
With December being the most popular time of the year for somebody ('cause it ain't always the fellas) to get on one knee with a ring in hand, and with Valentine's Day being right around the corner, I thought it would be a good idea to explore engagements a little bit. More specifically, let's explore some of the reasons why it's not only OK to break off an engagement but, in my humble opinion, it's highly encouraged, too.
It's not that I'm trying to be a Debbie Downer or anything. It's just that, if there are two things that a lot of couples who regret getting married tell me, it's 1) they knew that they ignored some significant red flags when they got engaged and/or 2) they also knew on the night before their wedding that they should have called things off.
I personally know some couples who ended their engagement. By no means was it an easy thing for them to do. But now that they have healed and moved on to individuals who are a much better complement for them, they also have no regrets when it comes to making that initial decision. I say it often—break-ups are hard but man, they don't even begin to hold a candle to how devastating a divorce can be. So, whether you're contemplating getting engaged, or you currently are and something doesn't feel quite right, for the sake of your ultimate long-term health and happiness, take a moment to read some of the circumstances that you should feel totally fine with breaking off your engagement for.
1. His Boundaries with His Family Are Unhealthy (or Non-Existent)
Something that I spent a lot of time doing in 2019 was figuring out the difference between "PTSD Shellie" and "actual Shellie". When your childhood consisted of trauma, sometimes you don't realize that a lot of who you are is tied to pain rather than your true authentic self. When that is the case and you end up linking up to someone who also hasn't done the self-work that's needed to heal, not only can that result in a really difficult relationship, it can put you both in the position where you are constantly dealing with the toxicity of one another's families too.
No family is perfect. Lord knows. But if you are sensing that your man has narcissistic parents or other toxic relatives, and either he doesn't have healthy boundaries with those individuals or their influence keeps him in an emotionally unhealthy place and space, at the very least, encourage him to get some therapy before saying "I do". A lot of the married couples that I work with, their marital problems are rooted in their unresolved childhood issues. What they all have in common is they wish they had focused on healing those things on the front-end rather than constantly triggering each other, sometimes without even knowing it, on the back-end. If you want a thriving marriage, childhood healing should transpire as much as possible and family boundaries must be set. If none currently exist, it is beyond wise to pump the brakes until they are.
2. The Two of You Don’t Communicate Well
One of the reasons why I think it's a good idea to not be so quick to have sex in a relationship is because you need time to get to really know each other. If you don't, you could mistake good sex for an actual true emotional connection, or you could abuse sex by relying on it to be the only real way to get on the same page with your partner.
It's no shocker that one of the biggest causes of divorce is poor communication or a breakdown in communication. That's why I think it is so important to focus on developing a true friendship during the dating and courtship process.
And how can you know if you and your man are good communicators? Do you listen to each other? Do you respect one another's feelings? Can you both say that you have an intimate connection outside of sexual activity? Do you both feel emotionally safe with one another? Do you handle conflict well? Are you both good at forgiving? Do you both avoid toxic practices like gaslighting and being passive aggressive? Can you each share your deepest secrets and biggest vulnerabilities without hesitation, worry or regret?
Yeah, all of this is a tall order, but if you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone, these are just the kind of things you need to be able to say "definitely" to. If you can't, don't rush walking down the aisle. Better to wait than to end up in somebody's divorce court…right?
3. Money Is Super Funny
Wanna know one of the main reasons why I wrote "7 Solid Reasons To Strongly Consider Eloping"? It's because, along with poor communication issues, another leading cause for stress, strain and ultimately divorce is financial drama. And weddings? The average cost of those bad boys is somewhere between $20,000-50,000 (depending on where you live). If you factor that in, along with the almost $40,000 worth of debt that the average American has as well—whew! It's easy to see how student loans, credit card bills, car notes and mortgages (or rent) can truly take its toll on a relationship.
Listen, no one is saying that you and yours have to be independently wealthy before becoming one. But if you think that marriage isn't also about two people entering into a business partnership, you are in for a real roller coaster ride that could leave you queasy on so many levels. You know what they say—love doesn't pay the bills. If you're in a world of debt or your man can't seem to get his coins right—and worse, he doesn't intend to—don't think that it's superficial to not get married just yet. Or, if you continue to see red flags—like if he's a dad who's not paying child support or if he's someone who is always borrowing money—not getting married at all. A ton of married people will tell you that they wish they had paid more attention to their partner's financial habits beforehand. Don't find yourself being a statistic because you didn't.
