How To Stop Being 'Ms. Fix It' In Your Relationships
It's funny, the things you end up doing that totally mimic your childhood. For instance, right beside me, as I am typing this, there is a big wicker basket that has quite a few books in it. When I was a child, there was something similar in the living room. A book that I always remember being in the pile wasCodependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. I also recalled my mother referring to herself, quite often in fact, as being a "codependent in recovery". It's interesting that, even with all of the information that she had on the subject, as a daughter of an alcoholic and mother who, well, was married to one, codependency was something that my mother constantly struggled with—and I think still struggles with. And, because I am the daughter of a codependent, some of the residue of her internal warfare rubbed off on me, although I was well into my thirties before I recognized it.
As women, it is certainly in our nature to be profound and next level nurturers. But when that capability is tainted with childhood trauma (check out "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child", "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members"), not loving ourselves, never knowing how—and why—to say "no" sometimes, trying to control other people's lives and/or being low-key ego maniacs who think that we know what's better for other people than they do, that can turn us from being blessings to becoming burdens to others and, to ourselves, exhausted, confused and even bitter and resentful as the direct result of always trying to fix everything and everyone.
I know of what I speak because I've been there. More than once. What got me out of being a self-proclaimed Ms. Fix It was 1) asking the five questions that I encourage you to ask yourself and 2) recognizing that a healthy well-being requires a ton of self-awareness, spiritual healing and balance. Pretty much in that order.
Are you ready to stop being Ms. Fix It in your own world? It's my prayer that everything down below can help to get you there.
Ask Yourself, “Am I Codependent?”
I say it often because, for better or worse, the statement applies. For oh so many of us, adulthood is definitely about surviving childhood. One way that a lot of us were affected is growing up in a household where abuse, especially emotional abuse, ran rampant.
Because children are so precious and innocent, we naturally want to please those who are taking care of us. But when they are unhealthy, it teaches us 1) how to take blame for stuff that isn't our fault or our responsibility and 2) to try and make unhappy people happy. And yes, that can start us on the path of being a codependent person which is basically someone who overcompensates in their relationships in order to feel good and worthy.
And that? That is why a lot of adults also end up in codependent relationships and marriages. So, what are the signs that you could possibly be a codependent individual?
- Are you drawn to addicts (of any kind)?
- Do you do things for others that they should be doing for yourself? Hell, do you even know how to determine what those things are?
- Are you consumed with other people's stuff and issues?
- Do you feel responsible for other people's words, actions and choices?
- Do you always make sure that other people's needs are met at the expense of your own?
- Do you minimize how you feel yet resent others for not acknowledging your feelings?
If so, these are some classic signs of being a codependent. Not only that but our fix-it-nature is more about having a low sense of self-worth than actually wanting to help others. It's more about feeling like you won't be loved, appreciated or accepted unless you go out of your way or bend over backwards for someone else. The crazy thing is that, while you're in this head space, while others may be getting their needs and wants met, because you are more invested in their life than your own, your own life will be in shambles. Or worse, you might end up attracting another codependent who will try and…well, fix you.
First Step Solution: If you saw yourself in any of this, first, forgive yourself for not knowing the cycle that you've been in. Then gear up to set up some much-needed boundaries (not walls, boundaries). Articles like "The Relationships In Your Life That Are Desperately In Need Of Boundaries" and books likeSafe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't (and if you are married,Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships) can help to bring clarity as to why you choose to see people as projects, how to better guard your heart and to strengthen your boundaries so that you can stop being codependent with other individuals.
Then Ask Yourself, “Am I Actually HELPING or Am I ENABLING?”
A lot of things in life have fine lines; especially when we're first learning the differences in them. A great example of this is helping vs. enabling. I have a friend who has a grown daughter who has been taking advantage of her for years. Her daughter is in her thirties at this point but still acts like a 19-year-old as her mom takes care of things that are totally her daughter's responsibility. Whenever my friend and I discuss it, she's always talking about the difference between her daughter's actual age and maturity level. But what seems to continually be my friend's blind spot is her not wanting to accept that her still treating her daughter like she's a teenager is a part of what's preventing her daughter from actually growing up. My friend thinks she is helping her grown child; actually, what she's doing is enabling her.
Good help? That is when it is actually benefiting someone and helping them to grow, evolve and progress as an individual. Enabling someone is all about ignoring toxic patterns, financially compensating for their bad decisions, constantly making excuses for destructive (or counterproductive) behavior and taking on someone else's responsibilities. If you are out here doing more of the latter than the former, you're not fixing anything. You're simply being used and drained of your resources as you play a significant role in keeping someone stagnant.
