

The season of love begins with a 1st quarter moon in Taurus inviting us to indulge in our creature comforts. On the 3rd, Mercury transitions into Pisces whisking us off into La La Land. Matters of romance get hot and spicy when Venus moves into Aries on the 7th. Watch out for a clash of egos leading up to the dramatic Full Moon in Leo on the 9th. Mars moving into Capricorn on the 16th reminds you to let your work speak for itself. On the same day, Mercury begins its first retrograde of 2020 which takes place in ethereal Pisces. Once the Sun moves into this mutable zodiac sign on the 18th, it'll be difficult to stay focused on the practical matters. However, the New Moon on the 23rd invites us to find the magic in the mundane.
Check out your cosmic blueprint for the month ahead below:
Aries
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This time of the year begins to slow down for you as much of the inner planets move into Pisces. Your dream world is getting pretty weird when Mercury moves into this part of your sky on the 3rd. However, communication with the spirit world is all the more easy for you during this transit. On the 7th, Venus moves into your sign making you THE hot commodity.
Fortune and favor follows the bold and we all know you have no qualms about shooting your shot.
Around the Full Moon on the 9th, you may finally let your crush know you're interested or debut that creative project you've been working on behind the scenes. Your ruling planet, Mars, moves into Capricorn on the 16th, helping you get ahead in career matters. Just make sure you're not bulldozing your boss over on your way to the top of the ladder. On the same day, Mercury goes retrograde, helping you get clear about whether you're truly ready to part ways with something (or someone) for good. February comes to a close with the Sun and Moon snuggled up in Pisces on the 23rd, inviting you to choose the path of the peaceful warrior. Sometimes surrendering is our wisest course of action. *Cues the "Serenity Prayer"*
Taurus
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The month begins with a cozy quarter moon in your sign on the 1st, making it a good day to do your favorite thing—absolutely nothing (unless you're making time to stuff your face with pizza and wings). On the 3rd, Mercury moves into Pisces, helping you heal any rifts among your social circle. Bring on the good vibes! Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into wild ass Aries on the 7th. You could be attracting a fiery individual into your life or embodying the flame yourself. The Full Moon on the 9th is bringing the family drama to a head, giving you the clear to leave the nest or take some space to yourself. By the 3rd quarter moon on the 15th, the heat cools down, helping you make amends where necessary.
On the 16th, Mars moves into Capricorn getting you motivated toward your educational goals. What do you need to learn to develop yourself for your long-term goals? Now is the time to create your plan of action. The first Mercury Retrograde of the year begins on the same day, bringing back some old friends, and issues with them, from the past. It's up to you to decide if it's worth reconciling or leaving behind. This is also a good time to breathe some new life into an old vision of yours that is fading away. The month winds down with both the Sun and Moon in Pisces, restoring your hope in your connection to others and the purpose you're meant to serve in this life.
Gemini
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February kicks off with Mercury moving into Pisces on the 3rd, helping you make magic in your chosen career path. On the 7th, the planet of love and money moves into passionate Aries which could have you attracting someone within your social circle. If you've been thinking about promoting someone from the friend zone, now would be a good time to do so. The Full Moon on the 9th helps you clear the air in a dramatic, I mean…a grand, way that really catches someone's attention. Make the best use of social media to take your brand to the next level around this time.
Energetic Mars moves into disciplined Capricorn on the 16th which has you hyper-focused on getting in good standing with financial institutions. It's time to get the credit card spending in check, ma'am. During this transit, you could also be faced with some pent-up aggression, needing a healthy outlet for release. Spending time in nature is beneficial but if it's too cold outside, surround yourself with plenty of plants and crystals. On the same day, Mercury goes retro, giving you a chance to revisit an important conversation about your career progression. The month comes to a sweet close with both the Sun and the Moon coupled up on the 23rd extending a new opportunity to you that feels like a major achievement.
Cancer
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Wanderlust is likely getting the best of you around the 3rd when Mercury moves into mutable Pisces. It's time to plan for that Spring Break trip—preferably before Mercury goes retro on the 18th. No worries if you can't book that flight to Cabo before then! Check out these tips for navigating Mercury Retrograde. On the 7th, Venus moves into Aries and you could find yourself attracting someone in a position of authority. The Full Moon on the 9th coaxes you out of your shell to shine that beautiful light of yours.
