Some of us are guilty of holding onto love with someone we don't see it with just to have proof that it's there. Some of us are guilty of avoiding a perfectly good love because the timing isn't right and other worldly distractions that come along and interfere. And most of us have absolutely no idea what we're doing when it comes to love so we stay away, stay too long, ask the wrong questions, ask nothing at all, in hopes that an attempt it as promising as actual work. But nothing replaces actual work, my dear.
Let's face it, fear holds a lot of us back. And when it comes to our love lives, it's no different. Fear is the reason a relationship lasts well past its expiration date, fear is the reason you don't put yourself out there, fear is the reason why you don't give that nice boy from the coffee shop a chance to take you out.
Fear is urgent like a mothaf-----. But only because it begs, screams, and demand that you feed into its negativity versus setting yourself free to be open to love.
One truth that puts everything in perspective is that, in love, there are only two options of how a story will end. You will either get your happily ever after with this man, a ring, a house, 2.5 kids, and a family dog. Or, you will find that he is a dog, get your happily never after, send that man on his walking papers, and learn to love yourself alone, until your other love story comes along to show you your happily ever after. Either way, you eventually get that fairytale ending. You just have to be open, honest, and unafraid.
Along with this truth, this article seeks to focus around seven others that will hopefully help you navigate the sometimes murky and turbulent waters of love, dating, and marriage:
You can't date the potential you see in someone, then get mad when they don't live up to the person you thought they should be.
I used to be committed to people who were committed to remaining the same, but I still thought they would change for me. Although people can change and grow into their potential, it's not based on our timelines. We can't force them to change. People will only live up to the potential you see in them if they, too, believe that's who they are supposed to be. So, you can accept them as they are and love them unconditionally, continue waiting to see if they will change, or be honest about who they are and discontinue the fantasy version of the relationship.
Stop playing the role of a sidepiece, while praying you get the role as a wife or a husband.
Like they say, prepare for the position you want. For example, if I was auditioning for the role of the lead character, I wouldn't show up dressed like and ready to audition for the supporting character. There are a lot of people praying to be a wife (or a husband), but they're acting like sidepieces. They want a good relationship but sow bad seeds. As with anything – relationships, careers, dreams, etc. – make sure your actions are aligned with your prayers, morals, and values. In other words, can you see God in your #RelationshipGoals? If your relationship goals include someone else's spouse or lover, then it's time to re-evaluate them.
Never invest more into the wedding than you would for the actual marriage.
Some of us invest in the wedding – time, money, and resources - but we neglect to invest that much more into the actual marriage. The wedding only lasts for a day, but the marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. If you're not ready to put in the work, then you're not ready to put a ring on it. If you're not ready to walk through and weather the storms, you're not ready to walk down the aisle.
You can invest thousands and thousands of dollars into the wedding, but if you're not fully committed to the marriage, then don't expect a positive return on your investment.
No, our parents and grandparents may not have read certain marriage books, utilized marriage counseling, or attended marriage workshops/conferences, but today's a different day and every marriage is different. Some people have to work a little bit harder to overcome certain obstacles or to figure out this whole marriage thing. Besides, what's the harm in doing things to help make sure your love can withstand almost anything?
Just because they showed up for the wedding doesn't mean that they'll show up for your marriage.
Be cautious of the people you allow in and around your marriage. Everybody isn't cheering for you, so they may not be there for you when you need them. Unfortunately, some people are waiting to see everything fail. That's why it's important to surround yourself around positive and reliable people who: 1) are committed to supporting you and seeing your marriage work, 2) won't offer up “Girl, just leave him," as the first option when trouble comes your way, and 3) won't tell all of your business and spread gossip about you in the streets.
Everyone brings a set of individual issues to a relationship.
I recently heard this at a relationship conference that, “You don't have marital issues; you have unresolved single issues. In order to have marital wealth, you need emotional health." Marriage has a way of revealing personal issues you didn't realize were there. That's why it's important to constantly engage in helpful and healing activities that will help you grow spiritually, physically, and mentally, especially when it comes to mental health. We are constantly growing, but the day you start thinking your relationship or marriage is perfect, is the day you tell God you don't need Him.
