Because I personally think that intimacy isn't just about sex but also moments that couples share like sleeping together, I wanted to do my part to encourage people to stay in the same room, as much as possible. So, if you and/or yours are big-time snorers and it's starting to get on you and/or yours very last nerve, before someone stomps over into the guest room, how about trying one of these 10 hacks out first?
1. Add a Couple of Pillows
If you've got a ton of pillows on your bed and you and yours happen to be snorers, they can work to your advantage beyond mere aesthetics. That's because, when you make a point to slightly elevate your head, that can keep your airways from collapsing and too much pressure from being on your chest which can result in you snoring a lot less. Just make sure to not stack up so many that you end up with a crick on your neck. Those can be the absolute worst.
2. Light a Lemon Soy Candle (or Diffuser)
OK, before I get into the benefits that come from lighting a lemon candle before going to bed, it does need to go on record that falling asleep with one comes with potential hazards. That's why it's best to either light the candle for 2-4 hours prior to turning in (and then blow it out) or to go with a diffuser instead.
That said, lemon is a great option to go with because it can help to calm your nerves and, if it happens to be infused with lemon essential oil, the properties in it can help to reduce bodily inflammation and minimize the tissue in your throat, so that you're able to breathe easier. (This is why it can also be a good idea to mix a few drops of lemon essential oil with a carrier oil like grapeseed, sweet almond or avocado and rub it on your chest before turning in too.)
3. Turn on a Humidifier
If what typically causes triggering for you and your partner is dry air, nasal congestion or throat irritation, turning on a humidifier at night is always going to be a wise move because it helps to put moisture in the air which can help to kill off viruses as it also soothes the tissues of your nose and throat. Just make sure that you fill yours up with distilled water; tap sometimes comes with extra minerals that can do more harm than good to your system over time. (By the way, having some water about an hour before going to sleep can help with snoring as well because it can reduce congestion which can also make snoring less of an issue.)
4. Nix the Alcohol
If nothing makes you happier than having a tall glass of wine before heading to bed, make sure that you do it no less than 2-3 hours beforehand. While it does tend to contain some sedative properties, alcohol shouldn't be seen as a consistent sleep remedy. For one thing, as your liver enzymes metabolize alcohol, that can end up disrupting your sleep cycle. And, as far as snoring goes, alcohol can relax your throat so much that you end up snoring anyway.
5. Give Each Other a Thyme Oil Foot Massage
Because there are over 7,000 nerve endings in each of your feet, it makes perfect sense why a soothing foot massage can be a perfect practice before going to bed. If this is something that you and/or your partner are totally down for, add some thyme oil into the mix. It's really effective when it comes to reducing snoring because it's got a great reputation when it comes to improving your respiratory health, calming your nervous system and suppressing cough. Just make sure to dilute the oil with a carrier oil; pure thyme oil tends to be pretty potent.
6. Turn on Some White Noise
Here's the interesting thing about white noise — because we still can hear what's happening when we're asleep, the static sound that white noise produces can actually distract you and your partner from listening to each other's snoring. Not in a super annoying way; more like, in a way that triggers you less so that you don't end up waking up in the middle of the night mad as hell. Tech Radar is a site that has a list of some of the current best white noise machines on the market. You can check the list out here.
7. Consider Using Ear Plugs
Now here's a solution that I'm kind of surprised more people don't already do. Since quality sleep is paramount when it comes to achieving optimum health, it seems like it would be a given that folks who sleep with snorers (or folks who snore so loudly that they even wake themselves up) would own a couple of pairs of ear plugs. The main thing to keep in mind with this particular tip is that long-term use of ear plugs can result in a buildup of earwax or even an ear infection. That's why it's a good idea to keep some ear drops close by and that you only wear your plugs at nighttime.
8. Go to Bed at the Same Time
One of my exes was a loud snorer and it was the absolute worst. Something that I noticed, though, was when we went to bed at the same time, rarely did his snoring trigger me as much. I think it's because he typically didn't start to snore until he was in a deep REM sleep and I can sometimes sleep soundly enough to not hear that.
That's why, I also think that a helpful hack can be that you and your partner try to turn in together, at least a few times a week. Not only can it help with the whole snoring issue, but it's a good way to get in some pillow talk and maybe (just maybe) a little something else…too. #wink
9. Sleep More than Five Hours a Night
If you're someone who knows that you basically only snore when you're really tired but you're not sure why that is the case, word on the street is plum exhaustion can cause your throat and tongue muscles to relax so much that you end up snoring — not just more but louder. Listen, there are a billion-and-one reasons why you should sleep no less than 6-7 hours a night (eight is even better!); if you and yours want to snore less, let this serve as a top-tier motivator.
10. Spoon
That ex of mine that I mentioned? Something else that I used to take special note of is when we were spooning, he didn't snore as much (and definitely not as loudly) either. I once looked up why and it appears to be that folks snore a lot when they're on their back because it blocks their airways while sleeping on their side makes this less of an issue. Sleeping on your stomach is better than being on your back as well because your airways are still open; problem with it is, if you have neck or lower back issues, that position could make things worse come morning time. Besides, spooning is romantic and if you sleep naked, it can lead to other activities that can make sleeping easier to do ('cause ain't NOTHING like an orgasm before trying to catch some zzz's, chile. NOTHING). Hope this helps. #winkagain
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Listen, it doesn't matter how much you adore your single state, there are definitely going to be times when you will either want what others have or wonder what it would be like to have what others have and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. At the same time, if you're tempted to reroute your entire life just because of six weeks' worth of sentiment, at least make the time to skim this so that you're absolutely sure. Because having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve is one thing. Taking on all that comes with being in a relationship? That is a reindeer of a whole 'nother color, sis.
