Mr. Right. While I have absolutely no idea who originated that term, I was surprised to see that it was actually listed in the dictionary. For the most part, the general consensus is it means "a man who is viewed as an ideal romantic partner or potential spouse". Eh. I guess, for the most part, that will do. Well, let me step back a bit. While I do think the definition is fitting overall, it's actually the word "ideal" that trips me up a bit. I don't know about y'all, but on my quest to get to my own so-called Mr. Right, something that I've had to unlearn-to-relearn is sometimes what I consider to be ideal—like basing "rightness" solely on a man's looks, always falling for my type or putting sexual satisfaction over overall fulfillment—hasn't been very ideal (a standard of excellence) at all.
Praise the Lord that I am in a very different type of head and heart space now. I get the areas where I was oh so wrong about Mr. Right and, so that you won't have to go through some of the bumps and bruises that I've experienced, I wanted to share a bit of a "cheat sheet" to help you to figure out what your own Mr. Right should actually look and live like. As life would have it, all of these are based on definitions and synonyms of the word "right". You ready?
Right: in accordance with what is good
When it comes to this specific definition of the word "right", I personally think that it is an excellent place to start. I say that because, one of the biggest mistakes that a lot of us make when even considering who is a viable Mr. Right contender, is we don't stop and ask ourselves if someone is truly good for us (check out "Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?"). While there are a lot of definitions for good, the one that I really want to hone in on today is if someone is truly going to benefit us. This is important because, when something or someone is beneficial, it means that they are capable of being good to us and being of service to us, all the while helping us to improve (become a better person). While you might not be able to figure that out in the first couple of dates (and that's totally understandable), by date three, you should definitely feel comfortable enough to ask the hard—and by hard, I mean beneath the surface—questions. What are his values? What are his goals? Does he even want a long-term relationship (because if you do and he doesn't, what are y'all doing)? And if he does, why?
Something else that's really cool about this particular definition of right is the word "accordance" which means "agreement". God saw fit to create us with a mind, body and spirit (soul). I call it the human trinity. When trying to decide if someone is truly right for you, take time to ask yourself if your entire being is in agreement that this man is going to be good for you. If some part of you objects, figure out why because there is definitely something to it.
Right: in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle
Some of y'all ain't gonna like this one very much, so let me just say "sorry not sorry" in advance. Back when I was in a cyclic pattern of dating the same kinds of men, something that I had a big problem with was seeing what I wanted to see while ignoring the facts and truths of how those men were and what we were really doing. I think I've shared before that my third baby's daddy (check out "Why I Named The Children I Aborted" for context) was someone I was good friends with. The sex was also cool and, for the most part, there wasn't any drama. But after about a year in, he pulled my "truth card" when I said that I felt like he was taking me for granted (on the romantic tip) and his response was, "Shellie, you said from the beginning that you just wanted to be friends who had sex. You never gave me the chance to see you as a girlfriend. Don't blame me for holding up our end of the deal, just because your feelings have changed." Ouch. And yes.
You're not going to know if a man is truly right for you if you're not willing to base your decision on facts, reason and truth. Not your emotions. Not the chick flick that you've somehow conjured up in your head. Not all of the theories that your girlfriends (and aunties) have come up with. Get real. Get logical. Pay attention to the actual reality of what's going on—and what isn't going on. Then decide what your next move is, based on that. A lot of women have wasted precious time, effort and energy, by acting like a man did something wrong to them when the TRUTH is that they didn't want to deal with the FACTS. Please don't be one of them (or one of them anymore).
Right: Honest
Now let's get into some synonyms for the word "right" that I personally believe should apply in our quest for confirming who Mr. Right is in our lives. Honest is one of those words yet here's the interesting thing about it—a lot of people only associate it with telling the truth.
While you should want a man who is going to do that, think higher. When someone is honest, they are "honorable in principles, intentions, and actions". To be honorable is to be upright and credible. When a man is right for you, he is going to be upright and credible (which speaks to the consistency of his character) as it relates to his principles, his intentions and his actions. Not one of these things. ALL THREE.
Another cool definition of honest is "fair". Fair leans towards being objective. He is more interested in both of you seeing each other's perspectives and finding common ground than him being right all of the time. Two other definitions that I think are worth noting are frank and genuine. He isn't cryptic nor does he deflect. He also isn't fake. What you see is what you get, so there's no need to look for things that aren't there (some of y'all will catch that later). And still, another dope definition is "having a good reputation". Have mercy.
Be honest. When it comes to the men that you've dated in the past, have you put forth the concerted effort to see what his reputation is? Is he respected at work? Does he have a healthy set of friends? What does his family have to say about him? What has he shared were his own missteps in his past relationships? So many things can be avoided, if we simply take a man's reputation into account. Even the Bible says, "A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold." (Proverbs 22:1—NKJV) A guy isn't going to be right for you if he's out here not being right to those around him. Always factor in his reputation. It can be a real life—and heart—saver, if you do.