As you reveal your most authentic self, you'll align with the eternal source of wealth.
On the 16th, Mars moves into hardworking Capricorn and you're getting serious about your #relationshipgoals. During this transit, the insufferable "let's just go with the flow" types will likely get blocked. Mercury begins its first retrograde of the year on the same day, giving you a chance to triple-check your travel plans, study for exams, or to just spend some time reconnecting with your Higher Self. On the 18th, the Sun enters Pisces, marking the last month of the astrological year. February comes to a close with a New Moon on the 23rd inviting you to take a journey inward to find the treasures that lie within the wisdom of your experiences. Just make sure you come back out to share those gems with the rest of us!
Leo
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The month begins with a 1st quarter moon in Taurus. Use this energy to make that last final push towards that thing you need to check off your to-do list. On the 3rd, Mercury moves into Pisces which will have convos running deep as you prioritize your more intimate connections during this time. You'll need a soft space to land during this time, so make sure your support system is ready and available. The planet of love moves into fiesty Aries on the 7th and you could meet someone special at school, a seminar, or during your travels. When it comes to money-making ventures, think of ways that you can capitalize on selling information that you're an expert on. Your Full Moon takes place on the 9th and all eyes are on you! This is a good time to celebrate your growth of the seeds you planted six months ago at your New Moon.
Around the 15th, the energy gets chill with the 3rd quarter moon in Scorpio, inviting you to relax and reflect on the journey. On the 16th, Mars moves into Capricorn, getting your life all the way together. Discipline and routine are your best friends during this transit! This is also a supportive time to work towards those fitness goals. On the same day, Mercury begins its first retrograde of the year, making this a good time to call up your credit lender to work out a payment plan. During this transit, you may also be revisited by some old painful, emotional experiences. Trust that the feels will pass and you're a lot further along in your growth than your memories make it seem. On the 18th, the Sun enters Pisces and the New Moon follows shortly behind on the 23rd, reminding you of just how powerful you are for the wisdom you gained from some of your most challenging experiences.
Virgo
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Relationships take front and center at the beginning of the month when Mercury moves into Pisces, helping you smooth out any friction within your closest one-on-one connections. Once Venus moves into Aries on the 7th, you could feel like you're playing tug-of-war when it comes to matters of romance. Remember, it's not about being right. It's about being willing to learn and grow with someone (which does involve being wrong sometimes). On the 9th, the Full Moon illuminates a part of your subconscious that's been stifling the vibrancy of your expression.
What wounds do you need to resolve around your inner child to feel more safe in expressing this aspect of yourself?
On the 16th, driven Mars moves into Capricorn, helping you get more serious about your creative interests. It's time to turn those hobbies into new streams of income. When it comes to romance, you're desiring something more solid during this transit. Mercury begins its first retrograde of the year on the same day, making this a great time to revisit any business contracts and agreements that need some fine-tuning. On the 18th, the Sun enters Pisces heralding in the last season of the astrological year. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 23rd inviting you into a new professional or romantic partnership that is bound to bring more magic into your world.
Libra
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The month begins with you focused on improving your health and well-being. Although structure is usually the way to go about this, Piscean energy makes it a little more difficult to stay focused so opting for more free-flowing activities like dancing or taking a walk can be just what you need to clear your mind and get your blood flow circulating. On the 7th, Venus moves into Aries, heating up your love life and helping you attract more of the Type A personalities (if that's your thing). When it comes to money moves, don't be afraid to take the lead! The Full Moon on the 9th invites you to celebrate life with your friends. This is also great energy for a big social media reveal of that project or new merchandise you're dropping.
On the 16th, Mars moves into goal-oriented Capricorn and during this transit you'll be running a tight ship on the home front. This is a good time to work on any long overdue organizational projects. If you've been thinking about long-term investments, it's time to get out there and start hunting for properties. Also, be mindful of pent-up aggression toward your family members, particularly a masculine figure, during this time. On the same day, Mercury goes retrograde, making it a good time to check in with your doctor for your annual exam with your gynecologist. On the 18th, Pisces season officially begins and the month comes to a close with a magical New Moon on the 23rd inviting you to prioritize more emotional healing and balance in your life.
Scorpio
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February begins with a first quarter moon in Taurus on the 1st, creating a little tension between your growing need for space and the demands of others. Opt for a quiet night in and tell everyone else they can wait. On the 3rd, Mercury moves into Pisces, granting you the Midas touch when it comes to your creative projects. You've also got the gift of gab when it comes to wooing anyone that you're romantically interested in. On the 7th, Venus moves into Aries and a sexy workplace romance could be developing. If you want to avoid that drama, opt for the gym or some kind of fitness environment if you're open to meeting someone.
On the 9th, the Full Moon calls for a celebration of a long-awaited career achievement. Mars, the warrior, moves into bossy Capricorn on the 16th and you may be anxious to make a move. A short, weekend getaway would be perfect during this transit. Just make sure to run through your Mercury Retrograde checklist before you hit the road! On the same day, Mercury dips backwards through Pisces to help you make some edits to that creative project you've been toiling away at. On the 18th, the Sun officially enters Pisces and a New Moon follows shortly behind on the 23rd inviting you to embrace more pleasure, adventure, and magic.
Sagittarius
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Home and family matters are your top priorities at the beginning of the month once Mercury moves into Pisces on the 3rd. Conversations about renovating, renting, or buying property are likely. If you're in an established connection, you and your partner could be talking about adding a new addition to your household. On the 7th, Venus moves into Aries and dating gets fun for you again. You'll be attracting the more adventurous, take-charge types but just be mindful of a clash of the egos especially as we build up to the Full Moon in Leo on the 9th. We all know how much you love a friendly debate but certain conversations just shouldn't be had on the first date, okay, Saggie? Instead of being overly opinionated with your romantic interest, how about blogging about it instead?
On the 16th, Mars moves into disciplined Capricorn, helping you take a slow and steady approach to building wealth for yourself. Now that the holiday season is behind us, it's time to get serious about your financial goals for the year ahead. On the same day, Mercury goes retrograde giving you a chance to revisit a conversation about that house you're interested in closing on or that contractor you want to hire to renovate your kitchen. Pay attention to the details if you're signing any contract during this time. Pisces season officially begins on the 18th when the Sun enters the mutable zodiac sign represented by the fish and the month comes to a close with a sweet New Moon inviting you to plant your roots in something new.
Capricorn
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The 1st quarter moon in your sister sign, Taurus, has you feeling pretty productive right out of the gate in February, especially when it comes to materializing all of those genius creative ideas of yours. On the 3rd, Mercury moves into Pisces which will bring an element of sensitivity to your thoughts and communication over the next month. This is a good time to smooth out tension with siblings and to also show your softer side to the world, especially if you're an artist! On the 7th, home and family takes center stage once Venus moves into Aries. Be mindful of short tempers and unnecessary battles with roommates or the landlord.
The Full Moon on the 9th hits you in a vulnerable spot but you'll bravely accept the wake-up call headed your way. On a more practical level, you could be paying off some debt that's been hanging around for a while now. On the 16th, Mars moves into your sign, getting you energized and ready to take charge of your goals. You can be the most productive during this transit so make the most of it. Bear in mind that Mercury does go retro on the same day but for you it's no biggie—get your car maintenanced, back up your hard drive, and maybe take a short social media hiatus if you need it. On the 18th, the Sun moves into Pisces for the next month and it will be meeting the New Moon in the sky on the 23rd, inviting you to set the intentions for a new way of expressing your deepest, most sentimental emotions.
Aquarius
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Family tension could be stirring around the 1st quarter moon in Taurus at the beginning of the month. Choose your battles wisely. On the 3rd, Mercury moves into Pisces bringing the convo to money (magick). You're super in tune with the cosmic flow of abundance, so light up your prosperity candle or send up a prayer to your ancestors for some financial assistance. Love matters get hot and spicy when Venus moves into Aries where she's not so comfortable being. And for you, this placement can result in a bunch of unnecessary arguments with bae. However, if you're single, there should be a few VERY competitive suitors trying to get your attention on dating apps and social media. The Full Moon on the 9th calls for a celebration with a significant person in your life.
