Can you believe we've made it to the last month of the year already?! Well, December has a few gifts in store for us before we start the new year.
On the 2nd, Jupiter begins its transit through Capricorn, teaching us the value of hard work and discipline. Mercury moves into optimistic Sagittarius on the 9th, getting us in the holiday spirit with a chatty Full Moon in Gemini following shortly behind on the 12th. Luck favors the bold around the 15th as Jupiter trines Uranus. The planet of love moves into Aquarius on the 20th, placing an emphasis on connecting with like-minded folks that strive to make an impact on the world. The Sun moves into Capricorn on the 21st, followed by the onset of eclipse season with a New Moon on the 26th. It's out with the old and in with the new just in time for the new year.
Check out what's in store for your zodiac sign below:
Aries
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The month begins with expansive Jupiter moving into Capricorn where it will be transiting through your career sector for the next year. This time frame requires you to match your big faith with practical efforts that will ultimately have you reaping some major benefits around this time next year. On the 9th, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, putting you in a position to inspire others with the wisdom you have to share. This transit encourages you to go back to school or attend those seminars to flex your brainpower. Now that we're out of the retrograde, this is a perfect time to plan that international getaway as well.
The Full Moon on the 12th is supportive for finalizing and releasing any projects you've been working on behind the scenes. Use this time to also reassess your personal narrative. Around the 15th, good luck may be knocking on your door with a raise or career move that will put you on the map. On the 20th, Venus moves into Aquarius to help you attract the right people to meet your goals. The month winds down with a New Moon solar eclipse on the 26th, inviting you to release your fears about stepping into your personal power. You're a born leader, babe. It's time to show it to the world.
Taurus
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
After transiting through Sagittarius for the past year, Jupiter moves into your sister sign on the 2nd, requiring you to get more serious when it comes to your spiritual development. Going back to school, attending seminars, or doing some in-depth research will benefit your quest for greater spiritual awareness. Opportunities to share your wisdom as a teacher will likely present themselves along the way. On the 9th, Mercury moves into truth-seeking (and telling) Sagittarius, making this a good time to book that therapy session or call up that person you consider as your soft place to land.
The Full Moon on the 12th encourages you to take a look at your finances which will require you to reassess your money mindset. Be mindful of the ways you sabotage your earning potential due to scarcity complex. Around the middle of the month, you're invited to embrace your inner genius and act upon the brilliant ideas that are flooding your beautiful mind. On the 20th, Venus moves into Aquarius, helping you attract the right people to help you advance professionally. If the seasonal depression is taking a toll on you, plan that getaway to somewhere warm and sunny. The month ends with a New Moon Solar eclipse on the 26th, inviting you to check in with your higher self to make sure you're still walking your path of purpose.
Gemini
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The month begins with Jupiter moving into Capricorn where it will be for the next year, inviting you to take the hero's journey through your psyche. It may not be the easiest energy to deal with but it will teach you the value of showing up to face some of your deepest fears pertaining to matters of intimacy and sexuality. On the 9th, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, stimulating your relationships with more passion, making it a great time to share that vibrant energy of yours with your loved ones. Your Full Moon takes place on the 12th and you're the center of attention (and the drama if you're more worried about being right than simply sharing your thoughts at the holiday gathering).
Around the 15th, a sudden revelation is the catalyst you need to transform your money mindset. Your dreams, along with guidance from your ancestors, are granting you with some amazing ideas to increase your abundance. You may even receive some financial support from an unexpected source. On the 20th, Venus moves into your sister sign and you could be meeting someone in an educational setting or while traveling. An opportunity to share your work could provide some extra holiday cash so don't be afraid to share your unconventional ideas. The New Moon Solar eclipse on the 26th encourages you to celebrate the transformation you're in the midst of—regardless of how tough it is. Remember, dahling, it takes pressure to make diamonds.
Cancer
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Over the next year, your close relationships will help you experience the most growth with Jupiter moving into Capricorn on the 2nd. During this transit, you and bae may be tying the knot (or you'll meet that special someone you can do life with). Favorable business connections are also likely under this influence. When Mercury moves into Sagittarius on the 9th, be mindful of what you discuss amongst your coworkers. Err on the side of caution when it comes to expressing your political or religious views. On the 12th, the Full Moon in Gemini helps you get clear on what (and who) needs to be let go before stepping into 2020.
