A couple of weeks ago, someone decided to give me a mini-sermon about why I should make a bigger deal out of Christmas than I do. Chile. Let me just say that since I’m an origin person, I’m at perfect peace with holidays not being “my thing” — and no, I am not a Jehovah’s Witness. I just like to do research and I also watched pretty much every episode of The Boondocks…including when Huey broke Christmas down.
So, while I’m not out here protesting the day or thinking that folks are crazy for observing it…I am totally at peace with my own stance. Plus, as people who are all gung-ho about it worry that I am feeling lonely and depressed by skipping out on the festivities, years of not doing so have actually made Christmas become one of my favorite times of the year — just…in a different way…and for a whole ‘nother set of reasons.
And that’s what inspired me to pitch and pen this particular piece. Because, although there may not be a ton of people who think like I do, I have run across enough of them to know that some folks just don’t do Christmas “like that,” for whatever their personal reasons may be. And so, if you happen to be one of them, one, I wanted you to not feel alone (you are absolutely not) and two, I wanted to offer up a few ways that you can still have a wonderful December 25…anyway.
1.Take a Trip
Do yourself a solid and get away for a little bit.
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Again, even though Christmas ain’t my personal get down, it’s not like I’m a Grinch or anything. In fact, when it comes to these first two points, I actually feel kinda bad for the fact that I can recommend them — because that means there are individuals who will be working on Christmas Day. Yet, that’s the way our society is and so yeah…if you don’t plan on observing this year, one thing that you can do is go on a quick trip because two things that will be open on Christmas are airports and hotels.
Now in order to do you a solid, I did some research and it appears that Fridays are pretty much the worst days to travel, period, as far as crowds are concerned. And since, this year, Friday is just a few days before Christmas (because Christmas falls on a Monday), it will also be the most expensive. So, when is the best time to go? Christmas Eve, believe it or not. Most people will already be where they want to go and, since you couldn’t really care less about Christmas anyway if you happen to arrive somewhere late — it doesn’t really matter.
And what if you’d prefer to drive a rental car? Rental car companies are open too although it’s pretty common for no rides to be available. This means that you need to look into booking one NOW. You could be stuck and pissed otherwise.
2.Or Have Your Own Kind of Staycation
If you don't travel far, switch up the scenery by having a staycation.
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What if you’d prefer to stay closer to home yet would still like to have a change of scenery? Why not go the staycation route and book a hotel room in your own city? One of the best things about this option is that many hotels have deals on Christmas Day. Plus, even if Christmas isn’t your thing, there is still something pretty about the décor — and a lot of hotels go all out. Not to mention the fact that they oftentimes take their menus up a few notches if they happen to offer room service or there are restaurants attached to their establishment. Some of the best hotels in the country for this time of year are located here.
Or you can just stay at your house and do absolutely nothing. I’ve done that many times and when I tell you that it’s especially relaxing on Christmas because the world is so quiet? It really is top-tier. No one is calling you. No emails are coming through. Throwback movies are on TV all day long. Chinese restaurants are yours for the taking (LOL). You can sleep in all day and night if you want to — who is going to notice or care? I’m telling you, a Christmas staycation? Very few things in life will ever top it.
3.Order Takeout Beforehand
Take some of the holiday pressure off by ordering dinner ahead of time.
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For those of you who do observe the holidays, dinner will probably have you working in the kitchen. Yeah, let’s not even talk about how much Christmas isn’t much of a day off for those who celebrate it. For those of us who don’t? We don’t have to get out of the bed or off of the couch, AT ALL, if we don’t want to. Just order some takeout and call it a day.
That said, although it’s not a lot of stuff, stores like CVS and Walgreens and y’all’s almighty Starbucks (although it is slated to close early) will be open on Christmas Day. So will IHOP, Domino’s, and, of course, McDonald’s. Other than that, though, if you’re looking to do some shopping or eating out on Christmas Day, you really need to plan ahead.
Shopping-wise, get whatever you need, I’d say before noon on Christmas Eve. And if your plan is to order food, get it delivered to you either on the 23rd or by noon on Christmas Eve. I mean, you do know how to warm stuff up, right? And make sure to tip big. Folks deserve a shout-out for working on Christmas Eve. No wiggle room on that.
