

I'm a quotes person, right? Well, one of my all-time favorite ones is, "Complain to someone who can help you." While I certainly don't profess to have all of the answers when it comes to sex, after working with couples for many years now, there are 10 major problems that I tend to hear, on loop. So, I figured that there's a pretty good chance that some of y'all may either be experiencing them as well or, you know someone who says their sex life currently sucks and they're looking for the reason(s) why that could be the case.
These aren't all of the challenges that couples face. Yet I do think that if fireworks aren't currently going off in your world, reading this might help to connect some dots, create some solutions and get you back to being all hot 'n bothered, in the best way possible, tonight.
1. Boredom
I'm not the least bit ashamed to say that one of my favorite movies isThe Fault in Our Stars and one of my favorite lines in it is when one of the characters says, "A lot of times, we don't understand the promises we make when we make them." Man, if I could provide a bottom line statement for why so many married couples divorce, that would have to be it. A lot of folks don't take the "my word is bond" approach to their marriage vows and so, they'll call it quits, for just about any reason these days; including boredom. Yep. More and more, boredom is becoming a leading cause for why relationships are ending and sex lives are suffering. The love can be there. The chemistry can be there. And still, if folks feel like things have become too routine and ho-hum, they'll dip out.
If you're reading this and nodding your head up and down because, while you're not thinking about ending your relationship, you're literally bored to tears, it's not OK to simply — pardon the pun — lay down and take it. If you do, it could lead to resentment and/or faking it and/or cheating. If you're bored, you definitely need to let your partner know. Not just outside of the bedroom, inside of the bedroom too because if having sex with your partner is basically like watching paint dry, you deserve sooooo much more.
Solution: You and your partner should consider putting together a sex bucket list on an annual basis. Have each of you jot down 12 things that you'd like to try and then attempt to do two of them (one from each person's list) every month. It's an easy way to break up the monotony, add more spice to your boudoir and give you something to look forward to too.
2. Different Sleep Schedules
According to several studies, around 75 percent of long-term couples do not go to bed at the same time. While on the surface, this might not seem like such a big deal, the reason why this isn't something to shrug off is, due to hectic schedules, a lot of people aren't able to get any quality time in with their boo until they are able to crawl into bed and pillow talk with them. Not to mention that it can be hard to get some if you're a night owl, your partner is an early riser and you'd prefer to have sex at midnight while they want it at 5 a.m. The result? Only sex on the weekends or sometimes, even less than that.
Solution: There are many couples I've worked with where having different sleep schedules has been a huge cause of why they have sex less and less. My suggestion has been to compromise. While it might not be realistic to expect you and your partner to cuddle up together, at the same time, each and every night, there should be at least two nights a week that it does indeed occur. It ups the chances for some much-needed quality time, feeling emotionally connected and…getting some as well.
3. Body Changes
I don't care how old you are when you get into your relationship, at some point, your body is going to change. Age changes us. Hormonal shifts change us. Having children changes us. The list goes on and on. Thing is, if we don't stay on top of these realities, when we find ourselves having less sex, less stamina or fewer orgasms, it could result in us thinking that something is wrong with our relationship when really, it's just that physically, we are going through a bit of a transition.
Solution: I can't tell you how many people I know — mostly Black folks — who rarely ever go to the doctor. Listen, while I'm the first person to give westernized medicine the perpetual side-eye, there is something to be said for not "Google diagnosing" everything and actually having an annual physical. One of the benefits is so you can get your body — and hormone levels — checked out so that you can confirm that things are running smoothly.
Another thing to consider when it comes to body changes is to be intentional about remaining body positive when it comes to how you see yourself and your partner (check out "These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More" and "10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem").
You know, I once had a blog that featured different married couples. When I asked one of the husbands what he loved about his wife's body, he said, "I love that when God created her, he had me in mind." This was a few years in and after kids, by the way.
Body changes are bound to happen. Taking care of your health while embracing your transitions is the key to remaining confident and maintaining a thriving sex life.
4. Mediocre Foreplay
I believe I shared before that, one time, when I was about to close out a series of sessions (years' worth, in fact) with a particular married couple and I asked both of them what they desired sexually from one another, moving forward. The wife said that she wanted to stop using her own saliva to make herself wet. What. In. The. Entire. World? She went on to share that while the intercourse itself was pretty on-point, the foreplay, oftentimes, was mediocre at best. And yes, while I know that can sound crazy on the surface, when you stop to really think about it, some folks can get the positions and strokes down yet the warming up stage is a bit subpar. This can oftentimes be the case with a couple who's been having sex for a while and has taken the seduction phase for granted or a couple who never really made mastering foreplay a priority in the first place.
