For as long as I can remember, I was never the little girl who dreamed of a wedding dress, a house with a white picket fence, or having babies.
And that’s not to say I don’t want those things, I do. As a daughter of immigrants, I was always motivated for excellence and highly career-driven. My father constantly instilled the importance of education and a high-earning career before starting a family. Simply because he had to repeat college in the United States as his international college degree was not recognized. And my father didn’t migrate to the U.S. for me not to succeed.
Nonetheless, I had always said after I graduated college and when my life was in order that I would adopt a child by the age of 30 if I wasn’t in a committed relationship and/or married.
Well, that was 17 years ago, and I will be forty-fine in December of this year. I am still single and currently in a season of navigating my emotions so I can have a healthy, loving, relationship with an ideal partner. I’m at the age where I am consciously considering what family looks like for me. This could look like me and a partner. Me, a partner, and a pet. A partner, me, and their kids. If you’re one of my lifelong friends and you’re reading this, you know damn well that I was never open to dating someone with children. But I am not getting any younger, and as my grandmother used to say, “Pick an' pick, until yuh pick shit.”
Given that I didn’t grow up in a healthy home environment or witness a healthy relationship and/or marriage between my parents, the idea of having my own children scares me.
And it’s more than likely that I can give birth to twins. I would like to consider myself the generational curse breaker in my family. Like, why would I subject an innocent child to these unhealthy family dynamics? Given today’s dating climate and the number of unhealed men is even more alarming, who am I having a baby with? One thing I do know – if there is a “he,” “he” is not passing down his unhealed trauma and baggage to my child. I won’t allow it.
With that said, I have recently come to the conclusion that I do not biologically want children of my own. I am open to being a bonus mom or adoption. I absolutely do love children, though. Especially toddlers. I always want to hold someone’s baby and love on someone’s child. I love being an aunt, godmother, older cousin, and role model to the kids in my family and my friend’s children. It would have to take a really special person, a man who is a whole (not just healed), to make me feel safe enough to even want to consider having a child with him.
Today’s dating and relationship scene is so exhausting. For a lot of women, it seems nearly impossible to meet someone to marry and start a family with. And there are so many women who truly desire to be a mother and want children to be a part of their lives. We live in a society that is moving away from tradition in many aspects. Relationships are being redefined, and so is how we choose to be parents.
Enter the concept of platonic co-parenting or conscious co-parenting.
It sounds like the pact you made with a good friend when you were kids. If neither one of y’all are married or have kids by a certain age, you would marry each other. But it’s a little more complex than that – platonic co-parenting is an alternative to being a single mother by choice, adoption, or choosing some random man’s sperm at a sperm bank.
xoNecole looks at what platonic co-parenting is and how it works and asks five single women their thoughts on platonic co-parenting. Let’s get into it.
What Is Platonic Co-Parenting?
I first got a whiff of this child-rearing with a friend thing onInstagram when political analyst and activist,Van Jones announced the birth of his second child with a friend via conscious co-parenting. Jones states, “After the COVID lockdown, I got clear that I wanted another kid. I discovered that my friend Noemi also wanted a baby. So we decided to join forces and become conscious co-parents.” He adds, “It’s a concept that I hope more people will explore and consider.”
According tothebump.com, platonic co-parenting is not a new concept, it has been around for years. Whether it is referred to as “platonic co-parenting,” “elective co-parenting,” “conscious co-parenting,” or “intentional co-parenting,” it simply means making a decision to start a family with someone and a joint commitment to raise a child without a romantic history, sexual involvement, or marriage.
Platonic co-parenting has been utilized in the LGBTQ+ community and is also becoming more common among single heterosexuals as there has been a major shift in how people define family and family structures. According toparents.com and data from Pew, more than 16 million non-married Americans are raising children with a live-in partner. The 2018 data from Pew also suggests that fewer people are having sex. Therefore, platonic parenting with a friend seems like a natural evolution to family building.
Logistics of Platonic Co-Parenting
What platonic co-parenting offers is an alternative model for family building. And I want to emphasize there is no right or wrong way to go about it. No two people’s circumstances are the same. But the common denominator is the strong desire for family, children, and raising a human together. Platonic co-parenting can take various forms and manifest differently depending on the people involved.