"In order to have marital wealth, you need emotional health. "
Don't talk to social media about your issues instead of talking to your spouse.
Because everybody doesn't need to know everything. Even though you may think you're being discreet by posting subliminal messages, it doesn't take a genius to know if and when you're having marital problems. Often times, it's those types of posts that will cause you to crack open the door and make it easy for temptation, or mess, creep into your situation; all because someone on the outside looking in thinks they can fulfill a need they assume isn't being met. Besides, there is enough negativity in the world, so the last thing people want to hear about every single day is how fed up you are with your relationship.
Don't let anyone cheer louder for your spouse than you.
Married or not, I refuse to let someone else encourage or cheer for my man more than me. Nope! That's my job, and I take it seriously. I go hard for my man and he goes hard for me. Trust, the thirst is real, and there's always someone ready and willing to step in and take your place. For some women, it's the compliments, hearing “I'm proud of you," or “I appreciate you". For men, it's in the respect we show them, or the things we say and do to stroke their ego, because trust me – men need to have their egos stroked, some more than others. Considering the everyday hurdles of life, it's always nice to know the person you love the most is the person cheering the loudest.
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Being a bridesmaid. In some ways, I don’t know if there’s a tighter line to walk than being happy for a friend who has found her bae for life while you’re trying to figure out if and when your own time will come.
Well, since June, September and October (which are all steadily on their way) continue to be the most popular months for jumping the broom — if you are a lot like Corina (Javicia’s character in the movie) and you’re wondering if you’re gonna be purchasing bridesmaids dresses for others without a wedding gown for yourself for the rest of your life, here are a few things that I certainly hope you will keep in mind — things that I hope will cause you to see being a bridesmaid in the best light possible.
1. Bridesmaids Are “Marriage Cheerleaders.” That’s a Dope Thing.
GiphyIf you’re in a relationship that looks like it’s headed towards marriage, please check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry.'” As a marriage life coach, a marriage registry is actually something that I recommend engaged couples to have because it’s all about cultivating a support team for various areas of your marriage — and y’all, that’s basically what bridesmaids are. They’re not just a group of women who look cute in a dress at a wedding; they are individuals who have agreed to stand by a bride’s side as she shifts into becoming a wife.
Hmph. Don’t get me started on why, when it comes to selecting bridesmaids, it really shouldn’t be about your history with them so much as the relationship that they have with you and your soon-to-be husband in the present because, if they can’t have your marriage’s back, they really should be in the audience (if they are there at all).
For now, in order to stay on topic, I’ll just say that the best way to look at the role of a bridesmaid is to compare them to a cheerleader. Cheerleaders are individuals who are there to encourage teams in an enthusiastic and optimistic kind of way. And honestly, when someone you care about asks you to serve in this capacity on their wedding day, it’s an honor because they trust that you are happy for them, that you are in agreement with their decision and that you will keep them inspired and motivated well beyond the day that they say, “I do.”
And people who are in this type of head and heart space for someone else? How could good karma not come their way? Because when you know how to be thrilled for other people’s blessings, the universe finds a way of rewarding you for your selflessness.
Let’s keep going.
2. Weddings Ain’t Marriages. Marriages Ain’t Weddings. A Bride and Wife Are Not (Exactly) the Same.
GiphyHow many times have I said, somewhere, that while big expensive weddings ain’t personally my thing, if that’s what folks want to do, I certainly ain’t gonna knock it because, once the wedding day is over, that’s when the real work — which I prefer to see as maintenance (check out “Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.”) — truly begins. Sadly, when it comes to this, some folks don’t have a clue.
Whew, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a woman that a bride is a bride for a day — a wife, though? That’s a whole ‘nother set of responsibilities entirely (which I will elaborate on in just a sec).
My point here? If you’re someone who has a collection of bridesmaid dresses in your closet and the question, “When is it going to be my turn?” is getting louder and louder in your head with every ceremony that you participate in — remember that what you are witnessing is an elaborate party that deserves to be a little over the top. After all, it’s a celebration of the decision that two people made to spend the rest of their lives together.
