Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
So, here’s the deal: if you’re over the age of 35, perimenopause can last anywhere from a few months to an entire freakin’ decade. And so, if you’re wondering why I’m talking about menopause more often these days…now you know.
Okay and just what does perimenopause and especially menopause have to do with your skin? Chile, where do I even start? SMDH. Probably the easiest way to explain it is that when your estrogen and progesterone levels drop (which is what automatically happens during that time of life), it can directly impact how your skin both looks and feels. Your skin may feel drier, thinner, or appear less “full” (meaning plump) — and all of that can make it look older than you want it to.
Honestly, that’s why a lot of skincare products are marketed as being “anti-aging”; it’s their gentle way of saying skin that is perimenopausal or menopausal. In fact, I actually read that during the first five years of menopause, it’s pretty common to lose as much as 30 percent of the collagen that’s in your system (check out “We Lose Collagen As We Age. 10 Ways To Naturally Boost It.”). And since collagen plays such a significant role in your skin retaining moisture, having elasticity, and avoiding the fine lines and wrinkles that most of us would prefer to put off for as long as we possibly can, it’s important to do what can be done, even now, to keep a youthful and radiant glow.
So, let’s get into it. Because there is indeed such a thing as menopause skincare (the anti-aging industry brings in literally billions of dollars every year because of it), I want to share 12 things that you can proactively do to care for your own skin: whether you’re in perimenopause, menopause, post-menopause or just…curious.
1. Eat More Phytoestrogens
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Okay, so since you lose quite a bit of estrogen during menopause, if you don’t want your skin to look like you did, you should consider consuming some phytoestrogens. Those are foods like dried fruits, garlic, plums, pears, apples, onions, and collards that come from plant-based estrogen. Since phytoestrogens are able to do everything from bring more hydration into your skin to boost your collagen levels, if you want to “push pause” on the aging process of your skin from the inside out, eating phytoestrogens is certainly one way to do it.
2. Also, Consume More Collagen-Enriched Foods
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We already touched on what collagen is able to do, which is why it’s a good idea to eat foods that are rich in this particular structural protein as well. Chicken, broccoli, bone broth, berries, cashews, egg whites, and citrus fruit can get you right in this department. Know what else can? Green tea.
3. Enjoy Some Dark Chocolate
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Women who are postmenopausal should consume dark chocolate on a consistent basis because it helps with their heart health. Something else that research reveals is dark chocolate is great when it comes to boosting cognitive function (which can also decline during menopause when it comes to your memory). Your skin could use dark chocolate because it increases blood circulation to it. Also, dark chocolate can protect your skin from damaging UV rays. And since dark chocolate helps to reduce stress, that is just one more reason to snack on it — and perhaps why you should consider applying a dark chocolate face mask a couple of times a month, too (you can check out some more info via StyleCraze on all of that here).
By the way, it should go on record that the key is not to pick up a Hershey’s bar on your way home. You need to eat the kind of dark chocolate that contains no less than 65-70 percent cocoa. Yep, the less sweet and more chalk-like it tastes, the better (just sayin’).
4. Put Aloe Vera Juice in Your Drinks
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The antibacterial, antioxidant, and anti-inflammatory properties in (pure) aloe vera juice can do wonders for your system. Not only is it full of antioxidants and vitamin C, but aloe vera juice can also help to improve digestion, regulate your blood sugar levels, improve your oral health, soothe heartburn, and keep your vision healthy and strong. As far as your skin goes, aloe vera juice will definitely help it to maintain a proper level of moisture. As a bonus, it can also help to increase collagen production and improve elasticity in your skin.
Oh, if the thought of drinking aloe vera juice straight makes you slightly want to throw up in your mouth, take it from me that if you put a tablespoon in your juice or smoothie, you will hardly even notice that it’s there.
5. Up Your Water Intake
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Our bodies are made up of mostly water; so, of course, we need it. How much? For regular maintenance purposes, many health experts say that we, as women, can benefit from nine cups a day. If you want to shed a few pounds, 1-2 liters are recommended. And when it comes to dealing with menopause, in general, and avoiding dry skin that comes from it, at least do the bare minimum (although adding a couple of glasses of water to that would be ideal). The bottom line here is hydrate, hydrate, HYDRATE. If you want to get a leg up on menopausal skin, that’s gonna be how you do it best.
6. Take a Probiotic
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You’re gonna be hard-pressed to read something on gut health and not see a probiotic mentioned (check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.”). That’s because there is plenty of data out here to support that taking a probiotic can do wonders for keeping your intestinal health in great condition. Your skin will thrive off of a probiotic because, not only is it proven to decrease the amount of water that your skin loses, but it also helps to improve the quality of your skin too.
7. “Seal Your Skin” with Marula Oil
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If you want your skin to look as young as it possibly can, it’s always a good idea to look for products that contain a lot of antioxidants, essential fatty acids, and amino acids; one of those is marula oil (which is an oil that comes from marula fruit). In fact, one of the reasons why it gets a shout-out here is a lot of skincare experts recommend that you use it to “seal in moisture.” And since that is a great way to keep water in your skin (for longer) after taking a shower or bath, if you’re looking for the perfect oil to keep your skin feeling super soft and hydrated, hours after washing up, marula oil is one to keep in mind (plum oil is pretty bomb too, by the way).
8. Hyaluronic Acid Is Your Friend
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Over the past several months, something that I’ve been becoming more and more of a fan of is hyaluronic acid (check out “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday”). As far as menopause goes, it can actually help to naturally treat vaginal atrophy in postmenopausal women. Also, when it comes to your skin, since it actually has the ability to make it more flexible — well, that can make fine lines and wrinkles less of a visible issue.