First Step Solution: Before you agree to do anything for someone, step back and contemplate if you are actually going to help them by doing so. An article that I once read on helping vs. enabling broke the differences down this way—helping is doing something for someone that they are unable to do on their own. Enabling is doing something for someone who is capable of doing it themselves. Knowing the difference makes all the difference. A woman by the name of Darlene Lancer once said, "Allowing others to suffer the consequences of their own actions, without enabling them, is the best motivation for them to undertake the difficult task of change." There is a lot of truth in that. Plenty, in fact.
Also Ask Yourself, “Am I Afraid That ‘No’ Comes with Consequences?”
Ain't it a trip how, a lot of the people who we are afraid to say "no" to, they typically have absolutely no problem saying "no" to us? It could be because they have good boundaries. It also could be because they are self-centered as hell. Either way, the point still stands.
For a lot of us who are constantly trying to fix everything and everyone, sometimes the motive is rooted in fear; fear that if we don't do what's expected of us, we will be rejected or someone won't like or love us anymore. Or, for the super codependents out there, scared that they will no longer be needed. First of all, anyone who is only in your life for what you can do for them, they don't belong there. Second, healthy and mature people get that making a request does not automatically garner the response that they want to hear. In other words, they are fully aware of the fact that, just because they asked for something, that doesn't mean they will—or should—get it. And third, again, balance is important. "No" is a complete sentence (as author Anne Lamott once said), but it's not a full response to an entire relationship. What I mean by that is, don't assume that just because you say "no" to something that others can't handle it. The right ones for you will be fine. The wrong ones? Well, it's time for them to do some shifting in your world, anyway. How they handled your "no" proves it.
First Step Solution: Practice saying "no" to anything that you aren't ready or prepared to do, doesn't seem beneficial, or you know that you are only doing out of fear. Only offer explanations for your "no" if you want to (not if others push you because that only means that they feel like you need to justify your boundary when you absolutely do not). Then see how people respond or react. If they cop an attitude, try and make you feel guilty, or start to distance themselves from you, then you know where you stand. If, overall, they are cool about it and don't try and manipulate you to do something else, those are your "safe" people. Those are the ones you can feel good about saying "yes" to in the future.
Then Ask Yourself, “Is This Coming At the Cost of More Pressing Priorities?”
Remember how I said that balance is so important when it comes to assisting others? Something that I have a spiritual gift (if you've never taken a spiritual gifts test before, you can take one here) for is giving. I've always been a big giver. But, for years, because I had childhood emotional abuse wounds, my self-esteem was low and I didn't know how to give responsibly, I would find myself putting other people's needs before my very own. I mean, literally doing things like paying people's rent before I paid mine, giving money I didn't really have and making sacrifices that put my own sense of peace in jeopardy. Listen, I'll be the first one to say that sometimes relationships are inconvenient; I wrote an entire article about it. But your first responsibility is yourself. If you are constantly on the bottom of your own priority list because you are always so busy making sure everyone else is good, short of your own children, that's not commendable; that's actually pretty dysfunctional. Besides, if you're anything like I was, you'll realize that a lot of what you were taking care of were people's wants while you were abandoning your own needs. Not only that, but many of the very people whose lives you were "fixing", somehow, they were unavailable when you needed them to return the favor. SMDH.
First Step Solution: Read articles on our site like "4 Ways To Make Yourself Your Number One Priority", "6 Ways To Start Making YOU Your Top Priority" and "OlanikeeOsi Is The Bold, Fearless & Totally Unapologetic CEO Of The SelfishBabe App" can help to get you on the path of reprogramming your brain to understand that prioritizing yourself isn't a bad thing. A priority is simply putting things in their proper order and rank and, the reality is that if you don't take care of yourself, if you don't work on what you need to get "fixed" within yourself—you'll only be doing others a disservice in the long run because you'll be "serving them" from a fractionated space. Bills, sleep, health and well-being, self-care, time alone to recalibrate—all of these are things that you must prioritize on top of just about anything else. When you do, you can give from a good space rather than a broken or depleted one.
Finally, If You’re Spiritual, Also Ask Yourself, “Am I Trying to Do God’s Job?”
A lot of people are walking around here with god complexes, whether they realize it or not. Something that Christian speaker Joyce Meyer calls it is putting yourself in the role of "Holy Ghost Jr." (when no one really asked you to). That's a pretty relevant way to look at it since the Bible describes the Holy Spirit as being the Divine Helper (John 14:26—NKJV).
OK, but surely, you're not out here thinking that you know as much as God does about what someone else needs…right?
I remember back when I called myself being all in love with a guy who I know God was sending me signs to leave totally alone. Every time, as I was praying, when I would be like, "But he's so 'this and that'", I would hear a voice in my head respond with, "You do know I live with him, right? I know stuff you have no you clue about. I've known him since before he was born." (Which is also biblical—Psalm 139:13) The same thing goes for whoever it is that you're trying to "fix" or "save". If you don't have peace in your prayer and meditation time about whatever it is that you are about to say or do, it very well could be God sending up a smoke signal, alerting you to the fact that, while, with your very limited knowledge, you think you are about to do a good thing, you could actually be in the way of 1) God wanting someone else to do "it", 2) God needing you to focus on other matters at hand and/or 3) God wanting them to learn a lesson that your "fixing" is only going to hinder or prolong. If you're always trying to "play God", you are a stumbling block to the Lord actually being God in someone else's life. Help as spiritually led. Be intentional about keeping your own ego or even personal perspective out of the way.
First Step Solution: If you know that you are out here trying to "be God" far more than you should, a great Scripture to keep in mind is, "For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." (Matthew 6:8—NKJV) Rather than you always taking it upon yourself to fix someone's situation or life in general, pray about what you should do—if anything at all. Our conscience is a powerful thing. If we're supposed to get involved, it will let us know. Other than that, sometimes praying or lending an ear or shoulder is really all that we need to do.
Ms. Fix It. It's the title that a lot of women struggle with. But I pray that this has helped you to see if it applies to you and how to break free. Because remember, we as humans are called to help and support, but that doesn't mean that we are to fix everything. Let yourself off of the hook, OK. It's time.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser & Start Doing You
Should You Really Not Care About What Other People Think?
The Art Of Saying "No" To Things You Don't Want To Do
How I Handled Four Relationships That Totally Took Me For Granted
Featured image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How A Couple That Never Spoke On The Phone Answered Marriage’s Call
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
As I move through life and experience different highs and lows, one thing that has become increasingly clear is the importance of self-love and self-worth. Now, I’m not saying it’s always easy, but I do feel like if it’s in a good place, people experience life more fully. And when it comes to love, my friend Amanda Wicks and her husband, Will Ford, are the perfect example.
Amanda may not remember this, but years ago, on one of her many visits back to Atlanta (we both went to Clark Atlanta University), she sat across from me at a dinner table and declared she was done looking for love. She was happy with who she was, and while she still desired it, it was no longer something she was chasing. “If it happens, it happens,” she said. The statement was so bold it made me quickly reroute our usual dating story catch-ups and awkwardly move to a different topic.
Well, the next time we met up, she told me she had met someone and was moving to Houston to live with him. Imagine my surprise and concern. Later, I’d find out that this decision, like so many other elements of their relationship, flowed naturally and organically. Their whole partnership has been full of peace and vulnerability.
Fast forward to today’s conversation, they’re still living together, celebrating four years of marriage, and planning to create a family. And while this stage of their story sounds generally normal, the way they got there is nothing but. Check out the "How We Met" feature below to see how a couple who never spoke on the phone and lived in different states ended up in a loving marriage full of ease, art, and authenticity.
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Walk me through your ‘How We Met’ story.
Amanda: We met on Instagram (laughs). He followed me first, and I followed back because he does art, and I was intrigued by that. Honestly, we followed each other for a while before we connected. But I remember one day I saw a post where he had on a Martin t-shirt that I liked, and that sparked our conversation. He ended up telling me he made the shirt and actually mailed me one. So when I got it, I made a post wearing it, and that’s where the conversation started. Since that day we’ve communicated every day since.
Will: Yeah, I initially saw her on a short-hair Instagram page and followed her because I thought she was attractive. I actually showed her to my co-workers on one of our monthly outings as an example of my “type” – something I had never done. But one thing I will say is, I noticed she had on a Nina Simone shirt in one of her photos, that’s what got me. It showed she had more depth.
I guess that answers my next question. Did you have an initial attraction to each other?
Will: (Laughs) Yeah, I did.
Amanda: For me, no. I just wasn’t looking at him through that lens. I didn’t follow him because he was attractive. I don’t follow people online because of that. I actually remember a time when we were going back and forth, and I was like, “Aye, you kinda cute.” It was a specific moment. Once I started looking through his page more often, I started to view him that way, but it still was more of an acknowledgment. We really connected primarily because of our creative interests.
So, how did it go to the next level?
Amanda: I was in Nashville, and he was in Houston. But I’m somebody where if I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it. I had been meaning to go to Houston for a while to see a friend, so I felt like it was the perfect combination of a circumstance. We had been talking a lot, and I knew I liked him as a person and really wanted to meet him, but of course, I was aware of the idea that it could blossom into more. I remember I sent him a text saying, “Would you think I was crazy if I pulled up to Houston?”