4.Totally Unplug
Opt out of being plugged in, and opt into unplugging.
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A few years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled, “8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.” When you get a chance, check it out because there are so many benefits that come from “fasting from your phone” every once in a while. And what better day to put these points to the test than on Christmas Day? Because really — other than maybe your mama or grandmama, who’s going to be calling you anyway?
Usually, what I will do is discipline myself to stay off of the phone and off of my PC. Whatever is happening, it can wait. And not being “plugged into” stuff means that you can read a book, binge-watch a show (Okay, that’s technically using an electronic but…), or play some of your favorite music while sitting in the tub and reheating the water for a couple of hours.
As someone who is personally becoming more of a minimalist by the second, one of my favorite sites on the topic said that unplugging (especially from social media) can decrease feelings of jealousy and loneliness. How ironic is it that, by getting away from all of the noise of phones and the internet, on a day when so many people are spending time with others, you can be alone and NOT feel lonely? I’m sold.
5.Get Yourself a Present
Treat yourself with a Christmas gift this Christmas.
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If there’s one thing that I’m gonna do, it’s give. Everyone in my world knows this about me. And no, I’m not going to wait until a special occasion to do it. If you’re my peeps and I see something that you might like, it’s as good as got. My 12-year-old and four-year-old goddaughters know this about me as well. They also know that I couldn’t care less about Christmas — so no one is asking me to do anything on or for that day. This means that my money is totally freed up to — hallelujah! — treat myself and that’s exactly what I did this past pay cycle. When I tell you that there is a leather bag from overseas that I’ve been eyeing for a few months now…and since there is no Christmas present pressure looming over my head, I just bought it? Talk about joy unspeakable! (LOL)
I don’t look at it as a Christmas gift for myself. More like a “I won’t go into debt buying it this month” type of token. Anyway, I encourage you to have a similar frame of mind. Just because Christmas may not be your thing, that doesn’t mean that you can’t splurge on yourself a little bit. We all should prioritize that a few times a year. Why the heck not? As the throwback L’Oreal ad used to say — you’re worth it. TOTALLY.
6.Do Some New Year Planning
You don't have to wait for the New Year to start planning and organizing.
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Personally, something else that I’m not really big on is New Year’s Resolutions (check out “Forget New Year's Resolutions, Try This Instead.”). My main reason is that there is nothing supernatural about January 1. This means that whatever you’re waiting until then to do, 9 times outta 10, you can start doing it right now. However, if you are someone who waits until the turn of a new calendar year to make some new (or different) things happen, you can get a leg up on Christmas Day. Because let’s be real: I’m not sure that any week moves faster than the one that is in between Christmas and New Year’s Day and so, what’s the point in pressuring yourself to set some short or long-term goals (check out “Here Are 10 Personal Development Goals We All Should Make”) if you can plan them ahead of time with as little stress as possible?
Whether it’s jotting stuff down, creating a vision board, or doing a bit of home office organizing — if Christmas isn’t a big deal to you but New Year’s Eve and Day are, you can enjoy them fully without any resolutions pulling at you. You used Christmas to knock those out. “Problem” solved.
7.See People on Boxing Day Instead of Christmas Day
Celebrate an alternative version of Christmas through Boxing Day.
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It’s actually a friend of mine who’s from Bermuda who introduced me to the concept of Boxing Day many years ago. Long story short, back in the day, the day after Christmas was when servants got off to spend with their own families. It’s also when rich folks boxed stuff up and gave it to the poor. Fast forward to now and, for many, it’s the time when they will take gifts to people who aren’t their relatives (or aren’t the ones who they spent Christmas with).
Where am I going with all of this? Whenever people ask me if I ever go to visit folks at all on Christmas, if I choose to, it’s usually on Boxing Day. I like for folks to spend time with their families on Christmas. However, since a lot of them typically take the following day off too, Boxing Day is a cool time to check in without any extra Christmas rah-rah or them feeling pressured to have a gift waiting on me like they would if it was Christmas Day. As a bonus, there are leftovers for days — so it’s a win/win all the way around. Trust me.
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Whether it’s your first year laying low on Christmas or you’ve been doing it forever, just know that I see you and it’s all good. You don’t have to observe the day to make it a good one. So please, sis, make sure that you do.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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