9. Do Chemical Peels
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Last fall, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.” I did it because, ever since I started doing chemical peels, I’ve started to see a nice shift in both the appearance as well as the texture of my skin. Anyway, since fine lines and acne are two things that oftentimes come with menopausal skin (more on pimples in a bit), and that is just what chemical peels help to treat, applying them on a consistent basis could be a wise move. You can get a potent chemical peel from a skin professional, or you can do what I do and go the lighter route at home. I’ve had no regrets (other than not fully following the directions and getting a mild chemical burn on my face once in the beginning) since doing so.
10. Try CeraVe (No Joke)
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I can’t remember the last time that I watched television, and a doggone CeraVe commercial didn't come on at some point. Personally, I’ve never used any of the products before — I might consider it now, though. Apparently, “the ceramides in CeraVe” are exactly what our skin is longing for during perimenopause and menopause. Long story short, ceramides are the fats that are in our skin cells; they actually make up around 30-40 percent of the outer layers of our skin. And since you not only lose quite a bit of ceramides during menopause, their structure tends to change too — next time you’re at the store, picking up a CeraVe moisturizer certainly couldn’t hurt.
11. Do Research on “Menopausal Acne”
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It’s like it never ends. Lawd. Okay, so why in the world, would we as grown-ass women, end up with acne? The bottom line here is just like hormonal fluctuations can trigger breakouts in teenagers, pretty much the same thing can happen to us during perimenopause and menopause. From what I’ve read and researched, as far as how to treat it, you can do similar things that you did as an adolescent (if acne was an issue), including applying benzoyl peroxide and topical retinoids. Although, if you’ve never been to a dermatologist before, this may be the time to do it. They may be able to customize a skincare regimen that can make getting through this season of acne a lot easier for you.
12. Don’t Forget About Sunscreen
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Even though we’re more melanated than any other demographic (and I love that for us!), it is ridiculous to think that skin cancer cares about that. Know what else some of us need to let go of? The belief is that we only need protection from the sun during the summer months. Listen, so long as the sun is shining, rays are beaming, and they can ultimately damage our skin (even in the wintertime). And since menopause makes skin thinner, which ultimately means that it’s more vulnerable, you definitely need to make sunscreen a part of your daily skincare routine, now more than ever. You can check out a list of some of the best sunscreens for our complexion(s) here.
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Menopause skin prep. Chile, you ain’t gotta tell me — I’m right there with you, somewhere in perimenopause. Hopefully, this intel will make shifting into the transition easier to bear…so that “Black not cracking” can remain intact. Even during the seasons of (perimenopause) and menopause.
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Not too long ago, I was talking to a senior Black woman who has super long, healthy hair about what her secret was. Her immediate response is what inspired me to pen this because, low-key, I couldn’t agree more with what she said. “I know everyone thinks that the internet knows every damn thing these days, but I still grease my scalp. It worked for my grandmother, it worked for my mom, it works for me and my own daughters and granddaughters.”
LISTEN. And what’s wild is, when it comes to Black haircare, few topics are more polarizing than whether you actually need oil — or not (Google “should you grease your scalp” to see what I mean). While I do agree that, for the most part, you should avoid things like mineral oil and petroleum-based products because they can clog your hair follicles, weigh your hair down, and sometimes even make your hair drier and harder (because the oil is sitting on top of your hair instead of actually penetrating it), I firmly believe that certain oils can perform all sorts of miracles and wonders for your hair and scalp. It’s all about knowing your hair type, what it needs, and how to apply oils properly and effectively.
How To Use Hair Oil Properly
Are you ready to learn how to do that? Let’s get into it.
Massage Your Scalp
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Let’s start with the foundation of your hair: your scalp. First up, if you want to reduce stress, pretty much anywhere on your body, a massage will help make that happen. In fact, there are even studies to support that a scalp (head) massage can also help lower your blood pressure and ease headache and migraine tension. As far as hair growth goes, using your fingers to rub your scalp can also reduce hair shedding and increase the thickness of your hair (by slightly stretching out your hair follicles) over time.
And here’s the thing: If you warm up an oil like rosemary to massage your scalp with, thanks to the antioxidant, anti-inflammatory, and antimicrobial properties that are in it, it can help stimulate your hair follicles. Also, if you battle with dandruff on some level and you bring a few drops of tea tree oil into the mix, its antifungal properties can help to bring relief to itching and flaking while actually reducing some of the fungi that create dandruff in the first place.
(For the record, some other essential oils that are great for fighting dandruff and overall scalp irritation include frankincense, peppermint, and cedarwood.)
Pre-Poo
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It’s kinda wild, the small steps we will skip, thinking that they are no big deal when they actually are. In walks, pre-pooing. I’m thinking that a lot of you know something about the concept; however, just to be on the safe side…since shampooing can oftentimes strip your hair of the moisture that it needs, pre-pooing is all about applying conditioner, a hair mask, or some type of hair oil to your tresses, before washing them, in order to retain hydration. Since this article is all about oil, I’ll focus on some of the ones that are great for moisture retention as far as pre-pooing goes.
- Olive oil is a dope one because it’s loaded with antioxidants and fatty acids.
- Avocado oil is beneficial because it has biotin, vitamin E, and moisturizing properties in it.
- Jojoba oil is good because it has the ability to add moisture to your hair from the inside out.
