In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
Two years ago, Ashlei Lauren posted her very first video on YouTube as a natural hair care blogger. Since that day, the 28-year-old influencer has started multiple businesses and amassed more than 85K followers. A lot can change in a short amount of time and adaptability is the name of the game when it comes to leveling up after making a major transition, but the key to this Pretty Hippie's hustle is balance.
Born and raised in Birmingham, Ashlei is a self-proclaimed workaholic in recovery. As a full-time wife, mother, songwriter, and business owner, it's not easy to find time for herself, but according to her, self-care is not an option, issa necessity. She told xoNecole, "I will work day and night until I get overwhelmed and desperately need a break. One day I sat back and analyzed my life and I put everything into perspective. My son needs a mother and my husband needs a wife and that is more important than anything else."
When she's not burning Palo Santo, creating content, designing jewelry, or spending some hardcore one-on-one time with her fam, Ashlei is somewhere manifesting the life of her dreams. The blogger shared that by focusing on what she wants in life, she's found herself seeing less of what she doesn't.
"I always use basic Law of Attraction: What you put out into the universe is what you are going to get back," she explained. "So if you focus on the things that are hard or negative in your life, that's what you're going to keep attracting. If you continue to focus on the things that are going well when life gets hard, you can shift your reality to align with your thoughts."
We got a chance to sit down with Ashlei, who shared exactly how she finds balance as a sage burning mommy on a mission. Here's what she had to say:
What’s been the driving force behind all of the hats that you wear these days? What is your “why”?
My why is my two-year-old Sun "Solar Ray". I'm determined to provide a better life for him. When he's of age to work, I don't want him to have to clock-in to a 9-5. I'm focused on establishing a brand that will remain in the family so that when I retire, Solar and my future children can take over.
What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical work week and what that might consist of.
A typical day for me would be waking up and cooking breakfast for my son and feeding our puppy, Heru. Then, after breakfast, I do learning activities and interact with Solar. After that, I check emails and IG messages and see how my pages and content are doing. Then, I plan my posts (sometimes I do this the night before) and edit pictures. If I have to take pictures, I get dolled up and play in makeup!
After that, I have to put my son down for a nap. Normally while he is napping, I edit my Youtube videos or use this time to record when it's nice and quiet. When Solar wakes from his nap, I make him lunch then we may go outside or to the neighborhood park. After my husband comes home from work, I prepare dinner and then start my studio sessions. I'm currently working on my first EP.
Courtesy of Ashlei Lauren
What are your mornings like?
My mornings are funny! I wake up to a demanding two-year-old screaming, "Mommy I want Juice! Mommy I want to eat! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" And an occasional jump on the head if I don't get up in a timely fashion! I'm grateful to have such a happy child. We normally spend our mornings dancing and playing while getting breakfast ready. Oh, and potty training! Oh what fun! (Laughs)
How do you wind down at night?
I wind down by rounding up my family and putting on a movie while we lay in bed. It's another way we make sure we are spending that quality time. Then, we all just pass out and fall asleep.
When you have a busy week, what’s the most hectic part of it?
Courtesy of Ashlei Lauren
The most hectic part of my week is having to make products and ship them out in a timely fashion. Because I'm so busy working on content and doing all of the other things I mentioned, running two businesses where I physically have to make and ship the products is the most hectic for me. I do everything myself at the moment. I can't wait for the day my husband can leave his job. Then it won't be such a big load for me.
Do you practice self-care? What does that look like for you?
Absolutely! Self-care is taking the time to heal your mind, body, and spirit. I do this by taking out time for myself. Whether it be going to shop, attending a hula hoop class, having a girl's night, or just [being] secluded in a room alone with just me and my thoughts and no interruptions, self-care is always on my to-do list.
What advice do you have for busy women who feel like they don’t have time for self-care?
I would say it's a necessity. If you don't have time to care for yourself, how can you properly care for someone else? I have to be 100% to give 100% to my family. If I'm stressed, it shows in the way I care for them.
Courtesy of Ashlei Lauren
"If you don't have time to care for yourself, how can you properly care for someone else? I have to be 100% to give 100% to my family. If I'm stressed, it shows in the way I care for them."
How do you find balance with:
Friends?
Honestly, I don't have many friends. I may go out with friends once a month, if that, so that doesn't really take up a lot of my time. My husband is literally my best friend and we are together for the majority of the time.
Love/Relationships?