Finding a Parenting Partner:
When we think of finding a partner to co-parent with, it could look like two friends of the opposite sex deciding to have a child together. This entails joint parental responsibilities, sharing birthdays, and holidays, and living together or living separately. It could look like two friends of the same sex who already have children respectively, but they choose to live together as a temporary solution to financial strain. It can also be IVF (in vitro fertilization), artificial insemination, surrogacy, or adoption as well.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to starting a family with someone, whether it’s done through a traditional or non-traditional route. You can read how two friends of seven years in England went about becoming platonic co-parentshere.
Issues:
As with any life-changing event and/or arrangement, issues will always arise. Honest, strategic, and transparent conversations are required. According toWeightmans, a law firm in England, issues to consider with platonic co-parenting are:
- Living arrangements and logistics of the child moving between two households;
- Finances and financial responsibility;
- Parenting styles, values, and discipline;
- Religious beliefs and how the child will be raised;
- Childcare options and educational choices, and how these will be funded; and
- Healthcare and medical decisions including what should happen in an emergency situation.
- Naming the child, including their surname;
- The day-to-day work of caring for the child, especially immediately after the child is born. Will both parents live together? If so, where and for how long? And how will responsibilities for night-times, cooking, cleaning, etc. be shared?;
- Feeding and how this may impact any arrangements, especially in the first few months of the child’s life;
- How special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. will be spent;
- Posting about the child on social media;
- What will happen if one parent enters into a romantic relationship, and how this will potentially change the arrangement, including the process of introducing the child to any new partner;
- How any potential conflicts will be resolved in the future and whether a family counselor or mediator will be consulted.
Parenting Plans:
It is without a doubt that platonic parenting requires legal counsel. A lawyer can assist with creating an agreeable parenting plan. Parenting plans can address legal considerations such as:
- Who will be recorded on the birth certificate as the child’s legal parents?
- Who will have parental responsibility for the child? And if it is not acquired automatically by one parent, how will parental responsibility be given to that parent?
- Should the parents enter into a parenting agreement recording the agreements that they have reached?
- If parents choose to live together for part or all of their child’s life, what are the legal considerations and implications of doing so? Especially if, for example, the house is owned by one parent. Do the parents need to enter into a cohabitation agreement as well as a parenting agreement?
- If a conflict arises, how would a court decide the arrangements for the child such as who they will live with and how they will spend time with each parent?
- If a conflict arises about specific issues such as religion, medical procedures, or schooling, how would the court approach these issues? See our article on specific issue orders.
- If one parent wishes to move away either in the U.S. or abroad in the future, how will a court approach such a move?
- It is important to note that one parent cannot move a child out of the country without either the consent of all other people with parental responsibility for the child or the approval of the court. Find out more about traveling abroad with children.
- Both parents’ legal obligation to provide for the child financially.
Benefits:
Weightmans also states platonic co-parenting can provide increased emotional stability for not only the child but co-parents as well. Given that the child and co-parents have access to a larger community of support and positive role models. It is also likely the child can experience positive communication between their parents and witness a healthy relationship due to the amicable arrangement. Parents can also benefit from shared financial and childcare responsibilities allowing for flexibility financially and personally.
Disadvantages:
There will always be disadvantages and/or conflict. It’s inevitable, and we are human. But it is how we navigate these disadvantages that make a difference. When it comes to platonic co-parenting, legal and financial complications definitely exist. Further difficulties arise when one parent chooses to move away or pursue a romantic relationship. The most evident disadvantage is the social stigma or misunderstanding in choosing a non-traditional family structure.
What Single Women Think About Platonic Co-Parenting
Now that you have an understanding of what platonic co-parenting is and how it works, let’s look at what five single, professional, young women think about this new family-building concept. Meet Alicia, 35, attorney; Brooke, 32, attorney; Ladini, 37, behavioral analyst; Jamila, 35, attorney; and Mimi, 35, licensed psychotherapist.
As a single woman given today’s dating patterns, scene, culture, and assuming you want children, is platonic co-parenting something you would consider? Why or why not?
