Signs You're Actually Self-Sabotaging Yourself
If you find yourself constantly feeling discouraged, unable to commit to your goals or see things through, then you may be self-sabotaging. Sometimes we can get in our own way without even realizing that the root of some of our issues is our mindset. When Girlfriends hit Netflix, one thing I just couldn't get over was the self-sabotaging traits Joan portrayed. I felt that she was more than capable and deserving of having a successful career and marriage. Unfortunately, she got in her own way a lot, and, honestly, a lot of us do the same thing.
I don't want this article to trigger you, instead, let this be a self-reflection because we all have exhibited some self-sabotaging behaviors in our lives. Self-sabotaging can be caused by a number of things like low self-esteem, a desire to gain a sense of control, a result of anxiety, and just not even realizing the things we do and say to ourselves. Recently, I saw a post on Twitter by ThirdEyeLove which laid out traits of a self-sabotager and how she overcame it. Per that thread, here are signs that you are actually self-sabotaging yourself.
Not Asking For Help
GiphyAsking for help is not easy but neither is trying to do everything by yourself. The stress of finishing school, elevating in your career, or starting a business is stressful in itself, so adding all the burden to yourself is a surefire way to feel defeated and discouraged.
Remember asking for help doesn't make you weak, it actually makes you more aware and efficient. You are able to acknowledge what you need and find resources that can help you achieve your goals, in fact, it may also help you build a community. For me, I used to hate asking for help because of how people made me feel about it. But, it's also important to remember it's normal, and if you find someone along the way that isn't willing to help in your time of need, there are so many other people and resources that will.
Rejecting Praise/Not Giving Yourself Praise
GiphyI personally struggle with accepting and giving myself praise. Sometimes I get so in my head about where I want to be that I can't accept people congratulating me or acknowledge it myself. Hella self-sabotaging!
We have to celebrate small wins and allow people to celebrate us too. Don't feel guilty about enjoying the fruits of your labor and don't ignore how far you have come. It becomes harder to keep going if you don't accept the work you've put in or at least allow people to appreciate the things you do and have to offer in the present. The next time someone praises you or your work, accept it and express gratitude because it's hard to see your growth if you keep overlooking it.
Isolating Yourself
GiphyThis is probably one of the most dangerous self-sabotaging traits. When you isolate yourself, you tend to distance yourself from friends and family, not leave the house, become unmotivated, and you're just stuck feeling hopeless. Sometimes that feeling can go on for days, weeks, and even months. You're no longer connected to anything other than those feelings and it can feel like things are getting darker and darker. Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine to take your space, but committing to complete isolation can be mentally, emotionally, and physically damaging.
Saying "Yes" To Everything
GiphySaying "yes" to everything, especially the things you don't want to do can be draining. Most of us want to please people and help the people around us which is amazing, but not if it costs you your sanity and the way you are able to show up for yourself. If you have people in your life who like to take and take and take, then you know what I'm talking about.
Constantly saying "yes" to everything can cause burnout. The energy (or lack thereof) will show up in your day-to-day tasks. I'm not saying to never say "yes", but practice balance. Don't just be a people-pleaser, be a you-pleaser!
Putting Your Needs On Hold
GiphyPutting your own needs on hold is a self-sabotaging behavior that piggybacks off of saying "yes" to everything. You can also be self-sabotaging yourself because you're putting your needs last. Need is defined as a requirement and an obligation. We need water, we need food, we need shelter -- those are the basics to live so we make sure we have those things in place. So why should your needs be treated any differently in any other area of your life?
It's easy for things to fall through the cracks but the longer you put your needs on the back-burner or ignore it, the more unfulfilled, lost, or hopeless you'll feel. The more you neglect your needs, the more this becomes a habit. Don't forget that you are special too!
You deserve the same amount of love, effort, and commitment that you work hard to give other people.
You're Procrastinating
GiphyWe all have been guilty of procrastinating at some point or another. Sometimes I think we procrastinate because we believe we aren't ready, we're fearful, or we have more time than we think. Procrastination, if done too much, can be sabotaging and can destroy long-standing goals, commitments, and dreams.
The more you procrastinate, the more time you waste, and the harder it is to reach your goals. I'm not going to lie and act like procrastination is an easy fix because it's not. In order to kick procrastination, you have to change your mindset, set realistic deadlines that include time for you to recharge, and remember that you are worthy of the things you set out to work for.
