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Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships
It never fails. Even though I’ve been writing on relationships for well over two decades at this point and have been counseling couples (especially married couples) for about 17 years now, at least once a week, someone will ask me what qualifies me to be an expert being that I’ve never been married before and I don’t have any children.
Well…when it’s church folks who try to come at me with their cynicism, I’m quick to remind them that out of the three biblical characters who spoke the most on marriage in the Bible — Moses, Christ, and Paul — only one of them was actually married when they did (Moses). Plus, humans don’t need other humans to qualify them for a particular purpose or calling in life; that’s God’s job.
Okay, but what do I say to all of the other people from other walks of life who seem to think that their similar line of questioning is somehow supposed to stump/trump me or something? That’s a really great question, especially since it’s been widely reported that by the year 2030, 45 percent of women will be single and childless in this country. That’s a lot of single voices out here. That’s why I thought it might be helpful to share some food for thought for other single women who may have folks who try and challenge them in this department too.
If you happen to be a single woman and a part of you is either hesitant to speak up whenever the topic of relationships comes up, or you’re not sure what to say when you see (or read) social media posts that say, for example, “If you’re not married, you don’t need to be talking about marriage” — here are a few things that can definitely checkmate some of the skeptics who are in your wake.
Never Forget What Singleness Means
Back in 2019, two articles that I wrote for the platform are “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single.” There are two (main) reasons why I did so — one is because I think it’s always important to remember that each relational status has some major benefits to it, and two, chile, if you only knew the number of married folks who tell me that they wish they had embraced and hell, even respected their singleness prior to saying “I do”…it’s more people than not at this point.
Indeed, although marriage is a beautiful thing, in life, it is not the ONLY thing. Not only that, but the daily sacrifices that must be made in order to keep a marriage thriving? Those are things that single people never have to worry about. And listen, if marriage was the “end all to be all” for this world, the Most High could’ve come up with a way for us to get married sooner than most of us do (or even should).
Singleness isn’t a deficit or even a consolation prize. For starters, just look at some of the words that are used to define it (definitions) along with others that are directly associated with it (synonyms): distinct from other things, unique, original, special, exclusive, exceptional, peerless, rare, undivided, unrivaled, uncompounded and unusual.
Hmph. I don’t know about y’all, but personally, I would have no problem with people who are defined that way speaking into my life. Just saying. #Elmoshrug
Have You Checked Out the Divorce Stats Lately?
Our culture can be weird as hell sometimes. Like, why is it that so many people want to low-key shame singles out of offering up insights, perspectives, and even pearls of wisdom on relationships, yet divorced people aren't challenged in the same way? Because while single folks may have never been married before (I count “single” the way the IRS does: single until married, and technically, divorced people are classified as being “divorced” because, again, Uncle Sam), divorced means that two people were, for whatever the reason, unsuccessful at making their marriage work — so that sounds like they aren’t exactly experts either.
And being that the divorce rate for first-time marriages is still about half (although some studies say that it’s between 40-50 percent these days) and the rate for second and third are significantly higher — I never got why being divorced vs. choosing to not get married so that there’s no way that you can end up divorced, seems to earn more credibility. Who came up with that? Divorced folks?
It actually reminds me of a divorced aunt who tried to be slick and say to me several years ago, “How are you out here getting paid to talk about marriage when you’ve never experienced it before?” I mean, we share the same DNA, so I don’t know why she thought I wasn’t gonna “return the serve”: “I would prefer to never be married than be a divorce statistic. You’re one…right?”
Listen, when it comes to divorce, sometimes ya live, and ya learn and I have had many conversations with people who happen to fit into that demographic and have had some profound words to share, no question. Yet when it comes to actually believing that divorced people have more credibility, there are two things to keep in mind.
One, as someone who has been working with married and divorced people for almost two decades now, you’d be amazed how many individuals from both demographics say that they took a lot for granted while they were single. Not only that, but they wish that they had paid more attention to what their gut warned them about before becoming a husband or wife. In other words, many have said that they had a lot of relational insight when they were single…they just ignored it.
And two, if I were to compare singles to divorced folks, I would use studying a test vs. taking a test to further illustrate my point. Don’t assume that just because someone has never taken a test before that they have not studied, sometimes ad nauseam, the content that’s on it. And, at the same time, sometimes the ones who already have — taken the test, that is — and were unsuccessful at passing, they ended up in that situation because they didn’t prepare as much as they should’ve.
Because, let us not forget (or ignore), that the ultimate goal when it comes to being in a relationship is not just “being in one” — all of us can do that. No, the key is to be in a healthy relational dynamic. People who are learning, striving, and respecting what it takes to be in those? That’s who we should be taking heed from.
This brings me to my next point.
