Whenever you witness a Beyonce concert – whether live or virtually – you will almost certainly GET YOUR LIFE! Her latest Cochella performance – which has now been appropriately renamed as "Beychella" – was no exception.
The iconic Slayonce wowed festival-goers and live streamers alike as the first black woman to ever headline the nearly two-decade run of the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. Queen Bey reportedly had 11-hour rehearsals leading up to the big event and it definitely showed in the flawless execution that the singer gave during the two hour HBeyCU-inspired performance where all of us pledged BDK with pride.
I wish you could've seen me rushing to my computer to see what was easily one of THE best performances I've ever witnessed…and I've been to A LOT of Beyonce concerts. #Beyhive
Prior to watching the performance, little did I know that I was going to receive a good word at church that morning, followed by another encouraging and uplifting message from the "Queen" herself. May you be inspired by a snippet of what I believe were some of the major life lessons from Beychella.
1. Black girl magic isn't a fairytale, it's a reality.
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The mere fact that Beyonce was the first African-American woman to headline Coachella was wonderful enough, but she took it a step further (figuratively speaking) when she played aloud a snippet from Malcolm X:
"The most disrespected woman in America, is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America, is the black woman."
In a society where often times white is celebrated and black is condemned, and then on a platform where the audience was primarily white, Beyoncé used the Coachella stage to celebrate every black woman in the world. She put everyone on notice and let everyone know that black women matter; we are smart, we are powerful, we are talented, and we are everything that some people think we are not. We are as valuable as every other human being on this Earth. It was a testament to the fact that when other people underestimate us, God upgrades us.
2. Embrace who you are and where you are.
I used to be so scared of my "thirties" because I did not want to let go of my twenties. Being that I'm the same age as Beyonce and after seeing her do what she did, I'm even more encouraged to accept who I am and where I am at this present moment.
For instance, remember when Beyonce used to do the back bend to "Deja Vu" and when she used to squat all the way down on certain songs like "Get Me Bodied"? This time around, I noticed she didn't execute these dances all the same, but she STILL brought it (performed her tail off). She was basically like, "I'm grown. I've had three children, and I'm not about to bend all the way down and I'm going to use this bench to twerk on." I was here for all of it, because the same is true for me and many of us – I can't do it like I used to…and that's okay.
3. One woman's healing can be a part of another woman's healing.
I think it's pretty obvious that Beyoncé has had some life challenges as it relates to having children, career-related changes (early on), and more recently, her highly publicized marriage. Even if we weren't paying attention to news or the blogs, we could hear it in her songs, we saw it in her videos, and more importantly, we felt it in our hearts because at some point or another we have been where she's been.
Her performance was proof that you can turn your pain into power, and you can bounce back despite what you may have gone through.
There was a moment when she was sitting on one of the bleachers and there were ladies to the left and right side of her laying their heads on one another. For me, it was a reminder that we carry each others' burdens, but we also carry the healing and power that comes with it. That's why Beyoncé can sing a song, I can write a book, or women can recite a speech and touch so many women across the world. It's not because our lives are exactly the same. Instead, it's because we can relate to each other. It is my hope that we can be more open to women and their stories, and allow their experiences to help encourage and inspire us along our respective journeys.
4. You can find love without losing yourself.
In other words, your life doesn't have to end just because you fall in love, get married, or have children. I think we can all admit that Beyonce probably has a lot more help than most of us everyday women. Nevertheless, she has found a way – in between being a global superstar, wife, mother, daughter, sister, humanitarian (amongst other things) – to still live her life.
Yes, she is a wife, but she is also a boss and clearly she still makes time for her loved ones and friends. She is still committed to pursuing her passion and it doesn't look like she's close to giving that up anytime soon.
5. There is room for everyone to shine.
I love the quote that says, "A candle doesn't lose its light by lighting another candle." When you're aware of what God has called you to do and when you know He has created a path specifically for you, then you don't have to cut down another woman and it makes it that much easier to stay in your lane.
A woman who is confident enough with herself is able to acknowledge the confidence and beauty of another.
Beyonce had no problem giving so many different people their time to shine. From the Destiny's Child reunion, Solange's appearance, the Les Twins, her dancers, the choir, her background singers, the guest dancers, her band, the marching band, and everyone in between – she made it so that everyone felt a part of HER show. She knew this was a HUGE moment for her at Coachella, but it was obvious that she wanted so many others to be a part of this special night.
As my dear sister Andromeda (founder of Women by Choice) likes to say, "When women support women, we all win." Beyonce is winning because she genuinely wants her squad and all of those around her to win. Ask yourself, "when is the last time I encouraged or allowed another woman to shine?"
6. Pursue your passions persistently even when life throws you a curve ball.
We can plan all day for stuff, but life has a way of throwing some unexpected detours at us along our journey. However, when the unexpected happens, keep moving forward anyway.
During the show, Beyonce was performing and being the phenomenal superstar that she is, but towards the end, I noticed she started having issues with her wardrobe. Beyonce had given it all she got that her wardrobe was starting to fall off of her. Nevertheless, and in good ol' Beyonce fashion, she kept it moving and didn't miss a beat. She made adjustments, but she didn't let that stop the show. Not to mention the fact that although she planned to perform last year, she embraced the natural and blessed interruption that was her pregnancy. She used that time to dream up and develop what was ultimately one of the greatest, if not THE greatest shows of all time.
Don't allow disruptions to deter you from your destination.
What were some of your favorite moments from Beychella? Feel free to comment below.
*Article originally published on Shonda Brown White
Featured image by Giphy
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The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
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Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
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Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
GiphyAight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
GiphyWhen it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
GiphyYou know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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