Once you’ve selected the oil of your choice, divide your hair into 4-8 sections, generously apply the oil to dry hair (you can dampen it a bit if you’d like), and allow it to penetrate your hair for about 20-30 minutes before you shampoo your hair. That way, your hair will still be soft, manageable, and pretty protected as far as dryness goes before the shampoo starts doing its cleansing thing.
Add Some to Your Conditioner
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Listen, I don’t care who you are or what your hair type is; if there’s something that you definitely should be doing, it’s deep conditioning your tresses. As someone who does it religiously, to do a thorough job, you’re gonna need about an hour just to accomplish that. So, what if you’re pressed for time? Another thing that you can do is add some oil to your hair conditioner, apply it, put on a thermal heating cap, and leave it on for, say, 10 minutes or so. The mixture of the oil with your conditioner and heat while your hair is already damp will penetrate your cuticles and make them feel like you did a pretty solid version of deep conditioning.
Oils that are great for this? Thanks to all of the vitamin E that it contains, argan oil; if you want to add some additional shine, macadamia oil, and if you’re looking for something that will help to reduce the damage that hair dyes can cause (like drying your hair out), camellia oil.
Lock in Moisture (with Layering)
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Speaking of adding (additional) moisture to your hair, something that many sistahs do is either take the LOC (Liquid, Oil, Cream) or LCO (Liquid, Cream, Oil) approach. It’s pretty explanatory yet the bottom line is, if your hair is particularly dry, layering a liquid with a cream or oil could help you keep moisture in your hair for longer. As far as whether LOC or LCO is best for you, LOC fans typically have high porosity hair (meaning that your hair both takes in and loses moisture quickly because there are “holes” in your hair’s cuticle), and LCO is best for low porosity (which means it’s hard for their hair to get moisture to penetrate).
As far as the cream goes, it can be anything from a creamy hair conditioner to a hair butter like mango or shea butter. Oils that are effective include evening primrose oil, pumpkin seed oil, and moringa oil because they all help strengthen your tresses.
Seal Your Ends
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Because the ends of your hair are the oldest parts of it, you need to be intentional about giving them as much TLC as possible; that’s the only way that you’ll ultimately be able to retain length long-term. One way you can do that is by sealing your ends, which simply means that you apply some oil to the ends of your hair while it’s damp. Sweet almond oil deeply hydrates dry hair without weighing it down, soybean oil is full of fatty acids, and Jamaican black castor oil is also a deep moisturizer.
For tips on how to seal your ends properly, check out this instructional video here. Oh, and if some of you were waiting for me to mention coconut oil, although it doesn’t personally work for me, there is a YouTuber who shouts it out as far as hair sealing goes here.
Add a Bit of Oil At Night
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Probably until each and every cow comes home, there’s gonna be a debate about whether or not it’s beneficial to apply oil to hair while it’s dry. Personally, to get the most lasting effects, when it’s damp is always gonna be best. Oh, but don’t sleep on applying a bit of oil to your hair at night before turning in, too. I’ve been doing it for quite some time now and I’ve noticed that it’s helped to pamper my ends in between wash days. What I like to do is cornrow my hair (to keep it stretched out without the use of any heat) and then apply oil to the ends before tying it up and turning in.
Oils that I recommend? Carrot seed oil helps to prevent split ends, hemp seed oil helps to strengthen your hair and reduce breakage, and grapeseed oil is a potent moisturizer that also reduces frizz.
BONUS: Blue Magic, Anyone?
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As I wind this down… back to the whole, “greasing your scalp” thing. A few years back, I wrote “Looking For Hair Growth? It Might Be Time To Bring 'Blue Magic' Back” for the platform because if there is one woman whose hair is something magnificent out in these internet streets, it’s a woman whose YouTube channel is EfikZara. When I tell you that she ain’t tryin’ to hear nobody tell her to give up petroleum and mineral oil? Not one bit. Anyway, one of her videos is inside of the article if you want to check out her regimen.
What I will say for now is I tried it on my mostly 4B hair, and I hard passed. Blue Magic ultimately made it hard and stiff. HOWEVER, I know some people with 4-type hair who have low porosity, and when they applied grease to damp hair, they said that it kept their locks soft and moisturized longer than just about anything else.
Bottom line: Figure out what works for you and stick to it. And chile, if that happens to be hair grease…so be it, sis. DO IT.
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I’m hoping that I did a thorough enough job to where, if someone tells you that oiling your hair is futile, you can immediately refute those claims. Oil can be a real godsend — so long as you know what you’re doing.
Hopefully now…you do.
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If there’s one saying that low-key irks me, it’s “Everything happens for a reason.” Duh, and you don’t say. I don’t even know why that is supposed to come off as being any type of profound, do you? Nah, to me, I think life should be about “everything happening with a purpose,” — and that’s why, when it comes to my own life purpose (which has a lot to do with covenant-based relationships), I am so intentional about doing everything that I can to make sure that people don’t just get married for the right reasons; they need to choose the right person too.
Otherwise, they could end up in the world of an Anne Bancroft quote that says, “If you marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons, then no matter how hard you work, it's never going to work, because then you have to completely change yourself, completely change them, completely — by that time, you're both dead.”
Now, do I 1000 percent believe that marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons equates to automatic disaster, no matter what? No. I know couples who did just that (at least on some level), and yet, because they took their vows seriously, they actually chose to make their marriage work. In fact, many of them told me that it matured them in ways that they never would have otherwise. However, that’s a huge gamble. Besides, wouldn’t it just be better to do things the right way from the jump? And that includes making sure that your motives are in a healthy and honest place before standing in front of God, your family and friends, and “him” and making all sorts of promises and pledges.
