A few days ago, I was fortunate enough to come across an Instagram post that was so good, I saved and then “starred” it in my Gmail account. It was talking about friendship and started out with a man saying, “Some people don't want friendship; they just want friends.” Then, roughly 90 seconds later, his message ended with, “This is just information.” If you want to watch it, you can here.
The reason why I brought it up for this article is because, although everything that he said was good and necessary (in my opinion at least), what I appreciated the most is how he ended all of his points by basically saying, “It’s just information to consider, y’all. Do with it what you will.”
That’s how I feel about certain things that I personally think some folks have a tendency to take way too seriously and literally. Things like what? Zodiac signs, for one. Although I am a proud Gemini and I will agree that, for better or for worse, there do seem to be some character traits that are spot-on with different signs, you will never (EVER) hear me say or recommend that you select friends or partners based on when their birthday is (what in the world?!). Or love languages.
Do I think that words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts are some of the main ways that people prefer to receive love? Sure. Do I think they are the only ways? How is that even possible?
And then there are the four attachment styles that have been coming up, what seems like now more than ever, over the past several years. Do I believe that the British psychoanalyst John Bowlby along with the research assistance of psychologist Mary Ainsworth were onto something when they came up with what is now widely known as the attachment theory? Absolutely. Do I think that some folks go to the extreme when trying to process what they should do with the data that’s attached to it? Words cannot express just how much.
To me, what all of these things have in common is the fact that, as the brother said in the Instagram post that I referred to, “It’s just information” — intel, data, knowledge, messages, clues even that can help you to “expand a picture,” so that you can make wiser relational decisions. That said, though, should you solely bank on zodiac signs, love languages, and/or attachment theories when choosing a partner, deciding how to communicate with them, and/or if you should remain with them? Well, I’ll put it to you this way: If you have a 100-piece puzzle to put together and you’ve only got three pieces assembled, is it complete? #justsomethingtothinkabout
Still, you can tell from the title of this message that I do think that attachment styles hold some merit. So, let’s briefly discuss what all four of them are, why it’s something that you should want to learn about when it comes to yourself and others, and also how to use the information practically and responsibly — so that the intel helps the relationship instead of sabotages it.
Ready?
What the Word “Attachment” Means and the Attachment Theory Is All About
GiphyIf you were to Google quotes on the word “attachment,” you would find results that might confuse you about it, if you’re not careful. What I mean by that is, that it would appear that there are more warnings about getting attached (especially to people) than encouragements. Take the quote by author Steve Maraboli: “The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”
Or this one by French philosopher Simone Weil: “Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached.” Or this one by writer Norman O. Brown: “Love without attachment is light.” Hmph. Maybe it’s just me but it seems like one thing that all of these sayings have in common is, “Don’t get too attached.” (Bookmark that. I’ll circle back around to that point in just a bit.)
Okay so, just what does it mean to have an attachment to someone or something?
In general, it’s “a feeling that binds one to a person, thing, cause, ideal, or the like; devotion; regard.” When it comes to the attachment theory, it’s more like “an emotional bond between an infant or toddler and primary caregiver, a strong bond being vital for the child’s normal behavioral and social development” and then, as we get older, it becomes “an enduring emotional bond that develops between one adult and another in an intimate relationship.”
So, basically what the attachment theory is saying is, well, it’s part of the reason why one of my favorite quotes is “Adulthood is surviving childhood” — it’s the belief that how you attached to your parents explains how you will attach to others, especially romantically, once you are grown.
Now according to Bowlby, when it comes to the attachment theory specifically, there are “character traits” of attachment.
- Proximity maintenance: the longing to be close to our attachments
- Safe haven: seeking out our attachments for safety and comfort when a threat is present
- Secure base: the attachment being a form of stability as the child steps out to explore
- Separation distress: anxiety that transpires whenever the attachment isn't present
And based on what kind of attachment style a child has experienced, these traits can manifest in some interesting ways once they become an adult.