I have been with my husband, Tevin, for eight years. We have been married for three years. Keeping the communication open and honest allows us to maintain a healthy relationship. He has an understanding of what I do and what it takes for me to reach my goals, so he is very supportive. Even if we are in the same room working on two different projects, at least we are together on the same page. We make sure we keep the romance alive in our relationship by having date nights. They are always spontaneous and never planned, but they are always so magical and remind us why we pursued each other eight years ago.
The self?
I find balance with myself by communicating with my spirit. Asking myself questions like, "Are you happy? Are you ok? Are you wasting time or progressing on your dreams?" That helps me get a sense of self and my state of being. If I feel weird about any of the questions I ask myself, then I know it's time to visit some of the areas and find out the root causes of my discomfort.
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
I pull out my labradorite crystal and wear it. This is my go-to for any creative block I may be having. It hasn't failed me yet. Wearing or holding Labradorite helps you tap into a higher state of consciousness, therefore I can create on a higher conscious level. Uncertainty has always been a struggle for me. Always being too critical of myself and wondering if people will even like me are the thoughts that used to consume me. I had to learn to let go of fear because fear keeps you comfortable. In order to get different results, you have to do different things. So if I'm doing "fear" and it hasn't been working for me, I now have to do "brave" if I want to accomplish my goals and that's exactly what I am doing now.
What does happiness mean to you?
To me, happiness means the mind being free. What I mean by that is, letting go of all hurt and anger, practicing forgiveness daily, and being aware of anything that may have caused pain or trauma and dealing with it. Once you dive deep into yourself and let go of things hiding in your soul, you can become mentally free which leads to everlasting happiness.
"I had to learn to let go of fear because fear keeps you comfortable. In order to get different results, you have to do different things. So if I'm doing 'fear' and it hasn't been working for me, I now have to do 'brave' if I want to accomplish my goals and that's exactly what I am doing now."
What is something you think others forget when it comes to finding balance?
I think people forget to love themselves and love those around them. It's easy to get caught up and neglect yourself and the ones you love while chasing your dreams. I know because I've done it. Finding that balance is very important.
To keep up with Ashlei, follow her on Instagram @_AsheliLauren_!
Featured image courtesy of Ashlei Lauren.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Personally, that is just one of the things I experienced while growing up, although the main reason why I’ve been estranged from my mother for (I think) about six years now (I honestly haven’t really been keeping track at this point) is because she simply doesn’t respect my boundaries. Even well into my adulthood, she has refused to do it and it was messing with my inner peace and personal growth on a few different levels — and y’all, I don’t care who it is, no one should have that kind of power over someone else’s life (if you want to read more about my journey with estrangement, I tackle the topic in my latest book).
And before some of you come with the ever-so-manipulated Bible verse “Honor your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), I hope you also remember that there is a Scripture that says, “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4 — NKJV) To provoke is “to stir up, arouse, or call forth (feelings, desires, or activity)”; know what else it is: “to anger, enrage, exasperate, or vex.” Funny how it is not preached or taught nearly enough that parents are absolutely not supposed to raise their kids or treat their adult children in a way that angers, enrages, exasperates, or vexes them — and think about it: when’s the last time you heard a sermon on that? I’ll wait.
Besides, unless you’re someone who has made the courageous decision to put distance between the person/people who’ve raised you, you honestly don’t get how much of a sacrifice it can be. Very few of us are flippant about that decision. Very few of us saw our adult life without our parent(s) in it. Very few of us wanted to deal with all of the “fallout” that comes with making that kind of choice because listen, for me, it’s almost like being in witness protection in the sense of having to also leave certain people who are associated with her alone as well because either they also don’t respect boundaries or they try further victimize me by attempting to impose their opinions into something that they absolutely shouldn’t (for instance, when I shared what I went through with her, one of my closest friends at the time, more than once called me “petty”…yeah, he had to go; you don’t have to defend why you need to protect yourself…if you are doing that, those are unsafe people you are talking to).
It’s not like I’m rare either. In fact, it’s been reported that close to 30 percent of adults are currently estranged from at least one of their parents (you can read about it here, here, here, here, and here). And with that being said, today, we’re going to hear from 10 women (well, technically 12 if you include the videos at the beginning and end) as they share their own reasons why they made the decision to go “no contact” with their own parent/parents.