On the 16th, Mars moves into Capricorn helping you work through some unresolved feelings about your personal power. You're a lot more in control than you have previously thought. What will it take for you to embrace a sense of authority and ownership over the trajectory of your life? On the same day, Mercury goes retro for the first time this year, giving you a chance to revisit your budget, or any of those prosperity manifestations, to see what the progress is looking like. This is also a sensitive time in which you may be reminded of some experiences in which your self-esteem wasn't at its best. Remember, self-love is the best love. On the 18th, the Sun enters Pisces and cozies up with the New Moon on the 23rd, inviting you to embark on a new path to establish wealth that is in alignment with purpose.
Pisces
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The month begins with Mercury moving into your sign, making your world all the more mystical and magical than it already is. While everyone else around you will feel like they're in the twilight zone, you'll be the anchor that shows us how to navigate the non-material plane. On the 7th, Venus moves into Aries and you'll attract more wealth by highlighting the qualities that make you a unique individual. It's OK to toot your horn from time to time, babe. The Full Moon on the 9th could reveal a hidden enemy that's jealous of all of the attention you're getting. But like they say, "If you don't have haters, you must not be doing something right."
This energy can also help you recognize how you're being own worst enemy by sabotaging the success (and maybe even the fame) you're meant to experience.
On the 16th, Mars moves into Capricorn, helping you get serious about those big hopes and dreams of yours. It's time to get backed up with right support from an army that has a similar mission as you. What legacy can you and your tribe create together? On the same day, Mercury goes retrograde and you'll likely be revisited by people from the past the most. Forgiveness is always your best bet but allowing someone access to you in the same way is up to your discretion. Your birthday season officially begins on the 18th with the month ending on a sweet note with a beautiful New Moon on the 23rd inviting you to make a wish about the magic you want to experience in your life in the year to come.
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Feature Photo by Laci Jordan/xoNecole
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'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Black Women, You Deserve More: How Over-Giving Is Holding You Back In Love & Life
As a Black woman who has been conditioned to over-extend, overgive, and carry the weight of everyone else, I am going to hold your hand when I say this: Putting yourself first is no longer an option, it's the only option, sis.
In a world that demands our self-sacrifice, expects us to bend until we break, and labels us “strong” so we never dare complain or grow weary as we lift others ahead of ourselves, the journey to living authentically and prioritizing our own needs can feel radical. We’re taught to prove our worth through resilience and endurance, but at what cost? Too often, that cost is losing ourselves in roles that don’t truly honor who we are or what we truly need. And that is far too expensive of a cost.
I know this for a fact because a lot of my healing journey has involved unlearning what I learned about love as a child and unpacking the rhetoric around what Black women are expected to be for everyone, even if it's a danger to ourselves. I realized I was tired not because of life or the people around me but because of the things I was passively choosing for myself by not choosing myself.
Living more authentically has meant unlearning the belief that love is earned through over-giving and people-pleasing. It has meant learning how to advocate for myself even in discomfort in order to advocate for my wants and needs instead of settling for less. More than anything, it has also meant learning how to prioritize myself out of self-love and doing so as a daily practice.
Authenticity is not just a buzzword making its rounds on social media. It's a necessity and is arguably one of the most powerful things you can do for self.
That's why this conversation with Samantha Saunders, Licensed Professional Counselor & Authentic Relationship Expert, is so important. The host behind the Moving Beyond You podcast knows firsthand what it means to lose yourself in the pursuit of being enough for others. "When I was in my first marriage, I was so focused on being the ‘perfect wife’ and avoiding the stigma of divorce that I completely lost myself," she shares. "I thought if I just worked harder, sacrificed more, and ignored the red flags—like my husband’s repeated affairs—I could make it work. But all I did was make myself smaller and smaller until I didn’t recognize who I was anymore."
Through her own journey of self-reclamation, Saunders has learned that authenticity isn’t just about being honest with the world, it’s about being honest with yourself. In this interview, she opens up about her path to living an authentic life, her insights into breaking unhealthy relational loops, and how embracing abundance can help you reclaim your narrative and live a life that truly speaks to you.
If you’re ready to shift from over-giving to choosing yourself by living authentically, keep reading.
The Power of Authenticity in Self-Prioritization
For many women, particularly Black women, putting yourself first presents a unique challenge. Between societal expectations and personal obligations, self-prioritization can not only feel uncomfortable but also selfish, a word we've been conditioned to fear. From an early age, we're taught to swallow and shrink ourselves as we shape-shift into whatever the moment calls for. But what happens when those roles consume us to the point that we no longer recognize ourselves, or even disappear?
Like so many of us, Saunders had a similar story. After over 30 years of living according to what society told her she should be, she had a realization: In her pursuit of checking off the "right" boxes (i.e. being married, having kids, staying strong), she had lost herself.
"I didn’t know who I was outside of what other people needed or expected from me," she tells xoNecole. "So when you ask how living authentically plays a role in putting yourself first, the truth is—you can’t fully know yourself without checking in on what you truly want, not just what others say you need."
Samantha Saunders, LPC & Authentic Relationship Expert
Courtesy
Saunders ended up reflecting on a question that would prove to change the trajectory of her life: "If nobody had a say in how I lived my life, not my family, not society, not even my own fears, what would I do?"
For her, the answer was clear. It led her to walk away from a marriage that no longer aligned with her truth and to begin living for herself. While every woman’s answer will be different depending on her season of life, Saunders emphasizes that the core takeaway remains the same: Living authentically requires self-prioritization.
"When you’re not true to yourself, it’s easy to fall into patterns of over-giving, people-pleasing, and settling for less," she explains. "But when you honor who you are and what you truly want, you create space for healthy, reciprocal connections. Relationships should add to your life, not drain it. They thrive when two whole, authentic people show up for each other, and that can only happen when you make yourself a priority."
The truth is, that choosing yourself is an essential part of living authentically. Choosing yourself is not just about bold moves and major life shifts, it's a daily practice. It’s about learning to check in with your needs, set boundaries that honor your well-being, or refuse to shrink yourself for the comfort of others, you are choosing authenticity. You are choosing you.
Signs You’re Stuck in an Unhealthy Relational Loop
Old relational patterns might be the hardest thing to unlearn, even as you start to prioritize yourself more. Though they are often rooted in scarcity, those relational patterns feel familiar and because they are familiar, they become almost like second nature, meaning that without even realizing it, you become stuck in an unhealthy relational loop, a cycle of self-abandonment masquerading as duty, connection, and of course love.
According to Saunders, these loops can show up in ways we don't even question because we view them as normal because they are familiar to us. "Unhealthy relational loops can look like this: You argue, there’s yelling, silent treatment, or someone says something hurtful, and then eventually you 'move on.' Maybe there’s an apology, maybe not, but the behavior doesn’t actually change. You feel like you’re stuck on repeat, and deep down, you know nothing is improving," she explains.
Another major sign? Over-giving or over-functioning in relationships. "Maybe you’re constantly doing things for others at the expense of your own well-being because you’re afraid of disappointing them or losing the relationship. A lot of times in unhealthy relationships we are over-functioning for the other person, whether that’s emotionally or trying to get them to change in some capacity. You might also notice you’re always seeking approval, doubting your decisions, or second-guessing your worth," Saunders expounds.
Other signs of unhealthy relational loops can include:
- Over-explaining or justifying your needs
- Feeling emotionally responsible for others
- Staying in cycles simply because they are familiar
"You are not obligated to keep living in a pattern. You don’t have to keep attracting the same dynamics of giving and just because it’s familiar," Saunders reminds us. "Familiar does not mean safe. Familiar does not mean yours. It just means you have been conditioned to accept it."
"Familiar does not mean safe. Familiar does not mean yours. It just means you have been conditioned to accept it."
Saunders reiterates that familiar patterns are often ones that stem from survival mode, a learned response from our past experiences that we had to earn love or fight to be chosen. But she makes it clear that in case no one told you, "you are no longer that version of yourself who had to fight for scraps. You are becoming a grown healed woman who is allowed to choose abundance, especially in your relationships."
