2023 ends with Mercury in retrograde, and with the events of the year, this makes a lot of sense. Healing is needed, new ground must be built, and chapters are closing that have been lost in the chaos. The end of the year may feel a little heavier as we work on releasing the strong bonds that have been holding us back from living out our dreams and true potential.
When Is the Final Mercury Retrograde of 2023?
Mercury enters Capricorn on Dec. 1 and goes retrograde on Dec. 13. Mercury retrograde then moves into Sagittarius on Dec. 23, where it will finish its retrograde motion until Jan. 1, 2024. Mercury wants to send a message at the end of this year, and the message, “Get things together before the new year because you can’t bring old energy into new blessings.”
Read: Your December 2023 Horoscopes Are All About Fresh Starts And Pushing Boundaries
Mercury Retrograde December 2023 & Its Meaning
Mercury retrograde happens a few times every year and throughout different signs and modalities. This year, Mercury’s retrogrades were giving earth signs a run for their money, as its transits were in these signs this year. This Mercury retrograde transit is a little different, as it moves into a fire sign at the end of its transit, signifying a shift being made before the year ends.
Use this Mercury retrograde to put the past behind you, to get things in order, especially financially, and to be a little more responsible. This is not the most favorable time to sign contracts, travel without planning thoroughly, overcommit, or rush things.
Mercury retrograde is overall a time to gain inspiration, rest more, refocus your thoughts, and give yourself time to stand on new ground.
Read below to see how this Mercury Retrograde transit will be affecting you. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
What the Final Mercury Retrograde of 2023 Has in Store for Your Sign
Getty ImagesWhat the Final Mercury Retrograde of 2023 Has in Store for Your Sign
ARIES
Career and professional matters come into focus for you during this Mercury retrograde, and you are thinking all about your long-term goals right now, Aries. It’s about being okay with cheering yourself on for a while, with or without that same recognition from others. Know that what you have accomplished for yourself is just as worthy of support, and it will come when it needs to. Honor your skills and your talents, be willing to learn more, and continue to expect and believe in your blessings in life.
With the energy of this Mercury retrograde, you could be experiencing some misunderstandings with authority figures, clients, or peers in your working environment. Feelings of not being understood or appreciated for the work you are doing can come up for you during this time, and you are seeking some stability and assurance in your career right now. Patience and discernment at work are necessary, and you’ll want to go over the work you produce thoroughly during this time.
This Mercury retro ends with the energy moving into your 9th house, and your mind is somewhere else entirely by the end of the year, which helps you relax without putting too much pressure on yourself.
TAURUS
This Mercury retrograde for you, Taurus, is about taking things slow, enjoying your time, and not rushing plans or adventures. You may be feeling a little more restless during this transit, but use this time to get your body moving rather than lead towards impulsion. With this Mercury retrograde occurring in your 9th house of adventure, travel, and the higher mind, there is a sense of needing some more downtime to reflect and understand what your inner world has been guiding you towards without the chatter of others. This isn’t the best time to travel, but it is a good time to explore in ways that you can.
Know that plans change and paths detour, but they are often blessings in disguise rather than true hindrances to our lives. Through the experiences you’ve encountered so far this year, a new perspective has been born, and you are looking at your beliefs, truths, and values right now. At the end of this transit, Mercury retro will be helping you bring things into focus financially, and some of the inspirations and adventures you were musing over at the beginning of this transit are moving through the planning stages now.
GEMINI
This Mercury retrograde for you, is a transformative experience, Gemini. Mercury retrogrades always hit a little closer to home for you since Mercury is your chart ruler, but this one is especially being felt as it’s happening in your 8th house of depth, rebirth, sensuality, and intimacy. Mercury will be bringing the focus on where your energy has been spent and if it’s benefiting you and your empowerment in life, or limiting you.
It’s about asking for what you need within your close partnerships, commitments, and within your financial world, and knowing that you deserve just that.
Once Mercury goes direct on Jan. 1, 2024, you are going to feel more clarity and empowerment in your life and feel like you have cleared the way for more blessings to enter. However, before Mercury goes direct, it will briefly move into Sagittarius, your sister sign, and relationship matters are once again being brought up for you to clear and understand for the better. This transit is about breaking down the walls you’ve had around your mind and allowing a new perspective to be born.
CANCER
Mercury will be retrograde in your opposite sign, Capricorn, making this retrograde transit about your relationships in life, Cancer. You are focused on where the love has been and where you still want it to grow, and it’s about being patient with your efforts. You could be experiencing some miscommunications within your one-on-one partnerships during this transit, and will be understanding your own mirror and triggers better. Relationship dynamics are shifting, trust that they will shift into a better position for love to thrive.
The end of this transit involved Mercury moving into your 6th house of health, work, and daily routine, and this is the energy you are re-working in your life as the year comes to an end. Old health concerns may reappear during this time so that you can get another chance at greater health, healing, and understanding of your body. Overall, you are finding a way to create new, beneficial systems in your life during this transit.
LEO
Taking care of your health and honoring your time and energy is a priority right now, Leo. With this Mercury retrograde, this is a good time to strengthen a skill, dive into a subject you want to know more about, and put a little more focus on your overall well-being. You especially value being of service right now and will have the energy to get things done, but be careful with errors and double-check your work thoroughly.
Once Mercury goes direct on Jan. 1, 2024, you are going to start seeing more improvements at work, forward movement with projects, and more balance with your peers and within your everyday life. Before Mercury retro comes to a close, however, it moves into your 5th house of romance for a brief period, and your heart may be a little more confused as the year ends. Be careful with smoke and mirrors appearing as fate, and know that romance that takes its time to develop is just as valuable to you right now.
VIRGO
This Mercury retrograde transit for you has to do with love, romance, and your sense of happiness in life right now. You may be finding that things that once made you happy are a little lackluster now, and you are moving through a journey of listening to your heart more. If you haven’t been prioritizing your happiness, hobbies, or leisure time, this matter will be becoming more pressing for you now.
Any limitations you have been feeling creatively and romantically come up at this time to be reviewed, healed, and understood better.
Once Mercury goes direct from this transit you will have a better understanding of what makes you happy, making it easier for you to create those spaces. The end of this Mercury retrograde for you is all about the home, and you are entering 2024 with some new ideas about your home life, emotional world, and sense of stability, and you will be breaking new ground in the new year, Virgo.
LIBRA
Mercury retrograde for you right now is all about getting back to the basics and being more practical, Libra. Spending time with family and loved ones is where your mind is right now, but also may be what’s causing you the disruption. You are taking a look at your foundations, where you are feeling that support in your life, and where you want to continue to grow your roots. Your emotional well-being is a priority, and your safe spaces are where to be to get through this.
Your stability in life and how you feel grounded in it all are in focus right now, and this is a good time to declutter, finish that home project, and bring peace into the home and surroundings. The end of this Mercury retro involves how you have been communicating, and some people from the past may be coming in for some last words. Think things through, honor your truth, and communicate from the heart.
SCORPIO
Mercury retrograde will be moving through your house of communication, and miscommunications and misunderstandings with others are more likely now. The influence for you during this transit is about overcoming previous communication challenges and seeing what has been blocking you from feeling heard or connected to others. You could be taking things a little more personally during this Mercury retrograde, and giving yourself more patience, love, and self-acceptance is needed now.
This will be an inspiring time for you, nonetheless, and journaling and writing are favored right now. The second half of this Mercury retro will be in your 2nd house of finances, and with the mental clarity you have been working towards as of late; you are now looking to see this clear focus in your finances, earnings, and earning potentials. This Mercury retrograde for you overall is about strengthening your confidence in yourself in it all, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS
Mercury retrograde will be putting things into focus financially for you, Sagittarius. With this being the last Mercury retrograde of the year, you are taking a look at your entire financial journey this year, and recreating new goals for yourself moving forward. You may be seeing some errors in your spending or may need to spend a little more at the end of the year, and financially, you are going through a certain closure right now.
Overall, this has to do with your values and how worthy you see yourself as living the abundant life of your dreams.
You are focusing more on the giving and receiving in your life during this time and finding greater balance here. On Dec. 23, Mercury enters your sign until Jan. 7, 2024, and will be direct on Jan. 1, 2024. Mercury in Sag is a firecracker, and anything will be less than settled during this time, but the fire that is burning is leading you to a clearer path.
CAPRICORN
Mercury retrograde begins in your sign and in your 1st house of self, Capricorn. This Mercury retrograde transit may feel a little more intense for you than most, but it will also feel more personally empowering for you as well with the way it impacts your chart. This is the type for you to take a look at the entire year that’s been, to decide on what this means for you, and to stand by your authentic truths. Don’t doubt your progress right now, and trust that your path is right for you because it is yours alone.