If you are estranged, I hope you will see that you are not alone. If you aren’t, I hope it will help you to have more compassion for those who have made this kind of choice. Because although “adulthood is surviving childhood” is true for many of us, it actually wasn’t supposed to be that way. And so, we’ve had to take great lengths to go from “surviving” to “flourishing”…even if that meant doing it without the ones who — alongside God, of course — created us.
Article continues after the video.
*Middle names are used so that people can speak freely*
1. Michelle. 32. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“My mother is a narcissist — only I didn’t know it because I didn’t have much to compare her to because she kept me away from a lot of…everything. Ironically, that is a telling sign that you’ve got a narcissistic parent: they think you are an extension of them, so they try and make you do everything just like them. Since they are so bad at respecting boundaries, they don’t care how old you are — they think they have a say in every decision that you make because their ego is bigger than their love.
It took me years of therapy to recognize this but once I did and I told my mom that she was hypercritical, that she used to pit me and my siblings against each other, that she only knows how to gaslight and manipulate — she played the victim and told me that if I couldn’t accept her as she was, we couldn’t have a relationship.
That’s another thing about narcissist: they hate accountability. I think there should be more articles about parents who are estranged from their kids because they pull that ‘my way or the highway’ BS. I didn’t exactly leave my mom, but I did tell her what I wasn’t going to tolerate. We haven’t spoken in four years, ever since I drew that line. She left because she didn’t know how to humble herself, and I am fine with that. Arrogant people are toxic to be around.”
2. Iyan. 36. Estranged from Her Parents for 11 Years.
Giphy“I don’t think that a lot of parents get that they act like their kids should idolize them, which is crazy. We’re not toys or puppets who are supposed to do whatever they say, whenever they say it. Even as a parent myself, I think there is a difference between a child’s individuality and a child obeying me. Too many other parents have too much ego to think the differences through. To your question — I am estranged from my parents because they disapproved of who I chose to marry. He’s not the same faith as them but I don’t think that would even matter because they damn near betrothed me when I was a kid.
They wanted to choose my career path, my husband, my role in church — everything. It got to the point where they were disrespecting my husband, our relationship, and my feelings, and so it was time to boomerang their own Bible and remind them that when you get married, you ‘leave and cleave’ to your spouse and move on from your family. If your family accepts that, they can be in your life. If not, you’ve got to move on. They chose for me to be estranged, not me. I put my husband first, just like I was supposed to.”
3. Jahkai. 29. Estranged from Her Mother for Four Years.
Giphy“Sometimes I think that people just have children so that they can have someone to boss around as kids and intimidate when they become adults. My mother is one of those people because it’s like her whole existence centers around trying to force me to live the life that she wants me to live. I used to be so afraid of her, even if that just meant afraid of her rejection, that I would go along with it.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and saw that she wasn’t even going to respect me as a mom — and when I saw signs that she was going to try and pull that shit with my own child? The claws came out. I tried expressing my concerns and setting some boundaries, but she dismissed my feelings and walked right over my boundaries, so she had to go. There was no way that she was going to try and raise the child I birthed. My child needs peace. So do I.”
4. Gillian. 24. Estranged from Her Parents for Almost Two Years.
Giphy“I’m bisexual. That’s the beginning and end of it. I personally think it’s creepy when a parent can be so invested into their grown child’s sexuality that it ends up wrecking their own world. You sleep with who you want to sleep with, and I will do the same.
My parents don’t see it that way. They told me that unless I stop loving women, we have nothing to talk about. You only love me if I love who and how you love? That doesn’t sound like love at all.
I don’t expect my parents to agree with my life or even like it. I just don’t want you penalizing me because we are different. Seems really immature to be any other way…to me, anyway.”
5. Aubrie. 27. Estranged from Father for Four Years.
Giphy“My father always wanted me to be an accountant, and I hate math. That’s insane. That’s what happens when you don’t make the time to get to know your own children. So many parents are egomaniacs in that way — just because I look like you doesn’t mean that I am you. Until my sophomore year in college, I just held my tongue and suffered through my education because when I was living at home, I didn’t really have a choice, and when I went to school, my parents paid for my education.
They didn’t want me to have any debt, and I appreciated that, but my spirit was going into debt anyway because my dad had me on a path that I didn’t like or want, and my mom was too weak to speak up for either one of us. By my junior year, I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to get student loans, so that I could start over and major in English. That pissed my dad off two ways because I was changing my major and I was going to take on debt.
We’re not estranged in the classic sense. It’s more like he doesn’t come to the phone whenever I call, and he grunts words over the holidays. So, I call less and go home even less than that. We’re headed towards ‘no contact’ if he doesn’t get over the fact that he has a life, and so do I.”