Signs You're Getting Married for the Wrong Reasons
So, let’s take some preventative measures today, shall we? With the help of 12 women in my world, I’m about to share with you some clear signs that when it comes to marriage, if these are your motives, there’s a very big possibility that you are getting married for the wrong reasons — and that could make the purpose of marriage a real struggle for you…in ways that you may not notice until it’s far too late.
*Middle names are always used in my interview pieces so that people are able to speak super freely*
1. Ursula. 41. Married for Six Years.
“Your clock. Getting married because you want to have kids, so you rush into marriage in order to do so, is something that you will regret on levels that you cannot begin to imagine because you’re assuming that all you need to do is get a husband and everything will automatically fall into place. What if you have trouble conceiving? What if you and your husband don’t have the same values as far as rearing children? What if he changes his mind and doesn’t want kids at all? Children are a blessing. Even more so if you are raising them with someone who is going to make the process easier for you — and that means choosing a good man over just someone who can be your children’s father. If you’re looking for sperm more than a husband, you are on a dangerous road, sis.”
2. Shalawndria. 30. Divorced.
“DO NOT GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU ARE LONELY. I’m pretty sure Shellie can attest to the fact that there are a lot of lonely wives out here. And besides, if you’re expecting a man to fill voids that you can’t even fill yourself, you are in for a world full of heartache — and I know what I’m talking about. I got married because, rather than doing self-work, I expected my man to ‘fix’ it all. Being a spouse is already a full-time job; no one wants to be a fill-in therapist, too. Love is great, and I’m still a believer, but if you think that your partner’s job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You’ll choose differently.”
"Love is great, and I'm still a believer, but if you think that your partner's job is to heal you, you will end up in divorce court faster than I did. Heal first. Then, pick a husband. You'll choose differently."
3. Maxine. 50. Divorced for Three Years.
“Don’t get married to get over someone else. It doesn’t work. Women love to talk about men cheating, but a lot of us have emotional affairs that we try to justify, or we rationalize staying in touch with someone from our past who should’ve been cut off a long time ago. If there is a man who still gives you butterflies, who you still kinda stalk on socials, or who you even send a ‘Happy Birthday’ message to on an annual basis — you need to get yourself all the way together before saying ‘I do.’ I know of what I speak. I thought that getting married to a good man is what would get me past the love of my life. Hmph. No man is good enough when you’re not completely over someone. Don’t drag anyone into all of that. Get off that man first. And if you don’t want to, stay single instead of being in a relationship.”
4. Taleeyah. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t realize how ‘rough I was around the edges’ until I got married. Because, let’s not act like we aren’t biased when it comes to how we see ourselves — and our friends? Sometimes, they don’t want to tell us what we need to hear either because they don’t want to hurt our feelings or, let’s be real, they don’t feel like going through the drama. But when you’re sharing a bathroom and bedroom with someone, it’s pretty hard to hide who you really are — and that means that you are gonna hear about yourself whether you want to hear it or not. I could go on about this all day, but the best way to condense the point is, ‘If you don’t want to be held accountable on a regular basis’, don’t get married. Thinking that this man is only going to tell you how awesome you are all of the time without calling you out is the grandest delusion of relationships. Well, marital ones.”
5. Edin. 47. Married for 21 Years.
“Looking for your husband to treat you like your dad. Shellie counseled us for a season, and she brought up something that I never thought about before: daughters are princesses; wives are queens. You shouldn’t expect your husband to treat you like your dad would because you’re an adult as a wife. If you’re expecting to just sit around and be doted on all day long while you spend a man’s money, you need to get a season pass to the movie theater, not get married. If your father is doing a bang-up job, he's preparing you for how to live with a man, compromise with a man, and yes, as much as some of you don’t want to hear it, respect a man. He will make it to where you can be in harmony with someone who is the same gender as him. You’re not a little girl anymore, and nothing will wake you up to that fact like marriage will. Trust me.”
6. Tarren. 33. Engaged for a Year.
“A distraction. This isn’t my first engagement, and it’s my fault that the last one didn’t work out. There was stuff that I didn’t want to face when it came to my career, some family drama, and my finances, and so I used a relationship as a distraction. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the reality that you can only run for so long — there are only so many dates, trips, and gifts before you have to face the reality that you have to deal with some things, and it’s not fair to drag someone into your mess just because you don’t want to. Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I.”
"Marriage doesn’t make your mess go away. If anything, marriage makes it stare you dead in your face until you deal with it. My engagement is longer than I planned now because I want to make sure that I don’t do to this man what I did to my ex. He’s grateful, and so am I."
7. Arlee. 38. Divorced for Six Years.
“Don’t get married as a financial bailout plan — and don’t act like some of you haven’t been thinking about it. It’s not someone else’s job or responsibility to pay off your student loans, pay off your credit cards, or get your savings account out of the negative. Shellie talks often about how women are supposed to be the helpmates, but so many are weighing men down with all of these problems that they had before their guy ever arrived. She’s right. You are helping no one if your finances are a hot ass mess. If your financial plan is to get a husband to fix your BS, you are totally getting married for the wrong reasons.”
8. Keelah. 26. Engaged for Three Months.
“I come from a line of women who ignored the little voice in their head that told them not to get married to the men that they did. From where I stand, that is the greatest example of getting married for the wrong reason. It’s not unrealistic to say that getting married should be one of the best times of your entire life — including one of the most peaceful. When I think of my bae, I don’t have one hesitation, question, or fear. I don’t feel like I’m rushing, or avoiding, or in denial. We’ve welcomed therapy for ourselves, counseling with each other, and insights from those who care about us.