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What was your reply? Did you think she was crazy?
Will: In my mind, I was like, I don’t know. (Laughs) I wanted her to, though, so I wasn’t going to say yeah. It was a little wild, but I encouraged it.
Okay, so tell me about the date.
Amanda: I don’t know if you’d call it our first “date,” but the first time we met, we went to a skating rink. I was a little nervous about meeting him in person. Like, what if we don’t have chemistry – that was in the back of my head a little. But I brought my friend with me as a buffer, and thank God I did because he was so quiet the whole night. I literally can’t think of one thing he said the entire time. But the saving grace was that we had built a rapport. We reconnected the following night and were together until 5 a.m. – just sitting there talking. We ended up spending the whole weekend together.
Will: I’m socially awkward if I don’t know you. Also, before the date, I didn’t know what she sounded like or anything because, that’s another thing, we hadn’t talked on the phone. (They both really don’t like phone calls, so everything was through texts at this point.) I guess I could say I was kinda nervous, too. I had never met someone through social media, and then here I was, meeting her in person at a skating rink. I hadn’t skated in years, I was hoping I didn’t fall. But we had just been talking so much that I was open to it.
What made you want to take that risk?
Will: She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around.
Amanda: I don’t think it was anything specific. It’s not hard for me to connect with people. But there were no red flags. We align across the board. That was different. We really connect on how we see the world.
"She has a level of authenticity that I’ve never seen in any other woman before, and once I saw her, it solidified that. I knew I wanted her around."
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
Out of curiosity, what are your love languages?
Amanda: I connect with all of them. I think it just depends on what I’ve been lacking. I appreciate words of affirmation because I’m so big on actions that I like those bold statements of love, and of course, I appreciate quality time. The older I get, the more I appreciate physical touch, but that’s not something I need. With receiving gifts, I like thoughtfulness, and I like giving thoughtful gifts, too. But acts of service is for sure my biggest one. I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most.
"I love when someone considers me and makes my life easier. That speaks to me most."
Will: I think it all depends on how I’m feeling, too. But probably also acts of service. I like how Amanda will buy me deodorant when I run out (laughs). She just does so much all the time to show that I’m thought of.
At what point in your connection did y’all have the “what are we” conversation?
Will: I don’t think we ever had that convo. We never defined anything, we just kinda went with how it was going. However, I knew I wanted it to be more serious when I went to visit her. She had been coming to Houston once a month, and I went to Florida (she was there for work) to see her. I realized I felt comfortable coming into her space, too. That gave me that last little bit of whatever I needed.
Amanda: Yeah, I can’t say I had a defined moment like that. But again, as we had more and more interactions, there were just no red flags. The more we thought about it, the more we realized no matter where we went relationship-wise, we were adamant about being a part of each other’s lives. We never had the “talking to other people” conversation or anything. But we did both understand we weren’t going anywhere. Eventually, it graduated to convos around building a life together, but even that was over six months in. I just liked him as a person.
Have there been any negative revelations that your partnership and marriage have taught you about yourself?
Amanda: I’ve always felt that partnership is supposed to make the other person’s life easier. For me, it was a struggle to let someone help me in all the ways I didn’t really know I needed help. As I started having less capacity, I had to realize that it doesn't work anymore. It was hard for me to acknowledge and ask for help. I think that’s something I am still coming to terms with, even with other relationships in my life.
Will: I think I’m learning and still learning how to get out of my head. I’m the kind of person who always has to visualize stuff before it happens. And this relationship is the first thing that I don’t do that with. Of course, we plan stuff, but I know it’s gonna be good regardless. It allows me to stay in the moment. If I can do that with this, which is the most important thing to me, why can’t I do that with other things?
Photo courtesy of Amanda Wicks and Will Ford
What challenges have you faced together?
Will: For me, the preconceived challenge was living together. I’ve never lived with a woman before. Even in my previous relationship, it was long-distance. I’m also the type of person that likes my space, but as soon as she got here, that was out the window. It was so smooth it made me feel stupid for questioning it.
Amanda: I’m grateful to say we don’t necessarily have challenges between each other together. But we have been struggling with infertility and health issues. Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way. But that’s an example of how having someone else there can be helpful. I was so functional as a full-blown individual doing everything by myself.
So, in my head, I don’t need anyone, but having someone there who is happy to support me has taught me it’s okay to welcome that. It’s made us stronger because it’s taught us how we both function under duress – it’s good to know it’s not terrible (laughs).