Around the middle of the month, luck favors you thanks to all of your networking efforts. As the saying goes, "It's not what you know. It's who you know." On the 20th, Venus moves into Aquarius, making you a magnet for financial support; thus it's the perfect time to apply for that loan or line of credit. Towards the end of the month, most of the action takes place in Capricorn—your relationship house. They don't call this time of year engagement season for no reason. If romance isn't your top priority, expect for your clientele to expand or to start that new job just in time for the new year. On the 26th, the New Moon Solar eclipse encourages you to seek more balance within new and existing partnerships that will be a part of the legacy you're building together.
Leo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
After Jupiter spent the last year expanding your creativity, its transit through Capricorn requires you to get more disciplined regarding your daily routines. Practice makes perfect, whether your aim is to transform your physical body, improve your health, or to simply tap into a better rhythm in your day-to-day activities. On the 9th, Mercury moves into Sagittarius to boost your confidence even more while also bringing opportunities for romance into your life. The Full Moon on the 12th makes you the center of attention amongst your friends but what's new to the most popular sign of the zodiac? If you're big into social media, you could go viral around this time.
Around the middle of the month, luck is on your side professionally. The long hours and hard work haven't gone unnoticed. Your inner genius will be activated at this time so make sure to jot down your ideas. On the 20th, Venus moves into Aquarius and partnerships (romantic and business) prosper when there's a like-minded vision that can be accomplished in unison. The Sun moves into Capricorn on the 21st, shortly followed by the New Moon eclipse on the 26th. It's time to examine any bad habits that affect your mental and physical health. Make sure to compartmentalize your inner critic, which has a sneaky way of distracting you from your purpose.
Virgo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
December begins with Jupiter moving into Capricorn where it'll transit through for the next year, inspiring you to reach new heights in your creativity and self-expression. If you're open to romance, this can also be a good time to start dating again. On the 9th, Mercury moves into Sagittarius, getting you in the spirit to spend time with your family. The Full Moon on the 12th calls for celebration of a long-awaited professional goal. On the same day, Chiron goes direct and you're feeling more empowered to march to the beat of your own drum. There are followers and there are leaders. Trust your abilities, and the temporary discomfort, that comes with paving a new lane.
Around the 15th, a sudden opportunity to share your creation or expertise may present itself. On the 20th, Venus moves into Aquarius and a fellow co-worker could finally shoot their shot (or vice versa). During this transit, you'll be more attracted to people that can keep up with your Mercurial mind. Volunteering at a local organization can also be a great way to meet someone. On the 21st, Capricorn season begins with a New Moon Solar eclipse following behind on the 26th. It's time to wrap up one project to make room for the new creations you're incubating this winter. Make sure to let your inner child out to play these last few days of the year before it's back to business in 2020!
Libra
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The month kicks off with Jupiter moving into Capricorn, bringing your focus to family and home over the next year. You may be adding a new addition to your family, buying a home, or investing in real estate during this transit. On the 9th, Mercury spices up your communication, making you a joy to be around given the extra enthusiasm you're experiencing. Be a voice of encouragement to those around you! The Full Moon on the 12th helps you straighten out any immigration or travel affairs. If you're in school, it's finally time to wrap up the semester for a much-needed break (and vacation). A much-needed "aha" moment occurs around the 15th, regarding intimacy blocks that were developed in your childhood.
On the 20th, Venus invites you to do more of what you love whether that's getting back to that creative hobby or allowing yourself to indulge in your fav rom-coms. Capricorn season officially begins on the 21st, encouraging you to connect with your roots. The New Moon Solar eclipse on the 26th helps you break free from generational patterns that strip you of your personal autonomy. Once Mercury moves into Capricorn on the 28th, you're ready to move past the mental barriers that inhibit you from living life by your design.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Over the next year, Jupiter is helping you expand through learning and communication. Some of you may be going back to school or embracing the power of your voice through writing or vlogging. On the 9th, Mercury has you focused on your hustle, making this a good time to profit off of your area of expertise. The Full Moon on the 12th invites you to see some of your most traumatic experiences through a clearer lens. You have the power to transform your pain into something beautiful. Around the 15th, good news from a significant other or business partner has you feeling motivated to keep striving towards your goals.
On the 20th, Venus moves into Aquarius which has you in homebody mode, preferring to spend time with your loved ones in the comfort of your own space discussing the latest trending topics. The Sun officially moves into Capricorn on the 21st with a New Moon Solar eclipse taking place on the 26th. You're encouraged to be mindful of the voice you're projecting out into the world. Your words have more power than you know. Mercury moving into this same part of your chart on the 28th emphasizes the importance of how you communicate which has the potential to place you in a position of greater influence.
Sagittarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
After spending the past year in your sign, Jupiter moves into Capricorn to expand your finances and enhance your self-esteem. On the 9th, Mercury moves into your sign, making this a busy time for you. Stay on top of your text messages, emails, and DMs so you don't miss out on those important invitations. The Full Moon on the 12th finalizes a chapter within a key relationship or business agreement so you can make space for something better. Around the 15th, unexpected money may be gifted to you from some work you completed a while ago.
Venus moves into Aquarius on the 20th, making you a magnet for attention on your social media platforms. Online dating is also favorable during this transit as well. If you're not interested in romance, this could be a great time to feel a sense of community amongst your followers or subscribers. Towards the end of the month, most of the action takes place in Capricorn with a New Moon Solar eclipse on the 26th encouraging you to sift through your scarcity complex so you can finally reap the abundance that has your name on it. On the 28th, Mercury helps you get focused on building more long-term security for yourself and your loved ones.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The month begins with Jupiter moving into your sign for the next year, which should be a bit of a reprieve with the pressure of Saturn in your sign. You'll still be required to bust your ass but the rewards will be that much sweeter over the months to come as this transit stretches you in ways your favorite lover could never. On the 9th, Mercury intensifies your dreams while also helping you burn through karmic baggage that needs to be laid to rest before 2020. The Full Moon on the 12th may reveal a hidden enemy in the workspace. Don't fret though. Clearly, you've got something worth hating on.
A sweet, romantic surprise may await you around the 15th. Either that or your creative genius will inspire the next R&B sensation within yourself. On the 20th, Venus helps you attract financial opportunities and connections that are in alignment with your purpose. During this time, a mental connection is top priority for you when it comes to love. The month winds down with the Sun entering your sign (happy birthday!) and a New Moon Solar eclipse inviting you to shed the layers of the old you to embrace the new form that is to come in the new year.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
December kicks off with Jupiter moving into Capricorn, helping you to expand spiritually over the next year through a more disciplined approach than you may be used to. On the 9th, Mercury has you excited to connect with new and old friends alike during the holiday season. There could even be discussions about how you all can collaborate towards a joint effort or cause. The Full Moon on the 12th invites your inner child out to play. It's time to reveal that creative project or indulge in some wining and dining. Embrace pleasure and allow yourself to get whisked away in adventure, whether it's a short vacay or trying out that wine bar that's been on your list for a while.
Your ancestors may be trying to get through to you around the 15th. Pay attention to your dreams and any synchronicities that remind you of their presence. On the 20th, Venus moves into your sign and all eyes are on you. This is one of the most favorable times of the year for you to receive all of the blessings and abundance you so rightfully deserve. The Sun moves into Capricorn on the 21st and is shortly followed by the New Moon Solar eclipse on the 26th. What are you being called to release? What lessons have you mastered at this point? Karmic closure is available to you as long as you're willing to surrender to the process and embrace the void that will soon be filled with new life.
Pisces
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
After spending the last year in Sagittarius, Jupiter moves into Capricorn on the 2nd, helping you expand your social network and online presence. This transit won't be easy but it will provide you with long-lasting results as long as you stay committed to the vision. On the 9th, Mercury lights the fire beneath your ass, motivating you to boss up professionally. Your superiors are loving your optimistic, go-getter attitude, which makes you a prime candidate for a raise or promotion. The Full Moon on the 12th brings some family drama to the surface for resolution. This could also indicate a time in which you change residence as well.