“I would consider platonic co-parenting if I decided I was ready to have children. As a millennial, our lives are much more unconventional than previous generations. Parenting doesn’t have to be done one way. As a 35-year-old, I have developed many long-lasting platonic relationships. Raising a child with a platonic co-parent seems like a better option than being a single parent.” – Jamila
"Absolutely. It is my opinion that there are no guarantees in sharing caregiving responsibilities with any other individual, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I know people who co-parent adaptively after finding out they're pregnant post a one-night stand, and married couples who single parent due to having no to minimal support from their spouse.” – Mimi
“At first mention, it was an immediate no. But, as I did some research and applied more thought, absolutely. To me, it sounds like the perfect alternative. As we all know, relationships have their ups and downs, and raising children is no easy feat, so I feel that being able to choose from an objective place of true intentionality would be meaningful in its own way.” – Ladini
“It would be something to consider because, in the current times, I believe there are many social pressures for women to have children, but many of the women I know want to figure out the balance of having our dream careers and still parenting. Factors such as age, marriage, and careers are being juggled, and I think having alternative methods of parenting can allow for women to balance our needs and desires better without feeling like we had to give up parts of us.” - Brooke
“A few years ago, I made a pact with my male best friend; I told him, if I reached the age of 35, and we’re both single and childless, we should have a kid together. While I said it semi-jokingly, it was always something that played in the back of my mind. Fast forward to today, I’m 35, single, childless and he is married (laughs). My views have changed from when we first made the pact. When I create a child, I want my child to be created out of a romantic bond and relationship; I don’t want to settle on creating a family with a friend simply because time is ticking or the dating scene is just trash.” - Alicia
"When I create a child, I want my child to be created out of a romantic bond and relationship; I don't want to settle on creating a family with a friend simply because time is ticking or the dating scene is trash."
Drazen Zigic/Getty Images
Why do you think more women and/or men might consider platonic co-parenting as a feasible alternative to starting a family?
“Raising children is expensive. The cost of living is sky high, and the reality for a lot of people is that affording a child alone is not feasible. Having a reliable village to help raise the child is attractive.” – Jamila
“I think as societal pressures mount, people are attaching new meaning to the concept of family. With the emphasis on aging, I do believe that people (women) are made to feel like they are running out of time and as a result may be more inclined to make ‘pacts’ with trusted friends of the opposite sex.” – Ladini
“In the times in which we are seeing continued financial pressures and struggles, if we have established healthy relationships and have the same goals as parents, it can provide a healthy environment to raise children. We have seen statistics that steer people away from marriage and have children born in toxic relationships, and this could provide a remedy of having the new healthy home.” – Brooke
“People are fed up with the inventory when it comes to dating. When you reach your 30s, your life is a bit more stable, you have a solid foundation and you’re ready to build upon that foundation. However, after 20 first dates and no viable candidates for marriage or parenthood, you give up. I think more and more people are choosing the platonic co-parenting route because they desire family, they desire creating a legacy and if you can’t find that romantic partner, might as well be with someone you know, trust, and respect.” – Alicia
“This option offers an objective approach to fulfilling a desire that so many of us may feel we do not have control over. One may be financially and emotionally ready to take on expanding your family, but the time it takes to build trust with a significant other is overwhelming, let alone go into dating with that level of pressure is not appealing to anyone involved.” - Mimi
Given that some people don’t always grow up in a healthy environment whether it be single-family homes or a home with a mother and father, how do you think children of platonic co-parents might be affected?
“Maybe the same way children are affected in divorced families. I’m not sure.” - Jamila
“The only way that I feel that the children of platonic co-parents can be affected would be the absence of witnessing romantic, loving moments between their parents. Other than that, I think this situation can make for a very healthy upbringing.” – Ladini
“I think platonic co-parents would have to be comfortable with transparency and emotional intelligence because of the possible pressures from society as they view something different than the 'norm.' By building your own family, you also are given a second chance in a sense to create a safe environment for you and start a family to create healthy experiences of your own.” – Brooke
“If this is not an area that was discussed amongst the friends prior to the birth of a child, one can bring traumas and baggage from their past into the new situation. Everyone is raised differently, and if the co-parents do not discuss beforehand how they would like to collectively raise their child, it will cause issues that the child will have to be a witness to.” – Alicia
“I do not believe these children would be at any particular advantages or disadvantages as any other child developing in comparable macro social factors. Children accept their reality and this is the reason they are so vulnerable and at the same time resilient. Developing with two available parents is an undisputable privilege.” - Mimi
American society seems to be moving away from some traditions and/or societal norms, do you think women who truly desire to be a mother would be open to the idea of platonic co-parenting versus adoption or single mom by choice?