"We’ve asked each other some really hard questions and have slowed things down when we didn’t have immediate answers. If your intention is to take marriage seriously, you can’t treat it like a high school science experiment…like, ‘Welp, that didn’t work. Oh well.’ Thinking that you can just keep getting married over and over again sounds like you think marriage is a game. My advice? Whatever is telling you to wait, you should do it until you figure out what that’s all about. If you don’t, and you jump a broom anyway — I’m not sure there could be a worse reason to get married.”
9. Beven. 31. Married for Four Years.
“PLEASE don’t get married to change someone. How would you feel if someone did that to you? If you can’t marry someone just as they are right now, either they aren’t the one for you, or you need to learn how to not be such a control freak. Too many people treat their partner like a project; that’s frustrating for them and exhausting for you. A part of what comes with loving someone is accepting them. If you aren’t prepared to do that, push the wedding date back.”
10. Aniyah. 36. Divorced for Six Months.
“Ask a room full of women what their wedding day is going to be like, and they’ve got every detail down. Ask them what kind of wife they plan to be, and if you listen really carefully, it’s usually about what they expect to receive more than give. It’s like they think that marriage is one long wedding day. It’s not. Even though my divorce is fairly new, I’m not jaded about marriage. What I will say is I was delusional about what it required before I did it. A wife requires a lot. Learn as much as you can about it before getting married. Don’t do like I did and find out that what you thought you signed for isn’t what you’re in.”11. Yumi. 29. Married for Five Years.
“You want someone to love you more than you love you, that’s the wrong reason. Men are different than we are anyway, so they aren’t going to express themselves in the way that we would to ourselves — if that makes sense. Like, I’m big on pampering. My husband is more practical. He budgets so that I can go all out about four times a year on spa days and stuff, but is he going to plan it out? He’s not. If I spent a lot of time trying to get him to be how I am, we’d both be pissed. While you’re single, get into the habit of how to love yourself so that the pressure doesn’t fall solely on your husband when you get married. Some people wait for a mate to treat themselves a certain way. That mistake is HUGE.”
12. Denaye. 52. Married for 34 Years.
“Have mercy! PLEASE DO NOT GET MARRIED THINKING THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING TO BE JUST LIKE SOMEONE ELSE’S! I don’t care if it’s your best friend, your mama, or some couple at church. Too many women are out here competing with each other, whether they realize it or not, and it’s because they play the comparison game. Just like no two people are alike, no two marriages are either. So, if you plan on getting married only to wear your man out with all of this ‘So-and-so’s husband does such-and-such’ — do you and him a favor and just…don’t. You can go to other people for advice, but ultimately, you have to figure out how to customize what works best for you and yours…and others have nothing to do with that.”
Shellie here: And yes, she asked me to “scream” (via all caps) that entire sentence; that is just how much she meant it, chile.
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An actor by the name of Jonathan Pryce once said, “Even a good decision, if made for the wrong reasons, can be a wrong decision.” Greater words have not been spoken when it comes to marriage. So, if marriage is high on your priority list right through here, I really hope that you take all of the wisdom that was just shared to heart.
Marriage is one of, if not the, biggest decisions that you will ever make.
Don’t make it for the wrong reasons.
It’s not worth it. It really isn’t.
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Goodness. I know that I can’t be the only one who is tripping out that spring is literally days away. Even as I’m typing all of this out, I’m trying to figure out where January and February went because it has pretty much all been a blur. Anyway, since time couldn’t care less about what we think of it (LOL), if there’s one thing I’m learning, the older I get, is to simply accept that it’s gonna move, sometimes faster than I would like — and so, I need to prepare for it: mind, body, and spirit.
Today? We’re gonna tackle the body and more specifically, our skin. Why? Because with the spring season comes showing more of it while also spending more time outdoors. So, don’t you want to do that without feeling subconscious due to any skin issues you might have? Ones that, honestly, you can get on top of before the spring season gets into full swing?
You’ve read the title already and yes, I meant what I said. Even though springtime is right around the corner, if you’re willing to implement these 10 skin-positive tips ASAP, you can still significantly improve the quality of your skin and its appearance before you put your first spring dress on. Promise.
1. Use Cleansing Brushes
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Imma tell y’all what: one of the best things that I ever did for my face (and neck) is start using an electric cleaning brush. Hands down, it’s one of the quickest and most effective ways to exfoliate your skin and, if you use them consistently, over time, you will notice that your skin feels smoother and looks brighter too.
I will give you a heads up that if you’ve never used cleaning brushes before and you have acne-prone or oily skin, you might notice extra pimples or irritated skin after the first week or so of using them; however, that is a temporary issue. Your skin is simply not used to that level of deep cleaning and it all should pass within an additional 1-2 weeks or so.
By the way, for this reason, you might want to use a gentler cleanser than usual since the brushes are going to be doing so much of the work. As far as which brushes are best, InStyle has a list of recommendations here and Cosmo also does here.
2. Cleanse Your Face with Raw Milk
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Speaking of a gentle cleanser, if you’re looking for one, how about raw milk? If you’re curious about what that is, it’s basically milk that has not yet been pasteurized. And while you should take a hard pass on drinking it (because harmful bacteria tend to be in it), when it comes to your skin, specifically, it can be good for you. That’s because its properties are great when it comes to toning your skin, deeply moisturizing it, speeding up the healing process of breakouts, protecting your skin from damaging sun rays and even reducing the appearance of dark circles around your eyes.
Farms are typically where you can find raw milk the easiest. If you don’t know a farmer personally, check out Real Milk’s site (here) for a list of places that make raw milk available to customers.
3. Exfoliate with Baking Soda
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When I was growing up, my mother put me on to brushing my teeth with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide. It wasn’t until I was an adult, though, that I learned anything about using baking soda as a skin exfoliant. Since it contains pretty potent antibacterial properties and has a gritty feel to it, if you’re looking for an all-natural exfoliant that will help to treat acne, eczema, psoriasis or help to remove ingrown hairs or even treat fungal infections — baking soda has a pretty solid reputation when it comes to all of these things. Just make sure that you apply it to damp skin because the texture of it will be too rough (especially on your face) otherwise.
4. Or Try Some Coffee Grounds
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Since exfoliants are so great at cleaning out pores, improving the texture of your skin, and providing a radiant glow to it as well, let’s talk about one more all-natural option: coffee grounds. Earlier this year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Why Caffeine Is Great For You On The Beauty Regimen Tip” because, even if you aren’t much of a java drinker, you still should keep some around for your skin’s sake. One way that coffee grounds are bomb is the high amount of antioxidants in them can actually help to improve the collagen and elastin levels in your skin; this means that coffee grounds are a wonderful anti-aging skin remedy.
One recipe that I like is mixing some brown sugar (another good exfoliant that also acts as a humectant), some sweet almond oil (which is full of vitamins A and E as well as fatty acids), and some coffee grounds. Your skin will be super smooth and more even-looking, even after the first use. I can just about guarantee it.
5. DIY Your Toner
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If there is one skin step that I think far too many of us skip (and shouldn’t), it is toner. If you can personally attest to that fact, make a commitment to apply it regularly and consistently to your current skin regimen. Toner not only deeply cleanses your pores, but it also moisturizes and brightens your skin too. As a bonus, toner also deeply hydrates your skin and, if you happen to have naturally oily skin, it can help to keep your sebum in balance.
Although there are plenty of toners on the market (witch hazel is a really good economical option, by the way), don’t sleep on going the DIY route when it comes to this skin treatment. Why? Because when you can control the ingredients that are in your toner, you can feel confident about what you’re applying directly to your skin. Hello Glow is one site that offers almost 20 different recipes. You can check them all out here.
6. Treat Pimples with Manuka Honey
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I’ve actually been knowing about the benefits of manuka honey for a hot minute now (check out “Manuka Honey Is The Ultimate Beauty Find”). If you’re curious about what makes it so different from regular honey, the main standout is it contains a significantly higher amount of antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties. Health-wise, that means it can strengthen your immunity, soothe a stubborn cough, and even help to prevent tooth decay.
As far as your skin goes, it’s the kind of honey that reduces the appearance of pimples (by killing the bacteria in them and reducing the inflammation of infected pores) and it can give your skin a boost in moisture if you choose to wash with it.
7. Use a Vitamin C Serum
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As far as beauty trends go, something that isn’t going away, any time soon, is vitamin C serum. Good thing too because there are tons of ways that it benefits the skin. Now that we’ll (hopefully) be seeing the sun more often as well as feeling its effects, vitamin C comes in handy because it can help to protect your skin from the potential damage of UV rays. Plus, it has the ability to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, boost the production of collagen, even your skin tone, brighten its complexion, and reduce hyperpigmentation.
Since there are a myriad of different serums to choose from, the cheat code is to look for the kind that has a concentration of around 15 percent and is in dark-colored packaging (it’ll last longer that way). If you’d like some additional help on selecting a vitamin C serum that’s best for our skin (Black skin), YouTuber April Basi is a Black female chemist who’s got some solid intel. You can check out one of her videos on the topic here.
8. Consume “Skin-Friendly” Foods
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It would be pretty ludicrous to write an article about how to create flawless skin and not address things like diet. After all, it’s been long documented that white foods (like white bread, white rice, and white pasta), sugar, dairy, soda, and fried foods (for starters) can cause all kinds of chaos to your skin if they aren’t consumed with extreme moderation. So, what foods are actually good for your skin?
Citrus fruit (they’re high in vitamin C); oatmeal (it’s full of nutrients like zinc and magnesium); berries (they stimulate collagen production); broccoli (it’s filled with antioxidants); salmon (it’s got an abundance of fatty acids); sunflowers (they’re rich in vitamin E), and sweet potatoes (they’ve got lots of vitamin A and beta-carotene).
9. Learn More About Photosensitivity
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Okay, so this just might be your “something new” for the day. Although photosensitivity might sound like it’s a complex topic, at the end of the day, when it comes to your skin, there are simply certain ingredients that could make it more vulnerable to the sun and the damage that it can do (like premature fine lines and wrinkles). Ingredients like what? Well, retinol, glycolic acid, and salicylic acid, for starters.
So, what if you rely on those to keep your skin clear? No worries. Simply make it a point to apply those things at night instead of in the day. That way, you can still take advantage of their benefits without making your skin super susceptible to the potential of sun-related drama.
10. Apply Avocado Oil at Night
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One more. An oil that I’ve grown to like to cook withand apply to my skin is avocado oil. As far as my skin goes, it’s got a lot of fatty acids in it, along with vitamins A, D, and E, potassium, and oleic acid (which helps with collagen production). Avocado oil is also a great skin moisturizer (without being uber greasy), can help to relieve dandruff and dry nail cuticles, reduces the inflammation that’s associated with breakouts, and can slow down the signs of aging too.