Around the 15th, you could receive some good news that allows you to share your work on a larger scale. Venus, planet of love and money, draws in some assistance from an unexpected source. Pay close attention to your dreams as they provide insight into beliefs that are blocking your flow of abundance. On the 21st, the Sun moves into Capricorn followed by a New Moon Solar eclipse on the 26th. It's time to ditch the self-sabotaging agenda that keeps you stuck in unfulfilling friendships. Moving into 2020, you'll be connecting with your real tribe that's down to support you and your dreams 100%.
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
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'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Let me take you to a place nice and quiet. There ain’t no one there to interrupt, ain’t gotta rush. I just want to take it nice and slow. If you don’t know the source of those song lyrics — chile, I don’t know what to tell you because, as far as your customized sex playlists go, it should definitely be somewhere on one of ‘em. And when it comes to what we’re going to unpack, just a bit today, that is definitely the first jam that came to my mind.
Sex. Sex that is nice and slow. It’s the absolute best. Or is it?
Now, if you’re already thinking that I must be buggin’ to even question that, let me first state that sex and foreplay are not the exact same thing. By definition, foreplay is what transpires prior to actual intercourse — the prelude, if you will. As far as how long that should be, quite a bit of research says that 20 minutes is what most women prefer (you can read about that here, here, and here). Okay, but after the warm-up session, is it more satisfying for things to take a shorter (fast) or longer (slow) amount of time? And yeah, what about all of the thrusting? What does science say the speed of that should be as well?
I think it goes without saying that when it comes to sexual satisfaction, “to each his or her own” should be the mindset and motto (check out “I’ve Got 7 'Sex Mantras' That Will Seriously Improve Your Sex Life” while you’re at it).
Still, if you’re curious about what research and data say about fast vs. slow sex, I’ve got a bit of intel that just might surprise you.
This Is What Science Says “Fast Sex” Is
hurry GIFGiphyFast: moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; moving or able to move, operate, function, or take effect quickly; done in comparatively little time; taking a comparatively short time: fast work
Okay, so question: When it comes to sex, when you think of it going fast, what’s the movement that immediately comes to your mind? If it’s thrusting, that tracks because, after all, how would penetrative copulation be able to transpire without it? Well, when it comes to thrusting — and more specifically, the pace/speed of it — guess who prefers it to be faster?
If you thought men…you actually thought wrong, chile.
According to a popular survey that was published several years back, although a little over half of both male and female participants stated that they would like “an even split” between fast and slow-paced sex, almost 32 percent of women said that they prefer faster thrusting while a mere 20 percent of men agreed (interesting, right?). It should also go on record that (surprise, surprise) the over-35 crowd is who preferred slower sex the most along with those who actually had a deeper emotional connection with their partner (also, not shocking — more on that in a bit).
And while women preferring faster sex may seem odd on the surface, I venture to say not so much if you factor in how many absolutely enjoy vibrators these days — and honey, it’s A LOT of y’all because it would appear that at least 82 percent of women own at least one sex toy. And since masturbation to the point of orgasming apparently takes under five minutes (it would also appear that most women prefer to do this around 9 p.m., by the way) and, reportedly, sex toys can help you to climax faster and longer — it’s no wonder that those devices are all the rage these days.
And you know what? All of this is playing out to look like if an “efficient orgasm” truly is the (ultimate) goal, taking a short amount of time doesn’t bother (many) women in the least; in fact, most women prefer it. And that alone is why it shouldn’t be surprising that many women would prefer faster sex because — have you seen how quickly those damn rabbits move? Basically, so long as some actual sexual stimulation is transpiring, the faster, the better.