Wisdom, Knowledge and Discernment Do Not Relationally Discriminate
An artist and author by the name of Tamara Kulish once said something that I rock with wholeheartedly: “Everyone is my teacher. Some I seek. Some I subconsciously attract. Often, I learn simply by observing others. Some may be completely unaware that I’m learning from them, yet I bow deeply in gratitude.” I like this because it amplifies the fact that when you are truly serious about and committed to becoming the best version of yourself, you appreciate wisdom and knowledge in any form that it comes.
That said, there are countless married and even boo’d up couples who tell me that I continue to offer up ways of looking at relationships that they have never considered before, even though they are in a relationship, and a huge part of the reason is that I study the topic. I am literally a student of marriage (no joke). The number of books that are in my possession, articles, podcasts, and links that I have bookmarked, Scriptures that I have analyzed — you have no idea. Plus, being single, even if/when you go by my definition, which again is “never been married before,” doesn’t mean that you don’t know about relationships at all.
I’ll give you another comparison: back when I was in these streets, as far as sex goes, you have no idea how much foresight, intelligence, and basic common sense I received from virgins — that’s because, just because they never had sex before, that didn’t mean they didn’t know a thing or two about self-worth, avoiding temptation and waiting for what was right instead of settling for what was around. I would’ve been an idiot to write them off on some, “Girl, if you’ve never had sex before, you can’t talk to me about sex.” They might not know how to fully address the actual act (I frame it that way because many virgins are that on a technicality; they’ve done something before), yet they can definitely help me to think about some things that will help me to make wiser sexual decisions.
Single people are no different when it comes to marriage (or serious long-term relationships) — believe you me, you get a hold of the right single folks, and they can give you plenty to think about as they offer up a myriad of seeds to give you some “ah-ha moments” that can do you some real good. It reminds me of something that my mother used to say: “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher.” Some of the wisest people in their world are ones who don’t believe that they have to go through something in order to be insightful about it.
Case in point. As a doula, sometimes when I’m being interviewed, and I give advice on some parenting-related matters, a person will say, “How do you know all of this if you’ve never had a child before?” More times than not, my immediate response is, “I’ve never been a mom. Oh, but I’ve been a child. You’d be amazed how much I remember about that time in my life.” (Plus, I used to be a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit). And honestly, sometimes that’s what I tell people about being a marriage life coach too. Chile, your mind would be blown to sit at the feet of child/adult child survivors of their parents’ divorce…but that’s another topic for another time.
The point that I’m trying to make with this particular point is wisdom is about applying knowledge with mature judgment; knowledge is about obtaining facts, truth, and principles through various forms of study and investigation, and discernment, by definition, is about judging matters, wisely, with a heightened level of understanding.
Now, based on the meanings of these three words…sounds to me like anyone who says that a single person can’t enter the relationship discourse with their own level of wisdom, knowledge, and discernment is pretty ignorant of what those words actually mean. Therefore, they should probably start there. #Elmoshrug
You Are a Voice in This World
Somebody really needs to give actor and singer (because she really can sing her ass off) Tisha Campbell her flowers because she really has been a part of some of the most classic moments in Black culture — including the time when she had a guest role in, what continues to be one of the most iconic television sitcoms of all time: A Different World. The real ones will remember when she played a young woman by the name of Josie who had HIV. During a particular scene where she shared her story, her professor (Whoopi Goldberg) said to her, “You are a voice in this world.”
Now imagine how ridiculous someone would sound to say that Josie doesn’t need to speak about relationships because she chose not to date because of her condition. Josie had a TON of insight because she saw life from a perspective that a lot of people didn’t have — and if they respected that, what she offered up was priceless. Yes, she was a voice in this world. And a powerful one at that…so much so that I still remember that episode to this day and (lawd) that was 32 freakin’ years ago.
Even with as much daily and consistent work as I do in the realm of marriage, of course, I would be quite arrogant and presumptuous to think that some things do not come via experience; that as I am sharing wisdom and knowledge on the topic with various married people, they are teaching me as well, just by being a husband or a wife. And divorced folks, at the very least, they can speak on what not to do. At the same time, though, no one is capable of silencing my own voice just because of my chosen relational status.
If anything, the ones who aren’t parroting what they hear others say, they have applauded me for taking what I have learned seriously enough to treat marriage as sacred enough to wait until it's right…for me. That move alone has caused them to honor the voice that I have…in this world.
So single ladies, don’t worry about the haters. Humble people who want to grow get that this world is a school and everyone is a teacher in it. Houseless people (what I call “homeless” ones) can give insights on finances. Substance abusers can give insight into sobriety. Atheists can give insight into religion. People without kids can give insight into parenting. Women can give insight into men. Men can give insight into women.
And yes, single people can give insight into marriage and relationships.
You are a voice in this world.
With the help of wisdom, knowledge, and keen discernment, make sure that you do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
Photo courtesy
When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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