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15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level
I don't know about y'all, but I always enjoy a good hack. With all that I've got going on, anything that can help me get something accomplished faster or easier, that is something I want to know about—quick, fast, and in a hurry. And since y'all also (probably) know that I like to write about sex, I thought it would be a good idea to share some sex hacks—you know, certain things that you can do to bring more pleasure into your sexual experience without having to expend a lot of unnecessary time, effort and energy.
If that's something you've secretly been Googling while you're at work but haven't been able to find a cheat sheet that totally "scratches the itch", hopefully, this is the answer to your prayers. I've got 15 sex hacks that can make foreplay, climaxing, and all things in between better than they've probably been in a while. Perhaps, even better than they've ever been before. #wink
15 Sex Hacks For Better Sex
1. Do Some Stretches Together
It's kind of crazy that, while most of us know it's a good idea to do some stretches before working out, we don't give stretching out much thought before having sex. If you want to be able to easily get into some of the positions that are able to maximize your sexual pleasure, doing simple things like touching your toes, putting your arms behind your back, and bringing your knees up to your chest while laying on your back are all ways to warm your body up, so that you and your partner can easily switch from a favorite sex position to something new without a lot of discomfort—whether during the act or the hours that follow.
2. Eat Some Papaya
If you really look at a papaya (when it's sliced in half), it actually makes sense why it's a good idea for a man to umm, eat it (and I'll leave that right there). Anyway, when guys add papaya to their diet, the enzyme arginine that's in it will help to increase the blood flow to his penile region.
As far as we're concerned because papaya is a fruit that is also considered to be estrogenic (which basically means that it triggers the production of estrogen in the body), it can also help to strengthen our libido whenever we snack on some of it too.
3. Dance to Your Favorite Sex Jams Together
For a lot of people, sex and music go hand in hand (check out "Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life"). But whether or not that is actually the case for you and your boo, a great form of pre-foreplay is slow dragging together in a dimly lit room to some of your favorite sex-themed jams. "Adorn" (Miguel). "Nice & Slow" (Usher). "So Anxious" (Ginuwine). "Soon As I Get Home" (Faith Evans). "Brown Skin" (India.Arie). "Sex Therapy" (Robin Thicke). "Untitled (How Does It Feel?)" (D'Angelo). "Dive In" (Trey Songz). "Say Yes" (Floetry). "Breathe" (Raheem DeVaughn).
C'mon, y'all. How can you not want to get some after listening to 2-3 of these tracks while dancing all up on your partner? Whew.
4. Tell Each Other What You Love Most About Sex with Each Other
If you've been in a long-term relationship since you can remember, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. When I'm working with a couple who seems to be in a bit of a ho-hum state in their relationship (hey, it happens), something that I will oftentimes recommend that they do is write down all of the reasons why they fell for their partner in the first place. After they do, I then suggest that they post it up somewhere so that they and their partner can look at it, whenever they'd like to.
Along these same lines, sex ruts are fairly common too (check out "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). One way to pull out of those is to take a similar approach. Take a moment to think about all of the things that you enjoy about your partner sexually. But rather than (just) writing those things down, tell them. Taking a stroll down your own sexual memory lane can pull you back into why your partner is your sex partner of choice as well.
Plus, them hearing you share the reasons why you are so into them can do wonders for their sexual self-esteem (you too when they make a point to return the favor). By the way, make sure to be as graphic as possible. It's a kind of "dirty talk affirming" that definitely doesn't get the level of credit that it very much so deserves.
5. Keep Some Baby Wipes Nearby
Spontaneity in sex is always a good thing. That said, if you happen to be a bit of a germaphobe but making the time to take a shower feels like it would ruin the mood, keep some baby wipes nearby. They're convenient and able to "clean up" whatever needs it in a pinch. A brand that is good for your vagina and the environment actually isn't baby wipes but disposable ones. They're called GoodWipes Flushable Down There Rosewater Cleansing Wipes. You can get a box for under five bucks.
6. Cop a Waterproof Blanket
If you're someone who loves sex but hates the cleanup of it all, something that you might want to consider investing in is a waterproof blanket. If you put one of those underneath you and your partner, you'll be able to enjoy the comfort of a regular blanket while being able to simply wipe off any of the fluids that get onto it once you're, well, done. (You can find some of these by going to your favorite search engine and putting "waterproof blanket" in the search field.)
7. Bring a Chair into the Mix
I'm in my 40s, so it's actually kind of funny to hear the people, who I knew when we were both in our 20s, talk about how, while the drive for sex is still well and good, their back isn't as "youthful" as it used to be. If that is something you are able to nod your head in agreement about, when was the last time you had sex in a chair? Not only is it a great way for your partner to get some of the spine support that he needs but you can oftentimes get deeper penetration this way too.
At first, I was going to try and explain in words how to try a few new positions that involve a chair, but sharing pics is more effective. Plus, I was tickled that there's actually a site out in cyberspace called Christian Friendly Sex Positions (hilarious) that features some. Anyway, you can see over 40 different ways to have sex in a chair there, here.
