One of my favorite things about being a relationships writer is that I meet all types of people with all kinds of different perspectives; sometimes ones who totally challenge the status quo. Take the assumption about marriage, for instance (check out "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?"). What I mean specifically is the fact that a lot of people seem to believe that most women want to be married.
Hmm. First, did you know that the divorce rate is currently on the decline because less people are strolling down the aisle — and a good amount of those people are indeed women? Second, contrary to what some of these male relationship coaches are saying out here, the reason why many ladies aren't exactly thrilled about marriage isn't as black and white as they like to presume and promote. There are indeed many reasons why some women have cold feet at the mere thought of taking a stroll towards forever.
They deserve to speak for themselves. So, I asked 15 of them (middle names were used) to do just that. One, so that we'll stop seeing views on marriage as one-dimensional and two, because if you're a woman who is basically terrified of marriage yourself…you won't feel so alone. Because you absolutely aren't.
Jocelyn. 37. Haven't Been in a Relationship in Three Years.
"I come from a long line of people who didn't know what the hell they were doing when it came to marriage. While oddly, there is very little divorce on either side of my family, a lot of folks are together and totally miserable. It's like they would rather have the bragging rights of staying together than being happy."
"I think that's what scares me the most — getting with someone and staying, even if I don't like it. Is it really something to be proud of to stay until death if you're miserable?"
Hadassah. 29. Been Exclusive for 10 Months.
"My boyfriend wants to get married. He wants to marry me, more specifically. He said he knew it about three months ago. I'm the one who's been dragging my feet because people change. It's not fair to expect him not to but I want to be with the person I know now. If he switches up on me, I can't guarantee that I'll stick it out. I like consistency and hate surprises too much to sign up for that. I haven't told him any of this. Should I?"
Alexe. 40. Divorced for Five Years.
"Shellie, I know. I can't tell you how many times you saying that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women rings in my head; especially since I was one of them. No, it wasn't because my husband abused me or cheated on me. He's still a good guy. I just like love with space in it. I don't want to share my house. I don't want to sleep on only one side of my bed. I don't want to deal with someone else when I don't feel like it. I'm selfish and I own that. I think it's more selfish to get married when you know you don't want to be what marriage requires. I talked myself into doing it the first time. How stupid of me would I be to do that all over again? No ma'am."
Kiran. 33. Been Casually Dating for Three Years.
"I'll watch a movie if I want to be moved by marriage. I dunno. It's just so serious…and predictable…and needy. Whenever this topic comes up with people, they assume I come from a broken or single-parent home or something. My parents have been together for almost 40 years and they love each other to death. I've just always been a free bird. Like I respect their relationship. I even like watching them. But do I want it? No thanks. I like getting to know different guys, learning from different people and not having any pressure or expectations on me. Marriage nixes all of that and the thought of intentionally signing up for that kind of lifestyle is worse than any horror flick I've seen before."
Alyssa. 42. In a Sexually Exclusive Situation.
"It might sound strange, but I have no problem with sexual monogamy. It's emotional monogamy that I struggle with. I want the option to be able to reach back out to an ex, flirt with someone on Instagram or go out on a date with a man I just met."
"A lot of times, when people talk about being scared to get married, the focus is on never having sex with someone new. There's too much going on out here for me to want to care about that. I just want the option to have new experiences with new men. Marriage prevents that from happening and yeah, that's pretty scary."
Rachele. 48. Divorced for 10 Years.
"Taking care of a man. That's what I did for seven years when I was married. I'm not talking about money. He made that. I mean, cleaning the bathroom. Cooking meals. Running errands all of the time. It wasn't that he expected me to do those things. I was raised that being a wife comes with taking care of a man. Once I no longer had to do that anymore, I can't imagine going back to that. Submission isn't a bad thing. You've just gotta really want to do it. I don't. I doubt I ever will."
Maya. 25. Interested in a Relationship — Not Marriage.
"I'm not sure how much of the minority I am but I think marriage should be for couples who want to have kids so that their children are in a structured environment — the kind that comes with some serious consequences if you just decide to up and walk out one day. Since I am fine being the 'play auntie' to all of my friends' kids, I want to be with someone who feels the same way about being an uncle and we just take it one day at a time.
"Signing on a dotted line feels like a contract that comes with some loopholes that I'm not interested in. Let's just love each other and leave it at that."
Imani. 34. Recently Ended a Two-Year Relationship.
"I just got out of a relationship with a mama's boy. Don't ever do that s — t. He's a good man. He also needs to cut those apron strings because when it comes to his money and his time, he thinks that his mother should get first dibs. Who wants to get married and be the second priority to a woman who has her own husband? I'm afraid that I'll get married and realize that I married a man's family more than him. Been there, done that. Hated it."
Natalie. 44. Been Exclusive for Six Years.
"I'm about to lose the love of my life, if I'm gonna be real about it. [Name withheld] has asked me to marry him twice now. I didn't say 'no'. I said that I would accept his ring if we could stay engaged indefinitely. What I'm scared of is marriage automatically changing our relationship like it has for so many of my friends. It's like, when they were dating, it was all good. Traveling. Lots of sex. Fun. Then they got married and it's watching movies at home, sex on the weekends and fighting all of the time. Why would any sane person choose to be miserable? I'm not saying it's marriage's fault. I'm just saying that a lot of people don't make marriage appear all that attractive to me."
Helen. 31. Divorced for Almost a Year.
"I cheated on my husband…with an ex. He was willing to stick it out, but I was so conflicted that I ended it. To this day, I'm not sure if I made the right decision or not but I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't get married if you're in love with two people. The crazy thing is, I don't want to be with my ex either because how can you trust someone who will help you cheat? I might not be the right person for this question because my divorce is still pretty fresh. What I will say is if you're not totally loving with your whole heart, you shouldn't get married. I've never just loved one person at a time. There's always been some 'residue' from someone else. I've just now accepted that as my reality. So, the thought of getting married again… 'terrified' is the right word."
Kendele. 28. In a Very New Relationship (Less than Three Months).
"Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is spiritual. Marriage is awesome. I'm just not sure if it's for me. It's like there's this assumption that all women want to be married and if they don't, they've got some sort of 'issue'."
"I'm not so much 'terrified' about the idea of marriage as I am reflective on if it serves a real purpose in my life. Can't you respect the institution without wanting to participate in it? I think so."
Lanelle. 39. Been Exclusive for Two Years.
"I'm afraid that my man's sex drive is gonna be too low. It damn near already is. Since college, I can easily have sex every day and in my 30s, that hasn't changed. So, if I sign up to only have sex with him for the rest of my life, that's already freaking me the f — k out. But then he's gonna not be in the mood when I want it? It might sound shallow, but I'll leave a man for that and never look back. Why take the risk? Why not just stay single?"
Perri. 27. Never Been in a Serious Relationship Before.
"How do you say at 25 that you'll stay with someone until you die when you don't know who you'll be at 40? What kind of arrangement is that?"
"The married people in my life tell me that I only feel this way because I've never been in a long-term relationship. Maybe. But predicting the future when you don't know what the future holds sounds pretty crazy in my book."
Brecala. 40. Recently Engaged.
"Yep. I'm engaged and yes, I am terrified of getting married. I think it's because I watch too many Lifetime movies because although my fiancé is the best man I've ever met, a part of me wonders how long you should really know someone before pledging to spend the rest of your life with them. Pray for us, y'all!"
Danyele. 36. Been Exclusive for Five Years.
"Losing my man. Losing him is what terrifies me. I'm not talking about to another woman or even getting a divorce. I'm talking about death. I love my man so much that I think I've been holding off on the marriage thing because that means I'm all in and if he beat me to the punch [died first], I have no idea how I would take that. For me, staying dating is kind of like a wall to protect myself. I know some widows and losing their husbands close to destroyed them. Death is inevitable but I'm still not sure I want to take that risk."
Like I said, marriage — and the hesitations about marriage — are vast. Hopefully, this confirmed that, gave you some things to think about and maybe will even give you the "push" to share some of your own insights in the comments. Marriage is beautiful. It's also OK to have some real concerns or not want to do it. It really is.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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