Right: Suitable
Anyone who's been rocking with my byline on here for a while now knows that I love to attach Scripture where it applies. Well, when you look at the first documented intimate relationship between a man and a woman in the Bible, the word "suitable" is mentioned. Genesis 2:18(AMPC) states, "Now the Lord God said, 'It is not good (sufficient, satisfactory) that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him.'" A man who is right for you is a man who is going to be suitable for you. A dope definition of suitable is becoming. A dope definition of becoming is appropriate. A dope definition of appropriate is "set apart for a specific purpose".
If nothing else sinks in from this read, please let this synonym of right dig into the very depths of your soul. The man who is really and truly right for you? He is going to be set apart for the specific purpose of loving you, cherishing you and adoring you. You won't have to worry about competing with other women. You won't have to be concerned with trying to "switch up" to make him like/love you more. And, most importantly, your own life's purpose/calling/work will not have to be compromised for the sake of maintaining the relationship. Since he's the right one, he has been customized to suit your life and your purpose. Period.
That doesn't mean he or the relationship will be perfect (no one, not even you, are perfect). What it will mean though is, unlike the past relationships where you had to work harder than you ever should have? This one won't require that kind of strenuous effort. Amen? AMEN.
Right: Justifiable
Hmph. I remember once being so into a guy that I really couldn't see straight. I was so engrossed in him that, no matter what questions my loved ones had for me, ones that should've encouraged me to totally pump my brakes, I absolutely wasn't trying to hear it. Listen, the people who really and truly care about you, they have lives of their own. What I mean by that is, their world isn't going to come to a crashing end, just because you got your heart broken or you found yourself in a stupid relationship. So, when they make the time to invest into your life and ask you to consider if some things about a guy might be red flags, you should take that to heart. Hear me when I say that I personally learned this the hard way.
That said, when a man is right for you, you won't have to sneak around. You won't have to be vague AF. You won't have to make excuses for him and/or why you are tolerating (or is it enduring?) all of his BS. The right man will be justifiable in the absolute best way possible because he will be the core meaning of the word—"to defend or uphold as warranted or well-grounded". Did you peep the "well-grounded" part? Yeah. Me too.
Right: Deserved
This synonym right here has me excited like a mug! Have you ever stopped to consider the fact that, if a man is right for you, he will be "qualified for a reward because of his actions and qualities"? Now here's something to keep in mind about the word "reward". It's not like receiving a simple gift or prize. A reward is "something given or received in return or recompense for service, merit, hardship, etc." A reward is what someone receives after service and sometimes even hardship transpires. While I'm definitely not encouraging you to "test your man" (how would you feel if he did that to you? Ugh), what I am saying is the right guy will be able to stick some things out with you. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Before that even happens, the right guy will be able to do what it takes to get you to trust him enough to know that he will be able to stick some things out with you (eh hem, as you do the same thing for him, please).
Last year, when I did a story that featured different Black female-owned T-shirt lines, one of the ones that I featured has a shirt that sums up this particular point perfectly. Tees in the Trap offers up a tee that simply says "Earn Me". Again, it's not about game-playing (playing hard to get is a game, by the way) or coming up with ways for a man to have to constantly prove his own worth and value to you. At the same time, what "earning you" is about, is having standards and then giving a man the space to see if he will rise up to them—or not. Because for someone to be Mr. Right, he needs to be deserving of you. And that takes time to discover.
Right: Due
Last one. While this, too, may ruffle a few feathers, this really is a great place to end this piece. Most times, when people ask me how I feel about being in my mid-40s and never married, the first thing I say is, "I'd rather be never married than on my third divorce" (because I know some people who fall right into that category). Then I follow that up with, "God doesn't owe me a husband." And He doesn't.
Matter of fact, the more I get into the space that the One who gave me life doesn't OWE me anything, that everything is a blessing, it helps to calm my spirit and accept that the right thing—including the right man—comes at the right time. I am not the only one who can determine that. God and my customized Mr. Right both play their own role and I'm perfectly OK with that…finally.
This is where the word "due" comes in. When something (or someone) is due, one of my absolute favorite definitions is, it/he "naturally belongs to someone". Every time I read that, it's like an "exhale" comes over my entire being. The right man for me, the right man for you—he will naturally belong. Timing plays a huge part in that.
Most of us are super grown at this point. This probably means that you've gotten it wrong about who your Mr. Right is, perhaps, more than once. But you survived, you're still here and your heart is still open—correct? Mr. Right is possible so long as you're being literal about "right" and what it entails. Here's to you finding your Mr. Right in the truest sense—and meanings—of the word. To never getting this area of your life wrong. Ever again.
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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