So, the Hallmark Movies Have Got You Going, Eh?
OK, kinda off of the subject yet not really — what is up with all of these interracial couples in these holiday Hallmark and Lifetime movies and commercials? Listen, my goddaughters are bi-ethnic, so that is no diss; however, Black love is my lane and it seems like that is getting harder and harder to find right through here. Whew.
Anyway, although I'm not personally a holiday observer (and no, I am not a Jehovah's Witness), I do enjoy a good-'n-semi-corny holiday romance film, more than anything, because of the sweet innocence that seems to come along with it (which is hard to come by in TV and film these days). A word of caution, though — if you watch too many of those, it can definitely get you caught up if you're single. What I mean by that is, after about three of 'em, you'll be close to crying into your hot chocolate because it will seem like EVERYONE in the world is boo'ed up when that isn't even close to being the case. Not by a long shot.
Still, if you know that you are naturally super sentimental, you might want to balance how much lovey-dovey stuff that you consume. Holiday movies are supposed to make you feel good. If all they're doing is making you feel lonely, it's time to read a book, listen to a podcast or do something else.
Is This the Time of Year That Has You “Feeling Some Type of Way” Every Year?
I'm pretty sure it will come as no surprise to you that a whopping 40 percent of engagements happen in between Christmas and Valentine's Day. So, between IG posts of randoms with their sparkling diamonds, your friends with pics of them standing underneath mistletoe and perhaps even looking around at your family members and their boo, it's important to sit back and assess if you actually want to be with someone right now or does it just seem like this is the time of year when it is made abundantly clear that you aren't.
Then, once you've got that question answered, follow it up with if the holidays are a trigger for you every year. If so, don't take that lightly because you don't want to go out here and try and make a relationship out of scraps (an ex, a booty call, etc.) just because you're going through an annual trigger that will pass just (about) as fast as it came. You'd be better off treating yourself to a pampering day than forcing a relationship that you know you don't really want but try to make work…just because you're a little (overly) emotional right now.
After New Year’s, Do You Even Have Time to Maintain a Relationship?
Something that I personally think the holidays and weddings have in common are folks can put a lot of blood, sweat, tears and expenses into both, only for both to end pretty quickly. My point? When it comes to weddings, couples need to make sure that they are taking their life following their nuptials into account. And when it comes to the holidays, well — if you were doing just fine not having a man prior to Thanksgiving, what makes you suddenly think that now is the time to get with one?
Y'all, something that life and time have taught me is things are best when they happen organically, when they aren't forced. If you happen to meet a guy at your favorite coffee shop the day before Christmas, awesome. Yet if you don't, again, your life was pretty full before the holiday season began and trust me, these next few weeks are about to fly right on by. So, if you already know that you've got a ton of plans for the new year and being in a relationship would kinda sorta ruffle them, it's probably best that you are single right now. Don't mourn this fact. Celebrate it.
Always Remember That Sentimentality and Responsibility Are Two Very Different Things.
Whew. If you don't get anything else from this piece, please get this (and yes, I'm about to yell it) — THERE ARE A TON OF PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING DIVORCED, EVEN AS WE SPEAK, AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE CAUGHT UP IN THEIR FEELINGS ABOUT SOMEONE MORE THAN THE RESPONSIBILITY THAT COMES WITH BEING IN A HEALTHY AND LASTING RELATIONSHIP. To be sentimental isn't just about having feelings of love; it is also tied into nostalgia. And believe you me, I have found myself holding someone in my heart or bed far longer than I should've and it was all because nostalgia — not love — had gotten the best of me.
Besides, if you are single during the holiday season, don't take for granted the perks and pluses that can come with that — sleeping in, saving money, not sharing a remote, hanging out wherever you want with whomever you want for as long as you want, going on a few different dates with a few different guys…I can go on and on. Something that I share from time to time is a video that my goddaughter's mom did for me many years ago (you can check it out here; Rissi also has a dope Apple radio show called Color Me Country. Learn more about it here and here). She's married and she gets really real about the price that comes with that. It's a great reminder that while love is a beautiful thing, there are some blessings that come with being single that are totally unmatched as well (again, watch the video).
“Cuffing Season” Can Apply to YOU Too.
OK, so what if you read all of what I just said and you're like, "I hear you, Shellie. I would still like to go on a romantic date, binge-watch some shows on the couch or cuddle up while listening to some Donny Hathaway this year." Understood and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. That said, there is a big difference between being in a relationship and having a cuffing partner or even just someone to casually date right through here. Definitely do some pondering on which one you actually desire because the latter two require a lot less, basically everything, than that first one does.
Speaking of cuffing season, you know, it really does trip me out that when the topic of it comes up, it's oftentimes assumed that it's a "man's sport" when the reality is they wouldn't be able to pull it off without us. So, if after reading a lot of this, you know that what you want is some holiday company more than anything else, be real with yourself about that and then be honest with others who may be trying to set you up on a blind date or who may be trying to make a match with you online. At the end of the day, cuffing season is about people who want some company and not necessarily a relationship. Personally, I have a lot more respect for people who are honest about that fact than those who try to make something be more than what it is, all in the name of holiday-themed romance.