Keeping all of this in mind, let’s explore what the four attachment styles are. Honestly, each attachment style could be its own article; however, for the sake of your time and my space, I’m just going to briefly touch on each one.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #1: Secure Attachment Style
GiphyWhen a baby/young child’s physical and emotional needs were consistently (consistently is key) met by their parents (or parent or primary caregiver — I’m going to just say parents moving forward, though), that creates a sense of stability and confidence. Since their parents were so reliable and dependable, that gives the child the ability to explore, play, and learn outside of their parents which helps them to become more empathetic and emotionally mature. As a direct result, once they become adults, they typically have a strong sense of self-worth and healthy relationships and they are strong listeners and communicators.
Without question, having a secure attachment style is the ideal.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #2: Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment Style
GiphyWhen a baby/young child’s needs are inconsistently met by their parents, they quickly begin to feel or believe that they can’t fully trust the people who are taking care of them which can make them quite anxious. As a result, there is quite a bit of internal conflict that transpires because, while they are uncomfortable when their parents aren’t present, they aren’t exactly comforted by their return either (because again, full trust is lacking). And if you can’t really trust your own parents, you definitely are going to struggle with trusting others.
This oftentimes means that, once they become adults, they can put people through a lot of tests and challenges to get close to them, and then they will overwhelm those same people out of fear of being left alone. Once the relationships end, they don’t typically handle the transition very well either.
Basically, closeness makes them nervous and distance does too.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #3: Avoidant Attachment Style
GiphyWould you be surprised that a commitment-phobe has an avoidant attachment style? Pretty sure that it makes all of the sense in the world. Here’s how someone becomes that way — whenever a baby/young child doesn’t get the emotional support that they need (even if their physical ones are being met), the child comes to the conclusion that they shouldn’t rely on others in an emotional way (hmph — think about all of the people on social media who base relationships on money and material things; makes you wonder, right?).
This could lead to children who trust other people, even strangers, more than their own parents; in fact, sometimes these are the kids who prefer to avoid their parents altogether. Once they grow up, though, they can oftentimes be poor emotional/relational communicators, they tend to prefer to keep things surface and shallow, and/or they may know a lot of people, but they aren’t really intimate (especially emotionally) with any of them.
Since the foundation of intimacy was shaky, it’s hard for them to “build” with others.
ATTACHMENT STYLE #4: Disorganized Attachment Style
GiphyChaotic. Confused. Unpredictable. These are the words that come to my mind when I think of what is known as disorganized attachment style. A baby/young child who deals with this usually comes from a home that consisted of quite a bit of trauma and/or fear. Because their environment was so emotionally erratic, they tend to be too. As adults, these individuals are the “come close, go away” folks. They are the ones who, right when you think they are about to be “all in,” they run. Hell, I’d venture to say that someone with a disorganized attachment style probably came up with the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people” — because, on some level, they tend to do to others what was done to them.
Something else to keep in mind about this particular attachment style is, that because they probably took care of their parents (one way or the other), they may see relationships — even ones that they want and need — as work instead of a benefit because they weren’t given the opportunity and freedom of being a child when they actually were one.
Okay, so if you didn’t already know all of this, now that you have this information, what attachment style would you consider yourself to be? My recommendation would be to not assume and actually take a quiz. You can do so here, here, or here, if you’d like. If you’re in a relationship (or you’d like to learn more about your friends and their attachment style), shoot them those links too.
The Benefits of Knowing Someone’s Personal Attachment Style
GiphyAight, so with all of this foundation laid, let’s get to the main point and purpose of this article: how much should you factor in your partner’s (or potential partner’s) attachment style when it comes to your relationship with them? Honestly, like I said earlier, I think it’s just…a puzzle piece.
A big part of the reason why I say that is listen, if someone came up in some inconsistent ish, it’s me — and yet, every time I take an attachment test, it says that I have a secure attachment style. I think one reason is because the way I feel about each of my parents is quite different which can bring balance to what I missed from one and gained from the other. I also think that, as my mother has told me on many occasions, I am “violent about my growth and my peace” (it’s one of the best things that she has ever said to/about me too) and so a lot of self-work has been done to become a holistically healthy and balanced individual.
And you know what? Similar things can be said about someone else. If they do happen to have another type of attachment style, while that may explain some things about them, if they are willing to do the work to have a healthy relationship — what’s the problem? Case in point: I know a guy who was a commitment phobe for years. I also know about his childhood and it was traumatizing as hell. His dating experience with his now-wife was a bit rocky yet he did the self-work and, because she knew about his attachment style beforehand, she was patient while he did.