“Many women already choose to be single mothers because they want children. If they see it done successfully in other relationships, I could see them open to the idea.” – Jamila
“I do believe that women would be open to the idea. As the old adage goes, it takes a village. Although platonic love differs greatly from romantic love, one foundational component shared by both is having a strong bond and sense of loyalty. With that being said, choosing to have a family with someone who you have history with and a shared sense of values doesn’t sound like a bad idea.” – Ladini
“Yes, because when you have platonic healthy relationships, they can help cultivate that type of environment for the child and create a family dynamic so the mother doesn't have to do it alone without the traditional pressures we may hear when raising a child.” – Brooke
“Different strokes for different folks! I think more and more people are doing what works for them! Motherhood, parenthood is a beautiful thing, but it has to be with the right person, this is a lifelong bond you are creating. I think many women who desire motherhood are seeking out options that fit their lifestyles. It is a hard decision to make, but it is not one that should be taken lightly.” – Alicia
“Why not? With this option, you can have your own biological child with someone you truly care for and have a strong life-long relationship with. As humans, we are bound to evolve, and this is one of the many ways to find/seek fulfillment 'outside the box' sort of speak. As long as the two parties are consenting, what about it is so different?” – Mimi
"As humans, we are bound to evolve and this is one of the many ways to find/seek fulfillment 'outside the box' sort of speak. As long as the two parties are consenting, what about it is so different?”
Alessandro Biascioli/Getty Images
How I Feel About Conscious Co-Parenting
My thoughts? I definitely think platonic co-parenting seems like it would be a safer alternative on so many levels IF I truly desired to be a mother biologically. The elements of trust, consistency, commitment, understanding, emotional safety, transparency, shared values, etc. already exist with a lifelong friend based on an established history. Romantic relationships have their own challenges and adding a child makes it more complicated sometimes. Whereas if two friends intentionally decide to have a child together – it's almost like saying they can have the child and possibly not complicate parenting with the romantic aspect.
Given today’s dating scene and culture, it is more challenging these days for women to get to a secure place where these same elements exist romantically with the opposite sex. It’s a constant hit-or-miss type thing. Quite frankly it’s exhausting.
I, like many other women, desire a romantic relationship, to be in love and all the things. And some of these same women desperately want a child with a romantic partner. But if it’s not feasible for whatever reason – I can understand why women would choose platonic co-parenting or other non-traditional methods to start a family. Because these days women aren’t waiting on men anymore or wasting time waiting in general to live a fulfilled life. We create our own magic. We’re going to find a way to go after what we want and what our hearts desire. This includes motherhood and children.
As someone who is a legal professional and a business owner, I advocate for having an attorney for anything and everything. Situations always arise in navigating co-parenting. A neutral third party can assist with coming to reasonable agreements if the mother or father cannot. Similar to a relationship with a business partner and an operating agreement. It exists to navigate the nuisances, decision-making, and the challenges of owning a business together. Think of the business as a new baby or growing child.
As for children being affected by having platonic co-parents – I am not sure. I would hope that people who choose to be platonic co-parents have healed from their trauma and baggage before deciding to have a child together. I would hope they would both be emotionally available. I would hope they create a stable home as well as set the example for a loving environment for their child.
Based on the interviewee’s responses, there seems to be a strong consensus that platonic co-parenting just might be the new wave of family building. And I’m here for it. As an ever-changing society, we don’t have to agree with or accept platonic co-parenting. What we can do is respect individual choices. Let me reiterate there is no right or wrong way to define family or start a family. To be honest, look at how many people today are already engaged in some form of platonic co-parenting.
These people may be divorced or never married. They may have had a romantic relationship or not. A situationship or a friend-with-benefits type thing. Either way, a child was still born and those same two people decided to raise a child together. And the same legal issues, financial challenges, and parenting considerations still exist.
So, what’s the difference? If we as a society already accept those circumstances to be a societal norm, why not accept platonic co-parenting as an emerging norm for starting a family?
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Featured image by Ariel Skelley/Getty Images
Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Okay, so when you hear the term “mental health,” what immediately comes to your mind? As a marriage life coach, for me, it’s oftentimes articles that have to do with some sort of mental health-related crisis or, even when it comes to many of my clients, trying to help a relationship when it’s on the brink of total and utter despair. That’s really unfortunate too because, in my opinion, if more focus was placed on signs that we are in a great mental space and more tips were provided on how to either get or remain there, I think a lot of us would find ourselves in far more positive space — a lot more of the time.
And just what are some indications that you’re doing well on the emotional wellness tip? You really like yourself. You treat others the way that you want to be treated. You live with a spirit of gratitude. You know how to adjust well to change and differences (within and outside of yourself). You are aware of your purpose and are doing all that you can to manifest it on a daily basis (check out “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose” and “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'”).