Solution: A very basic definition of foreplay is a prelude to intercourse that consists of acts that lead to sexual stimulation. Earlier this year, when I wrote the article, "Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels" for the platform, it was to serve as a reminder that the best foreplay masters are people who know that it's important to stimulate the mind, body and spirit. Flirt. Cultivate ambiance. Be more romantic. Play around with phone sex. Dress up sometimes. Try things like orgasmic meditation. Up your oral sex game. Bring in some ice, fruit and chocolate. Get out of your bedroom. TAKE. YOUR. DAMN. TIME. When foreplay is treated like a part of the experience and not just "a way to get him hard or her wet real quick", it can make sex so much better — from beginning to end.
5. A Bonging Biological Clock
Babies are a blessing. I am reminded of this very fact, every time I am afforded the honor and privilege of helping to bring a baby into the world (as a doula). Unfortunately, for some couples, conceiving is way more difficult than it is for others. Believe you me, I get that. However, sometimes the desire to get pregnant can become so all-consuming that it ends up taking a real toll on a couple's relationship, including their sex life. Case in point, I know a wife who shared with me that she and her husband almost ended up getting a divorce while they were trying to have their daughter because a couple of years of "trying" resulted in sex that was so planned that it became mechanical which caused both of them to become turned off by the very act. A husband recently shared with me that he's considering cheating on his wife because all that she ever talks about is getting pregnant. It's gotten to the point that he doesn't even want to talk to her — or have sex with her — at all.
Solution: Sex is the most natural way to become pregnant. However, that is not the only purpose of the act. Shoot, the oxytocin boosts (which help you to feel closer to your partner) alone help to confirm that it's an activity that's also about emotionally connecting with your partner and experiencing an immense amount of physical pleasure. Y'all, something that I tell people who are trying to have a baby is it's a lot like making homemade chocolate chip cookies in the sense that, even when you've got all of the right ingredients together, you've still gotta give the oven time to do its job. Timing, along with good health and low stress, play a significant role in conception. CHILL. Besides, you don't want to be so obsessed with conceiving and/or your biological clock that it ultimately costs you a good sex life and, quite possibly, your relationship too.
6. Shifts in Sex Drives
It's kind of unfortunate that, when a couple isn't having as much sex as they typically do, the natural assumption tends to either be that someone is cheating or that someone isn't interested in their partner anymore. While both instances are sometimes the case, it should also go on record that certain medications, fatigue, anxiety, worry, too little or too much exercise, the abuse/misuse of alcohol or drugs, low self-esteem and even straight-up aging can play a direct role too. In other words, sometimes the mind is willing while the body or emotions are waning just a bit.
Solution: When it comes to this particular sex-related issue, it's a good idea to go by process of elimination. One way to approach this most effectively is to do a little sex journaling. Try and think back to when your sex life was pretty consistent. Then jot down any changes that have happened between now and then. If they're lifestyle-related, you'll know what to add or eliminate. If it's something that requires a professional's attention, make an appointment to see a doctor and/or a reputable therapist/counselor/coach. Very rarely does a sex shift (especially an abrupt one) transpire out of thin air for absolutely no reason. Be intentional as possible about getting down to the root cause and then sharing the results with your partner (encourage them to do the same). It's an effective way to get back on the same page — and consistency levels — again.
7. Going to Bed Looking…Not the Best
I'm a woman and sometimes, even I look at some women like, "Y'all are doing the most right now." And by "most", I mean not a helluva lot. Take how pissed a lot of Black women were when Mo'Nique admonished us about wearing bonnets in public. Listen, as someone who had grandmas, on the sides, who instilled the "Don't go out looking a hot mess" mentality to me, I get where she was coming from. However, what really made me be like, "Sometimes we as women just wanna be contrary to be contrary" is when I also recalled all of the hell that Derrick Jaxn's wife was sent through, again by Black women, for having a bonnet on in his "confession" (and her follow-up) video.