Yeah, that’s one of the things that I think is highly unfortunate about the state of our culture these days.
So many people are so selfish and caught up in immediate gratification that they don’t get that all of us need some mercy, grace, and understanding. All of us have a backstory that we would appreciate some gentleness with. All of us are works in progress when it comes to being better partners.
So, what are you saying, Shellie — that if my partner is uncomfortably clingy and I figure out that they have an anxious attachment style that I should just…deal with it? No, what I am saying is if your partner is uncomfortably clingy, you know about their childhood stuff and they are willing to do some healing, if there are so many other things about them that are awesome, you should consider supporting and encouraging them through the transformation process.
Because now you are fortunate enough to have information that explains what’s going on — and sometimes, just knowing what’s up can change…everything.
Attach or Not Attach. That Is the Question.
GiphyAll of this brings me back to what I said I would address: Is having an attachment to someone a “bad” thing? Personally, I look at it in a similar way that I do to expectations. I don’t trust people who say to not get attached to anyone or thing in life and I also don’t trust people who say to never expect anything. To me, that doesn’t sound like sound advice; that sounds like bitterness and pain.
Now REALISTIC attachments and REALISTIC expectations? See, I’m all about that. In fact, one of my favorite Message Version Scriptures of the Bible says, “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it.” (Ecclesiastes 7:18) Being realistic is about approaching things from a place of practicality and accepting what is real instead of romanticizing matters. And if you are going to be devoted to something or someone, you should be REALISTIC about what you are getting yourself into.
In other words, it’s one thing to be attached to someone (in a healthy way) who is attached to you (in a healthy way) — sometimes attachment styles show us that we’re involved in something that’s quite different.
Sometimes, we are trying to have a relationship with someone who has a certain attachment style and they have no interest in reciprocity or moving forward. And while their style may explain why, if they are fine with how things are and you aren’t — that can be an unhealthy attachment because you are devoted to someone who isn’t really devoted to you. Again, it’s not (just) about what their childhood was like; it’s about how they are handling their childhood as adults.
If a man is constantly avoiding you, his attachment style may help to explain why yet what he is doing is still a conscious decision. To justify or excuse it? That is an unhealthy attachment.
A healthy attachment is when two people realize that some things were probably missing in their childhood which explains some things about who they are now, they are not expecting their partner to overcompensate for any of it (an article unto itself), they are giving each other space to grow and evolve and they are each doing the work to make themselves (first) and the relationship (second) better.
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There are all kinds of television shows, podcasts, social media posts, and articles about how if someone has a certain attachment style, you should flee — that is so extreme and to a certain extent, pretty unfair. We can’t control the parents that we had — we can only control the adults we are now.
Attachment styles are puzzle pieces…data…information. Treat it as a part of what makes a picture while not seeing it as the entire picture itself. Attach to that way of thinking and, one way or another, relationships will be beneficial for you. Because you are attaching in a healthy, practical, and realistic kind of way. The way attachments should be.
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Apparently, there was a Thanksgiving episode that featured all of the friends having dinner together. And y’all, there was simply no way that I was going to mention the latter without shouting out the original (amen?).
Okay, so with that out of the way — Friendsgiving. Something that I appreciate about twists to holidays like this is that it’s a reminder that there is no one way to celebrate special occasions. And so, if, for whatever the reason, you will not or cannot be with family during the holiday season, there are certainly other alternatives at your disposal.
That being said, if the thought of spending time with friends this Thanksgiving is something that you’d like to do, yet you’re not sure how to host it in a way that will make Friendsgiving a fan favorite for your entire circle — I’ve got 10 suggestions that can make the planning process easy as pumpkin (or sweet potato) pie.
1. Position Chrysanthemums or Orchids for Your Table Décor
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Let’s start with décor first. Listen, aside from cleaning up your place, you don’t have to be over the top. If you put together a really nice centerpiece or put a flower at each table setting, honestly, you’re all good. And if you’re someone who is big on details and symbolism, my recommendation would be to go with some chrysanthemums and/or orchids.
When it comes to chrysanthemums, not only are they a peak fall flower, they represent things like friendship and happiness. And orchids? They tend to bloom during the fall and spring seasons and, not only are they about luxury, certain orchid colors also symbolize friendship (for the record, yellow roses symbolize friendship too). Perfect.