And how do you know when it’s time to put everything aside and tend to your mental health? When you feel any type of extreme fatigue, whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional; when your attitude is sarcastic, cynical, or apathetic; when you’re not giving your best to what you are doing (or have no clue why you are doing some of the things that you are doing); when you’re sacrificing too much of who you are in order to make something (or things) work, and/or when your spiritual self is compromised.
Today, if any of those warning signs just resonated with you, I’m gonna do you a solid. In the spirit of getting — and keeping — you in a great mental health state, here are 12 hacks that can help you out if you’re needing a bit of a right-now-pick-me-up.
1. Wear a Bright Color
Unsplash
Whether you choose to believe it or not, color psychology is a very real thing. Yep, there is quite a bit of data out here to support that the colors that you choose to surround yourself with can have an impact on your mood(s). For instance, I read an article that said over half of individuals associate black with sadness, red with love, and yellow with joy.
So, if you happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, before you pull out something black because perhaps it’s slimming or even convenient, why not go with a bright hue instead? Orange can give you an energy boost, green conveys joy and lilac cultivates a feeling of calm. (Color) psychology says so.
2. Rub Some Clementine Oil on a Pressure Point
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Something that I’m always gonna be good for is hipping you to an essential oil that you may not have heard of before, and today, it’s clementine oil. Whether you’re looking for a way to strengthen your immunity, bring some health and beauty to your skin, or want to feel better on your way to work (or you need something that will help you to get you through the rest of your workday), clementine oil has a reputation for making all of these things happen.
The reason why it’s a good idea to apply it to places like your hands or feet is because there are many nerve endings in both spots that connect throughout your body. Plus, essential oils have a tendency to absorb well (and fast) in those places, too.
3. Snack on Some Sunflower or Pumpkin Seeds
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If you’ve always looked at snacking as a low-key cuss word, this would be the day to stop doing that. So long as you snack on the right kinds of foods and do it in moderation, it can actually be beneficial for you. For instance, as far as your mental health is concerned, snacking can help raise your blood sugar levels (in a good way) and provide you with an energy boost.
Two low-calorie snacks that are especially beneficial as far as maintaining your mental health is concerned are sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds.
Sunflower seeds contain magnesium and zinc which can help calm your nerves (yes, literally), along with vitamin E (which reduces oxidative stress) and protein (which boosts brain health). As far as pumpkin seeds go, they also are an excellent source of magnesium and protein, plus they have a lot of manganese in them which is a nutrient that helps improve brain health and even reduce PMS-related symptoms.
4. Listen to Some Pop. Or Hip-Hop.
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While checking out an article entitled, “Improving Mental Health Through Music,” I got to thinking about how listening to Michael McDonald’s “I Can Let Go Now” will damn near turn me into a basket case, and yet The Pharcyde’s “Drop” (which is one of the best visuals ever made; I’m not debating it either) will immediately get my head to bobbin’ and my mind to feeling great.
Yes, music is powerful, and we really need to be careful when it comes to what we listen to…and also when. Anyway, if you’re curious about which genres are reportedly best for your mental health (because they help to release the feel-good chemical dopamine into your system) — pop, hip-hop, alternative, rock, classical (if you need help focusing), and jazz can reduce stress and even increase longevity.
5. Take a Power Nap
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It’s pretty common for people to ask me how I am able to write about relationships and then listen to people talk about them without losing my mind. Well, for one thing, God made me this way. That said, one of my surefire hacks is to take a freakin’ nap — especially after a long session (some of mine last for two hours at a time!). Listen, even if you can only get 15 minutes in (anything over 30 minutes is more than just a simple power nap, by the way), it can help reduce fatigue, increase awareness and alertness, and help you feel good so that you will perform better.
Chile, naps shouldn’t be seen as something that only kindergarteners do. Adults would be so much more pleasant to be around if more got a power nap in as well.
6. Put a “Timer” on Your Social Media
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There’s no telling how many times on this platform I’ve said that the average American spends a whopping 2.5 hours on social media on a daily basis. That’s five 30-minute sitcom episodes — yes, that is a long time. What’s wild to me is while parents will talk about their kids needing their social media time monitored because too much is not good for their mental health (which is true) — parents need to lead by example because data says that when not consumed in extreme moderation, social media isn’t the best for grown folks either.
All of that information — especially the negative stuff, and there is PLENTY of that — increases anxiety, disrupts sleep, can lead to memory loss, may cause you to feel lonely, and can do a real number on your self-esteem. So, how much time should be allotted to your Instagram and TikTok accounts? Many mental experts say somewhere around 30 minutes a day should be the max.
