
7 Tips For Anxious Attachment Styles That'll Help You Love More Securely

Anxiety is something that can rear its ugly head in all sorts of places, whether it be at work, with self, or in our relationships with other people. Earlier this year, we spoke about attachment styles based on attachment theory, a concept that explores how parent-child relationships influence the way we love and form attachments in important relationships later in life. According to said theory, people form attachments in four ways: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. For a quick recap of the more anxiety-prone attachment styles – anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant – check out our article, "What Your Attachment Style Says About Your Love Life". Although there were four attachment styles discussed, in this article, we want to focus solely on the ones that speak more to the anxious types.
So, we recently spoke with award-winning psychotherapist and relationship expert, Rhonda Richards-Smith, who provided some real-life tips in an effort to help women navigate through some of these attachment styles while dating and in relationships with people.
Advice To Overcome Anxious Attachment Styles In Dating
1.Be prepared to unlearn a lot of things.
Many of us carry a "false sense of loyalty and legacy" when we think about the things that we were taught over the years as it relates to all types of relationships. As much as we respect and honor what our parents or guardians taught us, we also have to acknowledge that our parents don't know everything, and sometimes the advice is not applicable to our lives.
Rhonda recalled some of the wisdom her dearly departed grandmother (God rest her beautiful soul) would constantly tell her when it came to relationships. For example, she would say things like, "Just make sure they love you. Don't worry about you loving them back." Although Rhonda knew it was coming from a loving place because her grandmother wanted to protect her from hurt and disappointment, Rhonda also learned and knew that it wasn't necessarily true or the greatest advice for her. Moreover, just because she didn't necessarily agree with the advice doesn't mean she loved her any less.
Oftentimes, "we look at the source and not the quality of what people are saying. You can love someone, respect them, and care about them, but they can still give you advice that's just not applicable to your life." Nevertheless, Rhonda encourages us "to be mindful about the messages that we take in. We have to be critical about what our thoughts and our feelings are, and make sure that they're true to what we believe versus what others impose on us."
2.Be flexible in your relationships.
There's a tendency to assume that our current relationships will be exactly like the relationships we observed through our parents and family. For example, people who were raised in a home with both parents either: strive to replicate their relationship based on what they saw, or they will do whatever they can to make sure it looks nothing like what they witnessed. Conversely, for someone who grew up in a single-parent home, there isn't as much pressure to replicate what they saw. Hence, "it allows a bit more flexibility and creativity within the relationship."
Either way, we crave what's familiar even if it was chaotic or dysfunctional. So, if it doesn't show up in the relationship, then we assume it must not be a real, healthy or it must not be love. Moreover, when the relationship starts to look different from what we saw growing up, even if that "different" is good to us and good for us, it can feel like a "betrayal when we don't adhere to everything we saw or were taught."
Nonetheless, whether we came from a two-parent home or a single-parent home or some other dynamic, the reality is that "most of our parents or family members did the best that they could with what was at their disposal, but what may have served them then, may not serve you today."
Although it may feel uncomfortable or it may require some courage, give yourself permission to release certain traditions for the sake of your relationships. Be open to the fact that your journey may look completely different, understanding that what may have worked for someone else may not necessarily work for you.
3.Be committed to doing the self-work.
Not only is it important to consider what we take in from others, but we also have to think about what we're telling ourselves, as well as how we engage with our partners. Rhonda encourages us to seek clarity and consistency, and we do that by being vulnerable with the people we're with, the people we're surrounded by, and/or even with a therapist or trusted advisor.
Personally, I relate to both of these anxious attachment styles especially when it comes to feeling as if I'm waiting for the ball to drop or someone to hurt me. It wasn't until I started going to therapy and really started to dig deeper and realized that so much of who I am and my behaviors is directly connected to the absence of my father. Now, I'm able to better manage a lot of the anxiety and those feelings of doubt a lot better because of it; which in turn, is also helping my marriage as well as how my people-pleasing tendencies show up in other relationships.
So, don't be afraid to do the work and dig deeper by having real, open, candid conversations.
4.Be intentional about engaging in mutually beneficial relationships.
No matter the relationship – lover, family, friend, etc. – there has to be mutual work on both sides. It can't be one person doing all the work. For example, "Men have to be just as invested in making the relationship work as women are" whether that's through counseling, reading books, attending seminars, or more.
As Rhonda explained, "Both partners need to have an independent level of understanding and awareness. You have to find a happy medium. Otherwise, these anxiety-filled attachment styles can lead to all or nothing or an unhealthy dependence on each other."
5.Be willing to take risks.
There are never any guarantees when it comes to life and love. There will always be a risk, but how we were raised or the things we've been told have made some of us risk-averse.
