This week marks something major for the xoNecole brand as we ring in five years as a media company! When it comes to anniversaries, the fifth year is considered a major one. It's a milestone and representative of all that you have weathered through and the blessings you've received. Here at xoNecole, as we look back at the last five years, we can't help but be filled with joy at all we've been able to achieve. With the awe-inspiring Necole Kane at our helm as founder, we have evolved from a website to a fully realized digital destination.
Year-to-year, she has continuously pushed boundaries by leveling up the xoNecole brand in new and innovative ways. From sold-out in-person signature events like ElevateHER and Pajamas & Lipstick, to dynamic social media and video content and launching a top-performing podcast and new membership app, xoNecole has paved the way for what it means to be a brand that truly caters to the amplification of Black women and their voices. And that's where it all begins and ends, through the captivating words of the women who make up our xoNecole team of contributing writers.
In honor of this auspicious moment in time for the brand, the editorial team expressed gratitude to Necole, what xoNecole means to us as a whole, our favorite articles, and our wishes for Necole from today and beyond. Cue the tears!
Shellie R. Warren
Courtesy of Shellie R. Warren
Age: 46
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: Fall 2018-present
Most Common Verticals: Love & Relationships, Beauty & Fashion, Life & Travel, Culture & Entertainment
"This is actually my 20th year as a mostly full-time writer (meaning, I do a couple of other things for a check but writing pays the main bills). I've had a lot of experiences with a ton of platforms. Two of my favorite things about penning for xoNecole is I am able to be completely myself and I don't have to chase a check down. When you've been working in the Black media lane for as long as I have, believe me when I say that both of those are a true blessing. There is a lot about how I see things that is somewhat unconventional in the sense that I've never been married yet I'm a marriage life coach, I write about sex all of the time even though I'm almost 14 years abstinent and I'm profoundly fond of the Bible and Hebrew studies yet I don't go to church. All of this makes me a quirky fit yet xoNecole is like, 'Sure! We'll take it and pay you for it without you having to wait a billion years.' Working for them has been pretty easy-going and gift-affirming, for almost two years now, consistently so, and that is what I wish all people could say about their own jobs.
"Necole has been great at affirming my work. It's not so much that I 'need' that at this stage in the game, but for an EOC to make the time to say, 'Girl, you did that!' or 'I really enjoy what you bring to this space', that is a warm fuzzy that makes me feel appreciated for what I contribute. Necole and Sheriden (the managing editor) have both been pretty consistent in that way; that I am not just a content creator but a valued member of the tribe.
"Necole, I just want to thank you for allowing me to be a contributing voice for your creative baby. I have seen a lot of people talk about how they were such big fans of Necole Bitchie as well, but I actually got truly hip to you as you were making your transition. While this lifestyle platform is wonderful all on its own, it's your stepping out on faith that really moves me. It takes a very bold person to listen to the small inner voice that says, 'There's something better for you out there' when you're already successful. For you to have chosen to listen to it is honorable."
"Creative people come in different forms. You are a living example of that. But for you to take this kind of risk, without a full blueprint, that helps to give other people the courage to do the same. I am profoundly grateful to be entrusted to contribute to your a creative child that I know you hold so dear. I truly am. Thank you. Oh, in the Bible, five symbolizes 'grace', by the way. Embrace all of that!"
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife"
"10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"
"14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners"
"Why I Named The Children I Aborted"
"Are You 'Waiting On Your Boaz'? Make Sure You Know What That Means, Sis."
Charmin Michelle
Age: 33
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: 2019-present!
Most Common Verticals: "Across the board, but most commonly 'As Told To'."
"For me, xoNecole is the personification of a goal that ultimately manifested into achievement. It has been my teacher, my mentor, my friend. A sculptor to the womanhood ideologies that I wish to project into the world, into my friendships, and to my family. Personally, Necole's journey is...you know, we've watched her evolve. And that's the beauty in celebrating her. She did it, she won! She is literally a walking, dancing, smiling, gem-carrying testimony. How do you thank an actual blueprint? See metaphor.
"Whew, that woman. We were just having a conversation the other day about a post that specifically touched her, and I told her that her team goes out of our way to give her flowers because her impact is bigger than herself. I'm sure she knows this, people say it all the time--but it won't truly hit her until one day when the journey is behind her and she's sitting on her front porch, by herself, retired from this world and immersing herself in the reflection of how she did it. For her to be the face of so much, she somehow manages to individualize her time to so many. Me, her team. Clients. Anyone who reached out to her. She sacrifices so much of her own selfishness for us, ladies. Necole, I just hope that, even in those times when you're frustrated, or you question it, or even when you wish you may have chosen differently, that you know that. I love you, sis!"
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"My Mother Was My First Investor. And This Must Be Normalized."
"I Took A Break From My Ambitions For A Year To Self-Heal"
"The Ups And Downs Of Explaining Complicated Careers To Family Members"
"What It Means To Hold Space For Yourself And Your Community"
"10 Black Women Pulling Up To The C-Suite On The Boards Of Fortune 500 Companies"
Teisha Leshea
Age: 33
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: January 2020-present
Most Common Verticals: "Inspiration and wellness are the bulk of my articles."
"xoNecole provides women with a voice without judgment. It allows women from all walks of life to give perspective on things that aren't talked about. It enables me as a writer to challenge myself and tap into my vulnerabilities. Necole is a real example of what transition looks like. She carved a lane for herself that can't be duplicated. It was original. The fact that she trusts and honors her team is commendable.
"Necole, I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for inspiring and encouraging women to be the best versions of themselves. Thank you for allowing a little unknown writer like me to tell my story."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"It's OK To Not Want Children"
"5 Holistic Ways I Take Care Of My Vaginal Health"
"Dear Queen: I've Struggled To Love You Correctly"
"Start Your Spiritual Journey Today With These 5 Easy Steps"
"No More Monday Blues: A Prayer For When You Need God's Strength To Carry You Through"
Erica Green
Age: 38
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: November 2019-present
Most Common Verticals: Beauty & Fashion
"I often tell people that Necole's story is one of my favorites. Her story is one of determination, courage, strength, grit, sacrifice, and heart. We live in a world that often celebrates inauthenticity and doing whatever is necessary to stay relevant. So, to see a woman walk away and start over at the pinnacle of her career because it no longer served her or fulfilled her is the most authentic, boss shit I've ever seen. She recognized that she had evolved and had the courage to walk in her new truth. That will forever be beautiful to me."
"I remember the first time I saw Necole in person. It was at her ElevateHer event in 2019. I remember seeing her walk out and stand in the back not too far from where I was sitting. As she looked around at the crowd of beautiful black women who had gathered there because of her, she cried. It literally gave me goosebumps. You see, I stepped out of my comfort zone to attend that event in Atlanta. I drove from North Carolina by myself and only told my parents where I was going. I knew if I invited someone to come along, I would have hid behind whoever I was with and would not have put myself out there like I did. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Prior to attending the event, I knew of her transition to xoNecole so I didn't expect to be so inspired after hearing her story in person. But, it fueled me. It rejuvenated me. It motivated me. And the fact that she looked like me (a black woman) was even more inspiring.
"At the time I had recently started my own blog but was unsure if I should stick with it and really pursue my passion for writing. What I took from her story that day was to do it. Do it even if people don't understand. Do it even if people think you're crazy. Do it even if you lose friends or money. Do it even if you have to do it scared. A few months later, I met Necole again. This time we talked for over 30 minutes about life, being single and dating. She's so easy to talk to by the way. We followed each other on Instagram and as they say, the rest is history. If you had told me that I would one day be writing for such an incredible woman and her amazing platform, I wouldn't have believed you.
