It's something about Christmas that I truly love. One of those things is trimming the Christmas tree! I mean – what's Christmas without a Christmas tree?!
I remember growing up, my great-grandmother made sure she put up our tree the day after Thanksgiving. She had a small tree but propped it on a wooden table, so from the window outside looking in, it literally looked about 6 ft tall (haha). The tree had colorful lights that blinked on and off to the sound of Christmas tunes, colorful ornaments that would break –if you held it to tight, and mad silver tinsel EVERYWHERE! On the wooden table around the tree, there would be more tinsel garland, baby Jesus in the manger, and other biblical figurines that she proudly displayed. Spray snow was placed around the window seals for a frosty look (that wouldn't later come off for nothing), more colorful lights, and electric candlesticks in just about every window in the front of the house. Not many gifts under the tree, but the VIBE of love and the season of giving was PRICELESS. Man, those were the good ol' days! But I digress.
I feel like the Christmas tree is the foundation of Christmas. Once it's up, and decorated beautifully, you get a sense of the MOST WONDERFUL time of the year! I'm not going to be giving out tips on how to achieve my great-grandmother's tree, but I will be dishing out 7 steps on how to decorate/trim your Christmas tree Vogue-style!
Choose A Theme.
To make styling your tree a little easier, I would suggest for you to come up with a theme. Maybe you love black and white and want to create a Chanel inspired Christmas tree. Whatever it is, DO IT! Make sure your theme is cohesive with the colors you choose. My theme for my tree this year is The Vogue Room-inspired. Yes, my actual business and brand! (Is that vain??) I wanted my Christmas tree to exude GLAM! I am loving blush/champagne tones, along with silver and a hint of gold. Therefore, I thought those would be the perfect colors to incorporate on the tree as well.
Set Up Your Tree.
I suggest you go with a flocked or colored (maybe white, or even silver) tree to achieve the super glam look. However, if you have a green Christmas tree, that will work too. Moreover, make sure you setup your tree and fluff the branches! I typically start to fluff at the bottom, and work my way up. I suggest you put on a good Christmas music playlist, for entertainment purposes and TAKE YOUR TIME! You should fluff one branch at a time, so your tree will look full!
Step 2a: If you don't have a pre-lit tree, after you fluff your branches out completely, add lights to your tree. I like to wrap the lights around the branches and in between the sprigs.
For Added GLAM:my tree is pre-lit, BUT because I'm extra, I added more lights for MORE TWINKLE and you should too!
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
Add Faux Fur Or Ribbon.
When I think of faux fur, immediately my mind says GLAM! Therefore, we are going to add faux fur, ribbon or whatever material you choose to wrap around your tree. You can use a few techniques below:
Faux Fur Method:
This can be done with faux fur garland, a faux fur rug (you can always cut it into rectangles), or if you want to save a few coins, you can use white dusters! Yes, you read it correctly, DUSTERS! Starting at the top, I placed the fur between the branches and went all the way around the tree. Therefore when I finished, it created a "spiral" look around the tree.
I do understand everyone may not want to use faux fur and if that's the case, you can use some old faithful ribbon. There are at least three ways to wrap ribbon around the tree:
- The Spiral: some people start at the top and wrap it around the tree like a maze or spiral.
- The Waterfall: start at the top on each side of the tree and create a cascading look, which causes a waterfall look.
- Random: I like to go with the "random" approach. I start at the top and simply tuck the ribbon in and out of the tree. Essentially, I do this all throughout the tree in different random sections with different ribbon lengths. Trust me, it's going to look good!
Add dusters as faux fur to complete this spiral look.
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
Add "Chic" Large Ornaments.
This step is pretty straightforward. Starting with the largest ornaments, place each ornament on the tree in different spots. I like to start at the top of the tree and work my way down (but whatever works best for you). Remember – try to put a decent amount of space between each ornament.
For Added GLAM: make sure your ornaments are SUPER chic. Hobby Lobby, Big Lots, and At Home stores are my top places to go to for nice glam ornaments. I normally select ornaments of varies sizes, shapes, textures, and of course, BLING!
These ornaments are from Hobby Lobby and if you look closely, they have added bling to them.
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
Add Florals & Sprays.
Besides getting very nice ornaments, this step has to be my favorite! Florals and sprays are a good way to add definition and dimension to your tree. These elements are great fillers that takes your tree from average to POPPIN'! There isn't a specific technique I use for this step. Once again, I like to get my sprays and florals from Hobby Lobby and At Home. They come in the form of glittery feathers, fluffy feathers, glittery sticks, antlers, etc. Simply, stick them in the tree and even on the garland. Make sure it's secured, and there you have it! The more sprays and florals, the better!
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
Add More "Blingy" Ornaments.
You thought I forgot about the rest of those cute ornaments – of course not! Evaluate your tree, take a step back, and see where you may have gaps and spaces that need to be filled. We want to add the rest of your medium to smaller size ornaments here. I like to place a variety of ornaments on the tree. For smaller sizes, I like to place them deeper inside the tree and some on the outside branches.
For Added Glam: The "blingy-er" the ornaments, the better! Glitter, disco balls, and sequins are just a few of my favorite types of ornaments to style with.
Top It Off With Something Visually Interesting.
Add something super interesting to the tree for VISUAL interest. Whether, it's between the branches or an over-the-top topper to set off your tree. You need something interesting that will seal the deal to your overall theme. In my case, I added a few Vogue pictures I had in frames on the wall to the tree. Because my tree is The Vogue Room-inspired, I thought these pictures would be visually interesting and would give my tree the right "pop" I was going for! Mission accomplished!
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
Ebony Staten/The Vogue Room
And there you have it! You have successfully decorated and styled your GLAM Christmas tree, in true VOGUE style! I hope this was helpful and let me know, how your Christmas Tree turn out on Instagram. Happy Holidays!!
Originally published on The Vogue Room.
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy