A few days ago, I was fortunate enough to come across an Instagram post that was so good, I saved and then “starred” it in my Gmail account. It was talking about friendship and started out with a man saying, “Some people don't want friendship; they just want friends.” Then, roughly 90 seconds later, his message ended with, “This is just information.” If you want to watch it, you can here.
The reason why I brought it up for this article is because, although everything that he said was good and necessary (in my opinion at least), what I appreciated the most is how he ended all of his points by basically saying, “It’s just information to consider, y’all. Do with it what you will.”
That’s how I feel about certain things that I personally think some folks have a tendency to take way too seriously and literally. Things like what? Zodiac signs, for one. Although I am a proud Gemini and I will agree that, for better or for worse, there do seem to be some character traits that are spot-on with different signs, you will never (EVER) hear me say or recommend that you select friends or partners based on when their birthday is (what in the world?!). Or love languages.
Do I think that words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts are some of the main ways that people prefer to receive love? Sure. Do I think they are the only ways? How is that even possible?
And then there are the four attachment styles that have been coming up, what seems like now more than ever, over the past several years. Do I believe that the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby along with the research assistance of psychologist Mary Ainsworth were onto something when they came up with what is now widely known as the attachment theory? Absolutely. Do I think that some folks go to the extreme when trying to process what they should do with the data that’s attached to it? Words cannot express just how much.
To me, what all of these things have in common is the fact that, as the brother said in the Instagram post that I referred to, “It’s just information” — intel, data, knowledge, messages, clues even that can help you to “expand a picture,” so that you can make wiser relational decisions. That said, though, should you solely bank on zodiac signs, love languages, and/or attachment theories when choosing a partner, deciding how to communicate with them, and/or if you should remain with them? Well, I’ll put it to you this way: If you have a 100-piece puzzle to put together and you’ve only got three pieces assembled, is it complete? #justsomethingtothinkabout
Still, you can tell from the title of this message that I do think that attachment styles hold some merit. So, let’s briefly discuss what all four of them are, why it’s something that you should want to learn about when it comes to yourself and others, and also how to use the information practically and responsibly — so that the intel helps the relationship instead of sabotages it.
Ready?
What the Word “Attachment” Means and the Attachment Theory Is All About
GiphyIf you were to Google quotes on the word “attachment,” you would find results that might confuse you about it, if you’re not careful. What I mean by that is, that it would appear that there are more warnings about getting attached (especially to people) than encouragements. Take the quote by author Steve Maraboli: “The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”
Or this one by French philosopher Simone Weil: “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” Or this one by writer Norman O. Brown: “Love without attachment is light.” Hmph. Maybe it’s just me but it seems like one thing that all of these sayings have in common is, “Don’t get too attached.” (Bookmark that. I’ll circle back around to that point in just a bit.)
Okay so, just what does it mean to have an attachment to someone or something?
In general, it’s “a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion; regard.” When it comes to the attachment theory, it’s more like “an emotional bond between an infant or toddler and primary caregiver, a strong bond being vital for the child’s normal behavioral and social development” and then, as we get older, it becomes “an enduring emotional bond that develops between one adult and another in an intimate relationship.”
So, basically what the attachment theory is saying is, well, it’s part of the reason why one of my favorite quotes is “Adulthood is surviving childhood” — it’s the belief that how you attached to your parents explains how you will attach to others, especially romantically, once you are grown.
Now according to Bowlby, when it comes to the attachment theory specifically, there are “character traits” of attachment.
- Proximity maintenance: the longing to be close to our attachments
- Safe haven: seeking out our attachments for safety and comfort when a threat is present
- Secure base: the attachment being a form of stability as the child steps out to explore
- Separation distress: anxiety that transpires whenever the attachment isn't present
And based on what kind of attachment style a child has experienced, these traits can manifest in some interesting ways once they become an adult.
Keeping all of this in mind, let’s explore what the four attachment styles are. Honestly, each attachment style could be its own article; however, for the sake of your time and my space, I’m just going to briefly touch on each one.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #1: Secure Attachment Style
GiphyWhen a baby/young child’s physical and emotional needs were consistently (consistently is key) met by their parents (or parent or primary caregiver — I’m going to just say parents moving forward, though), that creates a sense of stability and confidence. Since their parents were so reliable and dependable, that gives the child the ability to explore, play, and learn outside of their parents which helps them to become more empathetic and emotionally mature. As a direct result, once they become adults, they typically have a strong sense of self-worth and healthy relationships and they are strong listeners and communicators.