At the same time, though, never forget that the wedding day itself only lasts for a few hours and, once the festivities are over and they come back from their honeymoon, real life sets in. This means that what you need to really ask yourself is 1) are you caught up in the hype of the wedding, and 2) have you really thought about what is required to make a marriage work — and last. Because chile, although (and thankfully) most of the wives in my space do not regret getting married (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”), what easily 80 percent of them have told me is that they seriously underestimated what the day-to-day of marriage entails.
To further drive this point home, I actually asked five wives to share with me what they think is the difference between being a bride and being a wife.
Wife #1:“It’s selfish to think that your wedding day should be all about you and not your groom — but let’s be real: guys don’t really care about that stuff, and so a lot of the focus is on you, as the bride. If you think that’s what marriage is about, it can make you entitled and selfish. Then, when it’s all over and it’s time to be a wife, you will think that you still should be served all of the time without doing much work. You have to do daily work — every day of your life.”
Wife #2:“If I could do it over, I would have cut back on the wedding planner and put more money into longer premarital counseling because two one-hour sessions ain’t gonna cut it. Brides are hyper-focused on one day without really thinking about what follows. You need some therapy to get your mind right, because when I tell you that marriage will throw you all the way off if you’re not prepared? You have no idea.”
Wife #3:“I have single friends who say that they think they are missing out because they aren’t married. I love my husband and wouldn’t change a thing, but single people are crazy to think that there aren’t some perks to being single. Don’t let that big dress and diamond fool you. If you’re a good wife, you’ve earned them and you will have days and nights when you miss not being single anymore.”
Wife #4:“Being a bride is a fantasy. Being a wife is reality. I don’t have a better way to put it because who dresses up, gets gifts, and dances every single day? As a wife, what you do do every day is compromise, negotiate, and get challenged to become a better person. If you’re not ready for that, keep hanging out on rooftop bars with your single friends. I’m dead serious.”
Wife #5:“A bride is someone who lets the world know that she wants to be a wife. A wife is someone who puts that intent into action. The thing about a bride is she’s that for one day, but a wife has to keep showing up every day of her life for the rest of her life. It’s rewarding, but it takes more out of you than people think. People who envy wedding days usually want the attention, not the commitment.”
This comes from people who have lived it. So yeah, if you’re someone who fantasizes of becoming a wife one day, make sure that you ask yourself if you’re merging bride and wife together without really thinking about the sacrifices that wives make — because, as you can see, there are many, chile.
3. Every Relational Status Has Pros…and Concessions
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard someone say that you shouldn’t get too invested in the relationship goals that you see on social media. The main reason why is because most IG posts show you the good times without also sharing the blood, sweat, and tears that were required to make those times possible. Hmph. Not to mention the fact that every single relational status has its own pros and extreme compromises — and when it comes to compromising, when you’re married, because two people are involved, that is definitely the case.
I mean, as a single person, just think about it — you can take a trip without running it by someone else; you can spend money without consulting another person; you can make both little and large decisions without seeing how someone else feels about it; you can move without worrying about how it will directly affect another individual; you don’t have to divide your personal time unless you absolutely want to; there aren’t people who you have to be around, simply to make another person happy, and you don’t have to “meet in the middle” when it comes to certain values, goals or even traditions.
Listen, back when I wrote articles like, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” I did it to remind as many people as I possibly can that as a marriage life coach, I will be the first to say that a healthy marriage is all kinds of awesome; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that being single ain’t super bomb too.
It’s all in how you choose to look at things. How are you?
4. Envy Is Love’s Enemy (Across the Board)
GiphyAlthough there’s no solid data on the percentage of bridesmaids who are jealous or envious of the bride on her big day, trust and believe that there is plenty of content out in cyberspace that addresses it. One forum that I checked out talked about a bride who had to deal with a bridesmaid who told her that she was jealous about not being selected to be the maid of honor.
An article featured the story of three friends (who honestly seemed low-key toxic prior to the wedding) who refused to be happy for the bride during her four-day wedding event. Another forum talked about a sister who was so consumed with wanting to be engaged that she was flippantly dismissive about her sister’s upcoming nuptials.
Ugh. Ugh to all of this because, although it’s understandable that you may want something that someone else has (we all do sometimes, if we’re gonna be completely real about it), one of the ugliest things about jealousy (the fear of losing what you have) and envy (being caught up in what someone else has) is they cause you to put all of the focus on you…even when it is completely the wrong place and wrong time to do so.
Since a single person doesn’t have a husband, what I am going to focus on (most) for this point is envy; especially since even the Good Book tells us that love doesn’t do that (I Corinthians 13:4).
Symptoms of being an envious person?
- You either don’t know how to or refuse to celebrate others
- You’re hypercritical of other people’s choices or decisions
- You spread false information in order to cause discord or confusion about other folks
- You give disingenuous or backhanded compliments
- You try to downplay the goodness and success of other people
All of this is pretty ugly, right? Hmph, no wonder the Bible says that envy can’t be present wherever love is. All of this actually reminds me of a quote that says something along the lines of “Envy is counting someone else’s blessings more than your own.” It also reminds me of a 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17) which tells us not to covet, which not only means “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others,” it also means “to wish for, especially eagerly.”
What’s a trip about coveting is that while it can mean that you want someone else’s groom (please don’t), it can also mean that you are so eager that you end up making reckless decisions, all because you envy what someone else has, in general. Listen, I’ve had a wife say to me before that the loneliest night in bed as a single woman beats a bad marriage any day. Again, as someone who has worked with married couples for well over 20 years at this point, I couldn’t agree more.
Don’t envy. It gets you absolutely nowhere…good.
5. Everyone’s Love Story Is Unique. Do Not Compare.
GiphyThere’s a Black-owned T-shirt and sweatshirt company called Lake + Prosper that features two tees that I think amplify my final point exquisitely well. One says, “My goal is to outdo me, not y’all,” and the other says, “own lane. own race. own pace.” At the end of the day, what both of these remind us all to do is not compare ourselves to others — this includes when it comes to our love story.
See, what else you’ve also got to keep in mind is when it comes to each person’s romantic relationship journey, there are SO MANY FACTORS that come into play — including timing. And timing is something that you really don’t have any control over (other than making sure that you do what you know needs to be done). And that’s why comparing the brides whose weddings you’ve been in to your own situation is, well, it reminds me of a quote on comparing by Iyanla Vanzant that I like a lot: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
She ain’t lyin’ either because many mental health experts are quick to say that comparing yourself to other people is not only counterproductive but basically futile because it evokes negativity, causes you to feel inadequate, can make you want to beat yourself up, triggers feelings of resentment and it can make you put unrealistic pressure and expectations on yourself.
And gee—how is that good for your relationship with your soon-to-be married friends, how does that improve your relationship with your own self and also, how does that prepare you for the relationship that you will have with the love of your life…when everything that is necessary aligns and says that the time is right? IT. DOESN’T.
In an article that I once read on comparing, the author said something that is oh so very right: “By comparing ourselves to others we’re negating our own road and demanding that the past be different than what it was. The demands we place on ourselves to be like those we’re comparing ourselves may sometimes be motivations for change, however they are more likely to lead to feelings of diminished self-worth.”
Bottom line, as tempting as it may be sometimes, comparing works against you, not for you. Choose to celebrate, not compare.
____
Listen, being sick and tired of always being on the side of the bride instead of being beside your own groom can be human sometimes. I won’t take that away from you. Just make sure that you choose to keep certain facts in perspective: that just because it’s not your turn, that doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming; that negative feelings keep you further from what you desire, and that every person you care about who gets married before you deserves all of the love, encouragement and joy from you that they should reciprocate when your time comes. Stay positive. It’s good karma.
That said, instead of hating the thought of wearing another bridesmaid dress, determine to be fly as ever.
It’s one day closer to what you ultimately desire for yourself.
And a reminder that it can happen.
When and how it should.
Amen? Amen.
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