8. Add Some Coconut Oil and Honey
If you or your partner are someone who struggles with chafing during sex, something that you might want to do is bring some coconut oil into the mix. If you apply it to your genitalia and inner thighs, it can significantly decrease the amount of uncomfortable friction that you might usually experience.
To make this an even more delightful hack, add a teaspoon of honey to every three tablespoons of coconut oil. Zap the mixture in the microwave for 15 minutes and then apply. Things will not only be wetter, but tastier too (if you know what I mean).
9. Spray Your Sheets with Casimiroa Edulis
Putting pretty much any essential oil (that doesn't have menthol in it like peppermint or eucalyptus do) on your sheets is going to make for a pretty sexy evening. But Casimiroa Edulis (also known as white sapote) is dope because it's able to increase your partner's sex drive, improve the quality of his semen, and hinder premature ejaculation. If you're wondering what it smells like, a lot of people compare the fruit itself to a combination of a peach and banana.
As far as where you can get some, I'll admit that it takes a little bit of doing. But Now Foods features a love blend that has Casimiroa Edulis as one of its main ingredients. You can cop a bottle of it here. Oh, and sites like Top Tropical and even Etsy sell the fruit.
10. Maintain Eye Contact
If you're someone who really does prefer to have sex in the dark, here's a reason to at least consider putting a blue or red light bulb into one of your lamps. If you want to feel emotionally closer and more connected to your partner during sex, eye contact is a surefire way to do that. I've actually had several of my male friends and clients tell me that when a man never wants a woman in a sexual position to where he has to look at her for a long period of time, it's usually because he wants to have sex "at" her rather than with her (meaning, it's more about getting off than being intimate with her).
Besides, eye contact during sex helps for both people's walls to come way down. And when you feel naked, on all levels, with your partner, that helps to cultivate a level of trust and security that makes you far more open to exploring all ways to bring forth mutual sexual pleasure.
11. Give Your Partner a Pre-Prostate Exam (Kinda)
Probably, until the end of time, there will be debates on whether or not the G-spot (on a man or woman) is a "real" thing. What I will say is when I found out where mine was supposedly located and I gave it a test run, some doors of pleasure opened up for me that I hadn't ever experienced before. Several of the fellas in my life say the same thing about when their prostate is ever so gently massaged.
Basically, a prostate is a walnut-sized gland that is right between a man's bladder and rectum. When you touch it, it can create an extra level of pressure and pleasure that is hard for them to describe. If you're down to do a little experimenting, you can click here for tips on where exactly to find your partner's prostate and how to massage it in a way that will make him not forget you. Ever.
12. Get into Some Femoral Action
Remember when I shouted out the coconut oil and honey a couple of points up? Another way that the blend can come in handy is if you and your partner are down for a little femoral action. If you're not familiar with what that is, it's when a man uses his penis to caress your inner thighs without actually penetrating you. Why the heck would you wanna do that? It's actually a great way to build up excitement and for him to increase his stamina, so that by the time intercourse actually takes place, you both are so revved up that a simultaneous orgasm is almost a given!
13. Have Your Partner Make “Cunnilingus Circles”
Clitoral hoods are important. So important, in fact, that I actually wrote an entire article devoted to that little part of our anatomy (check out "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). And since our clitoris and clitoral hood have leading roles in how often we orgasm and how intensely we are able to climax whenever we do, I'm always down for finding "clit hacks" to increase sexual pleasure.
Well, Men's Health featured a study of over 1,000 women with 3 out of 4 ladies saying that, whenever a man uses his tongue or even his fingers to draw tiny circles around their clitoral area, that is a guaranteed way to get them off. If you've never tried it that way before, 75 percent of women say that you should. It definitely couldn't hurt. Quite the opposite, in fact.
14. Try a New Position. Often.
Here's something that's a trip. According to some sex experts, there are only six actual sex positions. The missionary, the cowgirl, the reverse cowgirl, doggy style, spooning and standing. Anything else is basically a variation of those. While that may be true, I look at this little discovery like ice cream flavors. Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry might be the classics, but vanilla bean, rocky road and strawberry cheesecake can make those flavors good AF. Same thing with sex positions.
If you want to bring more variety into your sex life, get out of the traditional sex and try a new variation, at least every third time you and yours come (and cum) together. If you need some inspiration, Kinkly is a site that actually features dozens of different sex positions ranked by type, mobility, and what part of your body it will excite the most. How cool is that? Check it out here.
15. Kiss As You Cum
Some people hate to kiss. Personally, I'm not one of those individuals, but I do think that sharing your mouth with someone else is pretty damn intimate and something that we shouldn't be out here just randomly doing (check out "Before You Lean In For Another Kiss, Read This."). But when you do find that person who you want to slob down (LOL), try and be intentional about doing it, right as you're about to have an orgasm.
Kissing is intense. The oxytocin that is shared with your partner can make you feel closer to them. And there's something about tongues touching during a climax that is—whew! NEXT LEVEL, chile! Kissing while coming is truly one of the best sex hacks that there is. Enjoy every single moment, sis.
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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