"Necole once said at an event I attended that she is so motivated by a line from a Beyonce song. If I remember correctly the song was 'Formation'. Well Necole, I was motivated by something you said at ElevateHer. I hear it every time I doubt myself. Every time I want to quit. Every time I think I waited too long to write and be the type of woman I want to show up as in this world. You said, 'It's never too late to become the person you want to be.' That has and will always stick with me. Thank you for not only giving me a chance to write for your platform but thank you for inspiring me and pushing me to live and show up in this world as my highest self. Congratulations on year 5! This is just the beginning of what I know will be an epic journey!"
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"These Black Plant Moms Are Cultivating Self-Care Through Houseplants"
"Before You Quit Your Day Job, Check Out This Advice From Six-Figure Entrepreneur Pauleanna Reid"
"I Met Him In An UberPOOL & Now We're Married!"
"How To Lower Stress Levels At Work"
"How This Freelance Photographer Manifested The Career Of Her Dreams"
D'Shonda Brown
Age: 24
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: March 2020-present
Most Common Verticals: Exclusive Interviews, "Money Talks" and "Finding Balance"
"xoNecole definitely means a lot to me because the content is so versatile. As a woman in her mid-20s, it's so important for me to find relatable content where I feel as though the writers are my girlfriends and I have a genuine bond with people who are keeping it real with me. As a writer, this platform has helped me grow in unimaginable ways between my editors, my colleagues and even people who have followed my work because of my bylines in xoNecole. It's taught me to really push myself out of my comfort zone and there will always be a tribe of dope Black women there to support me no matter what I write and how I write it.
"I've been riding with Necole Kane since Necole Bitchie. To see her transformation into this renowned lifestyle brand that's bigger than just her is incredible to say the least. I absolutely admire her and it would be an honor to be able to replicate a sixteenth of the things that she's done for Black women. I'm now part of Necole Kane's family that contributes to the growth of Black women everywhere who are always reading our stories about sex, friendships, traveling, mental health and so many other things that show people that Black women are fabulous, we're human and we bleed blood and feel feelings just as anyone else does."
"To Necole: Watching you has been a pleasure and I spoke you into existence. I don't know if you remember, but back in January, I put in my Instagram story (and tagged you) that one day I would write for xoNecole. You reposted me and said, 'Yes, manifestation!', and at that moment, God heard you and myself and knew that two powerful forces wanted the same thing. Thank you for helping one of my dreams to write for xoNecole come true and I look forward to growing with you and your brand."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"'Insecure's Premiere Is A Reminder It Might Be Time To Break Up With Your Molly"
"A Peek Inside Tank, The Lover"
"[Exclusive] Justine Skye On How She's Taken Her Journey To Self-Love By The Reins"
"I Said Goodbye To Negative Self-Talk"
"How Black Girl Magic Is Building An Online Community Through TikTok"
Kiara Byrd
Age: 29
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: June 2020-present
Your Most Common Verticals: Inspiration, Workin' Girl, Wellness
"xoNecole means to me that when we come together and empower each other, anything is possible. As a writer, I was lacking inspiration to continue my writing. Because of the xoNecole platform, I have been able to really tell my story and give others space to share their stories too. Watching Necole Kane's story reminded me that, despite the dark days, my story means something. Creating something positive from past experiences is how to gain back your power.
"Manifestation is real. This platform saw my potential in my blogs and gave me a chance to fall in love with writing again. I never considered myself a writer and now I am proud to add this title as a part of who I am. Now I have been able to challenge myself and connect with other writers where we motivate each other to keep our creative juices flowing.
"Necole, you have given me the space to be confident in myself again. I am more than my 9-5 and this platform has allowed me to give life to the creative that has lived inside of me all along."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"In Order To Evolve, I'm Breaking Up With 'Healing'"
"The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have"
"These Mental Health Advocates Are Empowering Black Men To Take Up Emotional Space"
"Ladies, Here's The Tea On The Best Places To Travel When We Finally Escape Quarantine"
Zoe Hunter
Age: 31
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: 2018-2019
Most Common Verticals: Inspiration & Wellness
"As a woman, xoNecole embodies the many dimensions that accompany our womanhood—so many of us are able to find ourselves in these articles. That's one of the things that keeps me drawn to its content. I find so many different parts of myself on this website and it's beautiful to experience. Similarly, the diversity of perspectives that reflect Black womanhood (and our experience) is beautiful. There is no 'respectability politics' at play here. It is a safe space for us all to exist and be heard. So many of our identities are represented here, and I enjoy that so much for us. xoNecole is a sisterhood, and for me, as a Black woman, that is critical.
"xoNecole gave me my start as a freelance writer. As a blogger that contributed pieces for my own website for so many years, I was always hesitant to call myself a writer. Was I good enough for that title? Did my perspective truly matter to folks outside of my immediate audience? Could I really get paid for this? xoNecole's answer was always yes.
"The site and its editors believed in me since my first submission. Sheriden (the managing editor) saw my worth as a writer before I was ever able to put a price tag on it. Necole made me feel valued both as a woman and a writer. The entire xoNecole team gave me the confidence I needed to consider myself a writer and to pursue other bylines. They gave me a space to share my experiences and perspectives, and to pour into women in ways that I wasn't able to on my own side of the internet. I will always love xoNecole for giving me that opportunity.
"Like many, I started following Necole since NecoleBitchie. Her evolution is wildly inspiring. Watching her exit her former path, to pursue something more meaningful for her...the risks she took in doing so is an unavoidable lesson in purpose. It reminds me to let go of anything that no longer serves me, and to never be afraid to start anew. Necole left everything NecoleBitchie afforded her to step into a fresh calling—and five years later, not only are we celebrating the evolution of this brand (the brand partnerships, the events, the podcast, the community she's cultivated), but we're still celebrating the evolution of Necole as a black creative and entrepreneur. How inspiring!"
"You following your purpose has inspired me in ways that you may not ever recognize. I thank you for sharing your passion with me—with all of us. Thank you for following God's calling on your life. Thank you for taking this risk. Thank you for continually, and intentionally, giving black women a chance. Thank you for honoring, celebrating, and representing the complexities of Black womanhood. Thank you for staying true to this mission. And thank you for pouring so much into yourself, that you're able to overflow unto those you lead. You are a gem!"
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"What Will Smith Taught Me About Setting Expectations"
"Changing The Narrative For Women When It Comes To Love And Dating"
"The Rise Of Hustle Culture & How It Impacts Our Well-Being"
"The Greatest Love Of All, In The Words Of 4 xoNecole Writers"
"For Women Who Feel Like They Have To Constantly Chase What's Next"
Ashley Renee
Age: 32
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: 2016-present
Most Common Verticals: Love & Relationships
"For me, xoNecole is a safe haven for me to express myself, share my thoughts, anecdotes and advice to women around the world. Watching Necole's story unfold has inspired me to never say never, made me want to be more brave and reiterated the fact that it's never too late to start over and life is just a journey, it's up to you to fill it with beautiful experiences.
"Necole you have helped my platform grow, and me grow! The day I got hired as a contributor for xoNecole was the day I decided to quit a job I loathed and have been thriving as a writer ever since. Your journey has been an inspiration to me long before xoNecole and your growth has ignited my fire to keep going! I will always appreciate you for the opportunity and will continue to root for you with every stage you go through."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"He Told Me He Would Kill Himself If I Left"
"Thank You Ne-Yo: A Letter From A Wife To A Married Man"
"How I Afford To Travel The World Without Breaking Bank"
"August Alsina Speaks On Devotion To Jada Pinkett-Smith: 'I Deeply Loved Her'"
"I Am Not Your Ride Or Die: What We All Can Learn From Keri Hilson"
Shonda White
Age: 38
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: 2015-present
Most Common Verticals: Love/Relationships, Life, Career
"xoNecole helps reassure me that my voice as a Black woman matters. It allows me to be authentically me. The platform allows me to be transparent with other women with the hopes that they, too, will embrace their authenticity, realize they're not alone, and come to know that their feelings and experiences are real and valid. Before I started writing for xoNecole, I wasn't sure if what I had to say was worth saying, let alone something that people wanted to hear. Although I didn't need xoNecole to validate who I was or the gift God gave me, writing for the xoNecole audience and seeing how my words resonated with so many women further confirmed that I had something to say and there were women waiting to hear it.