Whatever You Do, Plan and Choose Wisely, Sis.
See the feature pic for this piece? Imagine that the woman in it got linked up to the guy via a co-worker a week prior to Halloween. Neither of them could travel home for Christmas due to their work schedules, so they stayed at his/her/both places from Christmas thru New Year's and made some great, umm, memories. How beautiful — only, come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, somebody's period is late and the pregnancy test that she bought seems to have the faintest double line on it. Or, her period is on schedule but there seem to be some little bumps down below. Or, her health is all good but someone is suddenly not answering her calls or responding to her texts anymore.
I could go on and on with various scenarios yet the point is this — whether you decide to make this the year that you get into something serious or you just want some holiday company to tide you over, please don't just let your feelings just run away in any direction that they want. Be honest with yourself, not just about what you want but what you need. Put together a plan that will serve you best. Then move in wisdom, taking your future and not just the present into account. Because no matter how much you may have the urge to reenact some rom-com right now, reality always sets back in and that's what you'll have to deal with after the credits that triggered your emotions in the first place stop rolling. Remember that. Every holiday season. OK? Cool.
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Because this phenomenon seems to baffle more than a few, I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the underlying causes for why climaxing may not be as consistent as you would like for it to be. First, so that you can take some of the pressure off of yourself (and sometimes even your partner) and two, through the process of elimination, you can potentially get down to the root of things, so that you can hang off of chandeliers more often than you currently are.
1. Stress
If there is one thing that you need to be during sex, it's completely and totally present — and that is exactly what stress prevents you from being. I'm pretty sure you know that it is extremely possible to be with someone physically and yet be somewhere totally different on the mental and emotional (more on that in a bit) tip. Thoughts being all over the place, cortisol (your natural stress hormone) levels being at their peak and you feeling worried or anxious can sho 'nuf keep you from having an orgasm. That's why it can be a really good idea to take a long bath, do some meditating or even just light a soy candle in the scent of lavender, rose, sandalwood, orange or jasmine (all of which are considered to be solid de-stressors) to calm down your senses.
2. An Emotional Disconnect
Contrary to what the media and pop culture want you to think, we aren't dogs or cats in heat. Sex, for humans, is supposed to be more than "getting off" — on some level, there should be an emotional connection too. That said, even if you're not planning to walk down the aisle (or you haven't already jumped the broom), ask anyone who has a sexual history and I'm pretty sure they will vouch for the fact that sex with someone you have some type of feelings for is so much more pleasurable and meaningful than someone who is nothing more than a super casual partner.
So, if there are moments when you feel disconnected from your partner when it comes to your feelings towards them, that can definitely hinder you from having orgasms because, whether you realize it or not, a wall is up and in order to climax, you've got to feel as free and open as possible. So, if you and your partner have some issues going on right through here, that could be a huge part of the reason for why orgasms aren't exactly flowing very freely.
3. It’s a Different Time of the Month
It probably comes as no shocker that a lot of women are off-the-charts horny when they're ovulating (when they're able to get pregnant) while, at the same time, they can kind of take or leave sex the week before their period (when they are PMS'ing which oftentimes includes bloating, breakouts and fatigue). Did you also know, though, that there are studies which state that many women are more interested in sex on the weekends than on the weekdays?
Sometimes, just paying close attention to your body and your calendar can help you to understand why climaxing may be easier for you on some days rather than others. That's why it's also a good idea to keep a period app on deck.
Women's Health Mag has a list of some really great ones here.
4. There’s Not Enough Foreplay
I believe I've shared before how, a wife (who is now divorced from her husband) once said to me in a session with her husband that, in order to get wet enough for intercourse, sometimes she has to use her own spit. Between her husband being somewhat sexually selfish, him not being the biggest fan of cunnilingus (although he's all about fellatio…chile. CHILE) and him believing that having a big member should be enough to keep her satisfied (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go," "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)," and "Apparently, A Certain Penis Size Can Make Us Orgasm The Most (Chile)"), his foreplay game had much to be desired.
So is the case for a lot of men because without us feeling super desired, without there being at least 10-15 minutes to literally warm us up and without us getting/being wet enough (check out "Why You May Be Struggling With Getting "Wet Enough"), not only can it be difficult to climax, it can be really uncomfortable to have sex altogether. So, if your man is all about the "cake" without the "icing," if there is one time when that is totally his bad, this one would be it. And if, for the sake of your sex life, there is ever a time when you should let him know, now (relatively speaking) would be the time (not when you're having sex and preferably outside of the bedroom too; it needs to be a calm and loving conversation not something that makes him feel super self-conscious).
5. Your Diet
When you get a chance, check out "So, Here's What Your Diet Says About Your Sex Life." The reality is — and this is so not a pun — when it comes to having a happy and fulfilling sex life, we really are what we eat. Too much sugar can drain your energy. Not enough fluids can affect how naturally lubricated you are. Fast food can jack up your hormones. The list goes on and on. So, if you know that you either rarely or straight up don't eat as healthy as you should, do not underestimate what that could be doing for you in the bedroom department.
And just what should you be consuming more of? Dark leafy greens are high in Vitamin E; it's a nutrient that can keep your sex hormones balanced out. Fresh fruit is loaded with Vitamin C which is great when it comes to keeping your sex hormones healthy and strong. Eggs are a good source of Vitamin B which can help to give you a lot of energy. Then there are aphrodisiacs that can make having an orgasm easier too.