2. Incorporate Scents That Cultivate Gratitude
Speaking of cultivating a warm and inviting space, you can never go wrong with scented soy candles — or at least having an essential oil diffuser in a few spots. Some scents that actually help to bring in the spirit of gratitude include vanilla, jasmine, ginger, cedarwood and frankincense.
3. Use Upscale Paper Products to Dine With
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Let’s be real — a lot more of us would probably host events in our home if it wasn’t for the mess that is left behind in our kitchen once the festivities are over. Wanna avoid that? Use paper plates. No, I don’t mean the cheap Styrofoam ones. SMDH. These days, there are paper (and plastic) plate brands that will low-key blow your mind when it comes to how bougie they look. Some that are worth considering are located here, here and here.
4. Handwrite Thank-You Notes (Use Them As Place Settings)
If you’re like Tiffany (from the HBO series Insecure — what a time) was at that memorable dinner party when all hell broke loose between Lawrence and Issa and you’re pretty anal — I mean, particular — LOL — about place settings, it’s a nice touch to pick up some blank thank-you cards that you can write a personalized “I’m thankful for you because…” message in. Place each one where you’d like each friend to sit. They won’t see it coming and it’s a really nice touch.
5. Have Everyone Bring Their Favorite Homemade Dish
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Okay, and what if what has you on the fence about hosting is you don’t feel like doing a ton of cooking? Chile, this is where the concept of having a potluck comes in. Get everyone to bring the dish that they claim they cook the best and make sure to let them know how many individuals you plan on coming (so that they will make enough). You can even make a game out of it by having everyone anonymously vote for the first, second and third best dishes out of the bunch. Take it up a notch by having a prize for each winner.
6. Take a Warm Drink and Dessert Poll Beforehand
You know what isn’t discussed enough about dinner parties? Folks bringing desserts that other people don’t even like. SMDH. You can avoid this from becoming an issue at your Friendsgiving by sending an email (most people prefer that to group chats; let’s be real — and make sure to BCC everyone as well) asking everyone to share what their top three favorite desserts and warm drinks are. Then pick the top 2-3 out of the bunch. That way, you won’t have a ton of (for instance) coffee cake or apple cider lying around that no one even wanted in the first place.
7. Create a Signature Friendsgiving Mocktail and Cocktail
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Speaking of drinks, another way to make your Friendsgiving memorable is to come up with a signature mocktail (for those who don’t consume alcohol) and cocktail. For the mocktail, you can also poll your friends about their favorite mocktail or fruits and come up with a mixture of your own. For the cocktail — although National Friendship Day is actually in August, I did peep that there are certain drinks that have been created in its honor. Some of them are located here for you to do a bit of tweaking on (if you’d like).
8. Ask Everyone to Share Their “Favorite Friend Quality” of Another
You know how it’s customary for everyone to go around and share what they are truly thankful for before having dinner? Well, to continue along with the Friendsgiving theme, have each person share what their favorite friend quality is about the person to their right. If folks are just meeting each other for the first time, instead they can share what they value the most in friendship overall, along with a story of how it was displayed to them personally over the past 12 months.
9. Send Each of Your Guests Home with a Fresh Gratitude Journal
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Wanna send folks home with a nice parting gift? It would be so on-trend to give each of them a gratitude journal. Listen, we are in some crazy times right through here (at least in the States) and so, encouraging your friends to set some time aside, regularly, to think about and then outwardly express what they are grateful for? That helps to keep stress down, keep things in perspective and it reminds us all to maintain a positive mindset as much as possible.
10. Watch a Nostalgic Movie
While everyone is enjoying dessert and drinks, how about watching a movie that brings back fond memories? A list of some of the most popular movies to come out previous Thanksgiving weekends is located here and a list of some favorite Black holiday-themed films can be found here. It’s a way to wind down and share some laughs before everyone heads home.
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Friendsgiving. What a wonderful way to celebrate your friends while also observing Thanksgiving in a way that is totally on your terms. And now that you know how to put it together, what are you waiting for? Hit your friends up and let them know that, whether it’s on actual Thanksgiving Day or a few days before or after, you’ve got a special dinner in mind.
One that has a good time with amazing friends written ALL over it.
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