We've all got different styles. Noted. Still, why we would want to look like we just rolled out of bed in public is a little beyond me. Plus, as a wife of 35+ years had to say about it, "If you don't want to look the best for yourself, that says a lot about you. It's also going to cause issues in your relationship, whether you want to accept that fact or not." She's not wrong.
When it comes to what a lot of couples tell me is a huge hindrance in their sex life, you'd be amazed by how many times I hear that how their partner comes to bed is annoying AF. It's not just men who feel this way either. I mean, think about it — how is a big ass bonnet, footie PJs and older-than-most-of-your-kids boxers a turn-on? It isn't.
Solution: No one is saying that you've got to relive your prom when you're turning in. All I'm saying is there are too many different varieties of sleepwear out here for you to be looking like who-shot-Johnny. Even a tank top, some boy shorts and your hair up in a pineapple can be cute as hell. Some new boxer briefs for your man are pretty sexy too. Or, you can always do what is even more seductive and healthier for you. You can sleep naked. Amen? Hallelujah.
8. Laziness
Wanna know a clear indication that either you are taking your partner for granted or they are doing it to you? It's if one of you is super lazy in bed. And just what does that even look like? Lazy lovers do the bare minimum. Lazy lovers are fine sticking to the same routine all of the time. Lazy lovers aren't that impressive when it comes to foreplay or afterplay (hell, a lot of them don't even know what afterplay even is). Lazy lovers barely ever go a second round. Lazy lovers lack creativity, seduction moves or ways to bring more spice into the relationship. And the crazy thing is, even if a lazy lover is able to get their partner off, after a while, that person is still going to feel like something is missing because, well, something is. Good lovers know that great sex isn't just about achieving a climax; it's about blowing your partner's mind before and afterwards too. Enough to go another round or two, for sure.
Solution: Two things that many lazy individuals have in common is a lack of planning and a ton of procrastination. That said, it's a good idea to keep in mind that synonyms for lazy include words like inattentive, passive, neglectful, out of it and dull. If you or your partner seem to reflect any of these words, on any level, it's time to reenergize your sex life. Plan a sexcation. Try some new sex positions. When's the last time you and your partner did it in the shower (check out "So, This Is How To Make Shower Sex So Much Better")? Have an oral sex "competition" to see who can go without having an orgasm the longest. Ask your partner to share a fantasy and then work to make it come true. The challenging thing about laziness when it comes to sex is it low-key sends a message of disinterest. No one feels desired or appreciated when that kind of energy exists.
9. Not Enough Emotional Intimacy
Something that a lot of men and women will certainly vouch for is, while you can enjoy the mechanics of sex with many people, the experience is so much better when there is a strong emotional connection between two people. When folks who are in a serious or long-term relationship feel a disconnect, this can definitely translate in their boudoir. The main reason why is because a lot of relationships get to a point and place that it's not so much the physical attraction that makes sex outstanding. Don't get me wrong, being physically drawn to your partner is important (some folks forget or underestimate this part). Still, knowing that you are loved, respected and adored, for reasons well beyond what you look like, can be a type of aphrodisiac that is truly unmatched.
Solution: When's the last time you wrote your partner a love letter? When's the last time you told them all of the things (that you can think of at the time) that you love and like about them? Can you recall the last truly memorable date that you went on? When's the last time you asked them what their goals and dreams are and really just sat there and listened? When you've been wrong, have you owned it and apologized (builds trust) or found some way to deflect and justify your actions (cultivates distrust)? Can you recall the last time you and your partner did nothing but joke around and laugh (was it longer than a couple of weeks ago)? When's the last time the two of you just cuddled up and talked until sunrise? Some of the best sex is when both people feel extremely safe in each other's presence. Emotional intimacy is definitely what can help to make that happen.
10. Faking Orgasms
I promise you, while I understand some of the whys behind why some women (and men) fake orgasms, you will never convince me that they are a good idea. For one thing, no matter how you cut it, faking is a form of dishonesty and secondly, if you're basically lying to your partner, how in the world is sex going to get any better? Case in point. There's a wife I know who's been faking orgasms her entire marriage (over 10 years) because she "doesn't want to hurt her husband's feelings". A couple of years back, they were going through a rough patch and she had an affair with an ex — a man who always made her climb the walls. Her husband doesn't know about either lie to this day. Tell me how that is a healthy situation. It's absolutely not one.