"Now, more than ever, I trust my voice and the gift that God has given me. I've been empowered because of xoNecole and people like Necole and Sheriden (the managing editor) who helped build my confidence, improve my writing skills, and nurture this gift. To be able to pen and share my stories, as well as the experiences of other incredible Black women, along with many other talented xoTribe writers, is something I do not take lightly. It's more than an opportunity; rather, it's another way for me to be used as a vessel to encourage, empower, and even entertain women.
"I'll never forget when Necole first announced her rebrand, she said: 'If I'm not relevant for the right reasons, I'd rather not be relevant at all.' Nowadays, it's easy to become consumed with being popular, so much so that we miss being purposeful. However, Necole's journey showed me how critical and how rewarding it is to walk and live on purpose - not just for yourself, but for those who are helped and impacted because of it. Watching Necole's journey is a wonderful reminder that purpose is what gives life meaning whether you impact one life, 10 lives, 1,000 lives, or a million. Her journey reminds me to trust the God-given vision within myself even when it doesn't make sense to anyone else.
"Necole's journey makes you really think and ask yourself, 'What am I doing with what God has given me,' and 'Am I using it to help serve others?' Despite everything that she's gone through, her journey is proof that there's power in the pivot, and even though you can't start your life over completely, you can always start a new chapter. Necole has been like a mentor to me, and watching how the site has evolved over the years has truly been a journey. It's a blessing to see how the audience has grown not just in numbers, but emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually because of the stories, expert advice, and experiences shared."
"Personally, I've evolved as a more fearless writer and contributor, and I have even expanded the types of verticals I cover (interviews, events/entertainment, career, etc.). Working with and for Necole has opened up so many doors in ways that I never would've imagined. I proudly wear the xoNecole name as a 'Black girl badge of honor'. I also understand, however, that as the platform continues to grow and as our fearless leader, Necole and her vision continues to grow, I, too, must continue my growth journey. As a contributor, I have a responsibility to help fulfill her vision, while inspiring others to fulfill theirs as well (including myself).
"I'll say this: Necole, please know that the sacrifices you've made and the seeds you've sown (including those unbeknownst to us) have yielded a harvest not just for yourself, but for so many Black women like me. You've given power to our voices. Thank you for giving me a chance, for giving us a platform via your platform, for helping me find purpose through my pain, for teaching me how to trust my voice, and for showing that I am equipped and more than capable of doing extraordinary things."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"Don't Be A Wife To A Boyfriend: 10 Lessons I Learned When I Was Single"
"What The Ciara's, Cassie's & Karrueche's Of The World Have Shown Us About Moving On & Moving Up"
"What Michelle Obama Taught Us About Becoming More Than Just Somebody's Wife"
"Thank You Beychella: 6 Reassuring Realities Every Woman Should Embrace"
"How Artist Melissa Mitchell Manifested A Groundbreaking Deal With Spanx"
Courtney Simpson
Age: 31
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: "2017, I think. (TBH, it's been a while so not sure exactly when)."
Most Common Verticals: Style/Beauty
"'The world sees you and needs to hear your story' is what xoNecole means to me as a Black woman and a writer. While watching Necole Kane's journey, I saw a woman taking control of her success in a way that I hadn't seen before. The way Necole pivoted in such a transparent way was extremely aspirational to me, especially since I was pivoting myself. By being a part of the xoNecole family, I am inundated in an environment that is challenging, empowering, and supportive. Every step of my career has been helped by the building blocks I've learned at xoNecole.
"Necole, thank you for your vulnerability and willingness to be transparent on your journey. And, thank you for giving me the confidence to do the same. We need more leaders who are committed to leading through honesty and empowerment."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"#PullUpOrShutUP: Beauty Brands Are Asked To Release Their Numbers Of Black Employees And Execs"
"We Failed Megan. Point Blank And Period."
"Gina Prince-Bythewood On 'The Old Guard' & Creating Space For Black Women In Hollywood"
Shanelle Harris
Age: 26
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: 2017-present
Most Common Vertical(s): xoMan
"As a Black Woman, this site is important and stands out from the rest because it's a space solely and unapologetically dedicated to Black Women. It's a space that evolves as we evolve, as I evolve. With every passing year, my interests and needs change and xoNecole always has content that meets me where I'm at and where I'm going. As a writer, this site gives honest, relevant persepctives from women who look like me and with whom I feel aligned with. It's a safe space to tell our stories, amplify our voices with no reservations or apologies.
"Necole's journey is a reminder that it's OK to walk away from anything that doesnt serve you holistically. Black women are multi-faceted creatures and it's important to surround ourselves in places and with things that help develop, magnify, and celebrate all of that. Necole's journey is also a reminder that people don't have to be onboard with your decision to grow in order for you to evolve. You don't need a cosign, permission, or backing to follow your calling. And that's on period!"
"On a personal level, Necole has always seen and believed in my potential from the very first article I ever wrote. She's consistently been there to provide honest feedback and insight into things when I didn't really understand. She's never been shy about helping me improve and has allowed me the space and extended the grace to evolve alongside her and the xoNecole brand. For that, I'll forever be grateful.
"If I could summarize what Necole means to me in one sentiment, it would be overwhelming gratitude. You see things in people that they sometimes don't rightly see in themselves, never lose that. You are kind, you're a light, and you're dedicated. Never change for anything or anyone, the world needs what you have."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"Jada Pinkett Smith Wants You To Chill With The Negative Self-Talk"
"Tracee Ellis Ross Breaks Down Her Iconic Style"
"Luke James On Love, Intimacy & Who He Is As A Lover"
Dayana Preval
Courtesy of Dayana Preval
Age: 27
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: December 2019-present
Most Common Verticals: "I live in the Life & Travel section. I'm all about sharing personal stories and motivating the next woman."
"xoNecole means so much to me because as a Black woman, I feel seen. I love that xoNecole doesn't limit the narrative and the beauty of Black women. I don't have to fit into the box that society wants Black women to fit in so badly. xoNecole also helped with my courage to tap into my own voice as a writer. It's beautiful to see how women are healing and relating to my content because I decided to be vulnerable and in return, I get to help others. There's no better feeling than knowing that I am making a difference in the lives of black women with my words. I'm so grateful to be a part of this sisterhood.
"Necole is the perfect example of going all in and following your heart. Necole has helped me to realize that I'm not crazy for following my own dream. To see Necole being the Black woman she is and accomplishing what she has is admirable. It's a reminder that it's OK to go all in and invest in myself. I get the pleasure to chat with Necole often and I've learned so much about from her about gratitude, putting people first, and more. Working for xoNecole has been a blessing in many ways. It's challenged me to continuously find new ways to connect with Black women. It's also been a saving grace because, for the first time, I'm experiencing a work culture that I truly enjoy.
"Necole is such a beautiful and genuine soul. I've had the pleasure of getting to know Necole personally and I'm so grateful. Necole has so much knowledge and life experience and you can tell she's passionate about people. Her energy is so pure and loving. Her level of transparency makes it very easy to love her because she's not judgemental and she cares. Necole has made such a positive impact for Black women in media. I'm so excited to see how she continues to grow."
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"Here's What's Blocking You From Manifesting"
"How To Maintain Your Mental Health & Sustain Healthy Friendships At The Same Time"
"From Dropout To Self-Made Entreprenuer, Pauleanna Reid Paved A Lane All Her Own"
"How To Practice Social Media Self-Care & Keep Your Peace"
"Are You Good Sis? We Need To Discuss Black Women & Suicide"
Amer-Marie Woods
Age: 34
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: 2019-present
Most Common Verticals: Travel, Life & Travel, Politics
"Honestly, the xoNecole brand has been extremely instrumental in amplifying my voice at a time when I was going through a major life transition. xoNecole provided me a space to redefine how I use that new voice to impact other women. Especially Black women. There are very few internet publications that allow Black women to tell multidimensional stories but xoNecole created a safe space for our authenticity. This is a brand that celebrates and uplifts the unique excellence that is Black women. I couldn't be more grateful for an opportunity to be a new writer, podcast host and content creator while being embraced by the xoNecole tribe.
"What sticks out most to me is not necessarily the pivot but the rebuild. People always praise the pivot but they don't give the rebuild the respect it deserves. It takes a lot of patience to rebuild something from the ground up and even more to become successful. Doing it twice is unimaginable. So the biggest lesson I learned from Necole's journey is how to have tenacity and perseverance. Anyone can change directions but it takes a leader to be able to drive an entire company to the next level. That requires an extreme sense of self and confidence that most people lack. Watching it in real time grow to a success is a lesson you can't learn anywhere else. It gives me the confidence to go out and conquer the ideas that I think are the wildest knowing that another woman who looks like me and is like me has already done it successfully."
"My work on the platform has transformed from writing travel content to political journalism to podcasting. These are absolutely opportunities that no one else would have offered me, especially being new to media. Necole had the foresight and vision to see what I was not able to see in myself. She empowered me to be able to create the work that I was not sure I was capable of doing. Being new to anything can be a scary journey, Necole made sure that I was uplifted and supported. This ultimately gave me the confidence I needed to continue develop. That in itself is invaluable. There are a lot of people who are scared to share the knowledge they have in fear that someone else may take what they have created. Necole exudes leadership in a very different way by giving those around her an opportunity to shine."
"Necole, you are probably one of the strongest people I know. You have lived a lot of life and you have navigated it fiercely. There were so many things that were stacked against you and you could have easily given up on your dreams. However, you wanted so much more for yourself and you went after it fearlessly. You have inspired so many women to be authentically themselves and chase after the things that scare them the most. Thank you for sharing that gift with so many of us. You have a very big heart and an incredibly kind spirit that is uncommon to find in most people. There is no telling how many lives you have saved, how many hearts and minds you have touched but thank you for doing this work. Thank you for using your voice, thank you for being an inspiration, thank you for being you, and thank you for being my friend. Cheers lady, you deserve it!"
Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"I don't have any favorite articles, I enjoy the content as a whole body of work. Each piece is a vibe that I need to celebrate myself and the women around me who mean the most."
Jamie Harrison
Age: 31
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: May 2019 - present
Most Common Verticals: Love & Relationships and Career
"Growing up, I always aspired to write for a publication that caters to Black women. Representation is very important for women of color and xoNecole celebrates the sheer essence of Black women. xoNecole shines a light, unlike any other, on the beauty, the class and the versatility of the Black woman. I appreciate being able to contribute to this site and I thoroughly enjoy reading articles from other writers!
"Learning about Necole's strength, resilience and tenacity inspires me as a creator and a Black woman. It shows that you can do anything that you put your mind to! I'm grateful that Necole has created a safe and welcoming space for me and other Black women. As a content creator, it's refreshing to have a platform where Black women can be their true selves – and I'm even more grateful to be a part of that!
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Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"xoNecole Founder Necole Kane On How Bodybuilding Helped Her Battle Depression"
"What We Tend To Get Wrong About Finding Mr. Right"
"The Fundamentals Of Self-Care When You're Young, Black & Woke"
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Age: 29
Time Spent Writing for xoNecole: "2015 - present. I write very occassionally now since transitioning from writer to managing editor but I'm always happy to get in where I fit in."
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Top 5 Favorite Articles:
"Why Are Women Accepting Bare Minimum As Bae-Material?"
"5 Women On The Truth About Living Alone"
"We Talked To Over 20 Men About The Things They Like In Bed But Won't Ask For & Whew Chile..."
"Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members"
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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