This Mercury retrograde for you overall is about being consistent with your personal growth and about getting your ducks in a row. On Dec. 23, Mercury retro leaves your sign and enters Sag, and you get to walk into the new year with a little less weight on your shoulders and your heart. You are seeing closures as this transit comes to an end; you are letting go of the past for good.
AQUARIUS
Life is coming full circle for you this Mercury retrograde as you close one door and prepare to walk through a new one. You may be feeling a little more emotional and in tune with your inner world during this transit, as it’s occurring at the very bottom of your chart, where everything is hidden, including the things you may necessarily not want to bring up.
This isn’t the time to entertain the past or see things better than they were, but it is the time to accept, process, and heal from them. What’s being brought up for you now is doing so so that you can experience an emotional renewal in your life, and this is the time to give yourself the space to process and heal. By the end of this transit, Mercury moves into the house your sign rules over, and you get a little push to rewrite your story and create your future.
PISCES
Mercury goes retrograde in an area of your chart having to do with friendships, community, and your hopes and dreams, and you could be feeling a lack of inspiration in your life for the time being. This doesn’t mean it isn’t there; you may just have to look a little harder to see it.
This Mercury Retrograde is allowing you to re-think some of your long-term goals to see if they still apply to you now and is helping you really examine and get the full picture.
Friendships could be experiencing a shift, but the strong ones will make it with you into the new year. Past goals, future goals, and their progress all come up for review for you during this time, and this allows you to see where you can put more intention and effort into them.
The end of this transit involves Mercury moving into your 10th house of career, and you are ending the year looking to bring things to fruition in your professional and social worlds.
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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My advice was to reach out; not just because I’m not a fan of ghosting (I personally believe that it is hella disrespectful) but because communication brings forth clarity and, even if it is time for a particular relationship to shift, if there was ever a genuine connection present at all, I believe that it deserves the honor of both people transitioning or even walking away with a mutual understanding. It’s a good way to bring about peace.
Anyway, as I shared that with my client, she said, “I hear you. I think a part of my thing is I rarely keep a lot of friends around anyway.” To that, she’s not rare. Reportedly, most folks have somewhere between 3-6 close friends only (check out “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” and “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”). However, since my client did admit that when it comes to challenges and conflicts in her relationships, she’d rather internalize (and make assumptions) than articulate them to the people involved — I couldn’t help but wonder if her close friends are the same way. If she has been influenced to handle relationships with this type of approach.
Why would that be my conclusion? It’s because science literally states that, if you’re not careful, you can actually pick up on your friends’ habits — whether you want to or not…or believe that you are…or not.
Let’s explore how and why.
Is Peer Pressure Just a “Kid’s Thing”?
GiphyPeer pressure. Isn’t it interesting that, when it comes to children and adolescents, we totally believe that peer pressure is a real thing — and yet, somehow, when it comes to adult friendships, most of us do not? SMDH. Personally, I find that to be hilarious when the reality is that you can go onto any social media platform, stay on there for 10 minutes, and you will see a handful of people who have the same appearance, parrot the exact same thoughts and go on and on about how they want the life of some celebrity who they don’t know. Know what that is the result of? Peer pressure and y’all, if complete strangers can influence others in that manner, how much more can intimate connections do the same?
One study says that the people in your life can absolutely influence you on a significant level — at least until you reach middle age. The logic here is that, as a young(er) adult, you’re still not as good at regulating emotions, exhibiting an elevated level of self-control, and taking a stance of nonconformity; therefore, whatever your friends are doing, you will consider the same things. In fact, one part of the study revealed that if a person had a desire for a particular thing but was trying to avoid it and yet they were in the presence of friends who were doing it, younger adults were more likely to copy their friends than older adults were.
Oh, and let’s not act like the saying “keeping up with the Joneses” was for kids. If your life is consumed or hell, even motivated by getting what others have, simply because other people have it, that is another indication that you are vulnerable to peer pressure.
However, it was after I decided to dig a bit deeper into the topic of adult peer pressure that I discovered a few things that I wanted to share with each of you — just so that you can be more self-aware in your own friendships; especially your close ones.
Be Careful. Sometimes Your Friends Will Alter You Without You Even Noticing It.
GiphyBirds of a feather flock together. We’ve all heard the saying and, also according to science, when it comes to our interactions with others, there is quite a bit of truth to it — that’s because we care about what people think. Hmph, even those who say that they don’t are in a form of self-denial, because you can’t really be in an authentic relationship with someone and not care what they think. Take myself, for instance.
Do I care what most people think? Absolutely not. Do I care about who I consider to be my intimate circle and what their thoughts are? Yes. I respect their opinion, I value their input and I look to them to hold me accountable. You can’t hold people in that kind of space if their thoughts and feelings mean nothing to you. Plus, I don’t know why they would want to be in your life if that were indeed the case.
Okay, but let me stay focused. Since all of us care about at least what one individual thinks about us, this means that they have the ability to influence us. And here’s what’s a trip: when we find ourselves doing things that they do, that can reward the pleasure parts of our brain and cause us to feel good…even if what they/we are doing isn’t the best idea.
Case in point. BBC’s article, “How your friends change your habits - for better and worse,” shares that the kind of friends that you have can impact your health (and health-related) decisions as well. To prove this, two sentences in the piece literally say, “We often think that self-control comes from within, yet many of our actions depend just as much on our friends and family as ourselves. Those we surround ourselves with have the power to make us fatter, drink more alcohol, care less about the environment and be more risky with sun protection, among many things.”
It goes on to share that this isn’t simply due to surface-level peer pressure. Nah, the “scary” thing here is that this can oftentimes be an unconscious act. That’s because, whether you realize it or not, your brain picks up on the cues of other folks and that can change your behavior — even if you’re not fully aware of it transpiring at the time. And when that is the case, their influence can impact you, even when they aren’t in your physical presence.
Shoot, I can vouch for that because there are certain phrases that I now use that I know came from a close friend of mine and a girlfriend of mine says that she now reacts to negative energy in a particular way that I do as the result of hearing me talk about the approach so much (not because she intentionally planned on doing it).
Oh, and then there is something that is known as vicarious dissonance. Probably the best way to define this is it’s when you may observe a behavior of a friend that you may not agree with and yet, due to their influence in your life, it can cause you to “relax” your stance or perspective. For instance, you may be someone who rarely drinks while one of your friends is a borderline lush. And so, whenever you go out to eat with them, you find yourself ordering a drink although you don’t really do that with any of your other friends.
And don’t even get me started on co-rumination — or, what my mother used to say? Eating each other’s throw-up. It’s basically the habit of friends exchanging problems without ever really talking about solutions. Hmph. That reminds me of one of my favorite “warning” quotes: “We all look for demons that play well with our own.”
Although co-rumination can be beneficial in the sense of finding someone who sympathizes or even empathizes with you, if all you are doing is talking about challenges, trials, and issues without figuring out how to change them — you are basically influencing one another to remain in a state of negativity and that can ultimately take a toll on your mental and physical health, your self-worth, how you make decisions and yes, your other relationships too.
Example: If you and one of your closest friends are married and all you both do is get on the phone to bash your husbands — do you think that is helping your marriage? IT’S NOT.
If Your Friends Aren’t Making You Better…(You Know the Rest)
GiphyThe reason why topics like these are important to mention from time to time is sometimes we don’t like something about our life or ourselves and yet we remain frustrated because we don’t know what to do about it. From where I sit, what all of this data has revealed is it can’t hurt to do a bit of unpacking as it relates to your friendships and the role that they play. Are they healthy? Is their influence beneficial? Does their presence make things in your life easier or more challenging?
You know, something else that science says about friendship is when you have healthy friends, they can help you (better) connect to your sense of purpose, make you more self-confident, and help you to break bad habits. These are all examples of how someone’s influence can change you for the better. All I’m saying is that a lot of people have chaos around them and they never factor in the fact that the influence of their friendships may be a huge part of the reason why.
A Greek storyteller by the name of Aesop once said, “If you choose bad companions, no one will believe that you are anything but bad yourself.” Author Frank Sonnenberg once said, “Keeping bad company is like being in a germ-infested area. You never know what you’ll catch.” A retired soccer player by the name of Hans Fróði Hansen once said, "People inspire you or they drain you. Pick them wisely.” All of this is wisdom.
Listen, you can be out here thinking that the people, places, things, and ideas that you’re around don’t influence or impact you; science says otherwise, though. So, if something is “off” about your world, my recommendation would be to look at your friendships. The act could be quite telling.
Quite telling, indeed.
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