Without question, having a secure attachment style is the ideal.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #2: Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment Style
GiphyWhen a baby/young child’s needs are inconsistently met by their parents, they quickly begin to feel or believe that they can’t fully trust the people who are taking care of them which can make them quite anxious. As a result, there is quite a bit of internal conflict that transpires because, while they are uncomfortable when their parents aren’t present, they aren’t exactly comforted by their return either (because again, full trust is lacking). And if you can’t really trust your own parents, you definitely are going to struggle with trusting others.
This oftentimes means that, once they become adults, they can put people through a lot of tests and challenges to get close to them, and then they will overwhelm those same people out of fear of being left alone. Once the relationships end, they don’t typically handle the transition very well either.
Basically, closeness makes them nervous and distance does too.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #3: Avoidant Attachment Style
GiphyWould you be surprised that a commitment-phobe has an avoidant attachment style? Pretty sure that it makes all of the sense in the world. Here’s how someone becomes that way — whenever a baby/young child doesn’t get the emotional support that they need (even if their physical ones are being met), the child comes to the conclusion that they shouldn’t rely on others in an emotional way (hmph — think about all of the people on social media who base relationships on money and material things; makes you wonder, right?).
This could lead to children who trust other people, even strangers, more than their own parents; in fact, sometimes these are the kids who prefer to avoid their parents altogether. Once they grow up, though, they can oftentimes be poor emotional/relational communicators, they tend to prefer to keep things surface and shallow, and/or they may know a lot of people, but they aren’t really intimate (especially emotionally) with any of them.
Since the foundation of intimacy was shaky, it’s hard for them to “build” with others.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #4: Disorganized Attachment Style
GiphyChaotic. Confused. Unpredictable. These are the words that come to my mind when I think of what is known as disorganized attachment style. A baby/young child who deals with this usually comes from a home that consisted of quite a bit of trauma and/or fear. Because their environment was so emotionally erratic, they tend to be too. As adults, these individuals are the “come close, go away” folks. They are the ones who, right when you think they are about to be “all in,” they run. Hell, I’d venture to say that someone with a disorganized attachment style probably came up with the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people” — because, on some level, they tend to do to others what was done to them.
Something else to keep in mind about this particular attachment style is, that because they probably took care of their parents (one way or the other), they may see relationships — even ones that they want and need — as work instead of a benefit because they weren’t given the opportunity and freedom of being a child when they actually were one.
Okay, so if you didn’t already know all of this, now that you have this information, what attachment style would you consider yourself to be? My recommendation would be to not assume and actually take a quiz. You can do so here, here, or here, if you’d like. If you’re in a relationship (or you’d like to learn more about your friends and their attachment style), shoot them those links too.
The Benefits of Knowing Someone’s Personal Attachment Style
GiphyAight, so with all of this foundation laid, let’s get to the main point and purpose of this article: how much should you factor in your partner’s (or potential partner’s) attachment style when it comes to your relationship with them? Honestly, like I said earlier, I think it’s just…a puzzle piece.
A big part of the reason why I say that is listen, if someone came up in some inconsistent ish, it’s me — and yet, every time I take an attachment test, it says that I have a secure attachment style. I think one reason is because the way I feel about each of my parents is quite different which can bring balance to what I missed from one and gained from the other. I also think that, as my mother has told me on many occasions, I am “violent about my growth and my peace” (it’s one of the best things that she has ever said to/about me too) and so a lot of self-work has been done to become a holistically healthy and balanced individual.
And you know what? Similar things can be said about someone else. If they do happen to have another type of attachment style, while that may explain some things about them, if they are willing to do the work to have a healthy relationship — what’s the problem? Case in point: I know a guy who was a commitment phobe for years. I also know about his childhood and it was traumatizing as hell. His dating experience with his now-wife was a bit rocky yet he did the self-work and, because she knew about his attachment style beforehand, she was patient while he did.
Yeah, that’s one of the things that I think is highly unfortunate about the state of our culture these days.
So many people are so selfish and caught up in immediate gratification that they don’t get that all of us need some mercy, grace, and understanding. All of us have a backstory that we would appreciate some gentleness with. All of us are works in progress when it comes to being better partners.
So, what are you saying, Shellie — that if my partner is uncomfortably clingy and I figure out that they have an anxious attachment style that I should just…deal with it? No, what I am saying is if your partner is uncomfortably clingy, you know about their childhood stuff and they are willing to do some healing, if there are so many other things about them that are awesome, you should consider supporting and encouraging them through the transformation process.
Because now you are fortunate enough to have information that explains what’s going on — and sometimes, just knowing what’s up can change…everything.
Attach or Not Attach. That Is the Question.
GiphyAll of this brings me back to what I said I would address: Is having an attachment to someone a “bad” thing? Personally, I look at it in a similar way that I do to expectations. I don’t trust people who say to not get attached to anyone or thing in life and I also don’t trust people who say to never expect anything. To me, that doesn’t sound like sound advice; that sounds like bitterness and pain.
Now REALISTIC attachments and REALISTIC expectations? See, I’m all about that. In fact, one of my favorite Message Version Scriptures of the Bible says, “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18) Being realistic is about approaching things from a place of practicality and accepting what is real instead of romanticizing matters. And if you are going to be devoted to something or someone, you should be REALISTIC about what you are getting yourself into.
In other words, it’s one thing to be attached to someone (in a healthy way) who is attached to you (in a healthy way) — sometimes attachment styles show us that we’re involved in something that’s quite different.
Sometimes, we are trying to have a relationship with someone who has a certain attachment style and they have no interest in reciprocity or moving forward. And while their style may explain why, if they are fine with how things are and you aren’t — that can be an unhealthy attachment because you are devoted to someone who isn’t really devoted to you. Again, it’s not (just) about what their childhood was like; it’s about how they are handling their childhood as adults.
If a man is constantly avoiding you, his attachment style may help to explain why yet what he is doing is still a conscious decision. To justify or excuse it? That is an unhealthy attachment.
A healthy attachment is when two people realize that some things were probably missing in their childhood which explains some things about who they are now, they are not expecting their partner to overcompensate for any of it (an article unto itself), they are giving each other space to grow and evolve and they are each doing the work to make themselves (first) and the relationship (second) better.
___
There are all kinds of television shows, podcasts, social media posts, and articles about how if someone has a certain attachment style, you should flee — that is so extreme and to a certain extent, pretty unfair. We can’t control the parents that we had — we can only control the adults we are now.
Attachment styles are puzzle pieces…data…information. Treat it as a part of what makes a picture while not seeing it as the entire picture itself. Attach to that way of thinking and, one way or another, relationships will be beneficial for you. Because you are attaching in a healthy, practical, and realistic kind of way. The way attachments should be.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Luckily, there are some things that you can do to either speed up the healing process of a cold or make having one more bearable than usual. Things that are affordable, all-natural, and easy to incorporate into your daily routine.
Are you ready to know how to nip a damn cold in the bud…before you even get one?
Here ya go.
1. Fire Cider
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Two drinks that I am gonna drink all the way down, each and every fall season, are hot chocolate and apple cider (that’s warmed up). So, when I read about something called “fire cider,” it absolutely caught my attention. If you’re not familiar with it, fire cider is a homemade drink that consists of things like apple cider vinegar, herbs and other ingredients that are specifically designed to boost your immune system.
I won’t lie to you — since some of the traditional recipes contain things like onion and garlic (sulfur has potent medicinal properties) and sometimes even hot peppers (which help to clear up congestion) — although fire cider might not be your favorite as far as your palate is concerned, the viruses (because there are reportedly somewhere around 200 of ‘em) that cause colds will lose a lot of their impact if you drink this; and that makes it worth a shot — well, swallow. Some fire cider recipes can be found here, here and here.
2. Probiotics
A few years ago, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” — and that alone should explain why and how a probiotic can help to prevent colds and make it easier to get over them. The reality is that a healthy gut is what helps to monitor how your immune system reacts and responds to harmful pathogens that may try and get into your system, including ones that cause the common cold.
And since probiotics feed your gut with “good bacteria,” this gives your gut the ability to be better (and quicker) at fighting off the bad. So yeah, take a probiotic — all of the time and definitely while you have a cold. It helps.