And listen, if you just read that and can’t even fathom that timeframe because you feel like you’d go crazy without more time online, you’re the main one who should try it out (check out “10 Ways To Keep Social Media From Triggering You (So Much)” and “8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.”). #justsaying
7. Put a “Timer” on Your Worries Too
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Roy T. Bennett once said, “Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.” Marcus Aurelius once said, “Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” The Dalai Lama XIV once said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
And do you know what all of these quotes have in common? A reminder to not be a control freak and to be more flexible in life. Now, is worrying normal? It is. However, what I will tell you from very up close and personal experience is a lot of ego is caught up in worry because, essentially, we’re trying to control what oftentimes can’t be controlled. Once humility comes into play, once you accept that all you can do is your best, once you don’t try to create every “puzzle piece” of a particular overall picture, you’ll be amazed at how calm you become.
I didn’t say that you’ll like or understand what’s going on; I’m just saying that you won’t be trying to do more than what you can — or should. Even biblical Scripture says, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?" (Matthew 6:25 — NKJV) So, if something has you worried right now, say to yourself, “I’m going to semi-obsess over this for 30 minutes, and then I’m going to just do my best and let it go.” It’s the hack of all hacks. Try it and see.
8. Turn Off Your Notifications for Half of the Day
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I seriously doubt that any of you are surprised to know that almost 60 percent of Americans think that folks are far too addicted to their phones. To prove that point, I once read that most of us tend to look at our phones as much as 144 times a day. SMDH. And in between constantly staring at your screen and then hearing (or feeling if they’re set on vibrate) your notifications going off — it’s no wonder you and others are feeling more stressed out and distracted than ever.
That’s why, at the very least, consider turning your notifications off for half of the day — at least when it comes to your social media accounts. Very few of my notifications make a sound, and life is good that way. And honestly, whatever someone wants me to know (or I’m being nosy about), it’ll be there when I get around to it. The earth isn’t going to crumble if it’s not immediately. TRUST ME.
9. Get into a Yoga Position (or Two)
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If stress, anxiety, or even depression-related symptoms are something that you struggle with, you might want to sign up for a yoga class. Science has proven that yoga can help to create calm and clarity, and it can even help to center you. And what if you are feeling low or somewhat off-kilter and you need an immediate boost? Yoga poses like the Upward Salute, the Modified Child Pose, and the Easy Pose (all of which are demonstrated here) are ones that you can easily do wherever you are — whether you have a yoga instructor around or not.
10. Buy Yourself Some Flowers
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Something that I used to do, that I really need to get back into the habit of doing, is buying myself a bouquet of fresh flowers. It used to be a practice of mine to pick some up every Friday, and it has just…slipped away from me lately. Aside from the fact that doing it makes me feel pretty and feminine, science backs the mental health benefits of flowers.
Research says that flowers can immediately make you feel happier, and if you’re feeling a lil’ stressed out, they can help you to feel calmer as well. And even though pretty much any floral arrangement can help you out in this department, if you’re curious about what different blooms represent, there is a very comprehensive list that you can check out here.
11. Do Something for Someone Else. Anonymously.
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King Solomon once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners.” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) When it comes to money and resources, greed, hoarding, or selfishness has never been my thing. I like to give (I very rarely loan; that too can lead to unnecessary stress) in part because it’s fun to see how the universe will give back — and it never ceases to amaze.
Anyway, as far as mental health goes, studies reveal that doing for others increases your self-esteem levels, reduces your stress, puts you in a better mood, and can make you feel happier overall. So, why not do something thoughtful for someone else today? Oh, and try to do it anonymously. It’s a good gut check to make sure that you really are giving out of the goodness of your heart and not some sort of mercenary (or ego) based agenda — or shoot, stratagem.
12. Honor Yourself
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It’s pretty difficult to have good mental health if you don’t prioritize yourself and your own needs. That’s why I decided to close this out by simply saying that it’s REALLY IMPORTANT, CRITICAL EVEN, to honor yourself. What I mean by that is you need to do the things that honor defines: you need to move with honesty and integrity (especially when it comes to yourself), you need to treat yourself with the utmost level of self-respect, and you need to act like you are a privilege to know and be around.
Some articles that can help you to do all of these things include “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.,” “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day,” and “10 Hacks To Give You More Quality Time. With Yourself.”
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Your mental health is paramount. Hopefully, these tips will help you to get where you want to be, mentally and emotionally, because, being in a good headspace? That is something that you absolutely deserve, sis. 1000 percent.
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