But how do you break a cycle that already feels so ingrained in how you move through the world? Saunders offers a framework for recognizing and releasing these patterns:
How to Heal Unhealthy Relational Patterns: 5 Tips
1. Slow down and see the pattern:
"The moment you feel that familiar pull [of] over-explaining, fixing, shrinking... pause. What is your body telling you? What's the urge? And whose voice is in your head when you feel like you have to do it? Awareness is your first step out."
2. Separate reality from fear.
"A scarcity response is fear dressed up as wisdom. It whispers, 'If I don’t do this, I’ll lose them,' or 'If I say no, they’ll leave.' But is that true, or is it just a version of you that still believes she has to work for love?"
3. Interrupt the cycle with something new.
"When you catch yourself falling into an old pattern, ask yourself: 'What would a healed, abundant version of me do?' Maybe that means not texting first. Maybe that means allowing yourself to receive instead of proving your worth. Maybe that means choosing rest over performing. The shift starts with one different choice."
4. Regulate your nervous system.
"These patterns aren’t just in your mind, they live in your body. That anxious pull to do something? That’s your nervous system running old programming. Breathe. Move. Meditate. Teach your body that you are safe even when you don’t over-function."
5. Rewire your beliefs about love, connection, and worth.
"You have to start believing that you are inherently worthy of love and support not because of what you do, but because of who you are. Real love does not require your exhaustion."
From Scarcity to Abundance: How to Stop Over-Giving and Start Thriving
If learning how to break free from unhealthy relational loops teaches us anything, it’s that we are not obligated to stay in spaces that drain us just because they’re familiar. We don’t have to keep choosing relationships, habits, or beliefs that operate from a place of fear, over-giving, or self-sacrifice. But even when we recognize these cycles, it’s not always easy to stop identifying with them. Why? Because of scarcity.
Scarcity conditions us to believe that letting go of what is familiar means that we are losing. Scarcity makes us believe that if not this, what else is there? What if there is not another opportunity after this, another relationship, another chance? What if there isn't more?
According to Saunders, it's this mindset that keeps us from choosing abundance, from leading a life of authenticity, and ultimately from truly choosing ourselves.
"Scarcity is a mindset we inherit from experiences where we felt like there wasn’t ‘enough.’ Enough love, time, opportunities, or support. It keeps us stuck in fear, thinking we have to cling to what we have because something better might not come along. But the truth is, there are billions of opportunities, people, and chances in this world. Your only limit is what you allow yourself to believe."
So how do you actually make this shift? Saunders offers these key steps:
How to Shift from Scarcity to Abundance: 6 Tips
1. Reframe your beliefs.
"To shift into abundance, start by reframing your beliefs. Instead of thinking, 'This is my only chance,' remind yourself, 'There will always be more.' Whether it’s love, success, or community, abundance exists when you stop operating from fear. 'I have to earn love' or 'Opportunities are limited' must be replaced with 'I am already worthy' and 'What’s meant for me won’t require self-sacrifice.'"
2. Set boundaries that honor your worth.
"Scarcity makes us overextend ourselves because we think saying no means we’re losing something. But boundaries create space for what you truly deserve. Ask yourself, 'Does this add to my life, or does it drain me?' Then make decisions accordingly."
3. Let go of over-giving and practice receiving.
"Practicing receiving without guilt is key, allowing love, help, and rest without immediately feeling the need to reciprocate reinforces that you are deserving just because."
"To shift into abundance, start by reframing your beliefs. Instead of thinking, 'This is my only chance,' remind yourself, 'There will always be more.' Whether it’s love, success, or community, abundance exists when you stop operating from fear."
4. Stop settling and raise your standards.
"Setting and maintaining bare minimum standards in relationships, work, and personal care ensures that you no longer settle for less than what aligns with your worth. The real shift happens when you stop moving from desperation and start moving from trust, knowing that chasing or over-giving won’t bring you what’s truly meant for you."
5. Embrace the power of no.
"Embracing the power of saying no without guilt or fear creates space for what actually nourishes and supports you. When you fully believe in your own worth, you stop proving yourself and start choosing what aligns with the life you truly want.