3. Peppermint (or Eucalyptus) Oil
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Although I rarely get sick (praise the Lord!), when I do catch a cold, I think what I hate the most is not being able to comfortably breathe. Well, something that is proven to help with that is peppermint essential oil. That’s because it contains properties that act as a natural decongestant as well as a fever reducer. Another essential oil that can hook you up in this department is eucalyptus oil. It’s bomb because it helps to soothe a nagging cough, it can clear up chest congestion and ultimately makes it easier to breathe.
So, before turning in at night, either mix a few drops of one (or both) of these oils with a carrier oil like grapeseed, avocado or jojoba, warm it up for 10 seconds in the microwave and apply it to the sides of your nose or on your best or back. Or put the oil in a diffuser. It can quickly ease cold-related symptoms while also making it so much easier for you to rest (which is something else your body needs to get over a cold; more on that in a sec).
4. Zinc Lozenges
Zinc is a mineral that helps to keep your immune system healthy and strong — and since a weakened immunity is directly connected to having more colds (2-4 a year is considered to be “normal,” by the way), it’s always a good idea to have some zinc in your body. As it relates to colds, specifically, aside from the fact that zinc can help you from catching one to begin with, there are also studies which say that sucking on zinc lozenges can help to shorten the timespan of a cold as well.
To be fair, some people have said that zinc lozenges make them feel nauseated; however, everything has its pros and cons and so, how would you know if you’re one of these folks unless you try it? Oh, and while we are on this topic, there are also zinc supplements and foods that are high in zinc (like red meat, lentils, hemp seeds, cashews and quinoa) if you want to try and get more zinc into your system that way (although lozenges are gonna be your best bet on the shortening tip; just sayin’).
5. Foods Rich in Vitamin C
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Speaking of foods that can fight a cold, out of all of what you’ve read here, probably what you are quite familiar with is the fact that vitamin C and colds are mortal enemies. In fact, one pretty significant study says that by taking one gram of vitamin C a day during a cold, you can reduce the severity of your symptoms by as much as 15 percent.
That’s because vitamin C is packed with antioxidants, it helps to reduce bodily inflammation and it helps to strengthen your immunity too. Foods that are full of vitamin C include chili and yellow peppers, kale, kiwi, papaya, broccoli, kale and citrus fruits.
6. Elderberry Tea
If you’re someone who likes to put preserves on your biscuits or toast, have you ever tried one that is made from elderberries (recipe here)? It’s actually pretty good — and good for you because elderberries are high in vitamin C, fiber and antioxidants. And that is why they are great whenever you are trying to hurry up and get over a cold because they also contain properties that are literally antiviral — and since a cold is a virus…well, there you have it.
One of the best ways to get elderberries into your system? Elderberry tea. If you add honey to it, honey can help to shorten symptoms like a stuffy nose, sore throat and cough by 1-2 days. Very cool.
7. REST
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Did you know that even one day of not getting the sleep that you need to weaken your immune system and increase bodily inflammation at the same time too? That’s because one of the benefits of a good night’s rest is it rejuvenates and recharges your system, so that your immunity can work at its optimal level.
Not only that but, according to science, if you already have a cold, getting plenty of rest can benefit you on a few different levels as well. First, your cytokines (proteins that boost your immunity) are released when you sleep.
Second, your body temperature elevates enough to kill some of the bacteria and viruses that are making you sick. Finally, sleep provides you with the energy that you need in order to get through the day while you are healing from your sickness. So, if you want to get through your cold ASAP, be intentional about getting as much rest as you possibly can.
BONUS: A Humidifier
When you get a chance, please check out “10 Really Good Reasons To Get Yourself A Humidifier This Fall”. There really are all kinds of solid reasons to invest in a humidifier around this time of the year — and one of them is to make getting through the cold (and flu) season so much easier for you. Since humidifiers bring moisture into the air, that can help to loosen up congestion, soothe an irritated throat, decrease coughing, help with the healing process of respiratory infections and it can help you to sleep better — so that you can get past your cold sooner.
So, if you don’t already have a humidifier, cop one ASAP. Your future colds will absolutely hate that you did. LOL. For a list of some highly recommended humidifiers that are currently on the market, click here.
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