Listen, you’re gonna be in bed for 6-8 hours every night, right? Before turning in, pamper your skin with a little oil, so that it will look that much more beautiful come morning — as you welcome yet another (almost) springtime day!
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Chile, the way that I am writing this article with a particular married couple in mind. I say that because, although they claim it doesn’t bother them that they don’t sleep together these days, I know that can’t be the case. Why am I so certain?
Because although this culture of ours is constantly trying to “dumb down” the importance of intimacy outside of sex, as far as marriage is concerned, I know for a fact that not only sleeping with your partner but going to bed with them at the same time does wonders for things like reducing stress and anxiety, boosting self-esteem levels, making you feel closer to them as well as ultimately helping you both to communicate more effectively as well. And that’s why, whatever I can do to get more couples to stay in bed together all throughout the night (instead of spending countless hours of bedtime quality time apart), that’s exactly what I am going to do.
Today’s suggestion: the Scandinavian sleep method. Although it might initially sound a bit odd, if you’re someone who finds yourself irritated beyond belief when it comes to trying to sleep soundly with your partner every evening, it could be the answer that you’ve been looking for…all this time.
Sleeping Together. For Some, It’s Hella Complicated.
GiphyNow, I guess we’ll have to get into it at another time, the fact that I find it so interesting that when folks are dating, they can figure out how to spoon all night long, and yet when people get married, “all of a sudden,” it’s a problem (kinda like how folks can stay in the mood for sex months at a time while dating and then go months without it in marriage…hmm). And just how much of a problem is it? From what I’ve read, reportedly, 25 percent of couples who are in long-term relationships either sleep in a different bedroom (which is oftentimes referred to as being a “sleep divorce”) or they do it like television shows did back in the day and sleep in two different beds that are in the same room.
Are there any “benefits” to doing this? I mean, some people say that they are able to sleep more soundly, especially if their partner is a snorer. Others say that they like it because they can get more quality time to themselves that way. And while I get both of those points in theory, being that couples only spend 2-2.5 hours together a day max, oftentimes bedtime is the only time when they can truly connect — and that’s why I am not a fan of sleep divorces myself.
Not to mention the fact that not sharing a bed with your partner can low-key create feelings of abandonment and cause one or both of you to “wall up” because you’re not getting the skin-to-skin experience that’s not only good when it comes to feeling closer to your partner (thanks to the oxytocin boost that it creates) but your overall health and well-being too.
In fact, there is a bit of irony that when you cuddle with your partner, it can help you sleep better in the long run. And since sleep deprivation is tied to things like memory problems, erratic moods, concentration issues, high blood pressure, and even a shortened lifespan — wouldn’t you want to do what you can to sleep with your partner as much as possible if you could?
In walks what has proven to be a good solution for some…
The Scandinavian Sleep Method COULD Be a Cool Compromise
You know what they say: successful relationships are all about compromise, and when it comes to sharing a bed with your partner, that’s where the Scandinavian sleep method comes in. As you see, it’s basically when you sleep in the same bed with your partner, only you use different blankets or comforters to wrap yourselves up in so that you don’t have to fight over bedding (even if it’s in your sleep) all night long nor do you have to tussle over wanting different levels of warmth.
So, basically, what you’re getting is a “co-sleeping method for adults” because you can cuddle and still customize your bedding to your liking (think of it like camping with your boo thang in your own bed instead of a tent).
And here’s the thing: not only does the Scandinavian sleep method make it possible for you to spend (more) quality time with your partner, but it’s also more economical than purchasing two beds. Plus, it lowers the risk of you going from a sleep divorce to possibly even more of a disconnect by not being in the same room with one another. Sounds pretty darn good to me.
Now, does that mean there aren’t any downsides to taking this approach? C’mon, nothing is perfect. For starters, you’ll have to get a little creative if you want to get extra close while cuddling (because, well, two types of bedding are involved). Not only that, but making the bed in the morning could be a slightly hellacious experience (because, again, two types of bedding are involved). Still, if it could keep you and yours in the same room, isn’t it at least worth giving it a shot? I would think so.
Oh, and while we’re on the topic of sleeping bliss for long-term couples, I wanted to share a few other things that may help, too.
5 Tips for Making Sleeping Together Easier
Giphy1. Set the thermostat to the mid-60s. For most of us, it’s easier to warm up than cool down. So, if the two of you can’t seem to decide on what temperature to keep the room, opt for around 65 degrees and then customize your bedding via the Scandinavian sleep method that we just discussed. Not only will that make it easier to remain comfortable throughout the night (because our body temp tends to shift from night to morning), but as a bonus, it can keep your electricity bill down as well.
2. Get an anti-snoring pillow. If you happen to sleep with a loud snorer (or you are one), invest in an anti-snoring pillow. They are designed to comfortably elevate a snorer’s head and neck to where they are able to breathe quieter and sleep more soundly.
3. Spoon with your partner. As far as cuddling positions go, spooning is super comfortable and intimate. As a bonus, it can get a snorer to sleep on their side, which is one more way to get them to snore less.
4. Try some ASMR nature sounds. Although falling asleep has never really been much of an issue for me, I must admit that my quality of rest has improved, significantly so, ever since I’ve turned on rain sounds at night. From what I’ve read and researched, nature sounds are great for sleeping, in part, because they decrease the natural fight-or-flight tendencies that we all have. As a result, you can relax more easily. Plus, if you or your partner are a “noisy sleeper,” the ASMR will help to drown a lot of that out. YouTube has many videos that go for eight hours or more. Go to the site and put your favorite nature sound in the search field for options.
