Explore your sign’s 2024 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
August is a month of opportunity, and having patience with your progress. There are a lot of new beginnings and successful experiences flowing through the stars, but Mercury also goes retrograde this month, and there is a need to slow down right now as well. The month begins in Leo Season, and whenever the Sun is in a fire sign, it is always a more dynamic, passionate, and intense time for the collective.
With the New Moon of the month in Leo as well on August 4, things are heating up pretty quickly in August. The New Moon is the perfect time to set your intentions for the month and to also set your intentions for your self-confidence, personal success, and what’s going to make your heart shine. Not only do we have a New Moon on August 4, but Venus also enters the earth sign Virgo on this day as well, where she will remain until August 29.
Venus in Virgo brings more stable energy to relationship matters, and this is a time when the heart heals, priorities are recognized and unconditional love is favored. Venus in Virgo is selfless and gives love for the sake of being there for someone.
This is a good time to gain clarity within romantic matters, and to figure out what is going to be best for your health and well-being overall.
What August 2024 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
Mercury goes retrograde in August and will be retrograde in Virgo from August 5 until August 14, and then in Leo from August 14 until August 28. During the Mercury retrograde in Virgo transit, it’s all about the mind and finding healing here. Mercury is Virgo's planetary ruler so there is overall more magic felt with this transit than your typical Mercury retrograde because Virgo understands Mercury and vice versa.
While Mercury is retrograde in Leo for a few weeks, this energy may bruise some egos but overall allows people to gain clarity on self-expression, how they show up, and how they want to show up.
With all Mercury retrograde, communication matters should be taken with some extra precaution, hold off on signing any contracts unless necessary, and be more flexible with plans and changes that occur.
On August 19, we have one of the more potent Full Moons of the year, and that is the Supermoon in Aquarius, which also happens to be the Blue Moon of the year. This Supermoon is bringing in a lot of change, a lot of clarity, and the outcomes of what you have been committing to. This is a good time to let go of restrictive, self-imposed ideas of yourself, honor your freedom, and look at your authenticity with a renewed vision and sense of love. The Sun in Leo will be beaming support to us throughout the month, and this connection and support from the universe will especially be felt on this Supermoon.
Virgo Season officially begins on August 22, and it’s time to get organized, heal, do the work, and give a helping hand. When the Sun is in Virgo, we feel more inspired to get things done and take care of our well-being and the well-being of others, and this is overall a time when a lot is accomplished.
Venus enters Libra on August 29 before the month ends, and Venus is the ruling planet of Libra and feels at home here. We are leaving August with a sense of love renewed, the mind healed, and the past put behind us for good.
Read for your sun sign and rising sign below to see what the month has in store for you.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecoleARIES
August is a month of claiming your peace, Aries. You are in a place in your life where you have learned a lot and grown even more, and now it’s time to live in this space of renewal. You are mentally ready to heal, and there is support and encouragement around you to do so. The month begins with the Sun in your 5th house of romance, hobbies, happiness, and self-expression, and with a New Moon here on August 4, you are walking into August feeling a little more optimistic than usual. Set your intentions for the things you want to see highlighted more in your life.
Moving further into the month, there is a Super Blue Moon in Aquarius happening on August 19, and this Supermoon is a chance for you to gain clarity within your friendships and community in life.
This Full Moon is the perfect opportunity for you to let go of the idea that you are separate from the people around you, and to find gratitude in the support that is coming in for you now. Before August ends, Venus moves into your opposite sign, Libra, and this is good news for love. You are ending the month with a new sense of well-being, self-trust, and emotional harmony.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecoleTAURUS
August is all about letting go, Taurus. You are working through a lot right now, and with the stars aligning in your 4th house of home and family for most of the month, you need some extra support and protection. This is the time to let go of the idea of how you thought things would be right now and to trust more in where they are. When Venus moves into your house of romance from August 4 until August 29, you are going to be in a good space to receive love but will have to remember to let it come to you more rather than force it.
On August 14, Mercury goes retrograde in your 4th house, and this is a good time to review matters of the home. Is your environment a space where you feel comfortable and authentic? Or are there certain things you can move around or different people you can be around? It’s all about checking in with your emotional world this month and starting from there. Before August comes to an end, a Supermoon is occurring in your 10th house of career, and some work matters are coming full circle for you now. You are receiving more support and recognition as you end the month, and remember this is a reflection of the work you’ve done within, and the love you have for yourself.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecoleGEMINI
August is a month of success and empowerment for you, Gemini. You are feeling on top of it right now and are being seen as the successful being you are. Even though the month begins with your ruling planet going retrograde, you are navigating this time with inspiration and empowerment, and are seeing progress made. The New Moon of the month is occurring on August 4, and this New Moon is creating a breakthrough for you communication-wise. Channels are clearing, and you are getting a fresh start to use your voice, speak your mind, and create a bridge of connection to others.
Mercury, your ruling planet, will be retrograde in your 4th house from August 5 until August 14, and this is a good time to heal, spend more time at home, and nourish your inner world.
Challenges with family or close loved ones may arise during this time, and it’s showing you overall what you need to feel supported and what those around you may need as well. On August 19, there is a Supermoon in your 9th house of adventure, travel, and the higher mind, and you are moving through life with clarity. This Supermoon is a big eye-opener for you, and you are moving mountains and chasing dreams. Overall, you are rising above and claiming your power in August, Gemini.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecoleCANCER
You are renewing financially this month, Cancer. August is a month of stepping up to the plate, working on your goals, and receiving more positive feedback. A lot of the focus of the month is on your finances, with the Sun in your second house for most of August, and you are creating a new sense of abundance in your life. With Mercury going retrograde for a few weeks at the start of the month, you are taking this time to heal any miscommunications you have been having and to take more time to understand yourself and your mind.
As a Cancer, the Full Moon of the month is always an important time for you since you are ruled by the Moon. This month, we have a Super Blue Moon in Aquarius on August 19, and you are feeling especially emotional, passionate, and empowered during this time.
This Supermoon is a chance for you to take the lead on the transformations you are moving through in your life, and to let go of some of the fears that have been keeping you away from living your truth and feeling as abundant as you should. Before August ends, Venus moves into your 4th house, the house that Cancer rules, and you will truly feel at home, supported, and in tune this month.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecoleLEO
You are in a good space this month, Leo. You are feeling in harmony emotionally, and have a good balance between the give and take in your life. Not only is August the heart of Leo Season, but it’s also a time when new beginnings occur. On August 4, there is a New Moon in Leo, and this is really when you are going to be experiencing a fresh start in your life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for your progress, confidence, and the way you see yourself or want to show up in the world. On the same day, Venus moves into your 12th house of closure, and this new beginning may come through by letting something go in the process.
Mercury will be retrograde from August 5 until August 28 and will be retrograde in your sign from August 14 until August 28. Take your time with what you are pushing forth right now, and be a little more cautious with what you are communicating and how you are expressing it. Before the month ends, there is a Supermoon in your opposite sign, Aquarius, and this is providing the healing and compassion in love that you have been looking for. This Supermoon is about letting go of your past relationships to honor the new ones that are blooming for you now.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecoleVIRGO
August is a month of financial success for you, Virgo. You are receiving the energy you have put out there, and that means an increase of abundance, support, and balance in your life. Your intentions are manifesting for you, and this is a good month for feeling supported by the work you have done. Venus enters Virgo at the start of August and will be in your sign from August 4 until August 29, making love and financial matters more favorable for you during this time.
Extra support and love are here for you this month, and this is needed with Mercury going retrograde. Mercury retrograde begins in your sign and ends in Leo this month.
It will be retrograde in Virgo from August 5 until August 14, and your guidance for this time is to take things a little slower, trust your process, and not get ahead of yourself or the things you are bringing forth right now. Virgo Season officially begins on August 22 this year, and it’s your time to shine! Virgo Season this year is bringing a lot of transformation, and August is the perfect month to thrive and flourish before a change of energy comes into play.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecoleLIBRA
New beginnings are here for you emotionally this month, Libra. This month is bringing you a fresh start, but it’s coming through by putting in the work and taking time to listen to your heart more. August begins with Venus moving into Virgo from August 4 through August 29 until it enters your sign. While Venus is in Virgo, she is in your 12th house of closure, and you are letting go of the past in love in order to renew and enjoy the gifts of the present. Don’t bring what happened back then into what can happen for you in the future in love, and give yourself a clean slate this month.
Mercury goes retrograde in August and will be retrograde in your 11th house from August 14 until August 28. Give your friendships and your hopes and dreams some time to bloom without getting too caught up in perfection or the ego right now. Remember, everything happens for a reason this month, and that the universe is working with you and not against you. Venus officially enters your sign on August 29 where she will be until September 22, and you enter a month of love. The new beginnings you are seeing in your love life at the end of the month are here to stay, and you are getting the opportunity to experience a deeper connection to romance.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecoleSCORPIO
August is about living a fulfilled life, Scorpio. Things are coming full circle for you, and you are growing immensely. The month begins with a New Moon in your 10th house of career and reputation, and this is a good time to set intentions for your dreams. Remember how supported and loved you are, and recognize where your skills and talents are and how you can capitalize and support yourself more here. This is a successful month for you, and you will feel these opportunities coming through during this New Moon.
Mercury goes retrograde for a few weeks this month and will be retrograde in your 10th house of career, and then your 11th house of friendship. Don’t lose sight of what you have been working towards and remember how hard you have worked to get here.
The people who are meant for you will support you along the way, and the people who are not will be made clear to you during this time. Venus enters your 12th house of endings, closure, dreams, and spirituality before the month ends, and you are ending August ready to heal, create, and understand your inner world better.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleSAGITTARIUS
This month is all about going at your own pace, Sagittarius. You are learning the importance of being a little kinder to yourself and showing yourself grace no matter who else is. August begins with Mercury going retrograde in your 10th house of career from August 5 until August 14, and you have a lot to think about right now. You may not be receiving the feedback you are looking for during this time, and it’s teaching you something about unwavering confidence. This isn’t the best time to start a new job or career or to push something out there, but it is a good time to think about your purpose in this area of your life, what you want to be known for, and how you want to shine in the world.
The Supermoon in Aquarius on August 19, is going to be a good time for you in regards to communication matters, and this is when you are feeling more clear-headed in the month. This Full Moon is about letting go of mental conflicts and confusion and being around people who make you feel safe, seen, and understood. Venus moves into your 11th house of friendship, community, and hopes and dreams on August 29, and you are leaving the month feeling more supported than you have been, which is reminding you how valuable and worthy you have been all along.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecoleCAPRICORN
Life comes full circle for you in August, Capricorn. Financial success is flowing through your world, and there are a lot of opportunities and support in your life right now. The month begins with the Sun in your 8th house of intimacy, shared finances, spirituality, and transformation, and you are receiving some extra financial support and clarity this month. On August 5, Mercury goes retrograde in your 9th house until August 14, and this isn’t the best time to travel or overdo it. Take your time right now, and think things through before taking action.
The New Moon and Full Moon of the month are both highlighting your finances and are creating progress for you here. On August 4, the New Moon in your 8th house is a good time to set your intentions for what you want to do on a daily basis, and how you want to receive financial support and feedback by doing so.
On August 19, there is a Super Blue Moon in your 2nd house of income, and this is really when you are going to be experiencing some fortunate opportunities financially. This is a good month for financial matters, and it’s all about letting go of the idea that you are not worthy of the things you have been working toward.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecoleAQUARIUS
Happy outcomes are coming into your life in August, Aquarius. You have been working hard on creating and living the life you dream of, and you are seeing this energy flourish in your life this month. The happiness you are feeling is contagious, and you are attracting a lot of support and success in your life in August with the Sun and a lot of the energy in your sister sign, Leo, your heart, and your emotional world are where a lot of the action is now. This all begins with a New Moon in your 7th house on August 4, and this is a good time to set your intentions for romance, relationship matters, balance, and also your finances.
Mercury goes retrograde in this same area of your chart from August 14 until August 28, and your guidance for this time is not to lose sight of all the progress you have made in love when a few challenges arise. Take any miscommunications that may happen now as a learning ground for your relationships, and choose the high road when you can. At the end of August, there is a Super Blue Moon in your sign, and this is one of the more powerful Full Moons of 2024. With this energy being in your sign, you are the one in the spotlight right now, and it’s time to soak in the confidence, empowerment, and success you are feeling now.
PiscesKyra Jay for xoNecolePISCES
This month is all about having patience with yourself and with love, Pisces. The month begins with the Sun in your 6th house of health, work, and daily routine, and with a New Moon occurring here on August 4 as well. With all of this energy in your 6th house, you are taking a look at your lifestyle, what works for you, and what makes you feel purposeful. On August 4, Venus also moves into your opposite sign, Virgo, and love is coming full circle for you now, and you are thriving in this energy.
Love this month is experiencing a renewal, and a lot of this is coming from the different choices you are making when it comes to your health and overall well-being in life.
Mercury will be retrograde in your 6th house from August 14 until Mercury goes direct on August 28, and what this means for you is a chance to rethink and restrategize. A lot of this month is guiding you towards what is best for you and your daily life, however, it’s up to you to choose for yourself. Be careful with overcommitting right now, but make sure you are doing the work to put yourself and your heart in a good place. Overall, there is a lot to think about this month, but if you can trust yourself and your process, you will see an evolution in your life.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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