What does it take to maintain a long-term marriage? Will Smith has the answer!
According to the actor, most people have a warped perception that falling in love and maintaining the type of love that he and Jada have, is much easier when you have money, but it could actually make things more difficult. Last month, I attended a discussion panel between Will Smith and Sister Souljah in Philly and I learned a lot about what it takes to maintain a long-term relationship as Will detailed the obstacles in the couple's 17-year relationship, as well as the insecurities that he had to overcome in order to love his wife unconditionally. During the panel, he also made the revelation that when a person decides that they want to be married, they have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of themselves and that overall, Jada has pushed him to become a better man.
Here are a few highlights:
"I think a lot of people think that when you have money, that everything gets really easy, Hell Naw! Jada and I have been together for 17 years. If you look at it like a sports record, we are probably like 15 and 2. When we got started, we both truly connected on wanting to be better. That’s where it all started. There were other people that we were dating and other people that we were attracted to, but there was a commitment to constantly be better that was what we connected on. Our whole world and relationship was that, "Hey, I know that I may not be all of that today but what I’m not going to do is lay around and not keep working to be better to deserve you." I would say that concept is very central to having any success in this game of love at all. The central idea of love is not even a relationship commitment, the first thing is a personal commitment to be the best version of yourself with or without that person that you’re with. You have to every single day, mind, body, and spirit, wake up with a commitment to be better. Don’t make that same mistake tomorrow that you made today."
[easy-tweet tweet="Don’t make that same mistake tomorrow that you made today."]
On the people you spend the most time with
"When you look around at the six people that you spend the most time with, that’s who you are. I think that in making those decisions in who you are going to be married to, who your friends are going to be, those are really huge, critical, life decisions. Who gets to talk to you everyday, is almost like the food that you eat. It is a very huge critical situation to choose who the people are that you are spending your life with, spending your time with and who you are choosing to give your love and everything to."
On having freedom in marriage to grow
"The idea is that you are two people together, but in that process, the marriage cannot be a prison. There has to be a freedom that allows a person to grow. A person has to be allowed to make mistakes, and a person has to be allowed to become and grow without the threat of punishment. I think that in the concept of our marriages because of our own insecurities, we lay it out in a way like, "Hey, that’s a deal breaker." I hear people talk about the concept of the deal breakers and it’s really in conflict with loving somebody."
On checking your insecurities so that you are able to love someone unconditionally
"When I think about my relationship with Jada, when it comes to love, as soon as you put yourself in a love relationship, you’ve got to check your insecurities. When you love somebody, and you feel yourself slipping, you will fight, scratch, and claw, to not be in that uncomfortable space. You have traumas that happen with your mother and father, or an old girlfriend, or an old boyfriend, that you've got to address personally if you want to truly be able to love somebody. Our traumas keep us away from being able to truly love someone unconditionally. In this world, there are difficulties with just getting out of the bed everyday. Trying to love on top of that is excruciating. It is absolutely not something to be taken lightly or easy when you say you’re going to marry somebody, you have to be willing to go through hell. You have to be willing to collide with the weakest parts of yourself. You have to look at the things about you on a higher spiritual plane. You have to look at the things about you that are cowardly, that are angry or mean, resentful. You have to be able to look at those things about yourself that are not spiritually healthy parts. Love truly is when you change yourself for a better love with someone."
[easy-tweet tweet="Our traumas keep us away from being able to truly love someone unconditionally."]
On becoming a better person because of his marriage
"Jada has made me a better person than anyone on earth could have every done. There is nobody on Earth at this point that in my life and in my career with the successes and the things that I’ve done, there is nobody on Earth that I would still try to be better for. [...] Jada is a beast. Just her passion, power, and relentless unwillingness to let me lay down at night when I’ve only done 92 percent of what I was supposed to do that day, holds me to a higher standard."
Loved the honesty! What do you think it takes to make a marriage last?
Editor's Note: This blog was originally posted in March, 2013.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Keeping that in mind, to me, things like mani/pedis, facials, and body waxes absolutely do not qualify because, although they can be relaxing (well, maybe not the waxes but…), you still need them to look your best — and, from where I sit, I think that is a form of maintenance.
And so, when it comes to my own maintenance routine, if there is one thing that my waxer knows, it’s the fact that she is gonna see me, like clockwork, when it comes to my eyebrows and…down below. And by clockwork, I mean about every three weeks or so (more on why later on). And since that commitment isn’t the cheapest thing in the world, I have definitely done my due diligence by looking up ways that I can make my waxes last for as long as they possibly can.
If you’re also a faithful waxer, you’re on a budget and you’d like to know how to get at least a few more days out of your own wax appointments, here are 10 tips that are actually pretty effective.
10 Tips to Make Your Wax Last Longer
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1. The Wax Needs to Be High-Quality
If you’ve never really thought about the kind of wax that your waxer uses, now is as good of a time as any to check out Byrdie’s “The 7 Types of Waxes Used for Hair Removal, Explained by Estheticians” for some insight. Believe you me, I’ve learned the hard way that the type as well as quality of wax can make all of the difference in the world if you want your waxes to last longer. That’s why you shouldn’t feel the least bit uncomfortable with asking your waxer about the ingredients that go into their wax products along with the name of the brand so that you can look up reviews on your own (if you wish).
Another tip? Pay attention to the consistency of the wax as it’s being applied to your body. It should be smooth, creamy, and not super runny; if it is, that means that the wax has overheated and will not perform as well.
2. Use Oil-Free Products (Afterwards)
One pre-wax hack that I will forever sing from every rooftop is to make sure that you apply a thin coat of some type of carrier oil before heading off to your appointment; it makes removing the wax a lot more comfortable (for the record, my oil of choice is plum oil). However, after your appointment, it’s best to use oil-free products on your skin. The logic on this is oil can easily get trapped in your hair follicles and lead to ingrown hairs. And so, if you want your wax to last longer, less oil (on your waxed areas) is best.
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3. Moisturize the Area(s)
Okay, so before you go to your wax appointment, your skin needs to be well-hydrated. The main reason why is that, if it’s too dry, the wax may not grab hold of your hairs as well as it should and that could cause the hairs to break off which results in you not having as smooth of a wax as you would like. Now, the reason why you need to keep moisturizing your skin after your wax is because it will help to nourish your skin which reduces post-wax irritation.
Plus, it will keep your waxed spots looking and feeling nice and smooth for a much longer period of time. By the way, a water-based moisturizer is typically best.
4. Exfoliate Twice a Week
Something that I definitely had to learn the hard way is how critically important it is to exfoliate my skin in order to preserve my waxes. The method behind the madness here is that is what helps to prevent ingrown hairs in between your wax appointments; plus, exfoliating can also decrease your chances of having breakouts if that is something that you are prone to (especially when it comes to your bikini area).
If you’re wondering how “deep” you need to go with this tip, honestly, washing that area with some exfoliating gloves will do the trick (sometimes loofahs and body brushes are too harsh).
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5. Avoid Shaving in Between Sessions
Something tempting that I have to avoid when it comes to the hair on my body is not using my bomb Billie razor in-between visits. For one thing, if I’m in a rush and I’m not really paying attention, the way that I shave could lead to ingrown hairs. Not only that but since hair needs to be a certain length at the time of a wax appointment (more on that in just a moment), shaving a few days before a session could prove to be a waste of money if there isn’t enough hair for the waxer to grasp in the first place.
6. Try Some Cyperus Essential Oil
Something else that you might want to consider doing is mixing some curcuma aeruginosa oil with a carrier oil like grapeseed, coconut or jojoba and applying it to the parts of your body where you want to see less hair growth. The reason why is because curcuma (a component that is found in turmeric, by the way) has been proven to weaken hair roots and slow down hair growth over time when used consistently.
7. Make Sure You’ve Got Some “Length” Before Your Next Session
Aight, remember how I said a second ago that your hair needs to have some length on it before getting it waxed off? That’s because the wax needs something to actually “grab” to remove. So, how long should your hairs be? Somewhere between 1/8” and 1/4” is ideal. And just how long does that take? Eh, typically about a month to five weeks — although I go about every three weeks, especially since biotin has become a part of my life. Hair is growing faster which is a blessing when it comes to the hair on top of my head and annoying when it comes to the hair that is everywhere else. #ohwell
8. Don't DIY It
Even though I’m gonna forever be that gal who is looking for ways to keep some extra coins in my pocket, if there is one area where I will always make an exception, it’s when it comes to hair removal. Between knowing which wax is best, how to remove the most hair the quickest, and how to do it in the most painless way possible, the experts are gonna trump me every time.
Plus, going the DIY route could actually result in your skin getting irritated and you not losing as many hairs as you’d prefer. Although the cost of a wax appointment really does vary, for perspective, you should be able to get a good Brazilian wax for under 60 bucks (before the tip and please do tip). Is that cheap? No. Is it still worth it to leave things up to the professionals, though? Always.
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9. Consider Sugaring
It took the country shutting down for me to even consider the wax removal process known as sugaring, I must say. For me, what happened was, as we started to get out of lockdown, the place where I used to get waxed was still closed and so I decided to try a business that offered sugaring as an option out. Even though I’m back mostly with wax, I still think sugaring is a bomb option because 1) the ingredients are more natural (or should be; inquire about that beforehand); 2) to me, the hair removal process is less uncomfortable, and 3) if you sugar consistently, it will significantly reduce the area where you “sugar” over time.
In fact, there is a certain area where I get waxed that I have my waxer follow that spot up with a bit of sugaring too. My skin always feels softer whenever she does.
10. Stay Consistent
Even though sugaring probably weakens hair quicker, if you get regular waxing appointments, the same thing can happen. That’s one benefit of being consistent. Another is that seeing a professional waxer can help to reduce skin irritation, potential hyperpigmentation and, if you decide that you want to switch up certain spots (check out “Yep. Pubic Hair Has Trends (And Specific Needs) Too.”), they can do it while still keeping your skin in great condition.
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Now, if you do everything that I said, will it earn you another month’s worth of time? Probably not. Yet when I’ve been faithful and diligent, it has given me about a week more — which can mean all of the difference in the world between paydays, chile. So, why have you got to lose? Give these tips a shot. They are the wax hacks that just might change your (wallet’s) life!
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