4. The Wedding Planning Process Sucks
Back before I became a marriage life coach, I used to think people were exaggerating when they said that if you want to look at the potential future of someone's marriage, all you need to do is watch how they act during the wedding planning process. But chile, there is some super-duper wisdom in that. While a couple is putting their upcoming nuptials together, you get to see who is the most controlling, who sucks at compromising, how folks handle delays and irritations, how they deal with their family members and friends, if they are good with money, how good they are under pressure—I could go on and on and on. Weddings are nice. They really are. But they only last for a day. Besides, if you ask any couple who has already jumped the broom before, one thing they will probably vouch for is the fact that it all goes by in a blink.
If you're currently planning out your wedding day and you two are about to kill each other, I'm not saying you should automatically call everything off, but I will say this—if you sense some serious red flags and the only reason why you are moving forward is because "Everyone already knows that we're getting married", that's not a good enough reason. Weddings are to be a celebration of two people coming together in a healthy and happy way. If you can't honestly say that is where things are right now, wait until you can. The right people will only respect you for it. And at the end of the day, they are the only ones who truly count.
5. One—or Both—of You Have “Unfinished Business”
Unfortunately, there are more than a few people in this world who get married, not because they are running towards someone but because they are running away from someone else. That's why, whenever I am in a premarital session, I devote an entire meeting (more if needed) to people's exes. And you know what? I already know, off top, that if it's something that is ducked 'n dodged, there is some stuff that is definitely unresolved.
One thing about being engaged is, while it does speak on your intention to marry someone, it is still not nearly as "weighty" as actually being husband and wife. So, if you know that you've got someone in your past that you're still A) carrying a torch for, B) needing to resolve some things with, or C) haven't fully healed from, you really need to get that handled before becoming someone else's spouse.
I know far too many married people who have cheated with an ex, snuck around to communicate with an ex, or are constantly comparing their lifetime partner to an ex, and it's all because they went into their marriage with "ex baggage".
It is totally delusional to think that a stroll down the aisle will automatically make any ex issues that you have go away. If you need time to work that out, now would be the time to do it. If your fiancé doesn't understand, well, you might need to call things off until you can be sure that you are in a good space—mentally as well as emotionally with where things stand…with your ex.
6. You Still Want to Do Some Things You Can’t Compromise On
Whenever I encounter a new married couple, something that I have the habit of doing is asking them, "So, what did marriage teach you about yourself that you didn't know before saying, 'I do'?" Hands down, what I hear the most is "How selfish I was." Or "I am." Paul Washer, a pastor, once said that nothing teaches us how to love well better than marriage which means that sometimes we will have to make great sacrifices in order to do it. I totally agree. At the same time, if you are about to sacrifice goals and dreams that would be far easier to accomplish as a single woman—that is something else to think long and hard about. If you want to see the world and he doesn't, why get married and sulk about it or try and pressure him to do what he isn't interested in? Wait and go now. If you want to go to finish school but he wants to have kids right away, maybe y'all should cool things off for a bit. If there is a business that you want to get off of the ground that you know will take up a lot of your time and attention—getting married right at this second could be like raising twins. Literally.
Being a selfish spouse is one thing (and something that I will be sure to get into at another time), but feeling like you are being selfish simply because you are still single and want to do some things that would be easier done as a single woman is smart, wise, and highly recommended.
7. You Love…But You’re Not in Love
Personally, I think the word "love" is misused way too much. I try to avoid applying it to any and everything that I simply enjoy. I mean, "loving" my favorite tube of lip gloss should pale in comparison to loving my late fiancé, don't you think? I feel similarly to the term "in love" as well. And you know what? Science agrees with me. According to a lot of scientific research, if you're truly in love with someone, not only are you attracted to them, you also are emotionally dependent on them, you share similar interests and values, you both like making plans for the future (that include each other) and there is a profound sense of empathy that the two of you share.