6. Ground yourself in gratitude.
"Focus on gratitude. When you recognize what you already have, it reinforces the belief that more is possible. Gratitude helps you lean into abundance and lets you move through life with confidence instead of fear."
How to Start Putting Yourself First Today
So, how do you start putting yourself first? Well, it starts with small, intentional choices that reinforce your worth and shift you out of over-giving and self-neglect. In terms of practical tips, Saunders emphasizes prioritizing yourself starts with the little things, like recognizing where your energy is going and reclaiming it.
"Take a look at your schedule, your to-do list, or even your text messages. Identify one thing you’re saying yes to out of guilt, obligation, or fear of disappointing someone, and say no instead," she advises. Whether it’s declining a last-minute request, rescheduling something that doesn’t fit your energy, or stepping away from a draining conversation, setting these small boundaries is a powerful way to take back your time.
Just as important as your actions are the thoughts that shape them. "If you catch yourself thinking, ‘I have to overwork to be successful’ or ‘If I don’t do everything, I’ll lose people,’ pause and reframe it," she encourages. Instead, try replacing those thoughts with, 'Success flows when I take care of myself first' or 'I am worthy of love and support without over-functioning.' This simple mindset shift can completely change how you move through life.
And when it comes to boundaries, one of the most freeing things you can do is stop explaining yourself. "You don’t need to justify prioritizing yourself. A simple ‘I’m not available’ is enough," Saunders reminds us. "Watch how much lighter you feel when you stop giving people permission to validate your choices." Letting go of the need for permission or validation allows you to stand firmly in your decisions without guilt.
4 Ways to Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty
For Black women, self-prioritization is more than self-care, it’s self-preservation. This radical act of choosing ourselves is about reclaiming our time, our energy, and our wholeness. But just because we are learning that pouring endlessly into others leads to our own unraveling doesn’t mean there isn’t room to prioritize the people we love. It simply means we can no longer afford to do so at the cost of losing ourselves in the process.
"Balancing self-prioritization while nurturing healthy relationships starts with the understanding that putting yourself first doesn’t mean neglecting others—it means making sure you’re showing up fully, not resentfully," says Saunders. "This will include setting boundaries, communicating clearly, and ensuring that your relationships are built on mutual respect, not self-sacrifice."
The truth is, that healthy relationships don’t require self-abandonment. They don’t thrive on exhaustion or performance. They require both individuals to show up fully and authentically. And prioritizing yourself does not mean neglecting others. It means making sure you are included in the love and care you so freely give.
It means no longer depleting yourself in relationships just to be seen as worthy. "Many people, especially Black women, have been conditioned to believe that prioritizing themselves means neglecting others, but in reality, when you care for yourself first, you show up in relationships from a place of fullness, not depletion."
So how do you balance both? How do you nurture your relationships while making sure you don’t disappear in the process? Saunders shares the following key steps:
1. Get Clear on Your Non-Negotiables
"What do you need to feel like you? Whether it’s alone time, a morning routine, therapy, or simply not answering calls after a certain time, those things matter. When you make space for them, you show up in relationships from a place of wholeness, not depletion."
2. Set Boundaries & Communicate Them Early
"Healthy relationships thrive on clear expectations. If you need a night to yourself, say it. If a conversation is draining you, step away. Boundaries aren’t walls; they’re guidelines for how you can love and be loved without losing yourself in the process."
3. Check in With Yourself Regularly
"We check in on others all the time—How are you? But how often do you ask yourself that? Take a moment each week to pause and ask: Am I honoring my needs, or am I slipping into over-giving? Your well-being shouldn’t be an afterthought."
4. Release the Guilt
"You don’t have to prove your love by over-sacrificing. The people who genuinely care about you will respect your need for balance. Love should feel mutual, reciprocal, and energizing not something that drains the life out of you.
"At the end of the day, the healthier you are mentally, emotionally, [and] physically the healthier your relationships will be. You don’t have to choose between taking care of yourself and being there for others. You can do both. The key is making sure you don’t disappear in the process.
"So ask yourself: 'Am I showing up from a place of love, or from a place of obligation?' The answer will tell you everything you need to know," Saunders concludes.
For more of Saunders, cop her 7 Days to Reclaim Your Peace and Start Healingjournal here.
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