Vashtie Kola Talks Motherhood, Therapy & Importance Of Attracting A Whole Partner
In xoNecole's Finding Balance, we profile boss women making boss moves in the world and in their respective industries. We talk to them about their business, and most of all, what they do to find balance in their busy lives.
Vashtie Kola is more than just the badass who wore a durag to match her wedding dress at her City Hall-style wedding. She is a cultural icon and one of the most well-respected tastemakers in the industry. Vashtie has been shaking up the New York City nightlife scene for over a decade as a DJ, music video director, designer and creative consultant. Her most iconic music video directions and creative consulting clients include Solange, Justin Bieber, Kendrick Lamar and Jadakiss - talk about receipts! However, with the welcoming of her new baby, self-care is definitely on the top of her list while balancing motherhood, work and marriage.
Since COVID-19, her self-care routine has definitely rocked, but when you add a baby into the mix, it's certainly something that needs to be prioritized. Vashtie credits the pandemic to her being able to spend time with herself. "I cleared up my years of hyperpigmentation and read six books in the past few months and I'm not a reader!" she joked to xoNecole.
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Throughout it all, Vashtie even had time to secure the bag with a brand ambassadorship Dallas-based jewelry brand, Piercing Pagoda alongside Kat Graham and Blair Imani for the #BeMoreYou campaign. "#BeMoreYou speaks to being your most authentic self. It's about being true in your self-expression, but also your needs. Self-care is about healthily satisfying one's needs. They are inextricably connected," the Vashtie.com founder expressed. "If my teenage self knew that I'd be working with Piercing Pagoda one day, I'm sure she never would have believed it. It's fascinating and such an honor."
For this installment of "Finding Balance", xoNecole caught up with creative director, Violette New York designer and DJ Vashtie Kola about life with her new baby, how her day-to-day differs with the pandemic and relying on fellow creatives for more inspiration.
xoNecole: Let's talk about 2020 and how it has been such a pivotal year for you: You had a baby and got married. Congratulations! How did you make space for those things you wanted in your personal life over the last four years?
Vashtie Kola: I spent a lot of time on inner work. I dedicated the last six years in therapy and meditation. I also read a lot of self-help type books and learned a lot about myself. I didn't want to continue leaning on my childhood traumas as an excuse for my adulthood issues. As a believer in Law of Attraction, I didn't want to live in a broken state and attract a broken partner. I knew that the only way to having a healthy and whole partner was if that's who I was.
"As a believer in Law of Attraction, I didn't want to live in a broken state and attract a broken partner. I knew that the only way to having a healthy and whole partner was if that's who I was."
Photo Credit: Camille Thompson/@killahcamz
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Looking back on what your life was like in 2016, you were around 35. Most women go through a huge shift during this time. What was your vision for 2020 Vashtie back then? Was motherhood and marriage something you were working towards and saw for yourself?
My shift was maybe a bit backwards compared to the women I know. Around 2014, I had just gotten out of an eight-year relationship and found myself single for the first time since I was 15. I spent a lot of that time focused on my career without having to balance it with a partner, which helped catapult my career. It was actually a quite powerful and positive time for me, having spent the years prior focused mainly on my partnerships and for the first time I was able to focus on me. As a monogamist, long-term [and] life-long commitment was always important to me, but marriage wasn't a need of mine. I had considered it, but it wasn't until I started a relationship with my husband that I really desired it. Having children, however, was always in my mind and heart. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and am thankful that I was able to.
Some people fear that they will lose themselves in a relationship or marriage, how have you been able to find balance within that role and tend to your partners needs as well as your needs while also still rocking it in your career?
Self-care is crucial for yourself and your relationships. It's like the airplane safety announcement as you take off on a plane where they say if your airmask drops that you have to put yours on before putting it on a child. It used to confuse me why you wouldn't put the airmask on the child first, and then it clicked. How can you help anyone if you're not at a healthy place to help yourself? You have to meet your own emotional needs first.
In the last few years of my personal journey, I've also learned that you're not responsible for other people's feelings and they are not responsible for yours, meaning you can't "make" others happy and it's no one's role to "make" you happy. You are the sole person responsible for your feelings and maintaining your balance is critical for your life and relationships. Having a partner that understands that is also helpful, otherwise you can get caught up in trying to make them happy while trying to make yourself happy which doesn't bode well for the long-term.
Of course, tending to your relationships is important and while putting your emotional needs first is crucial - it's key to know when to prioritize. My husband and I have been doing pretty well with it so far, especially with a newborn. Some days when I can see that he really needs a break and I'm tired also, I take some duties off his plate so he can relax - and vice versa. It's truly a balancing act!
"As a monogamist, long-term [and] life-long commitment was always important to me, but marriage wasn't a need of mine. I had considered it, but it wasn't until I started a relationship with my husband that I really desired it."
What was your perspective of marriage and motherhood before you actually became a mom and wife, and has it changed?
My perspective of marriage was that the ones that "seemed" - I say that in quotations because you never truly know - successful always managed to keep an element of romance and mystery. Now in marriage, we do our best with a newborn to keep it romantic and fun. I also think it's important not to get lost in the title of "wife" or "husband" because I think there are too many predetermined expectations that arise when using those terms. I like the idea of continuing to think of my husband as my best friend first. As far as my perspective of motherhood, I always knew it would be full of challenges, but in the back of my mind I always had this silly idea that it would be easier for me - not the case (laughs). I watched tons of YouTube videos, read books and researched blogs but nothing can prepare you for what your child needs.
At what point in your life did you understand the importance of pressing pause and finding balance in both your personal and professional life?
In 2016, I had a bit of a breakdown. I was working around the clock; photoshoots and meetings by day and DJing late nights. From the outside, I'm sure I looked [like I was] on top of the word but I was falling apart emotionally. That's when I learned Transcendental Meditation and went into Core Energetics therapy. I realized that not every job or opportunity is worth it if your sense of self is unraveling. It's so important to have the balance.
What is a typical day in your life? If no day is quite the same, give me a rundown of a typical workweek and what that might consist of.
Well, it was much different pre-COVID. A typical day is spent with my baby, having a photoshoot and doing work on my computer [or] iPhone. If I'm not researching designs or creative concepting a project, I'm taking photos or prepping social media content for brands. Sometimes I'm DJing a set from home or doing an Instagram live interview.
How has your self-care routine adjusted since the birth of your baby?
(Laughs) Self-care with a newborn is as basic as a shower, if I can get to it. Or eating a meal with two hands as opposed to shoveling food in my mouth with one hand and the baby in the other.
When you have a busy week, what’s the most hectic part of it?
Honestly, I think it's my interpretation. I've learned that our words and thoughts play a major role in how we experience things. By changing the phrase of "I've had a hard week" to "I've had a challenging week" changes the feeling from being powerless to being empowered. Also, the re-telling of the "hardships" of the week or complaining about it makes it worse, as if you relive it when you tell it or talk about it. I'm learning now to just chalk it up to an experience and move forward.
"I've learned that our words and thoughts play a major role in how we experience things. By changing the phrase of 'I've had a hard week' to 'I've had a challenging week' changes the feeling from being powerless to being empowered."
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Do you practice any types of self-care? What does that look like for you?
Morning meditation, listening to inspirational speakers, reading books that improve self. I'm also working on listening to my emotions and learning to decipher what they are versus pacifying myself with things (shopping, eating, distractions, etc).
When you are going through a bout of uncertainty, or feeling stuck, how do you handle it?
Asking fellow creative friends from my trusted circle helps. I like it when people can talk to me in a straightforward manner, but also people who understand the dilemma and have been there. My husband and friends are a really great source, but also sometimes I vent on Instagram stories and people reply with understanding words or helpful advice.
"I also think it's important not to get lost in the title of 'wife' or 'husband' because I think there are too many predetermined expectations that arise when using those terms. I like the idea of continuing to think of my husband as my best friend first."
Courtesy of Vashtie Kola
Honestly, what does success and happiness mean to you?
It's doing the work I love, being present for the people in my life, taking time for myself and bringing the best me I can be for me but also for my family and friends.
For more Vashtie Kola, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Vashtie Kola
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
____
Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images