Here's What's Blocking You From Manifesting
It's been some months since that vision board party where you and your friends vowed to manifest the lives you know you deserve. Everyone brought some food, drinks and old magazines. As you cut out images that represent your deep desires and pasted it to a large cardboard, you became excited about the possibilities for this year.
Maybe you went home and hung it up on the bedroom wall so you can look at it every night before going into a dream state. Or, you were bold enough to have it on display in the living room as a constant reminder of the life you want. Every day, you've been holding the vision, taking action steps and being steadfast in faith. Even when your mind started to betray you, you kept a positive attitude. But, let's be honest. Nothing is materializing and you're about to snap!
There's nothing wrong with having a clear vision for how you want to experience life. In the book, Truth, Triumph and Transformation, by Sandra Anne Taylor, she adds, "Life isn't only about making money or owning nice things, and the energy of the world has a far broader purpose. Limiting our viewpoint will actually reduce the profound power that energy and consciousness can bring to your daily life…"
Although you can never separate yourself from the Source of all creation, there are several reasons why the energy is limited or blocked from materializing into your desires.
Your Desires Are Not Aligned with Your Divine Mission
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You are a spirit having a human experience. Spirit is eternal and has chosen to materialize as you for a specific time and reason that goes beyond enjoying physical sensations.
You have unique gifts, skills and talents that are to be shared with the world. No one else has this treasure trove the way you do or can share it like you. When these superpowers are charged with an intention that benefits all creation, you are aligning yourself with your mission.
Maybe you want a certain car to prove that you "made it". You can change your intention to manifest that same car because it will help you travel wherever you need to go to share your gifts with people who need them.
When your desires are aligned with the greatest and highest good for all, the world opens up to you.
Your Eating Habits Lower Your Vibration
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In general, people know having a positive attitude keeps your energy high, and makes it easier to attract what you want. Food is also energy. Either it is increasing your vibration or diminishing it.
Everyone is designed to serve humanity or fulfill their mission in a variety of ways. You may see someone eating junk food all day everyday that can manifest whatever they want in life. But that might not be you. How do you know? Look at your life.
Your present existence is always giving you feedback. And it doesn't lie.
Think of a time when you cut back on sweets and started exercising. Did you have more energy? Did you feel like you were in the flow of life? Did you get more clarity? Were you able to resolve some issues?
Try an experiment. For the next 30 days, choose three items to remove from your diet. They must be things you love, but know you don't have any business eating. And no cheating! Journal daily so you can keep track of any out-of-the-ordinary occurrences.
This experiment will also help release any guilt, shame or judgment you may feel by eating something you think isn't good for you. This will improve your vibration. See, it's already working!
Low-Energy Sexual Partner(s)
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There was a woman who thought her husband gave her a STD. She felt a burning sensation every time they had sex. She visited the doctor several times, and each time, the doctor gave her the same results: Nothing.
Finally, she had a dream, which revealed that she didn't want to be married anymore. Her body was literally communicating to her that he was no longer allowed in the temple. Once she admitted this truth, the symptoms were gone. And so was he. Remember, you have a divine mission, and the entire universe aligns itself to support you in fulfilling it. Free will is a gift and a curse.
You must be honest about the type of partner with whom you have chosen to exchange energy. That's exactly what it is, an exchange of energy.
At some point in your life, you've walked away from relationships because it was too draining. They caused confusion. You were on their emotional roller coaster. And at the end of the day, the relationship was all about you being there for them. This is part of Energy Vampire-ism. More on that later.
For right now, the question is: Are you receiving loving, healthy energy that helps sustain your high vibration or even increase it? If not, then you have to choose: Do you want short-term physical satisfaction or live a better quality of life?
Truth be told: Your intuition told you about them when they opened their mouth to speak to you. So, you know what to do.
Unhealthy Relationship with Money
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Have you ever wanted a certain amount of money and got it? How did it feel? It probably felt like heaven – for a moment. But then, you noticed that high is steadily dissipating into one of two things: uneasiness or boredom.
If you feel a little anxious after receiving money, then it might be because you know another financial problem is just around the corner.
This can become a vicious cycle – need some money, receive money, spend money, and broke again. You're in a constant state of worry and may sacrifice self-love and self-respect to get your needs met. You accept less pay, work in an unhealthy environment or succumb to other conditions that compromise your well-being. Your life is focused on surviving, not thriving at the highest level of existence.
Or, your bills are paid and you have a certain amount of "disposable income." And so, you throw it away on meaningless items. Your direct deposit hits midnight Friday. By Monday morning, you're out $300 and have nothing of real value to show for it. Money has no real meaning to you.
The money you have now is the materialization of Spirit. Be grateful. Pay your bills with appreciation.
Never say you don't have enough because that paycheck was never meant to make you rich. It was to pay you for a service. That's it. The infinite Presence of the Most High is the Source of all wealth, which includes prosperity, divine health, and relationships, love, joy, creativity, success, etc.
Does your monthly bank statement reflect your beliefs and principles? Every time you purchase something, it is an investment in your values. At its best, money is a spiritual tool supporting you to fulfill your mission. Charge your money with an intention to use it to serve your higher calling. The energy will flow with a greater purpose and will be aligned with the Universe.
Energy Vampire-ism
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Energy is the force that fuels all life. You can't exist without it. Our society thrives on the exchange of energy. We trade time, gifts and talents for payment. We barter our resources for a variety of reasons. College students intern for free to receive exposure and invaluable skill sets. On the other end of the spectrum, once there was a male friend who paid an electricity bill on a monthly basis in exchange for guaranteed sex.
Constantly trading resources to get our needs met can condition us to think our source of energy should come from another person. When this happens, there are usually unmet expectations and hurt feelings.
Your partner expects you to make them happy even though they have no clue about what brings them joy. A boss tells you he/she is disappointed with your performance as if your actions control how they feel. That's a sneaky one. Your work performance may not meet the requirements, but your boss must manage him/her own emotional response to it, not you. Don't let your boss program you to think it's your responsibility to make them happy through your work. Anyway...
This type of energy vampire-ism is noticeable because you'll feel tired and weary. What about energy vampires that are undetectable?
It can be argued the worst energy vampire is the energy of indifference and idleness.
How much time do you spend on social media or online? You've had the experience of checking some celeb's page, and an hour later, you're looking at something stupid, just killing time. Or you accept a phone call your intuition told you to decline. You listen to them talk and may even have a few laughs. Afterwards, you're not drained, but you're not energized either. In fact, if you had not answered the call, your life wouldn't have missed it.
You think no harm was done. Well, time is an illusion.
All you have is now. You breathe now. Your heart beats now. You exist in the now. And if you're spending all of your existence on frivolous things that doesn't move you closer to your vision, you aren't harnessing the energy necessary to attract what you really want.
For the next 30 days, limit your social and online playtime to one hour a day. Then, record in your journal your daily accomplishments. You will be able to track your energy investments, and your progress to manifesting your desires.
As Taylor says in the book, "You can deny it if you want, but you do have an eternal identity; and your soul has its own intentions. Unfortunately, they may be entirely different from your personal intentions of making money or achieving success. The truth is that when you align your soul's intention with your goals, you'll unlock all the mysteries and open the door to ultimate abundance."
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on May 16, 2019.
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Yaminah Ahmad is a former entertainment publicist, now loving life as a Reiki practitioner and writer. She spends her time studying other healing modalities, hoping to find the secret gateway to Wakanda.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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