Think about a time when you were actually going to take a risk, but then, someone discouraged you from doing it. Later, you realized that they were merely projecting their fear and reservations onto you. That's why Rhonda suggests that we actually start taking more risks in other areas of our lives. We can't just be risk-takers when it comes to relationships. "It has to be a lifestyle shift. The more you take risks in other areas of your life, the easier it'll be to do in your relationships."
6.Be ready and willing to forgive.
Contrary to the Disney princesses' fairy tale endings, life isn't perfect and neither are relationships. However, having a willingness to forgive prepares you for the inevitable ups and downs that will occur in your relationship. Hence, instead of immediately defaulting to planning an exit strategy due to anxiety, fear, or the thought of someone leaving you, you're more prepared for the disappointment and more likely to take a step back and figure out how it is that you're going to forgive.
Of course, if there are major red flags or unhealthy behaviors within the relationship, then, it might be time to decide if you should stay or go. But choosing to leave just because you're scared, anxious, or worried doesn't have to be your first option.
7.Be willing to shift your mindset and focus on the secure attachment style.
Part of managing or changing these attachment styles also means shifting your focus from what you're not doing well to more of what you should be doing. It's "understanding what the secure attachment style looks like, why it's important, and why it's the healthiest attachment style" when it comes to your relationships.
As with most anything in our lives, you have to have what Rhonda refers to as a "North Star". Metaphorically speaking, the North Star helps keep you grounded and focused. It's a constant, reliable force despite whatever else is going on around you. Let the secure type serve as a your "attachment style North Star" and a reminder for what you want to strive to be - "straightforward with people…avoiding passive aggressiveness." It's a reminder to be "clear and communicate with your partner in terms of your needs, and also be receptive to their feedback."
Ultimately, the goal is to have secure attachment so that regardless of the relationship, "you can weather storms in a healthy way, maintain your self-worth, and focus your energy on what could happen in the future versus what happened in the past."
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes: Your Sign’s Survival Guide
Another Mercury retrograde is here, and it is time to take a step back and process. This is the second out of the three Mercury retrogrades happening this year, and it will be occurring in the sign of Leo. Mercury has been in Leo since June 26 and will be retrograde from July 17 through August 10, and will remain in Leo before entering Virgo on September 2.
When Mercury is retrograde in Leo, we tend to take things a little more personally, and this Mercury retrograde is a reminder that in order to recognize the love and support we are looking for from others, we must first recognize it within us.
What To Know About Mercury Retrograde In Leo
With this Mercury retrograde happening in Leo, Leos, and fellow fire (Aries and Sagittarius) and fixed signs (Taurus and Scorpio) are going to be feeling this transit the most. This Mercury retrograde will highlight how you want to show up in the world, and if what you are presenting is what you feel authentically within you. Mercury in Leo says, speak your mind and own your voice.
Mercury retrograde in Leo, however, asks what the message you are trying to get across is in the first place, and if you are advocating for yourself enough in the process.
A rule of thumb during Mercury retrograde is to hold off on signing any important contracts or committing to something long-term, to be more careful with transportation and travel matters, and to make sure you have everything backed up when it comes to your electronics. Communication matters are the most affected while Mercury is retrograde, and it’s important to be more patient with others, give more grace, and have a sense of humor here.
Mercury Retrograde In Leo Horoscopes By Zodiac Sign
Overall, Mercury retrograde in Leo is all about self-reflection and honoring your voice with courage and conviction. You don’t have to be perfect to show up, and the person you are today is the person who is deserving of love, recognition, and support. Live your truth and shine your light, and don’t worry about whether others can see the light you have already found within yourself. It’s time to just be, show up, and let go of what doesn’t feel authentic to you.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what this Mercury retrograde has in store for you.
ARIES
With this Mercury retrograde happening in a fellow fire sign, things are hitting home for you right now, Aries, and there is a lot to process right now. Your heart wants to communicate its growth, but you can feel like your love is being misunderstood during this time as well. Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to recognize yourself as the powerful, valuable, and loved being you are, and to show up in life as the person you want to be seen as. It’s time to pick your head up, remember who you are, and prepare for new experiences in love to bloom from this time.
TAURUS
This Mercury retrograde is about emotionally rejuvenating, Taurus. You are ready to let go of some restrictions and limitations that have been weighing heavily on your heart, and you are taking a look at what foundations you have built that may need some reshaping right now. Dynamics change, relationships shift, people move, and it’s all about recognizing what you need to feel safer and secure in your surroundings. Your heart is open to a new beginning right now, and this energy is going to serve you well through this Mercury retrograde. Overall, it’s time to rebuild, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury is officially retrograde, and it’s time to go a little slower when it comes to communication, Gemini. Take your time in getting your message across, and make sure to gather all the details before making any important decisions. Mercury is your ruling planet, so whenever it is retrograde, you feel its impact a little more strongly than most; however, this time around, you have more support surrounding you, helping you through this. This retrograde is clearing the way for new ideas and creative intentions to come forth, and it’s time to own your power of creation, Gemini.