6. Lameeya. 41. Estranged from Her Mother for Eight Years.
Giphy“My mother? I just don’t like her — I never really have. I can’t stand how we’ll all agree that you should choose your friends wisely, but when it comes to your blood, it’s like you should be all in their lap simply because they are related to you. Toxic is toxic, and my mother is the embodiment of that. She plays mind games. She manipulates. She gaslights. She’s spoiled and entitled. I would never pick her as a friend. She drains me in every way. It’s like whenever I would even sense that she was going to call or come around, I would get hives, and it got to the point where it didn’t make sense that I should suffer just because she’s my mother. Who came up with that?”
7. Sloane. 25. Estranged from Her Mother for One Year.
Giphy“I grew up COGIC. If you know, you know. When you’re a kid, you don’t know any different or better, but once I started to seek out my own path, I realized that Christianity just wasn’t for me. My mother damn near lives at church and so, of course, I was declaring that I wanted to go to hell in her eyes when I told her that I had chosen the Baháʼí faith. Christians can be so rude. Somehow, they want you to respect what they believe, but they are so comfortable preaching hell and damnation if you don’t think like them.
Anyway, a part of why I chose Baháʼí is because it’s very peaceful to me, and religion never brought me peace in my mother’s house. Now that I’m all about this peace-filled life, anything that is ‘anti’ it has to go. She was on the top of my list. If you can’t respect what makes me ‘me,’ why are you here? It’s just been a year now. If we remain out of contact, that’s kind of on her, but I have no desire to hear her preach every time we speak. Be my mom. I don’t want a pastor.”
8. Torrin. 33. Estranged from Her Parents for Six Years.
Giphy“You have your own dysfunctional issues going on if you think that you owe someone your sanity simply because they birthed you. A good parent doesn’t just give you life — they provide a safe environment for that life, and my parents didn’t.
My mother was hell on wheels, and my father was a weak man who let her be that way. She was controlling, erratic, and exhausting, while he just let it all happen.
I recently read that Khloe Kardashian said that her mom didn’t like it when she first started therapy. Controlling parents never do. It took me a lot of therapy to stop beating myself up mentally the way that my mother did emotionally and sometimes physically, but once I got that she was the problem and healing was the solution, I had no problem letting them both go: her for being abusive and my father for being complacent.”
9. Kristine. 40. Estranged from Her Mother for Six Months.
Giphy“You always want your parents to get along with your husband — I just didn’t bet on my mother loving him more than me, especially now that we are divorced. That man cheated on me, more than once, and although I didn’t tell my mom while we were married about it, once we separated and I explained why I made what was a really difficult decision for me, she kept finding excuses for him and even tried to make me feel bad for not trying to make it work. Divorces are hard, and the last thing I needed was my mother trying to ‘beat me up’ for standing up for myself.
Now I’ve got questions about her marriage because if you think that I should tolerate nonsense, have you been tolerating your husband’s? Has he been tolerating yours? You get a certain age, and you start to wonder how much projecting your parents do onto you. Anyway, we haven’t talked to each other in six months. She and my ex apparently still go out to dinner, though. You two enjoy.”
10. Madolyn. 45. Estranged from her Father for 20 Years.
Giphy“I had an abusive father. He was an alcoholic while I was growing up, and so fear instead of love kept me in communication with him once I became an adult. The plot twist is, he got clean while I was in college, but he suddenly had all kinds of amnesia about the pain that he caused. His apologies were sh-t like ‘I don’t remember that, but if you need me to apologize, okay.’ So, our lives were a living hell, and that’s all you’ve got because it hurts you too much to face it? Ain’t that a bitch.
The last time we spoke was right before I turned 25. I think someone is more harmful when they can’t own their sh-t than when they are actually doing it, because that means they could do it again. No thanks. I’ll take wholeness.”
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As you can see, being estranged from a parent, going “no contact” with them, it has many layers, reasons, and scenarios. For me, as I listened to all of these women, what did come to my mind, though, is — how beautiful is it that, if the “beauty for ashes” in their stories is they had the strength to become self-aware, self-sufficient and healthy adults in spite of the cracks in their foundation, then there is a silver lining in it all. You should never feel guilt or shame for protecting yourself in ways that your parents absolutely should have. NOT. EVER.
And so, the sacrifice was well worth it — because ladies, look at you now. Salute.
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