Ah — so perhaps what also needs to be factored in is women who can orgasm from penetration alone (which continues to not be a ton — check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”) are probably fonder of faster sex. Why? Well, the more that their G-spot is directly stimulated, the easier it is for them to “see the mountaintop” — and so, if their partner took his time long enough for them to be “ready to receive him” (check out “Here's How To Increase Vaginal Lubrication. Naturally.”), the thrusting — even the fast thrusting — will be pleasurable instead of uncomfortable. Yep, it makes all of the sense in the world.
Then there’s the timeframe of sex. To tell you the truth, “fast” wins out in that department as well because the average time for the most desirable type of intercourse? It’s been widely reported that it’s somewhere between 7-13 minutes. A GQ writer collected X (formerly known as Twitter) data from almost 2,400 people about five years ago and 61 percent of them said that they like penetration to last between 5-10 minutes (only 26 percent wanted it to go over 11 minutes).
Hmm…so while throwback R&B singer Lilo croons about wanting to make love all night long (if you know, you know), it looks like more women are actually on some Miguel “Quickie” (well…kind of…LOL).
So, where does slow sex fit into all of this? Yes, let’s touch on that.
This Is What Science Says “Slow Sex” Is
sexy make love GIF by SatisfactionGiphySlow: moving or proceeding with little or less than usual speed or velocity; characterized by lack of speed; taking or requiring a comparatively long time for completion
Now, I already shared that one study stated that people over 35 and those with a deeper emotional connection reportedly enjoy slower sex more than anyone else. From strictly a health angle, a part of that may be because, with age, comes things like delayed ejaculation for men and, for women, the shift/drop in sex hormones (during the later stage of perimenopause, in menopause and post-menopause) can make it more difficult to orgasm (or experience the same type of intensity of one).
Aside from that, though, pretty much every article that I read on the benefits of slow sex had more to do with the mental and emotional side of the sex than the physical benefits. For instance, slower sex makes (more) room for eye contact, being able to enjoy more intimate time with your partner, and you to get more creative (or romantic — check out “Tonight's The Night For A More Romantic Sexual Experience With Your Partner”). Then there’s the relevant point that slower sex encourages you to be more mindful (meaning, “in the moment” — check out “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?”).
Also, many experts believe that slower sex is what can help to close the orgasm gap because it encourages men to slow down (since they can orgasm way quicker and easier than most women) and “wait” for their partner to “get on the same page,” climax-wise, as them.
Now, I will say that I found some data that stated that many people don’t prefer intercourse to go over 30 minutes because then it can start to feel a bit uncomfortable (for both the man and the woman), so that’s a point off for slower sex, for sure.
So, this reads to be that slow sex is great sex on a connection tip, not automatically or necessarily a peak-of-physical-pleasure one…because, again, we’re not talking about foreplay (or afterplay, for that matter); we’re talking strictly intercourse here.
Okay, So Which One Is Better?
GiphyAight, so now that you have all of this science-backed information to ponder over, what are your thoughts? Did you go into this assuming that surely slower sex is best — yet now you see that some pretty solid points about faster sex have been made? Maybe you never looked at fast sex this way because you never “separated” foreplay from actual sex — now that you do, perhaps fast sex doesn’t warrant the eye rolls that you used to give it. Or maybe you’re someone who isn’t wired to enjoy sex unless it’s slower because a deep emotional connection must be present for you to enjoy sex at all.
To me, when I think of “better,” I think of something being more satisfying, and, strictly, from a scientific standpoint, it does look like more foreplay first and faster sex second is the winning combination.
That said, though, I honestly believe that the greater focus needs to be that paces are “in sync” because, if your partner is fast and you are slower (or vice versa), that probably makes for the most “womp-womp-womp” sexual experience of all.
I also believe that if you got no other takeaway from all of this — DO BOTH. Don’t turn your nose up at fast sex (including quickies) and make time to connect with your partner…because even if you don’t always cum from slower sex, the emotions that are shared can still make it a truly wonderful experience.
Finally, share this with your partner. See what he has to say. It might be time for him to separate foreplay and sex, for a more satisfying experience for all parties involved (just sayin’).
At the end of the day, again, doowutchyalike (the real ones know) — just don’t knock what science says about it all…because what you may have turned your nose at, with a bit of tweaking, it could quickly because your all-time fave. No pun intended. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy