OlanikeeOsi Is The Bold, Fearless & Totally Unapologetic CEO Of The SelfishBabe App
2020 marks the 20th anniversary of when I said, "Screw doing a regular 9-to-5. I'm gonna be a professional writer!" And although I've interviewed dozens times dozens of people at this point, almost each individual has said something that caught me totally off guard. OlanikeeOsi—yep, that's meant to be all one word—is, by no means, an exception.
As soon as she answered the phone, I could tell that she this 27-year-old was well-spoken, very comfortable in her skin and totally unapologetic about her life—and lifestyle. Yeah, this was going to be interesting. Then add tax. Then add inflation onto that.
What Exactly Was Her SelfishBabe “Trigger”?
I figured that the best way to get the conversation going was to pick her brain about how the name of her "creative baby" was first conceived. She paused for clarity's sake and then said, without missing a beat, "I think a lot of it had to do with getting married at 19 and divorced at 24." Wait, come again? I heard her right. "It wasn't that my marriage was exactly bad," she expounded. "But I remember sitting on the floor one day and filling out some test papers. My husband felt like I was sitting on 'his side' of the couch and things just escalated from there. I put a hole through the bathroom door and, at one point, he had my hands around my neck," she paused to give a deeper explanation. "It wasn't exactly that he was trying to choke me, but…things just got totally out of control. But I went to school and came back home, totally unafraid of him. But I did ask myself, 'If I had a daughter, would I want her to be in a relationship like mine?' Then I realized that I needed to ask a more important question than that—'Why does it need to be my daughter? Do I want to be in this kind of relationship?"
The answer was "no" and while OlanikeeOsi does make a point to say that her divorce was amicable, she no longer speaks to him. "I'm not angry, bitter or anything like that," she says. "I wish him well and I enjoyed our experience. I just think that was a season and chapter of my life that served its purpose, but he's not a friend. It was simply time for other things." Other things…like…what? We'll get a little more into that in a sec.
The Evolution of the SelfishBabe Revolution
As many of us do when a love relationship ends, OlanikeeOsi began a path of self-love that was rich, rewarding and, for her, truly life-altering in a myriad of ways. While she comes from both a Caribbean and Christian home—a home that is both close and functional, for the most part— OlanikeeOsi is open about choosing a path that her mom (her dad passed away when she was young) has had to do some adjusting to. She gets spiritual readings. She consults the spirits of the ancestors for guidance. A book that she attributes to her growth is Sacred Woman: A Guide to Healing the Feminine Body, Mind, and Spirit by Queen Afua. She speaks of being profoundly spiritual, just in a way that is different from her upbringing.
And something that her own spiritual path has taught her is the importance of being selfish. No, not practicing self-care. Being completely, totally and intentionally selfish.
"You know what I've come to realize?" OlanikeeOsi asks, then answers in the same breath, "Self-love is very selfish. To me, it's more important to do what you need in order to fill up your cup instead of neglecting your needs and trying to fill the empty ass cups of others."
And so, after a few months of getting comfortable with being selfish, the platform, app and podcast (not all at once, but they do all exist now) of SelfishBabe was born. "At first, I was offering products called Goddess Detox," explains OlanikeeOsi. "But then it hit me that just because you use products that may have a self-love theme to it, that still doesn't mean that you love yourself. I needed to do more."
From there came posts called Goddess Habits, but it wasn't long before OlanikeeOsi changed that over to SelfishBabe. "I just thought it was important to get away from the bad connotation that doing what it takes to make you better and happy, even if others have a problem with it…that may be selfish, but it's OK to be selfish in that kind of way. I have absolutely no problem with it. No one should."
Now, with her mission clear, OlanikeeOsi started posting Selfish Truths on IG. She also began selling T-shirts with different "selfish" messages on them. The more OlanikeeOsi did, the more her platform found its voice. Then, one day, the ancestors told her that it was time for an app.
"One day, I was on the toilet and it came to me," OlanikeeOsi nonchalantly explains. "We have phones, we're going to always be using our phones, so why not bypass all of the passwords and logins and provide a way for women to easily access tools for how to love themselves with an app?"