Check out "Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs" and "10 In-Season Fall Foods That Are Incredible Aphrodisiacs" for a list of some of those.
6. Sleep Deprivation
You wanna know how important sex is when it comes to having a great sex life? It's so important that I wrote an entire article about it for this platform — "6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand." There are solid studies which indicate that when we (meaning women) are lacking sleep, it can significantly reduce, not just our ability to get sexually aroused but our desire to have sex at all. This is why, something that I will oftentimes mention to some of my clients is, if you seem to be screaming your partner's name in pure ecstasy while on vacation yet not very much when you're at home, it could be because you are well-rested when you're off of work. There are a billion-and-one reasons why getting no less than six hours of sleep, on a daily basis, is such a good idea. So that you're able to orgasm more is just one of them.
7. Being in the “Wrong” Positions
Back in my gettin'-it-in days, sometimes I would humor my partner and get into certain sexual positions, just because they liked it. Meanwhile, it did very little for me. And y'all, this is something that you've got to keep in mind too — which positions work for you and which ones don't, because it still rings true that around 70 percent of women still aren't able to achieve an orgasm, just with vaginal penetration alone. And what kind of positions have a pretty good reputation for making "seeing the mountaintop" a lot easier for you? Honestly, anything that makes it easy for your clitoris to be stimulating in the process of you being penetrated.
This would include spooning, your hips being on the edge of the bed so that he can easily access your clitoris, reverse cowgirl, doggystyle and, what I would call the "cat position". If you've never seen cats have sex before, it's like doggystyle only, they are on their stomach. Listen, it really can't be emphasized enough that the more your clitoris is "in the game" during intercourse, the far greater your chances will be of having, not just orgasms but blended and multiple ones too.
8. You’re Having Sex FOR Rather than WITH Your Partner
Some people are simply too selfish for a relationship; they really are. Sex isn't exempt from this particular point either (check out "Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It."). While there is something to be said for the responsibility of sex in a long-term relationship, if you find that you're having sex, mostly to appease your partner, that is the difference (to me) between having sex FOR someone vs. WITH them. And while a good lover definitely doesn't want their partner to participate in anything that is purely obligatory, the flip side to this is, how is your partner supposed to know this is how you are feeling, if you're not saying anything?
Articles like "The 'Pre-Sex Interview'. To See If You're Both In Sync." (for new relationships), "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him" and "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." are specifically designed to encourage couples to verbally communicate their thoughts and needs, so that everyone is on the same page before getting in between the sheets. Because when you feel heard and understood that definitely makes it easier to feel…felt, if you know what I mean. #wink
9. You’re Not Paying Enough Attention to Your Body
Some women feel sexier after a shave or wax. Sometimes, in order to keep your pH balance right and your vagina smelling fresh, you need to up your probiotic take. If you're not washing your underwear by hand, the harsh detergent you're using could be triggering a yeast infection and/or if you're not getting a regular dose of omega-3s in your system, that could be why you're not as naturally lubricated as you should actually be (check out "What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Do More Often").
Sometimes, a situation can trigger us which can cause a mental or emotional block of some sort and so we need to do what is known as vaginal mapping (check out "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey"). Sometimes, there's little pieces of lint and hair that need to be cleaned out of our clitoral hood, so that it's less irritated (check out "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). Then there are moments when your vagina might just be stressed the hell out and therefore, requires a bit of TLC (check out "Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?").
Unfortunately, some of us make the grave mistake of assuming that our vagina doesn't require as much time and attention as say, our face or skin does, when that couldn't be further from the truth. The reality is, the more in touch you are with "her," the more you will know how to supply her with what she needs. That's not just good food for thought outside of the bedroom but once you're inside of it as well.
10. Boredom
That saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? There are layers to that when it applies to sex because if you and yours figure out things that work and you just keep doing the same thing(s) over and over again, that can lead to tedious repetition which is the exact definition of boredom. Sex is too dope to only think that one position, one technique, one approach that has worked for you in the past is the only one that will in the present. So, if being on top has been your "old faithful" for months (or even years) now but it doesn't seem to cultivate as much intensity as it once did, get creative (check out "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level," "I've Got 7 Hacks To Get You More Of What You Need In The Bedroom," "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant," "10 'Weird' Things Could Actually Elevate Your Sexual Experience" and "15 Simple-Yet-Kinda-Buck Items To Take Sex To Another Level") .
Your body is made to respond to more than just one approach to sex, I can promise you that. So, yourself a favor and test this fact out…tonight, so that you can find other ways to receive the orgasms that you want — and are certainly very worthy of. More than just every once in a while. (I'm sayin'...)
For more love and relationships, sex tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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And just how do some of us do that very thing? Check out these 12 random habits that can put a dent in the “Black don’t crack” narrative. It might just surprise you how much you do them and how stopping it can have you looking 5-15 years younger in absolutely no time.
1. Neglecting Your Neck
There is a particular Black celebrity woman who I’ve always found to be attractive. She also ages really well. Matter of fact, I still think she could pass for being about 15 years younger than she actually is — if it wasn’t for her neck. Her neck has a lot of rings around it which makes it look kinda old. She’s actually the reason why I make sure to pay closer-than-ever attention to my own, now that I’m in my 40s.
For me, that consists of applying some rosemary oil to my neck in the morning and at night. It hydrates it really well. That’s what works for me. As for you, just make sure, because the skin around your neck is thinner than the skin that is on your face, that you also moisturize it on a consistent basis and that you even apply sunscreen. Because if there are two spots that can age us, no matter what our face may look like, our neck and hands would definitely have to be it.
2. Constantly Wearing Acrylic Nails
Before the pandemic decided to totally show out, I would see my nail tech like clockwork. Although my nails were mine (no tips), I would get them powder dipped (which is lighter than acrylic and lasts longer) and because I like to switch my styles up, I would see her a couple of times a month (at least). But when the country shut down and I had to take a couple of hours to totally soak that dip off myself and then several weeks to get my nails back healthy and thriving? I’ve been really hesitant about returning to powder (especially now that new variants of COVID are upon us and things could possibly shut down again).
It might be a wise move too because I also read that something that can age our hands are acrylic nails. Why? Because the continuous process of applying, filling and removing the product from our nails causes our cuticles to thicken over time which causes our hands to look older than they should. If you just read all of that and was like “whatever,” at least consider going on 3-6 month breaks sometimes; a lot of professionals say that’s the best way to keep your nails healthy overall.
3. Drinking Too Much Coffee
One of the most controversial foods (in the sense of the pros being about as much as the cons) is coffee. What I’ll say as it relates to this topic, in particular, is if you’re someone who can’t seem to get through a day without at least three cups, you should probably scale that back a bit. Aside from the fact that coffee can create somewhat of a diuretic effect which can lead to dehydration (which isn’t good for your skin), the caffeine that’s in it also tends to lower your dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA); that’s a hormone that helps to reduce inflammation and keep you looking younger. You know what that means, right? Even if you don’t do coffee but you drink anything that’s highly caffeinated, it’s probably working against you rather than for you on the anti-aging tip.
4. Eating Inflammatory Foods
Y’all probably aren’t going to like this very much but — sugar, refined carbs, dairy, trans fat, vegetable oil, processed meat and (excessive) alcohol. Wanna know what these things have in common? They all have the ability to trigger inflammation in your system. The problem with that, when it comes to premature aging, is not only can that accelerate the aging process but sugary stuff can break down the collagen and elastin in your system too (which is never good). Life is too short to not enjoy some “fun stuff” every once in a while. Still, for the sake of your Black not cracking, always remember to consume inflammatory-prone foods in extreme moderation.
5. Always Sipping from a Straw
I like straws; especially since I adore me some lip color and straws help to keep it from smudging or getting onto my teeth. Plus, straws can keep sugary drinks from getting too much on my teeth, not to mention the fact that I feel a lot better about drinking from cups and glasses in restaurants when I have a straw in hand. Yet as with most things in life, there are a couple of cons to them. For one thing, most are made out of plastic which definitely isn’t good for the environment. Also, the constant puckering that we have to do to suck through a straw can actually cause fine lines and wrinkles — not immediately but eventually. I guess the bottom line here would be to use them in moderation too. Oh, and to thoroughly moisturize that space in between your nose and lips. Sometimes it gets neglected more than it should too.
6. Constantly Wearing Eye Make-Up
I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up while growing up. Matter of fact, I don’t think it was until my junior year of high school that I got to put on something that was more than tinted lip gloss. In hindsight, I’m grateful because, although my gene pool is pretty dope when it comes to aging well, I know that when people tell me that I don’t look my age, going without make-up (most of the time) has been a huge part of my saving grace (check out “8 Solid Reasons To Go Make-Up Free At Least Once A Week”).
This point was further affirmed when I read that another thing that can age a person is constantly wearing eye make-up and/or not removing it properly. The main reason why is because the thinnest skin on our face and body, period, is our eyelids. So, constantly manipulating that space wears it down and ultimately ages us. That’s why it’s a good idea to sometimes rock a “wake-up face”. And when you do wear eye stuff that you apply an emulsifier (something that has water in it that allows water and oil to easily mix) like Aquaphor to remove your eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara, so that your delicate skin is handled with some much-needed TLC.
7. Not Wearing Sunglasses
I recently went to the eye doctor. While we were discussing the fact that my mild astigmatism was healing (I had no idea it could do that), I got mildly reprimanded for not wearing sunglasses more often. I had no idea that it reduces my chances of getting cancer and cataracts (I just saw them as a way to squint in the sun less, to be honest). As a bonus, sunglasses also reduce fine lines and, since crow’s feet can definitely age a person, you can best believe I’ll be picking up a pair sooner than later.
8. Tight Ass Protective Styles
I’ll be the first to say that when I get my hair braided, if there’s something that I want my stylist to do, it is make sure that they get as much of my edges into those braids as possible. Between my braider being really good and my not getting braids back-to-back all of the time, my edges have survived my pseudo vanity. I do know others who can’t say the same because whether it’s their braids, twists, wigs, weaves or high ponytails, the constant stress and strain that their hairline has had to endure has resulted in very thin or flat-out bald edges that has added a few years onto them.
A flawless hairstyle is top-tier. I get it. At the same time, it’s a little counterproductive to get a protective style that doesn’t protect ALL of your hair…right? By the way, if you want to take extra special care of your edges and nape right through here, check out “7 Tips For Getting The Edges And Nape Of Your Neck To Grow Faster”.