Trying To Be Perfect
GiphyPerfectionism is another dream killer. How many times have you waited to do or share something because it wasn't 'perfect'? We put so much pressure on ourselves to have things be the best, but what if we just showed up as ourselves?
We're humans, we make mistakes but we also grow and get better. Embracing the process and who we are is very important when it comes to this form of self-sabotage.
Striving for perfectionism not only causes you to be hard on yourself but it also prevents you from completing tasks or projects, owning your mistakes and flaws, facing your reality, and ultimately results in a lack of fulfillment. What makes this extremely self-sabotaging is that we put these pressures on ourselves despite knowing perfection is unattainable. Ease up and give yourself the grace of being human.
Negative Self-Talk
GiphyNegative self-talk is something we all fall victim to. The quote, "The words you speak become the house you live in" is nothing but facts. What you say becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy so when you think you can't do things or that you aren't good enough, you'll believe it's true. Eventually, you'll start feeling unmotivated, hopeless, and feel like you aren't enough. Imagine waking up every morning and saying you'll never reach your goals.
Positive affirmations are very powerful and key to manifesting the life you hope to lead. Instead of speaking about yourself or your life negatively, talking positively to and about yourself can make a huge difference when it comes to tackling new events/situations, boosting confidence/self-esteem, and being able to face each day.
The first step to starting anything is believing you can.
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Freelance writer, content creator, and traveler. She enjoys the beauty of simplicity, a peaceful life, and a big curly fro. Connect with Krissy on social media @iamkrissylewis or check out her blog at www.krissylewis.com.
The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
How We Met: Serial Entrepreneurship And Travel Are At The Center Of This Couple's Love Story
How We Metis a series where xoNecole talks about love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
Oftentimes, people say love and business don't mix, but this couple is one another's yin and yang in a journey to live their best life and achieve financial freedom through entrepreneurship. James and Deanna Robinson connected on ambition, confidence, and go-getter initiative from the very start. Both serial entrepreneurs have seen success in their respective fields and have even partnered up for joint ventures where each brings their unique strengths to the table.
"I can bring the deal to the table," James said.
"And I’m the closer," Deanna added.
"I’m not the type to send out the emails and things like that. She’s on top of that part. When we’re out, she’s quiet. I’ll be there networking. I feel like that’s where I’m strong," James continued.
"We almost missed the interview today," Deanna added with a laugh. "I gotta be in the field," James said.
Deanna launched FabBody Fitness more than a decade ago, empowering a lucrative market via her Maryland-based women's-only gym. The founder of the FabBody Retreat now works as a health and wellness advocate with corporate and private clients. James got skin in the game as a chef and went on to launch three of his own KitchenCray restaurants. He also recently launched Technology Partners LLC, which offers construction, demolition, IT, and other related services. Beyond their individual ventures, they're also real estate investors and own a black car service.
The couple, who met in 2013 and wed in 2017, shared how they manage running multiple businesses while still keeping the fire alive in their marriage, the challenges they've faced as balancing love, businesses, and parenting, and why they're the ideal partners in ventures and in life.
Serial entrepreneurs James and Deanna Robinson share why they're the ideal partners in ventures and in life.
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How We Met
Deanna: I used to do these client appreciation pool parties. We actually met at one of my pool parties. His company was doing a sponsorship of some of the food items. This is when I had my gym, so it was for all my personal training clients.
James: The thing that attracted me was that she had her own business, she was doing something so I could learn from her. And I thought she looked good.
Deanna: I had known about him before we met. At that time he didn’t have any restaurants. He was doing catering and pop-up events. What attracted me to him was that he was a businessman and that he was very ambitious and that I could learn from him as well.
First Date
Deanna: It was to this French restaurant called La Diplomat in D.C. The most memorable thing about that date to me was we ordered a dish called foie gras and I wasn’t a foodie then. Quite different to now. I had no idea with foie gras was, but I was still open to trying stuff. I tried it and hated it. Now, I actually really like it. That always sticks out to me, when we sit down at a restaurant now to order it, we think about that first date when I had that with him and I despised it. After that, it was one of the things I admired about him as well is that he opened up my palette for food.
James: I didn’t know she didn’t like it. I didn’t know if she was a foodie or not. I’ve been a chef for 21 years, always into food so I just took her somewhere I know nobody was taking her. That stuck out to me—that she wasn’t a foodie.
Deanna: [Laughs] I was into oxtail and curry goat.
"The thing that attracted me was that she had her own business, she was doing something so I could learn from her," James explained.