5. Try an eye mask and/or some earplugs. So, what if the main issue that you’re having with your partner is they get out of bed before you, and that disrupts the extra time that you’re looking to get? An eye mask will keep everything pitch black around you and some ear plugs will make it more challenging to hear any noise or movements around you. You can check out some of the best earplugs for sleeping here.
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Do I know some couples who have made things work via a sleep divorce? Eh. A couple of them. However, even they will admit that they’re willing to give the Scandinavian sleep method a shot. Because if the main time that you can get time in with your partner is at night — shouldn’t you want to do just that? Yeah. My sentiments exactly, sis.
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Even though, once Valentine’s Day is over, folk pretty much act like the winter season has ended too, technically, wintertime is over on March 19 (this year), which means that we’ve (potentially) got a few weeks of bitter cold temps to deal with — and that means you still need to be hypervigilant when it comes to doing what it takes to keep your skin from drying out due to things like freezing weather, brisk winds and the super dry heat of HVAC units. One way to do that is to invest in some mushroom skincare.
Honestly, you’d have to be living under a rock to not have at least heard mushrooms come up as far as skin maintenance is concerned. I say that because it really is one of the hottest things going right now. If you’re curious about why, take a few moments to read the rest of this article. It might just convince you to add a few mushroom-infused products to your skincare routine…not just for the rest of the winter but well into spring as well.
Why Is Mushroom Skincare Such a Big Trend Right Now?
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I’ll be honest: beyond the fact that I find mushrooms to be a great meat alternative (check out “10 Foods That Make Eating Less Meat...Easier”) and also knowing that since I have a fungus sensitivity, I need to consume them in moderation (because mushrooms are a type of fungus), I don’t really give mushrooms much thought. I did when it came to penning this piece, though, because even I was curious about why I’m hearing about mushrooms everywhere I turn.
For starters, since mushrooms, in general, are a good source of vitamin D, are great for your immunity, and they contain antioxidants that help to prevent cell damage — that’s already reason enough for it to be used in skincare, wouldn’t you say? Not to mention that they also have zinc, vitamin B, and potassium in them.
Then there’s the fact that many of the mushrooms that are used in some of the popular skincare brands also have minerals and prebiotics in them that are really good at maintaining the quality and texture of your skin. If you add to that, they are good for the environment because mushrooms are plentiful, vegan, and cruelty-free to use — it’s a win all the way around for mushroom (and mushroom-infused) skincare products. Hands down.
5 Proven Things That Make Mushroom Skincare So Effective
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If you’re teetering on considering purchasing at least one mushroom-related skincare item yet you’d still like some concrete ways that it can take your skin from good to great, I think I can knock out five of ‘em for you.
1. Mushrooms have veratric acid in them. Specifically, cauliflower mushrooms are abundant in this molecule. This is good to know because it is full of antioxidants as well as anti-inflammatory properties that are able to lower stress levels in the skin, soften the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, and even reduce the amount of DNA damage that has been done to your skin over time.
2. Many mushrooms also have kojic acid and beta-glucans in them as well. Whether you’re looking for something that will speed up the healing process of acne or you want to clear up the hyperpigmentation that blemishes can sometimes leave behind, kojic acid (that is found in shiitake mushrooms, for example) can make that happen for you. On the other hand, if you want to create a moisture barrier for your skin, beta-glucans (that are in a variety of different mushrooms) have that covered; good to know if you’re someone who spends quite a bit of time in the crisp winter air.
3. Mushroom polysaccharides are the holy grail when it comes to skin hydration. If dry skin is what you’re trying to stay on top of, especially during this time of the year, that’s just one more reason to cop a few mushroom-related skin products. Some studies reveal that the polysaccharides (which is actually a type of carbohydrate) in them is able to retain more moisture than even hyaluronic acid — and boy, is that saying something!
4. Mushrooms also contain adaptogenic properties. Remember how I mentioned a second ago that veratric acid can help alleviate some of the stress that’s in your skin? The adaptogenic properties that are in mushrooms can do something similar. This is good to know because the less resistant your skin is to stress, the less you have to worry about things like breakouts, wrinkles, and increased skin inflammation (and yes, wintertime can cause quite a bit of skin inflammation if you’re not careful).
5. Mushrooms can help to prevent dark spots and age spots. Now, y’all already know that we’ve got big love for melanin over here. However, sometimes, the overproduction of it can lead to dark spots and age spots that you may not want. This is another way that mushrooms can come in handy because they actually contain melanin-inhibiting compounds that can make those spots something that you can prevent without relying on harsh chemicals and other not-so-natural ingredients.
If all of this intel finally has you convinced about giving some mushroom skincare products a try, yet you’re not sure where to begin as far as what kind to use, Women’s Health published an article entitled, “15 Mushroom-Infused Skincare Products That Will Turn Back The Clock, According To Dermatologists.” Shroomer published “12 of the Best Mushroom Products for Every Skincare Concern;” it’s worth looking into, too.
Are There Any Downsides to Mushroom Skincare?
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Now that you’ve heard me sing all of the praises of mushroom (and mushroom-infused) skincare, you might be curious if it has any downsides or “cons” to it. Good question. Overall, the answer is “no.” The only real exception is if you already have a mushroom or fungus sensitivity. However, just to be on the safe side, it can never hurt to do a small skin test before totally going ham. If, after 72 hours, you don’t notice any skin irritation, you should be good to go.
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Welp. There you have it. Something that can give your skin some extra hydration and glow during the last leg of winter. Shoot, you might end up liking it so much that you’ll use it during the milder side of the spring season, too. Enjoy!
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