Solution: There's a male friend of mine who is oh so very confident that he's made every woman he's been with cum. When I asked him to provide me with the evidence of his confidence (eh hem, borderline arrogance), he talked about all of the screaming and shaking most of them would make. I simply asked, "Did you feel their vaginal walls contract?" What I got were crickets.
As we come to the end of this piece, the best solution for giving up fake orgasms for real ones is open and honest communication, followed by being highly attentive, so that you can learn your partner's body. That needs to be followed up with a willingness to be as patient, generous and willing to learn as possible. After all, orgasms are more of an art form than anything else. Meaning, oftentimes, they don't "just happen". They must be made to happen. That said, if there's one thing that will almost guarantee that you won't have (many of) them, it's faking it. So…don't. It's the first step to getting this particular sex problem…solved.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Successful Black Women Share Real Networking Tips That Actually Work
Networking can be enjoyable or a total cringe-fest, especially in a post-pandemic world of hybrid-remote confusion. It can seem challenging to really connect with people when they've either opted to work from home for good or they're reluctantly dragging themselves into the office two days a week wishing they could work from home.
Also, virtual networking has its own awkward and sometimes downright unappealing moments. I mean, how do you really get to know someone who's probably multitasking five other things while on the call with you, had little desire to turn their camera on, and is possibly not even wearing pants? It seems like everyone is juggling a lot and simply trying to survive, not focused on making new friends, work besties, or business partners.
Well, don't let the pessimism set in just yet. There are still many people out there who are open to new connections (or at least continuing to cultivate and build on old ones). And there is still value in authentic networking where you're able to not only find kindred industry spirits to chat about everyday issues you face at work, but destiny helpers who are divinely placed in your life for the most positive and fabulous life advancement you've ever seen.
Get inspired by these real-life stories of women professionals and entrepreneurs who have witnessed, firsthand, the power of true connection through networking:
Dr. Amber L. Wright, Keynote Speaker & Executive Coach, Words Well Said
DFinney Photo
On the true key to networking that actually works: "Focusing on building relationships versus transactions is also important for creating meaningful connections and expanding your network."
On a networking experience that led to results: "While attending a conference, I met a woman who did a fantastic job as a panel moderator. She had a great stage presence and was dressed impeccably. After the panel, I approached her to say hello and offer my compliments on how well she did. She thanked me for the kind words and we struck up a conversation, ending with the proverbial promise to keep in touch."
"We both kept that promise and stayed in touch via social media. That eventually led to offline conversations, resulting in us sharing opportunities to advance both of our businesses."
"She is now the CEO of a leadership development firm and in partnering with her, I have experienced significant financial growth in my business as a keynote speaker and executive coach. That one interaction all of those years ago has resulted in one of my most rewarding personal and professional relationships!"
On a one-on-one networking experience that built impact: "I had a virtual co-working session with someone I didn’t know (via a co-working app), that resulted in us sharing a bit about what we do and connecting on LinkedIn. Months later, she randomly tagged me in a call for speakers, which led to me being hired as the opening keynote speaker for that conference."
Dontaira Terrell, Journalist & Publisher, The Buckeye Review
Courtesy, DontairaTerrell.com
On proactivity despite rejection: “My initial story pitches were unsuccessful, but I maintained a strong relationship with my former colleague. I consistently shared updates and offered support, cultivating a valuable connection."
This proactive approach unexpectedly led to an opportunity when a legacy brand needed management assistance for its annual premiere event.
On dynamic results: "She immediately recommended me for the position, and within a week, I was collaborating with their executive team, successfully bringing their high-profile event to life.”
How To Make Real Connections Through Networking In 2025
Today's networking, especially in an environment where millions of professionals are working remote or hybrid, it's all about authenticity, collaboration, and service. Oftentimes, opportunities come through people who simply like one another and have things in common. People like to work with people who are not only performers but who are a joy to know and work with.
Posting consistently on LinkedIn, actively engaging by sharing relevant information and opportunities, and responding to comments are great ways to break the ice and meet new high-achieving professionals. Also, practicing networking with smaller groups via meet-ups, happy hours and brunches is still valuable versus only focusing your time and money on larger conferences or work-mandated experiences.
And don't wait until you need something (like a new job after a sudden job loss or a source of investment for a new project). Be proactive and get into the practice of cultivating relationships whether you see an immediate return on investment or not.
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