That's exactly what she did. It would appear that between her drive, her ancestors and that quality time in the John, OlanikeeOsi was truly on to something because SelfishBabe—an app that is free, by the way—currently has 150,000 subscribers and counting.
What Can You Expect from the SelfishBabe App?
And just what kind of messages can you expect, whether it's from the app or on her SelfishBabe IG page? OlanikeeOsi calls her messages "fun, jazzy and cool", sprinkled with "colorful language". "There are a lot of platforms that promote self-love, but I had a hard time finding ones that were totally relatable to millennials," OlanikeeOsi explains. "In order for women, especially younger women, to selfishly and authentically love themselves, relatability is important. I talk on my app like I would talk to my homegirls." Is there something I should be reading in between the lines, here? "Not really. But I have had people write and ask me why I cuss…you know, stuff like that. I do it because it's how I speak. I think the realness is what resonates."
OlanikeeOsi says that while the app is for everyone (she does love that it connects so well with Black women, but it's for any woman who can connect with her passion, platform and delivery), she is absolutely not going to shift her approach to cater to others' perspective of how SelfishBabe should be. "We need to really deal with our shit. Again, authenticity is important." Noted. And agreed.
The Evolution of OlanikeeOsi
Photo by Kaye McCoy
I must admit that as a marriage life coach, I was curious about where things were currently on OlanikeeOsi's personal front. You know, if all of the "selfishness" was truly paying off in matters of the heart. It was here were OlanikeeOsi taught me my something new for the day.
"I had a boyfriend who is now my friend and a business partner. Now I have a girlfriend." When I asked her how everything was going in comparison to her marriage, she said, "Great. I think practicing ethical non-monogamy is a great fit for me." That was my second "come again?" in the interview. "It's about not conforming to traditional monogamy, but instead, being open to different people and experiences for different seasons of your life," OlanikeeOsi explains. "It's about choosing not to bind yourself to a false promise that you may not be able to keep and being free to enter and exit relationships as you need." OlanikeeOsi then adds, "Besides. I don't think I'm meant to have sex with just one person, not necessarily even in a relationship. So, when it's time for me to move on or my girl to move on, we will. With love, just doing what is best for us."
Isn't that a little...selfish? I didn't ask that in my head either. OlanikeeOsi lightly laughs and says, "Yep. Exactly. Now you get it. My girlfriend and I are on the same page. We love one another, but not at the expense of doing what's best for our own selves. Yes, that is selfish and that's the entire point." (By the way, I asked her if she thought her divorce played a role in her approach to relationships. She peacefully and emphatically said, "Absolutely not. If anything, my marriage was trying to get me to conform to something, someone, that I'm not.")
I told OlanikeeOsi that although our worldviews couldn't be more different in a lot of ways, I did dig that her sense of self came off as very authentic; for me, that was super refreshing. After chatting with her for about an hour, I don't believe that OlanikeeOsi is offering to others what she's not wholeheartedly believing in for herself. To me, that's dope.
And just where does OlanikeeOsi want all of this selfishness to eventually take her? By this time next year, she'd like to have a million subscribers and for SelfishBabe to be a literal one-stop shop for all things self-love from messages to online courses to…just about anything you can imagine.
And what about the women who may be on the fence about joining up? Well, OlanikeeOsi helped us out by sharing some signs that a membership on SelfishBabe is exactly what someone needs. "If you are trying to fit into other people's boxes; if in your inner circle, you're considered to be 'the weird friend'; if you're super unconfident and always comparing yourself to others; if you're currently unhappy with your life, or if you're tired of always putting other people ahead of you and your needs, you need to become a SelfishBabe. You need to become equipped to live your life for you and do some of the things that either your ancestors weren't allowed to do or gave themselves permission to do. I do it every single day of my life—and I have absolutely no regrets."
For more info on SelfishBabe, check out @SelfishBabe on Instagram or visit SelfishBabe.com.
