Me? I’m an ambivert. That means a lot of stuff (check out “What Exactly Is An Ambivert? How Can You Tell If You Are One?”); however, as it relates to this article specifically, it means that I personally don’t care what time of the year it is — my favorite place to be is inside of my home. I actually try to make it the kind of sanctuary space where that will always be the case.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get excited whenever my favorite time of year rolls around, though; that’s when I will definitely be out in somebody’s store picking up a few things that will make my living space extra warm and cozy.
Things like what? Things like the 15 items and ideas that I’m about to share with you — just in case, like me, you plan on doing a lot of kickin’ it…in your bed or on your couch without any reservation or apology. I mean, it is fall, after all.
1. Go with Neutral Tones
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I can’t believe that it’s almost been two years since my townhouse basically blew up. There, my home décor was shades of blues, browns, and white. My new spot is variations of green, gray, brown, and blue. Clearly, neutrals — the mixing of primary, secondary, and tertiary colors — are my thing, and I don’t apologize for it. Neutrals create a warmth to a space. Neutrals are easy to layer with some of your favorite brighter hues. And, if you have a boo thang, he will probably feel more comfortable in a home that’s decorated with neutral shades.
So, whether it’s some new throw pillows for your bed or couch or an ottoman that you’ve been eyeing to store some of your summer clothes that you’re in the process of putting away, pick up something in off-white, caramel, coffee, or navy color. It’ll immediately bring more autumn energy into your living space.
2. Get Yourself a Cable Knit Blanket
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There’s honestly no telling how many blankets I own. Some are lightweight for the spring and summer seasons, while others are heavier for fall and winter. There’s just something about curling up underneath a blanket while watching a movie that is a top-tier experience. This year, if you don’t already own a cable knit blanket, indulge yourself and get one. Now, I’ll be honest with you — some of the quality ones aren’t the cheapest; however, if you go to Etsy (one of my favorite go-tos for just about…everything), you should be able to find one that works well within your budget. As a bonus, many of them are handmade. Just go to the site and put “cable knit blankets” in the search field.
3. DIY a Fabric Spray
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Okay, so why didn’t any of y’all put me on to DIVA Glamorous Wash before now? What in the world?! I actually found out from an influencer who I like a lot (Christiana is what she goes by on YouTube). Man, that stuff smells amazing and is also a pretty effective fabric cleaner. I don’t use it all of the time, though, only because the scent is so strong, and sometimes, I want my clothes and other items to smell like something different — and that’s where fabric spray comes in. I really like this as a “make your home smell amazing” option because you can customize the spray to smell however you’d like it to.
That’s cool, not just when it comes to customizing scents based on the seasons (some fall scents include vanilla, pumpkin, apple-cinnamon, cranberry, and sandalwood) but controlling what kind of all-natural ingredients that you want to add to your favorite essential oils. That said, a super easy fabric spray recipe that can go on your bedding, living room furniture, and beyond is located here.
4. Also, Get a Ladder-Style Shelf
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There’s something about mantels and bookcases that can also cozy up a space. I think a part of it is connected to whatever you put in and/or on them. If you like this idea but your living quarters are kinda tight, how about a ladder-style shelf? Since it’s vertical instead of horizontal, it can easily fit anywhere from your bedroom to your bathroom. Then, you can add your favorite books, knick-knacks, a plant, and a couple of soy candles to cozy the space right on up. The cool thing about this option is you should be able to find one for between $40-60 dollars (like this one here), in a variety of colors, on sites like Amazon.
5. Own Some “Portable” Fireplaces
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Speaking of visually warming up your spot with a “furniture accessory,” what if you’ve always wanted a fireplace, but your spot doesn’t have one? Something that I personally find to be a visually stunning alternative is to get yourself a fireplace surround (which is basically the frame of a fireplace), then put some tall candles and/or plants into the inside of it. If you also arrange a couple of pictures on top of it, it’ll easily be one of the favorite things about your house for both you and your guests. Are they cheap? No (you’ll probably have to cough up about three hundred bucks for a good one). Are they worth the investment? Absolutely.
Oh, and speaking of portable fireplaces, if you want to have your only lil’ mini bonfire this fall or winter season, I recently purchased a friend of mine some portable campfires (I’m telling you, Etsy is the ish!). They are the cutest tiny tins that you can light up and make s’mores or whatever else you want to do — whether inside or out. He adored them, and I’ll definitely be getting more. You can check out the ones that I purchased (that are made from organic soy and are totally reusable) here.
6. Invest in a Customized Whiskey Maker
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Something else that I got for that same friend was a customized whiskey maker. No, not one of those cocktail-making machines (that are actually pretty nice) that help you to be your own bartender at home. I mean those cute little sets that let you customize various flavors of whiskey by adding different herbs so that you can infuse them into some bourbon. Since fall tends to be the signature hot toddy season, why not have a set of your own in tow? The one I got was under forty bucks. You can check it out here.
7. Put Some Scented Pine Cones into a Basket
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Ain’t it wild how you can find yourself “mimicking” things from your childhood without initially realizing it? I used to wonder why I always had an affinity for pine cones; then, I remembered that my mother used to add them to the home aesthetic. I’m telling you, whether you purchase them already scented or you decide to create a scent and add them to some pine cones on your own (arts and crafts stores typically carry them, by the way), if you put a few into a wicker basket, they will have whatever room you place them in smelling wonderful, easily, throughout the entire holiday season. Plus, they will add a bit of nature to the inside of your house as well.
8. Get a Slipcover for Your Couch
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Have you been looking at your couch for the past six months like you want to toss it out of the window, but it’s just not in your budget to get a new one? Simple solution: a slipcover. You can totally change the look of your sofa without breaking the bank, and it’s just one more cost-effective way to switch up the look and feel of your home during this time of the year. The options are so vast that my two cents would be to put “couch slipcovers” in the search field of your favorite search engine to see which fabrics and designs tickle your fancy.
9. Install a Stained Glass Window
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Whether you want a bit more privacy or you simply want to get creative as far as window treatments go, hands down, one of the best ways to accomplish both missions is to purchase some stained glass window tint film (some companies call them “window clings”). They’re super inexpensive, relatively easy to install, can make a window look like authentic stained glass, and it’s pretty easy to remove as well, not to mention the fact that it makes it damn near impossible for people to look into the window once you add the film to it.
If you go to Amazon and put “stained glass window film” in the search field, you’ll see all kinds of options (design-wise) to choose from. A quick YouTube short can show you how to install the film yourself here.
10. Order Some Canvas Prints of Some of Your Favorite Pictures
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I grew up around some people who are world-renowned visual artists. A couple of them, I commissioned before they “hit it big”; others, I should’ve (le sigh). Anyway, until my budget says that I can afford one of their pieces, I am so into canvas prints. You can get a picture printed off that is damn near as big as half of one of your walls, and because it’s a literal canvas print, all you have to do is hang it. As I’m writing this, I’m looking at a Black print that I purchased digitally on Etsy that I blew up to what I think is 30” x 40”; it was less than sixty bucks. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
You can do the same with a print or some of your favorite pictures with some of your favorite people (black and white shots would probably look like sophisticated art, for real). The company that I went with is Canvas Champ (they were professional, affordable, and fast); there are plenty of other options online, though. Just put “canvas prints” in the search field to figure out which one will best suit your personal needs.
11. String Some Lights Somewhere
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Gone are the days when string lights were reserved only for Christmas trees. Personally, I’ve got a wall that has nothing but strings of fairy lights hanging from it, and I couldn’t be happier. Since it gets darker quicker during the fall season, that kind of makes us want to have softer/dimmer lighting, and fairy lights can provide that, especially if you want an “amplified version” of candlelight without the risk of you forgetting to blow your candles out. Hang them on the wall like I did, string them through your curtains and/or around your bedposts. I mean, you see the feature pic, right? Didn’t those fairy lights help to draw you right on in? Coziness on steroids, for sure.
12. Layer Some Throw Rugs
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I’ve always preferred hardwood floors over carpeted ones. That doesn’t mean I’m not good to throw down with a few throw rugs, though. On the practical tip, they can lower your heating bills because they provide what is known as “thermal resistance” (real talk). I also like the fact that they help to absorb noise. Visually, they can cozy up a space. If you’ve got kids or pets, rugs can make it safer for them to move about (as far as falling down is concerned, just make sure that you get a rug gripper to keep your rugs from moving all over the place so that they don’t trip on them). Plus, they’re easier and cheaper to clean than carpeted flooring, and you can swap out different ones to create a different feel and style whenever you want. Are you sold? Cool. When you gettin’ some then?
13. Consider Some Leather Accents
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If you’ve got hella bougie taste and your bank account doesn’t, something that you can do to make your home look more…let’s go with luxurious is to add some leather accents to it. Leather pillows. A leather round ottoman. A large leather basket. I recently stumbled upon some leather placements that I thought were pretty dope. What about a leather-wrapped vase for your favorite fall-season flowers? Listen, just like some expensive shoes can totally change the look and feel of a dress from Target, so can some leather accessories when it comes to your house.
14. Of Course, You Need Some Candles
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There probably won’t ever be a time when I’m writing a piece on how to improve the décor of your home (and honestly, the quality of your life, in my humble opinion) without bringing candles into the discourse. They create a warm feeling. They can be uber-romantic. Something about watching their flames flicker is very relaxing. And you can get scents that will make your entire house smell grand. Actually, one candle company is so into ‘em that they came up with 14 solid reasons to keep some candles in your home (you can read it here).
So, in the spirit of the autumn season, how about some autumn-themed soy (I’ll always say it: they burn cleaner and last longer) scented candles? Some of the same scents that I mentioned for the fabric spray you can find in candles too. Yeah, definitely, one of the most cost-effective ways to warm up a space is to add some candles to it.
15. Treat Yourself to a Down Comforter
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A top reason why you can’t go wrong with a down comforter is they can easily last you one to two decades (yes, literally). Hell, even a down alternative one can give you 10 good years if you take care of it properly. So, imagine how much longer you can get “mileage” out of that type of bedding if you swap two out twice a year (one for spring and summer and another for fall and winter)? See what I’m sayin’? Besides, down comforters are warm, super cozy, eco-friendly, and durable; and another word that’s used for them is “breathability.”
What that basically means is a down comforter is made out of the kind of material that allows your skin to literally…breathe. Ain’t nothin’ like a cozy bed to make you want to enjoy everything about this time of year — so treat yo’ self. As the temps drop, get some warmth indoors. The kind that you could customize to your very own liking. Enjoy!
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- 15 Décor Hacks That Can Help Your House To Welcome In The Fall Season ›
- 12 (Affordable) Ways To Make Your Bedroom More Tranquil & Beautiful ›
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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