CANCER
This Mercury retrograde is here to remind you how valuable you are, Cancer. It’s helping you remember your gifts in this life, and the gift you are to others. Financially, this is the time to look over everything thoroughly and to make sure you are not making any impulsive financial moves for the time being. Old financial efforts or opportunities may be coming around for you again, however, and you might just find yourself in a better position to take them on. Overall, this Mercury retrograde for you is about being confident in yourself and what you are asking for right now, and knowing that your dreams are coming true in the exact timing and way they are meant to.
LEO
The second Mercury retrograde of the year is happening in your sign, and you are gaining the insight you have been looking for, Leo. When Mercury is retrograde in your sign, it’s time to take a step back and look at the different options presenting themselves. You are needing to readdress some old plans or initiatives, and you are getting to know yourself better in the process. This Mercury retrograde is an important moment of self-awareness for you, and you are feeling wiser and more in tune with the direction you are heading at the end of the transit. Practice self-love, and remember who you are.
VIRGO
This Mercury retrograde is asking you to go with the flow, Virgo. You are making some important achievements around the time of this retrograde, but are needing some space to fully grasp it all. Celebrations may feel like they are on hold, and you are getting a lot of time away to yourself right now. This Mercury retrograde is about healing the soul, letting go of old baggage, and allowing yourself to fully own the progress you have made emotionally, physically, and spiritually. When life feels unsure, there is one thing you can still be sure of and that is yourself. Look at the bigger picture over the next few weeks, and give yourself the time to do so.
LIBRA
This Mercury retrograde is bringing things full circle for you, Libra. You are embarking on an opportunity to get clearer on your support systems and sense of community, and dynamics are shifting when it comes to your friendships in life. You are looking at things with an open heart and mind, and creating space for new developments, resonance, and abundance to enter your world. This retrograde isn’t necessarily holding you back, rather, you are becoming more aware of what is already in front of you and the gifts you have manifested for yourself.
SCORPIO
It’s all about keeping the balance right now, Scorpio. This Mercury retrograde is highlighting your career and professional zone, and you are thinking a lot about how you are presenting yourself to the world, what you want to be known for, and the type of feedback you need. You are in a space of contemplation and may not be feeling the need to put all your energy out there or to make your ideas known right now. This retrograde is about giving yourself the opportunity to get clearer on your goals and professional intentions, and to gain the confidence and courage needed to take them on.
SAGITTARIUS
This Mercury retrograde is opening your eyes to what your heart needs right now, Sagittarius. You are connecting the dots and looking at things with a different perspective, creating more opportunities for connection and adventure. With Mercury retrograde in your house of travel over the next few weeks, extra precaution is needed on said adventures, however, there are a lot of opportunities for expansion ahead of you right now. It’s all about allowing yourself to receive what you have been looking for, and knowing that you are ready to. You have already done the work, and now it’s time to believe in what you are asking for from the world.
CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde feels a little more intense for you, but it’s the exact pressure you need to see things in a new light, Capricorn. Your focus is on communication, mental growth, and awareness of the things you have been putting off for another day, and it’s time to get things in order. A lot is coming to the forefront in your life during this retrograde and some important decisions are needing to be made, but you have learned the lessons needed in order to make the right decision for yourself right now. Things have been changing for you drastically this summer, and this retrograde is helping you see why.
AQUARIUS
Your guidance for this Mercury retrograde is to be kind to yourself and your heart, Aquarius. With this retrograde playing out in your opposite sign, you may feel a little bit at odds with where you find your heart right now. Relationship dynamics are shifting, and there is a sense of not feeling as understood as you need to be. This Mercury retrograde is here to highlight what your heart has been looking for and what may be in the way from feeling it. It’s a chance to regroup, find your balance, and to prioritize what is truly important to you in life.
PISCES
This Mercury retrograde is a wake-up call for you, Pisces. It’s examining where you need to shift the focus within health matters and the importance of prioritizing your well-being more. If you have been overworking yourself or exerting more of your time and energy than you have, than this retrograde will be highlighting the need to slow down. Getting more rest and downtime is essential now, and it’s all about knowing what you can say yes to and what you can’t.
Your well-being is the priority during this transit and this Mercury retrograde is guiding you in the direction towards good health and a daily routine that works for you no matter what is happening in your life.
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