When it comes to sex and self-pleasure, we typically rely on trial and error to discover what feels good. And though that can spell instant sexual chemistry and orgasms galore for some, sexual intimacy in solo sex and partnered sex is something we have to work at more times than not. Sexual needs differ, sexual incompatibility comes into play, and sometimes the inability to communicate what those needs and differences are can lead to frustration, lack of satisfaction, and overall lack of intimacy. But what if you could apply language to the way you approach intimacy in sexual relationships and self-pleasure? Well, there is power in the tongue and, turns out, there’s power in learning what your Erotic Blueprint type is, too.
Similar to the way love languages and apology languages are important tools in how we communicate and understand intimacy, Erotic Blueprints can be transformative to one’s self-relationship as well as their relationship with others. Jaiya, award-winning somatic sexologist and creator of the Erotic Blueprints, says they are an arousal map to more pleasure, more understanding, deeper connection, and deeper satisfaction. “When you expand into who you really are you can own your pleasure. When we are living our pleasure, we are no longer at odds with life and there is a whole new level of satisfaction in all of life, not just in the bedroom."
The Healing Power of Erotic Blueprints
There is sometimes a mind-body-soul disconnect we experience due to a lack of knowledge of our true selves that can lead to discontentment in the self-relationship and our intimate relationships. Jaiya says the end result is surface-level experiences that don’t even crack the surface of how powerful our solo and partnered sex lives can truly be. “When we don’t know what turns us on, we don’t know how to ask for it,” she explains. “When we don’t have a language or teaching on how to uncover what turns us on, we stay stuck in shame and guilt, and silence around sex.”
In that way, Erotic Blueprints are rooted in so much more than sex. The framework in relationships is so transformative because “when we know ourselves and we know another more deeply, we are able to really honor who we are and who another is in that moment in time. When we honor another person, they feel seen, heard, and deeply loved for who they are," she adds. Therein lies the healing capabilities of this work.
In our adult relationships, we often seek the things that we lacked from parents and caretakers in our childhood. On healing from attachment issues, Jaiya says, “It gives us permission to be ourselves and love ourselves, and sex is one of those places where we often judge, criticize, and shame. It’s often the final frontier of personal growth.”
The 5 Erotic Blueprints
The Erotic Blueprints are comprised of five types: energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter. To learn your primary type, take the basic quiz here. Jaiya also says you should “listen to what your body likes and doesn’t like. Think about the five blueprints and notice, during sexual play or based on your history, where things line up for you.”
Below, Jaiya provides insights into each Erotic Blueprint type, their respective superpowers (pros), and their shadow sides or aspects (cons).
The Energetic Erotic Blueprint type “is turned on by anticipation, space, tease, and longing. They love to yearn. Their superpower is that they are very sensitive to the point of being able to orgasm without being touched. Hypersensitivity can cause them to ‘short-circuit’ and become turned off because it is too much sensation, too fast and their arousal system shuts down.”
Slow and steady wins the race for the Energetic type. In order to speak their language, Jaiya advises, “Play with more tease, light touch on the body and with consciously giving more spaciousness for ‘turn on’ to turn into begging for more.”
A Sensual type “is someone who is turned on by all of their senses being ignited. Their superpower is that they bring beauty and sensuality to the sexual experience. The shadow side of the Sensual is that they get caught in their heads and stop feeling what is happening in their body. They lose their presence and get lost in ‘to-do’ lists, for example.”
Sensual types really crave the sensory benefits that come with being fully present. To combat that, “it’s important to have what I call ‘Toggles,’ things that help you transition from the mundane tasks of life to the erotic realm… things like getting a massage, having a hot bath with rose petals, eating some chocolate, doing something relaxing and snuggly.”
The Sexual Erotic Blueprint Type is “someone who is turned on by what we think of as 'sex' in our culture (nudity, orgasms, penetration, etc.) Their superpower is that they can go from zero to sixty in their arousal and that they love the simplicity of sexuality. The shadow side is that they lose the journey and all the other wonderful flavors of the experience because they focus too much on a limited definition of sex and the end goal.”
The key to tapping into the Sexual type's power is expansion. Because they can sometimes be tied to a very limited perspective of what sex is and what sex looks like, elevation looks like thinking less and dipping and dabbling into understanding other Erotic Blueprints more. “Just go for it,” Jaiya suggests. “Hang out naked. Give yourself or your lover direct touch.”
The Kinky type “is turned on by what they define as taboo. There are two types of Kinky - one is psychological, meaning that the turn-on is more about the power dynamics or the role-play (more in their minds), the other is someone who is turned on by the sensation of kink (spanking, impact play, feelings of ropes, etc). Some people have a mix of both types. The superpower of the kinky is that they are endlessly creative and can also have orgasmic experiences that have nothing to do with intercourse. On the shadow side, there is usually a lot of shame for having ‘out of the box’ desires and that shame can turn into distress.”
Jaiya notes, “For the Kinky, there’s a whole world to explore! This is really a place to find out what you deeply enjoy. Explore a bunch of different sensations from scratch to slaps to different temperatures. Get creative.”
“A Shapeshifter is someone who is turned on by all of it. They love all the flavors and lots of variety. Their superpower is that they can be great lovers because they can shift to please any of the Erotic Blueprint Types. On the shadow side, they have been told they are too much and because they can shift to please they are often starving when it comes to their own sexual needs.”
For the uninitiated, this may seem true. But for the erotically intelligent, there is no such thing as a Shapeshifter type being too much. Create time and space for yourself. “Shapeshifters love variety, so give yourself a lot of different ways to play in every Blueprint,” Jaiya suggests. “Make sure you set aside ample time for yourself to really indulge in the exploration.”
How to Navigate Different Erotic Blueprint Types
What’s beautiful about this arousal map framework is that there isn’t necessarily an ideal match. In fact, if you find that your Erotic Blueprint type(s) differs from your partner’s, it’s not the end of the world or the relationship. Speaking or being fluent in one language doesn’t mean you can’t become fluent or learn to speak another. Like with any skill, it can be honed on and improved upon. The participants just have to be willing to journey through the doing the work to speak one another’s arousal language. Jaiya breaks down this journey into four phases: Healing, Feeding, Speaking and Expanding.
"We need to heal the shadow aspects of our Blueprints that put the brakes on our arousal," she explains. "Here is an opportunity that as we HEAL, we also feed our Blueprints so that we are not depleted and starving, and also to FEED our lover’s Blueprints which is a skill we can learn to do. We also can learn to SPEAK each other’s languages. And eventually, as we learn a new Blueprint we EXPAND into that Blueprint. This means that the Blueprint that once was not a turn-on becomes our own turn-on.”
The end result leads to a positive impact on your relationships and your sex lives. To maximize that healing and growth, Jaiya recommends that couples join a sex-positive community, sign up for an online course together, or hire a sexuality coach to help to navigate potential challenges.
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Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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Text This Before You Ghost Them, Sis.
We’ve all been there at least once (or a few times) along our dating journey. Maybe you’ve had a date or two with a potential suitor, but the spark just wasn’t there. Perhaps you convinced yourself that just “one more” date would help you overlook a non-negotiable ick. At this point in the dating cycle, you’ve probably reached the point where you must decide to either communicate “why” things won’t be moving forward or simply ghost them.
What Is Ghosting?
“Ghosting” refers to the act of suddenly and unexpectedly cutting off all communication with someone you've been dating or talking to without any explanation or further contact. It typically occurs in the early stages of dating but can also happen after a few dates or even in more established relationships.
The act of ghosting has become quite a common practice in our modern dating culture and can manifest in a number of different ways. From days of ignored text messages and phone calls out of the blue to not showing up for pre-arranged plans and sometimes disappearing from someone's life without any notice or explanation.
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The Problem With Ghosting
Being ghosted may seem like a harmless act of “self-choosing,” but the person on the receiving end of your decision can be left feeling confused, rejected, and even abandoned, wondering what happened and where they went wrong.
And we get it, what explanation do you owe someone for leaving after a few cocktails and a $100 date? While that may seem like the perfect opportunity to cut and run, taking an alternative approach to fizzle out a fling is a great time to practice clear and effective communication that can pay off in the long run.
While there is a time and a place for ghosting (and even blocking) if your boundaries have been crossed or safety has been threatened, if we’re looking to live out our best healed, secure-girl summer, there are ways to date freely without leaving others with damage of their own to recover from.
Being honest and upfront about your feelings while being respectful of the other person's time is the best way to leave a situationship or fling with both parties emotionally unscathed. So if you’re looking for ways to break things off with care and consideration, we’ve provided five text scripts to send instead of ghosting somebody’s son:
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5 Texts To Send Instead of Ghosting Them
1. If you want to take the honest but gentle approach:
"Hey [Name], I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I've been doing some thinking, and I don't see this going any further. I wanted to be upfront and honest with you rather than leaving you wondering. I wish you all the best."
2. If you want to express gratitude before saying goodbye:
"Hi [Name], I wanted to reach out and say thank you for the time we spent together. You're an amazing person, but I think we're better off as friends. I hope you understand and that we can still maintain a positive connection."
3. If you want to leave a note of appreciation:
"Hi [Name], I wanted to let you know that I've had a great time with you, but I don't think we're compatible for a romantic relationship. I appreciate the moments we shared, and I hope we can both find what we're looking for."
4. If a face-to-face convo is needed:
"Hey [Name], I've been doing some thinking, and I believe it's important for us to have an open conversation about where we stand. Can we find some time to talk about our relationship and how we both feel? I think it's important to address things honestly."
5. If you want to keep things cute and concise:
"Hey [Name], I've realized that we're not on the same page, and it's best if we part ways. Take care."
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