9. Doing THE MOST with Your Face
I’d be surprised if you didn’t have at least one relative who, if they saw you cross your eyes when you were a kid, they told you to stop because they could end up getting stuck that way. Hmph. Somebody needed to alert more of us about this when it comes to those totally-over-the-top facial expressions that a lot of us put on display.
Constantly doing things like turning up your lips or furrowing your brows can also cause fine lines to set in. Yeah, I know a lot of us think that we’re doing nothing more than being “expressive” but exaggerating our facial expressions can age us faster than we want to. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you, chile.
10. Sleeping on a Cheap Pillowcase
I’ll tell you what — the older I get, the more I am learning to respect my bedding more. Take pillowcases. While a lot of us know that a satin one can be good for our hair (because it helps to keep moisture in our locks), were you aware of the fact that a silk one can help to reduce wrinkles? Sometimes, it might seem like it’s a wise move, financially, to go with cheaper sheets but when you’re rolling around for 6-8 hours a night on a set of rough pillowcases, that can start to put tiny marks on your face that can result in premature wrinkles or even sagging. So, if you haven’t been investing some good money into your bedding, this is a solid reason why you should.
11. Not Having Enough GOOD Sex
I write about sex, basically all of the time. That’s why I know that I can easily provide you with literally dozens of reasons why having as much sex as possible is beneficial. Matter of fact, in the article “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day”, one of the things that I touch on is the fact that orgasms can make you look younger. The long short of it is, orgasms help to decrease stress and elevate estrogen levels — both are great because stress triggers premature aging and estrogen helps to collagen and elastin production.
Long sessions can cause you to sweat which removes toxins and bonding with your partner increases oxytocin which is also stress’s enemy. Just make sure that it’s good sex because the more that it goes down, the more often you’ll want to “engage” and the better off your skin will be because of it.
12. Not Having a Pamper Day (At Least Twice a Month)
At the turn of every birthday, something that I commit to, more and more, is refusing to let any person, place, thing or idea stress me out. For what? Stress is directly attributed to things like obesity, diabetes, headaches, depression and heart disease (which continues to be the #1 killer among Black women). If you add to that the fact that accelerated levels of cortisol (the stress hormone in our system) can also break down collagen and elastin at an accelerated rate…why wouldn’t you see doing things like having a pamper day as a necessity in your life?
Massages. Mani/pedis. Facials. Taking a bubble bath. Unplugging from social media. Doing things that make you feel good and help you to relax are good for your mind, body and spirit and can help to keep you looking younger for a longer period of time. That’s why you should definitely pamper yourself, at least a couple of times a month. You will adore it and your skin will even more!
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Today, let's talk about why the clock should, at times, be set for midnight. Because again, whether that's when you're already in your REM state of sleep or it's when you're binging on your favorite TV series, there are some special and specific reasons why "partaking" when the clock strikes 12 that can make already-spooning-naked with your partner totally worth your while.
1. Have You Ever Been Awakened to “Receiving”? Whew, Chile.
I know that a fair share of men read our content because many of them have written me, so if any of you happen to be peeking into this article, it's not that we women don't enjoy being awakened out of our slumber. It's that some of y'all need to shift the way that you do it. Asking us over and over again if we're asleep when it's abundantly clear that we are or jabbing us with your erected friend isn't exactly our definition of seductive. Now what will get us going is awakening us with a kiss on one of our erogenous zones or taking a little trip to our treasure trove (so to speak).
From what I've read and researched, we tend to spend somewhere around two hours a night dreaming and it's not uncommon for those dreams to have a sex theme. I've personally experienced dreaming about copulation only to be awakened to some cunnilingus and chile...CHILE. Ain't nothing like that killer of a combo! (And yes, I am yelling it!)
So yeah, this goes to the fellas and us ladies — one of the best things about having sex at midnight is the amazing ways that we can wake up our partner or be awakened by them. Y'all betta ask somebody.
2. You Tend to Be Calmer
Something that naturally tends to happen whenever you're feeling anxiety on some level is your cortisol (your stress hormone) spikes which can do many things to your system — one of them being that it can cause your libido to tank. Let me tell it, that's why a lot of couples don't have as much sex as they should. They've been running around all day, only to come home to get ready for the next day. Then, once they get into bed, they are so exhausted that, while the spirit may be willing, the flesh is indeed weak.
How about this, though? Say that you fall asleep at 10 p.m. and then purpose in your mind to get up at 12 a.m., so that you can indulge your partner for 30 minutes (maybe more). Since you got a two-hour nap in, you'll automatically be calmer and somewhat rested and that can make participating in sexual activity so much better. For you both.
3. You’re Less Distracted
One of my favorite things about doing anything in the middle of the night is the world is quiet. No traffic on the street. No people blowing up my phone. Shoot, even the internet (i.e., social media) is slower (as far as there being less traffic). And when you're less distracted that makes it easier to focus on one thing — and one thing only. And when you are truly present during sex, that makes it so much more intense and satisfying. Right?
4. It Can Be Super Spontaneous
A theatrical producer by the name of Wei Wu Wei once said, "Spontaneity is being present in the present." I adore everything about that frame of mind because it's a reminder to treat every single minute as if it is something special, precious and worthy of making the most of. Sex is not exempt here either because rather than always pulling out a calendar to see when you and yours can "fit it in", imagine just rolling over in the middle of the night and being like, "Damn, I love this man. I've gotta have him now because now is all that matters to me." (Cue Darius Lovehall in Love Jones) When sex is very "in the moment", it tends to be passionate, electric, erotic, steamy and just all around rapturous in the very best ways possible! You have to try it out to truly know.
5. It’s Romantic As All Get Out
I once heard someone say that romance is all about being very intentional in how you express your love. I agree, which is why I penned "What Does It Truly Mean When Someone's 'Romantic'?", "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)" and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience" once upon a time for the site. And when you are super affectionate with your partner in the middle of the night, you surprise them with a small token that expresses how you feel about them, you massage that area of their body that they mentioned was sore earlier in the day, you whisper how special they are to you in their ear — you do something that let's them know that you feel so blessed to be with them, yes, at midnight, that can be really romantic which can cause things to get really sexy…really quickly.
6. You’re Typically Hornier During a Full Moon
Yes, the moon is up and out way before midnight (especially during the fall and winter months). Still, I am a BIG TIME A Different World fan and I remember Denise once telling Dwayne that her idea of romance was being awakened by her partner in the middle of the night, just to look at the moon (I can totally dig that!). You know, aside from how sweet cuddling up in the light of a full moon can be, there are also studies to support that a lot of us ovulate around that time (which makes us hornier and more fertile) and, because there is a stronger gravitational pull altogether, that can cause our arousal levels to significantly increase as well.
So, even if you're on the fence about trying this midnight thing out any other time, at least do it on a full moon. December 2021's happens on the 7th. You can find 2022's calendar right here. You're welcome. #wink
7. It’s a Great Morning Conversation Starter
There are plenty of studies out in cyberspace that point to the fact that the way you choose to start your day can really set the tone for how your day continues and even ends. And while this is definitely a cosign for morning sex (including morning quickies), it can be for midnight sex too because, say that you have sex from midnight until 1 a.m. and then you and your boo up for the rest of the evening.
You're able to get more rest. Your oxytocin levels will be higher because you'll feel closer to (and safer with) your partner. You may even sleep in an extra 15-20 minutes or use those early sunrise hours as your pillow talk time to share how he sure did put it down last night (cue Jill Scott). And when you're well-rested, when you feel connected to your partner and the sex just a few hours ago was bomb? How can that not have you walking on air the next day?
8. You’re Already Naked…RIGHT?
Last year, another writer for this platform penned, "Yes, Sleeping Naked Could Help Your Anxiety & Sleep Pattern". Listen, other than when I'm on my period (for obvious reasons, I'm thinking), I have been sleeping naked for years now and I can't imagine doing it any other way. I feel freer. I'm not as hot. And it gives "her" some time to breathe. And back when I had a man in my bed? Wheeeeew-weeeee. Something about that skin-to-skin action, even in a sleeping state, is top-tier! And when you've got all those biceps, that chest and those strong legs wrapped around you, how could you NOT pass up the chance to let a lil' sumthin' sumthin' slide in during the midnight hour?
Listen, I may have sold you, I may have not. But you can't convince me that having some midnight sex, at least a couple of times each month, isn't the key to taking your sex life to another level. Talk about making the most of what bumps around in the night, chile. *exhale*
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Not only is it a kind thing to do, expressing gratitude can also be a proactive way to preserve your relationship as well. Why do I say that? It's because, more times than not, whenever someone talks to me about how their relationship has gotten to the point where it's basically on life support, one of the main reasons why is because they feel taken for granted and not appreciated.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Whether you've only been with your boo for a few months or it's been several-years-and-counting, before you sit around a Thanksgiving dinner table to share all of the things that you are truly thankful for this year, please make the time to show your significant other why you're so grateful for them as well. If you need a little inspiration to come up with a cool way to do it, I've got a few.
How To Express Gratitude In Your Relationships
1. Write a List of What You Appreciate About Them. Then Frame It.
"Appreciate" is a dope word. It means "to be grateful or thankful for" and "to value or regard highly; place a high estimate on". The reason why I think a lot of people feel taken for granted in their relationship is because their significant other tends to overlook another definition of the word—"to be fully conscious of; be aware of; detect".
All of us like to feel that the person we are seeing not only values us, but they also have the desire to make sure that we're aware of just how much they do. To jot down a list of reasons why you love or admire the special individual in your life and then frame it, not only is that a sentimental gesture, it's something that they can hold close to them for the rest of their life.
2. Mail a Handwritten Thank-You Note for a Week Straight
While checking out an article on Lifehack's site, it brought up some points about handwriting letters that I definitely thought was worth sharing. It said that handwriting sentiments was a really classy thing to do. Plus, it showed that you cared enough about someone to make the time to write your thoughts and feelings down. It even shared a study that revealed writing things can make you feel happier and more self-satisfied.
These days, we're so used to everything coming in the form of an email or text that, imagine how surprised the object of your affection will feel to receive seven handwritten thank-you notes—one for each day of the week. The only thing that would impress them more is if you actually sent them through the mail. Because who doesn't like to see something other than a bill in their mailbox?
3. Send an Email with 10 Ways They’ve Inspired You
Not to say that emailing isn't also effective. If you take 5-10 minutes to think about what your boo has brought to your life since knowing them, you can probably easily come up with 10 ways that they've inspired you to become a better person. By expressing your gratitude in this way, not only will it be nice for your significant other to hear, it can also remind you of why you're with them in the first place. It'll be the best email they've received in a while. I'd be willing to put a good amount of money on that.
4. Create an Appreciation Jar
One of the best gifts that I've ever received, hands down, was from two friends who gave me a box. When I opened it up, there were different colored pieces of construction paper on them. Each had a word that my friends said described my personality. Come to think of it, I've had that box for about 15 years now. It's still on display and I still adore it because it was extremely thoughtful. It also gave me insight into how other people see me.
Another way to show your partner just how much you appreciate them is to create something similar; maybe something like an appreciation jar. Go to a local arts store, Walmart or Target to get a Mason jar (make sure it has a lid). Then, cut up some pieces of paper. On each one, type or handwrite one thing that you appreciate about them. Try and come up with enough things to fill the jar, at least halfway. It can be a great pick-me-up if they choose to place the jar on their desk at work. All they need to do is open it, pull out a piece of paper and bam—they will have an instant reminder of why there is at least one person on the planet who values them and is truly thankful for them. Not just for one reason but many.
5. Make Them a Gift Basket
My godchildren's mom was recently telling me that she encouraged my older goddaughter to make the people in her life Christmas gifts this year instead of buying them. My godchild has particular taste, even at eight years of age, so she wasn't impressed with her mom's suggestion. But I can honestly say that the things that I've gotten from my goddaughter that have moved me the most are things that she handcrafted.
Just like my goddaughter, I think a lot of adults also underestimate the impact of what a handmade gift can do, especially if you're looking for ways to show someone how grateful they are to have them in your world. If you're open to considering making your partner something, how about a gift basket of some sort? You can create one that centers around a theme like a pampering or a favorite memories basket, or you can just put a variety of random small special items in it. Items like what? Your partner's favorite cookies; a framed picture of the two of you; a CD that features some of y'all's favorite songs; tickets to a movie or upcoming concert; a bottle of wine that the two of you can share; some scented candles; a copy of a book that they've been wanting to read—these are just some ideas to get your creative juices going. Once you know what you want to put into your basket, all you need to do is go to a local arts and crafts store to pick up a basket, some cellophane to wrap everything up in, along with a big ole' bow. Just like that, you're good to go.
6. Treat Them to Something They Enjoy Doing
Something that a lot of guys tell me that they hate about dating is the fact that, oftentimes, the date is centered around what the woman wants to do, not them. Some of us don't even think about this when we're talking to our man about what to do the following weekend.
No matter what your guy's love language may be, I don't know one man who wouldn't be moved by the "acts of service" decision to plan an entire date around the things that he enjoys most.
Maybe it's tickets to a game. Maybe it's doing something super adventurous. Maybe it's getting a meal from a favorite food truck and sitting in a car and talking for hours. The point is hone in on what his likes are and then to show how much you adore him by customizing a date that is totally centered around those things. The thought itself is something that will deeply move him. It really will.
7. Have Some “Thank You Flowers” Delivered to Their Job
There's a platonic male friend of mine who I once brought flowers to. He had an acting debut and I thought that a bunch of sunflowers would be a cool gift. When I handed them to him, he said, "I've never received flowers before. I never thought that I would like getting them this much." He still talks about that to this day. That's why sending flowers makes this list. Although traditionally, we think of floral deliveries going to women, I think it would put a smile on a lot of men's faces to get a fresh bouquet at their place of business. Especially when it's from their lady and includes a sweet note.
As far as what kind of flowers to get, ones that specifically express gratitude include roses, irises, chrysanthemums, sweet peas and any kind of yellow flower. If you want to be symbolic, that is.
8. Give Them a Personalized Gratitude Journal
Another way to show your boo just how grateful you are for them is to gift them with a gratitude journal. The reason why this can ultimately prove to be the gift that keeps on giving is because there is a significant amount of scientific evidence to support that expressing gratitude on a regular basis enhances relationships, improves one's physical as well as psychological health, improves our self-esteem and even makes it easier to sleep at night.
Make the journal an extra special present by getting it personalized with their name on it, along with a favorite love quote, song lyric or an original sentiment about how you feel about your partner. Don't forget to write an inscription on the inside of the journal too. As far as where you can get a personalized journal, off the top of my head, I know that Etsy offers some that are at a pretty reasonable price.
9. Purchase Something Made Out of “Gratitude Crystals”
If you want to give a gift that comes in the form of jewelry or maybe even a keychain, how about giving your partner something that is made out of crystals that evoke feelings of gratitude by making the individual feel good about themselves? Druzy crystals promote feelings of self-love. Sodalites promote feelings of self-awareness. Danburite encourages people to let their light shine. Rhodochrosite symbolizes joy and compassion in one's life. Green Aventurine is both a comforter as well as a heart healer. A gift that has these kinds of meanings will make the receiver grateful to receive it, and grateful every time that they wear it (or use it) and the gift-giver comes to mind.
10. Get a Wall Calendar and Write a Memory You Cherish for Each Month of the Year
We are right on the cusp of a new year. Something else that you can do to keep your partner organized and make them feel appreciated is to get them a 2020 wall calendar. Then, for each month, write a memory pertaining to you two's relationship that you truly cherish. It's kind. It's thoughtful. And it's something that they can make use of for the next 365 days.
I can just imagine how much closer a lot of people would be in their relationship of expressing gratitude was a priority. Set the bar by doing something creative for your partner over the next few days. It will make both of you feel that much closer. Gratitude always does.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
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Originally published on November 27, 2019