Aside from science, another sign of being in love that I think is valid is there is no one else you'd rather be with; there is also no one else that you are wondering about. A good example of this would actually be a chick flick. Dear John (Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried), to be exact. If you've never seen it before, John (Tatum) and Savannah (Seyfried) were head over heels for each other. He was in the military and she married someone with cancer who had an autistic son. Savannah loved her husband, Tim but who she was in love with was John. Her husband even recognized it. Her love for Tim was based on friendship and obligation. Being in love with John is what led John to wait for years, to anonymously donate money to Tim's cancer treatments, and for them to eventually reunite once Tim passed away.
I already know some of y'all are like, "Did you really just use a movie to illustrate your point?" Yes, I did. Although it's fictional, I bet you could feel the difference between Savannah and Tim's relationship versus Savannah and John's connection. If you are about to marry someone and it feels more Tim-like than John-like, you and your fiancé deserve better and more. Love both of you enough to call things off. It might hurt for a while, but you won't regret your bravery in the long run. Neither will the man who you eventually do fall in love with.
8. The Timing Seems Off
Whoever said that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing—they ain't neva lied.
The problem is, a lot of people move forward in relationships without actually knowing what the signs of bad timing actually are.
If you're curious, here are some of them—your career is currently more important to you than your relationship; you feel like there is some internal work that needs to be done alone; you believe that you and/or your partner have a bit more maturing to do; the love is there but you need more time to see if you're as compatible as you'd like to be; you're in different states and neither is ready to move (yet) and/or there are some personal, professional or even health-related issues that would be better served while you are single.
Although a lot of people don't approach engagements this way, once two people are officially betrothed, they are basically saying that they are planning to get married as soon as possible. If you are engaged and you don't feel like you are in this head or heart space, there is nothing wrong with ending your engagement until you can feel good about your decision—or breaking things off indefinitely.
Getting engaged is a really big step. But don't feel like it puts you at the point of no return. If you see any of this in your relationship, marriage will only magnify matters. Not in a good way either. Please choose wisely.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Getting Engaged
If Your Man Is Missing These Things, Wait Before Marrying Him
Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him
This Is Why I Have Mad Respect For People Who Break Off Their Engagements
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Because We Are Still IT, Girl: It Girl 100 Returns
Last year, when our xoNecole team dropped our inaugural It Girl 100 honoree list, the world felt, ahem, a bit brighter.
It was March 2024, and we still had a Black woman as the Vice President of the United States. DEI rollbacks weren’t being tossed around like confetti. And more than 300,000 Black women were still gainfully employed in the workforce.
Though that was just nineteen months ago, things were different. Perhaps the world then felt more receptive to our light as Black women.
At the time, we launched It Girl 100 to spotlight the huge motion we were making as dope, GenZennial Black women leaving our mark on culture. The girls were on the rise, flourishing, drinking their water, minding their business, leading companies, and learning to do it all softly, in rest. We wanted to celebrate that momentum—because we love that for us.
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.

In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.

In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.

And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.

We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.

So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.

That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.

This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Someone's Trying To Hook You Up? Ask These 6 Questions First
As we all know, it’s cuffing season. We’re also on the cusp of the holiday season, and that happens to be the time of year when a lot of people get engaged. And that’s why the fall and winter seasons are the times of the year when folks wanna play matchmaker.
And so, sis, if at least one person in your life is currently trying to set you up with someone they know right now — charge it to it being “tis the season” more than anything else. Because let’s be real — folks tend to be more lovey-dovey than ever right about now, and that is usually what inspires them to try to get as many people boo/bae’d up as possible. Chile…CHILE.
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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