July is about healing, focus, and making a change. Cracks in the foundation are being shown, and depending on your perspective, you can move forward toward change or entertain the negatives. Perspective is everything, and as the month begins in Cancer Season, emotions can cloud your vision. Thankfully, the Capricorn Supermoon on July 3rd will be bringing things back to reality and helping you find your ground through the emotional whirlwind that has been. This Full Moon is an activating time that’s creating breakthroughs, building new bridges, bringing things full circle financially, and shining the spotlight on what needs to be seen.
There is even more earth energy flowing through the collective in July, with Mars entering Virgo on the 10th, where it will be until August 27th. Mars in Virgo is dedicated, compassionate, and efficient. Mars in Virgo gets things done, focuses on good health, and lends a helping hand to those who need it, and this is where a lot of people are taking action right now. This month there is positive energy flowing toward acts of service, routine, and creating order; however, be careful not to get lost in the details and perfectionism that you miss the full picture. On July 11th, Mercury enters Leo, and mentally, there is a strength here that is helping those overcome any mental burdens that have been influencing their daily life.
On July 17th, there is a New Moon in Cancer that will be closing out Cancer Season. This New Moon is a good time to set your intentions for love, emotional harmony, family, and the home. This New Moon is highlighting the emotions but is creating an opening to greater love, protection, and honesty where needed. This new Moon is about meeting your needs, dreaming the dream, and showing up for love. A few days later, on the 22nd, Venus goes retrograde in Leo, and Leo Season begins. This is when things really start heating up and when change prevails. Venus will be retrograde in Leo until September 3rd, and egos are more likely to clash during this time.
Honor the value of self-love, and you will see how this directly influences your relationship experiences with others.
As the month comes to a close, Chiron, the wounded healer, goes retrograde in Aries from July 23rd until December 26th, and Mercury enters Virgo from July 28th until October 4th. Healing is taking place in July, and sometimes it happens when we least expect it. The more you can find the balance between your head and your heart right now, the more you can see things clearly. July is therapeutic and is needed.
ARIES
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is all about going after what you want, Aries. Focus on your positive intentions and create a plan to succeed. You have the energy, the charisma, and you are in the right place to make things happen this month. Mars, your ruling planet, moves into your 6th house this month, and you are all about good energy, good health, and creating routines that both nourish and bring order to your daily life.
You are someone who is independent and who loves to do things alone, and this month you are realizing that you can accomplish your personal goals with others by your side. The New Moon on the 17th of this month is happening in your 4th house of home, and you are connecting to those that have your back and support your well-being. July is a perfect month for you to set your intentions and show up.
TAURUS
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis month is a time of finding your balance, Taurus. You are feeling in tune with the ebb and flow of life, and you are seeing a positive return on the things you have been investing in. Energy is everything, and you are receiving the abundance that you have been giving. A Supermoon is happening in a fellow earth sign at the beginning of the month, Capricorn, and July 3rd will be a time of clarity, closure, and happiness for you. Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs this month, Taurus.
Moving into July, Venus goes retrograde in Leo until September, and for you, you could be spending more time at home over the next few months. Your safe spaces are where you feel most comfortable and loved, and right now, that’s with your family, close loved ones, and objects of treasure. Over the next few months, you will be tuning into your heart and discovering where you want to lay down new roots, where you can give yourself more TLC and self-care, and who you want along with you for the ride.
GEMINI
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is a month of communication, executing your plans, and seeing through the smoke and mirrors. You are rising above what’s been and are ready to see things in the light, Gemini. At the beginning of the month, you are feeling things through and taking the time to honor your emotional well-being, rest, and seek more time tending to your own needs. You are prioritizing your time and energy and focusing on the things that truly matter to you at the end of the day.
The New Moon happening this month on the 17th is a time for you to set intentions when it comes to your finances, income, balance, and self-confidence. This New Moon is urging you to see how willing you have been to see a new beginning here and will be opening new doors that you will have to find the courage to walk through. Venus goes retrograde for the summer toward the end of July, and for you, this time will be helping you communicate more effectively and to re-discover some of your truths.
CANCER
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCancer Season is underway, and July is a month of love for you, Cancer. This is a time when partnerships in your life are thriving, and your life is colored by love. You have come to such a good place emotionally that you can’t help but to rejoice in where you are and your current reality. Things are changing, but you are embracing every moment of it. The Supermoon on July 3rd will be when you begin to see these changes and growth within love and when you are getting the full picture of some important relationships in your life.
The July New Moon will be in your sign on the 17th, and this New Moon is a magical one. You are in tune with the universe, and where your life is is where you want it to be. Set your intentions for the path you see for yourself in the future, and don’t be afraid to take risks right now. July is all about investing in yourself and your relationships. You have what it takes to feel balanced in not just one but many areas of your life, and this is the month that’s opening that door for you.
LEO
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is all about owning your strength, Leo. You have been moving mountains, and this is another one of those months where some more courage is needed. Your mind is especially active this month with Mercury entering your sign on the 11th, and this energy can lead to overthinking. Meditate, find your ground, and gain new inspiration. You are protected as you prepare, focus on yourself more, and figure things out this month.
The New Moon on the 17th is when you are ready to let go of the past, heal, and see how better things will be for you when you free yourself from past burdens. You deserve healing, and as Venus goes retrograde in Leo from the 22nd until September, you are finally getting that opportunity to heal. Leo Season begins on the same day, signifying a time when the focus is on you and your heart and when you are experiencing a personal transformation.
VIRGO
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is a month of abundance for you, Virgo. Your cup is full and overflowing, and you are feeling gratitude for the blessings that are appearing for you now. This is a month to honor your skills, dedication, work ethic, and determination and to accept your due rewards with an open heart. The Supermoon at the beginning of the month is showering some love and receptivity in your life, and you are feeling heard and seen in July, Virgo. You are entering the month with an inner confidence that is leading you to success.
Mars enters your sign on the 10th, where it will be until late August, and you have more energy at your disposal during this time. You are all about action and putting in the effort, and your spirits are high this month. Mercury enters Virgo before the month ends, and more energy is working in your favor. Your mind is in the right place, and you are turning dirt into diamonds. This month is reminding you that you deserve to enjoy the successes you work so hard for, and there is plenty of it to enjoy.
LIBRA
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is a month where you get to take a deep breath, Libra. You have been worried about the things you are seeing come to fruition this month and seeing that everything turned out better than expected for you. Your career, finances, and safety nets are a big priority for you right now, and you are experiencing positive revelations here this month. The Supermoon happening at the beginning of July is helping you feel more grounded and fruitful and is bringing good energy into the home for you.
The New Moon happening later in the month is aligning with your 10th house of career and achievements, and you are claiming your successes. You have been working on your skills and mindset and are in a position now where you can help inspire and give opportunities to others. You are seeing growth financially in July, and life is coming full circle for you. Before the month ends, Venus goes retrograde in Leo, and this for you will be tapping into your friendships. Try to see all perspectives and focus on building your community right now.
SCORPIO
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleThis is an inspiring month for you, Scorpio. You are feeling enlivened after somewhat of a stagnant year, and you are reaching for the stars right now. One thing is happening after the other, and you have been looking forward to this change of pace. The Supermoon on the 3rd will be opening up new channels of communication for you and will be giving you some clarity on the answers you have been looking for. You are ready to move on from what hasn’t been working and are effectively seeing new pathways and opportunities in your life.
Mars moves into your 11th house of hopes and dreams, friendships, and community in mid-July, and you are spending more time around your soulmates and your people over the next month. You are in a social time in your life, and there are plenty of fun experiences to be had. Venus goes retrograde at the end of the month and will be bringing things into perspective when it comes to your career, reputation, and where your heart stands with how you are showing up for your goals. Be patient when it comes to what you are trying to achieve right now.
SAGITTARIUS
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleDivine timing is everything this month, Sagittarius. Your intentions will seed to fruition, but some more time may be needed right now. Remember that protection can sometimes look like rejection and that what is meant for you will be for you. With Mars aligning in your career zone over the next month, you may be feeling more pressure to perform, to be successful, and to reach the goals you have been working towards. However, don’t forget to appreciate where and who you are now while you strive for what you want to become.
There is a New Moon on July 17th that will be in your 8th house of commitment and intimacy, and you are getting an opportunity to see where you feel that emotional receptivity in your life and where you can be a little more vulnerable and experience more growth here. Giving yourself and others grace is key this month, and it's best to not take anything personally. Venus goes retrograde in a fellow fire sign, Leo, at the end of the month, and it’s best to plan out all of your adventures thoroughly over the next few months.
CAPRICORN
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleJuly is the start of something new for you, Capricorn. You are ready for a new adventure, and you are embarking on one right now. This is the month when you are seeing previous roadblocks disappear and new life appear. There is a Supermoon this month on July 3rd, and it’s happening in your sign. You are closing out a chapter of your life that felt more personally limiting to you and are breaking free from what has been. This Full Moon is a time of letting go of what was and getting excited about what’s to be, and this is an impactful time for you.
Mars moves into Virgo on the 10th and moves into your house of adventure, travel, education, and spirituality. The next month is a great time for you to travel, spend time in nature, and explore the world around you. This is an inspiring month for you overall, and you will be getting into a lot of different fun activities. The New Moon happening before the month ends is occurring in your sister sign, Cancer, and love is moving into a new chapter for you. Your willingness to move forward is creating more room for love to enter your life.
AQUARIUS
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleIn July, you are embarking into the unknown, Aquarius. You are taking a leap of faith in yourself, and you are trusting that the universe will be there to catch you. You are finding your balance with what you are working on letting go of and where you want to be, and you are being nudged to get out of your comfort zone more this month. The Supermoon happening at the beginning of the month will be helping you overcome fears and see where this has been coming from so that you can heal and let go where needed.
Moving further into July, there is a New Moon on the 17th, and this is a good time for you to set your intentions for your daily life, routine, health, and working world. Get things in order this month, and focus on what is going to benefit you now and in the long term. Venus goes retrograde in Leo on the 22nd before the month ends, and you are going to be learning a lot about love and your close relationships and will be experiencing a rejuvenation and change here over the next couple of months.
PISCES
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecoleFireworks are going off for you this month, Pisces. July is about seeing the growth in your life and about enjoying the present moment. You are free to be, to live, and to love, and you are feeling all the things this month. With a Supermoon at the start of the month happening in your house of hopes and dreams, you are feeling inspired to live your life to the fullest and to nurture the things that light you up inside. You deserve to take those moments out to enjoy your life, and you are great creative when doing so right now.
Mars moves into your sister sign, Virgo, on July 10th, and you are motivated to connect, focus on your one-on-one relationships, and express your heart. You are feeling the passion for love and your relationships, and love is in the air for you in July. What you believe, you can make a reality, and you are seeing some of your intentions for love manifest for you this month. The New Moon on the 17th will be ushering in some more good energy into your love life, and this is a month of romance for you. Look at new beginnings in your life as the blessings they are, and have fun this month, Pisces.
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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