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The One
Deanna: What sticks out to me is we started really dating in September–the pool party was that August—and that’s always a rough time around the holidays because you just never know, like, ‘Are we gifting each other?’ or ‘What level of gift should we do?’ I had decided I was not going to get him a gift. I always felt like in relationships I was always the one doing too much.
The first time I decided not to do too much, was the time he decided to give me a gift. I felt horrible because he got me a really cute gift. It was, like, some perfume, or something. I didn’t get him anything. That’s when I knew. I had actually scaled myself back from being the kind person I was when all along I should’ve just continued to do what I do and the right person would accept it and it would be reciprocated.
James: I probably got it just by listening to her. She’s a real family-[oriented] person and holidays are important to them.
Deanna: His love language is acts of service and mine is quality time.
Favorite Way To Spend Quality Time
Deanna: We like to plan trips so that we have something to look forward to, so even when one or both of us are really busy, we know that in the next few weeks, we’re going to this place and it’s just going to be us. And it’s even better when we plan a long haul trip to a totally different time zone so that means when we’re up and doing stuff, everybody else might be sleep, so we won’t be on our phones or people won’t be calling as much for business. So really travel has been one of the ways we can kind of do the work-life balance.
Travel’s definitely one [way to keep the spark alive], and I think, going out to eat— trying new foods.
James: And we’ve got the baby. When we go places, we’re trying to call her on FaceTime. I remember when we went to Italy and our friend had a baby and we were so annoyed, like, ‘She keeps talking about the baby,’ and now we do that. [Laughs]. You’ve got that little 2-year-old baby that you love, so that’s one of the hardest parts, too, with entrepreneurship and us working. We’re not depending on a steady [9-to-5] check. We have to create something to go out and get, and we’re spending time away from the wife and your kid, and they want their own individual time as well. Building a family is not easy.
"We’re not depending on a steady check. We have to create something to go out and get, and we’re spending time away from the wife and your kid, and they want their own individual time as well. Building a family is not easy."
"We like to plan trips so that we have something to look forward to," Deanna shared about the couple's love for travel.
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Overcoming Challenges As Married Entrepreneurs
Deanna: It's about making sure we prioritize that quality time. As a business owner, especially when your business is still in the growth stages, it’s important that we’re both grinding—especially for him. He’s got businesses in different states and events in other countries. He’s got to travel a lot. So it’s really important for us—and really tough for us—to make sure we’re carving out that time for family and making sure that we are spending quality time.
Even just being present is not always necessarily quality time—trying to stay off our phones when we have business on our phones and we need to answer that text message and send this invoice. So that’s been a challenge. It’s something we have gotten better at.
James: I like to make money and live a certain lifestyle now, and I have to be the one speaking the truth, like ‘Hey, you want this quality time, but we’ve got bills to pay.’ So, we have to figure [out] what’s going to work. If we’re going to live like this, one of us is going to have to be out in the field working and putting stuff together—building stuff up. I’m not saying we’re going to be doing that forever, but at least we gotta build a foundation, and make sure things are in place and systems are in place that work. That doesn’t happen overnight.
I feel like the older you get, more things start to change. In the beginning you can have one vision and later you can have another vision. Or 10 years later you might [say], I’m done. So, you just gotta learn and grow, because nobody’s going to stay the same every year. You have to communicate and be vocal and let the person know, ‘These are my goals, too.’
The more you stay together, the more you have to communicate and [talk about] the direction.
Favorite Traits
Deanna: He has a great sense of humor and I really like his swag. It’s a confidence. Even just his fashion sense—it’s very different and he doesn’t care what other people think about it. Of course, his ambition goes into that swag-iness as well.
James: I wish I had that way [of how] she’s close with her family. She's [very caring]. She grew up with her parents and around love. I didn’t. I’m learning from her to really be a super family-loving person. I’m not the same person I was when I met her.
I [grew up] in foster care. My grandmother took me in. I grew up in shelters. She didn’t have to go through all that stuff. I can be like ‘Forget this. I’m done. On to the next,’ but she has that trait where she can be patient and understanding. One of the things I learned is giving people the benefit of the doubt. I used to cut people off. … As I grew, I learned to give more benefit of the doubt to people. That trait of hers rubbed off on me and made me a better person.
For more information on Deanna and James Robinson and their businesses, follow their respective pages on Instagram @deannarobinsonfit and @kitchencray.
Featured image courtesy