Featured image by Megan Monique @TheMeganMonique
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Some Signs Your Casual Relationship Is Getting Serious
In this modern era, establishing romantic connections has become increasingly challenging. From knowing what to say on the first date to knowing when to make things official, the rules have changed and this ain’t the same dating game that led to our parents falling in love and starting a family.
Because times are hard and dating is harder, we had to look to an expert to help us understand when that casual fling becomes something serious. So we chatted with Karina F. Daves, a relationship coach who has made it her mission to teach women how to enjoy more satisfying partnerships.
As a relationship coach, Daves leverages her experience as a former social worker and adjunct professor of women’s studies to teach women how to strategically evaluate their personal identity, values, and standards so that they can elevate their relationships and themselves.
She tells xoNecole, “You should not be with somebody for their potential. The key is being with somebody for their patterns. Instead of looking at it as one specific milestone, look at it as there are multiple patterns at which this person is showing you what role they want to play, what their values are.”
"You should not be with somebody for their potential. The key is being with somebody for their patterns."
Daves’ work has amassed more than 240,000 followers across her social media platforms, and her videos have reached close to 25 million and half a million alone this month.
According to the relationship coach, some key indicators that a relationship is going from casual to serious are:
“You talk about it going to a serious level, and you talk about intentions. Intentions are very clear in a relationship that is serious. At this point, you intend to date each other either for fun or you're dating for marriage. This is something that is very comfortably talked about.” She adds, “You enter each other's worlds fully. This means that you meet people in each other's world, but you also become part of their routine. You're not a task that they have to do, you are just a normal part of their day-to-day life."
“You're not a task that they have to do, you are just a normal part of their day-to-day life.”
In terms of how partners can communicate effectively about their expectations and intentions as a relationship becomes more serious, Daves shares:
“You will want to become serious by being vulnerable and having this conversation. Before the actual communication part occurs, you have to identify what it is that you want this relationship to be. What is it that you want out of a future partnership?”
Daves emphasizes the need for clear communication and suggests doing away with the potential you see in the person and instead focusing on what you want in love. "This is an opportunity for that person to say that's not who they are and that they can't give you that."
"Relationships should also be fun. We do not want to forget that these conversations can be serious, but also a source of fun and joy. They do not need to feel heavy. If you see that they are joyful, this can be a good indicator of what the rest of the relationship would be like when you're getting ready to have serious conversations," Daves concludes.
We know that specific milestones or stages in a relationship can help signify its deepening commitment; Daves has these tips for navigating these transitions:
Introducing one another to each other's worlds can be a big indicator that the relationship you share is getting serious. "When you start meeting each other’s friends and families, this is a big milestone and a vulnerable place to be." Another sign that things are getting serious is openly professing the "L" word. "Communication is significant as far as proclaiming that you love your partner. These are really big milestones that shouldn't be forced."
Speaking of communication, Daves adds that “another big indicator is how you overcome your first moment of misalignment. This is a huge indicator of the rest of the triumphs that you will face. Were you both open? Did you both feel safe sharing? Did you respect each other's point of view? How did you resolve the issue?”
"Communication is significant as far as proclaiming that you love your partner. These are really big milestones that shouldn't be forced."
Lastly, Daves suggests assessing one another's level of emotional investment:
One of the ways Daves suggests we assess the level of emotional investment is by doing a simple activity called “eggs in a basket.”
This activity involves discussing important and valued aspects of a relationship. Daves explains, “The way to assess the level of emotional investment is to test their heart posture. 'Heart posture' is referring to where their heart stands when it comes to this relationship and how it logically has made sense of it all.”
In those instances, ask each other the following questions:
- Do you feel clear about our intentions and where our relationship is going?
- Do you see me as a life partner?
- Are we past potentially seeing us together to understand each other's patterns and choosing to make that commitment?
- Are we a part of our life’s plan?
- Do you still have individual goals?
“This isn’t just about seeing their investment in the relationship but also how they’re choosing to invest in themselves as people. You don’t want a partner that will lose themselves in the relationship because you won’t have a partner anymore, you’ll have someone to parent,” Daves said.
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Featured image by xavierarnau/Getty Images