"Our biggest challenge thus far is trying to get pregnant. Even articulating that makes me realize I’m grateful it hasn’t caused a rift between us. I think we have been able to face it in a healthy way."
What are some of the shared values that are important to your relationship?
Will: How we see life, what we’re here for, and how you’re supposed to treat people. It sounds really simple, but it’s not as common as you think.
Amanda: We value being really good people – without strings. We both don’t value money, but we value stability. So we don’t have to endure the “why are you not hustling” arguments. We were both stable people individually, and we came together. Also, we both value meaningful connections, alone time, reflection, and family. That guides us in what we do and how we build a life.
Finally, what is your favorite thing about each other?
Amanda: I’ll say one of my favorite things about him is that he’s brilliant. I view myself as a smart person, but in my head, he can do what I’m doing ten times faster. There are times I want to push myself to do stuff, and I’ll just ask him because I know he can do it. It’s incredible.
Will: My favorite thing about her is how people see her. Being a witness to how important she is to other people’s lives is amazing. Standing to the side and seeing how she affects them is really special.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy of Amanda Hicks and Will Ford
Dating can be a complicated journey, especially if you are someone who was never taught how to date. It serves various purposes for different people, but two distinct approaches stand out: dating for practice and dating with the intention of marriage.
Understanding the difference between these two approaches can help individuals navigate the world of romance more effectively.
Should We Be Dating for Practice?
As a dating coach for women of color for the past 13 years, I tell my clients all the time that dating is an opportunity for practice. Dating for practice is often characterized by meeting new people, broadening your horizons, and enjoying the process of getting to know others without the immediate intention of tying the knot.
This less pressurized environment is a prime opportunity to learn about yourself, your preferences, and your values in a relationship. By interacting with diverse individuals, you discover what traits, interests, and personalities resonate with you!
Dating for practice and without immediate commitment allows you to take your time and make informed choices. There's no pressure to rush into a serious commitment, and it's acceptable to date multiple people concurrently to find the BEST person for YOU. Dating, like parenting, brings up all of your ‘ish’ to the surface, which gives you the opportunity to heal it (without serious repercussions).
Any unresolved inner child wounds, lack of boundaries, and fear of vulnerability can be examined and changed by using dating experiences to explore the parts of ourselves that we don’t normally acknowledge.
Charles Olu-Alabi/Getty Images
The Argument for Dating for Marriage
“I’m dating with intention (marriage)” is something you’ve probably heard often if you’ve been in the dating scene for a while. While it sounds great, there are some potential pitfalls that you may want to avoid. The aim of dating for marriage is clear: to establish a committed relationship that may lead to marriage. Conversations about the future, family, and life goals are often on the table from the start, which brings a level of clarity to the courtship.
By being goal-oriented, most people dating for marriage will stick to dating longer. This is important because dating is a marathon, not a sprint. The longer you are dating, the more successful you will be. The downside of being goal-oriented is that some will be so focused on getting married that they will overlook some serious red flags because they want to be married so badly and end up in horrible relationships.
Dating for marriage requires a level of selectivity to know what you want, which is great. The downside is that what you want is maybe not what you need.
As someone who helps women get into amazing relationships every week, most of the time (90-95%), their partner doesn’t look like what they imagined, but they feel the way they always imagined. Individuals hyper-focused on marriage may be eliminating people who would be good partners for them because they don’t align with their pre-existing vision of marriage.
Zia Soleil/Getty Images
How Do We Balance Dating for Practice With Dating for Marriage?
It is important to remember that these two dating approaches aren’t mutually exclusive, and people often shift between them as their life circumstances and personal preferences evolve. My recommendation is to combine both and date with strategy!
Dating with strategy looks like:
- Dating online and offline to give yourself the best chance of finding love
- Date without expectations – 97% of people you talk to won’t make it past date three
- Having a phone date before going on a physical date
- Getting clear on your needs (based on what you didn’t get from your parents), not just wants (based on what looks good)
- Widening your net and evaluating potential mates based on your new clarified needs
- Practice your vulnerability (sharing feelings) and boundaries (expressing desires) often
Dating for practice and dating for marriage are two distinct approaches to romantic relationships, each with its unique merits and intentions. The key is to have a dating strategy with your personal goals and values, ensuring that you are on a path that feels right for you at any given stage of your life.
Ultimately, dating is about personal growth and building meaningful connections, regardless of the specific goals you set.
Coach Anwar is a certified dating and relationship coach who has 13 years of experience helping Black and brown women date with strategy, meet relationship-ready men, and get into the best relationship of their lives.
To learn more, you can follow Coach Anwar on IG. Wanna work with Coach Anwar? Click here to book a dating consultation.
Featured image by Lorado/Getty Images