Weddings, for many people, are beautiful affairs where we celebrate and witness the blending of two people into a union of one. They are fairytale gatherings as old as time. While a wedding is not always a dream that each of us cherishes for ourselves — it is a celebration that we all enjoy being a part of. Hell, I think more people get ready to scrap it out or feel slighted when they don’t get a wedding invite than they do about catching the bouquet. However, for those getting married, it can also be a stressful season for many reasons. But overall, it comes down to the planning process.
And, though I have yet to plan a wedding myself I imagine even the smallest details become some of the gravest stressors. One little detail that many of us may not consider when planning a wedding or even dreaming of one is tradition. Because if nothing else, weddings are often steeped in tradition. I think these traditions, and whether or not to participate, can prove even more challenging to decide on if you and your betrothed aren’t a traditional pair or are on the more modern side of things. Being a modern gal, in a traditional world, can be frustrating. As a modern woman, I also find that the difficulty lies in really and truly not falling into the binary. I’m somewhere in the middle — I do enjoy the benefits of some gender roles and I do enjoy some tradition.
So what’s a girl to do? First, you can know more about each of these traditions before you jump through hoops when the goal is to simply jump the broom. While there are some people who enjoy full-out tradition regardless of how they came to be, I’m not judging either way. Pinky promise. But for those who fall somewhere in the middle, being informed may be the key to ruling some of them out.
1. Getting the Father's Approval and the Giving Away the Bride Tradition
Both of these practices are rooted in the same patriarchal concepts of possession over women. Historically speaking, single women were viewed as property and their fathers "owned" them until they were married to another man. Asking for a woman's hand in marriage was a tradition born out of the necessity of the father approving the marriage and ensuring that the man asking for her hand could provide a good future for the daughter. In other customs, asking for a father's approval was also a way of establishing some sort of arrangement, like a dowry in exchange for "ownership" of the daughter. Giving away the bride at a wedding ceremony was seen as the person, usually, the father, walking the bride down the aisle and "giving her away" to the groom at the end was a form of blessing the unity.
While it can be a sweet gesture to ask for permission to marry your betrothed from their father or for a father to "give" the bride away at ceremonies, it’s not entirely necessary. Both practices have evolved with the times, offering some creative freedom for ways to include important family members during the ceremony. For example, some brides opt to have their mother or even both parents walk them down the aisle as an honorable gesture for what they mean to them in their lives.
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2. The Tradition of the Bride Wearing White
Wearing white as a bride has been a tradition in Western culture that has spanned hundreds of years. And why do brides wear white? If you guessed that it's because wearing white is derived from purity culture, you were right. Traditionally, white was symbolic of virtue and purity and represented a woman's chastity upon walking down the aisle and meeting her betrothed. Again, the white dress is beautiful and I wouldn’t necessarily mind keeping this particular tradition for my own vain reasoning. However, if you don't want to wear white because of what it represents or because you want to veer away from tradition, wear whatever makes you feel your best.
3. The Bridal Bouquet Tradition
This is going to blow your mind! But, you can do without your bouquets. Really both you and the squad. The purpose of a bouquet traditionally is that of a deodorizer for your B.O. The bridal bouquet came to be to mask the smell of body odor, obviously well before we had deodorant in the 20th century. This tradition is beautiful and does add a certain touch to weddings, but also floral arrangements are typically very pricey. Even the most bougie of deodorants is cheaper than bouquets, which run you anywhere from $80 - $200, according to Brides. Alternatively, if you don’t want to forgo floral arrangements on your big day completely, you might opt for artificial flowers, feathers, or something else in the form of your bridal bouquet.
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4. The Tradition of the Bride's Family Paying for the Wedding
Much like the first two points on this list, this tradition is predicated on women being the property of men. First, their fathers and then their husbands. Women were seen as chattel to trade, and because the most beneficial marriage arrangements were made if and when the bride’s family was able to pay a suitable dowry to the husband-to-be (and his family). This is what I mean when I say marital arrangements were more often about financial gain for the parties directly involved and not love until relatively recently. This differs from now where the financial gain is also commercial – fancy rings, extravagant venues, etc.
5. The Wearing a Veil Tradition
Wearing a veil is yet another sexist and really odd, insignificant way of signifying a virginal or pure woman. Interestingly enough, an expert at Brides’ indicates that this is one of the first and oldest “bridal ensembles.” Wearing a white veil in combination with the white gown was the visual embodiment of delivering a bride to her groom as a "modest and untouched maiden." For the woo-woo girls, you might be interested in the fact that it was also thought to keep evil spirits at bay – particularly from attempting to rain on the bride’s parade.
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6. Having a Wedding Party
The point of having people at your wedding was simply the need for witnesses. Back in the day, multiple witnesses (specifically 10 at minimum) were required for a wedding. Over time, this requirement evolved into a more fun, celebratory committee of peers known as the wedding party – made of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Though this is not the most costly arrangement since the parties typically pay for their own dresses – you are paying for flowers and even going through the motions of dealing with other people which can add to the intense planning process.
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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