I don't know about y'all, but I always enjoy a good hack. With all that I've got going on, anything that can help me get something accomplished faster or easier, that is something I want to know about—quick, fast and in a hurry. And since y'all also (probably) know that I like to write about sex, I thought it would be a good idea to share some sex hacks—you know, certain things that you can do to bring more pleasure into your sexual experience without having to expend a lot of unnecessary time, effort and energy.
If that's something you've secretly been Googling while you're at work but haven't been able to find a cheat sheet that totally "scratches the itch", hopefully this is the answer to your prayers. I've got 15 sex hacks that can make foreplay, climaxing and all things in between better than they've probably been in a while. Perhaps, even better than they've ever been before. #wink
1. Do Some Stretches Together
It's kind of crazy that, while most of us know it's a good idea to do some stretches before working out, we don't give stretching out much thought before having sex. If you want to be able to easily get into some of the positions that are able to maximize your sexual pleasure, doing simple things like touching your toes, putting your arms behind your back and bringing your knees up to your chest while laying on your back are all ways to warm your body up, so that you and your partner can easily switch from a favorite sex position to something new without a lot of discomfort—whether during the act or the hours that follow.
2. Eat Some Papaya
If you really look at a papaya (when it's sliced in half), it actually makes sense why it's a good idea for a man to umm, eat it (and I'll leave that right there). Anyway, when guys add papaya to their diet, the enzyme arginine that's in it will help to increase the blood flow to his penile region.
As far as we're concerned, because papaya is a fruit that is also considered to be an estrogenic (which basically means that it triggers the production of estrogen in the body), it can also help to strengthen our libido whenever we snack on some of it too.
3. Dance to Your Favorite Sex Jams Together
For a lot of people, sex and music go hand in hand (check out "Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life"). But whether or not that is actually the case for you and your boo, a great form of pre-foreplay is slow dragging together in a dimly lit room to some of your favorite sex-themed jams. "Adorn" (Miguel). "Nice & Slow" (Usher). "So Anxious" (Ginuwine). "Soon As I Get Home" (Faith Evans). "Brown Skin" (India.Arie). "Sex Therapy" (Robin Thicke). "Untitled (How Does It Feel?)" (D'Angelo). "Dive In" (Trey Songz). "Say Yes" (Floetry). "Breathe" (Raheem DeVaughn). C'mon, y'all. How can you not want to get some after listening to 2-3 of these tracks while dancing all up on your partner? Whew.
4. Tell Each Other What You Love Most About Sex with Each Other
If you've been in a long-term relationship since you can remember, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. When I'm working with a couple who seems to be in a bit of a ho-hum state in their relationship (hey, it happens), something that I will oftentimes recommend that they do is write down all of the reasons why they fell for their partner in the first place. After they do, I then suggest that they post it up somewhere so that they and their partner can look at it, whenever they'd like to.
Along these same lines, sex ruts are fairly common too (check out "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"). One way to pull out of those is to take a similar approach. Take out a moment to think about all of the things that you enjoy about your partner sexually. But rather than (just) writing those things down, tell them. Taking a stroll down your own sexual memory's lane can pull you back into why your partner is your sex partner of choice as well. Plus, them hearing you share the reasons why you are so into them can do wonders for their sexual self-esteem (you too when they make a point to return the favor). By the way, make sure to be as graphic as possible. It's a kind of "dirty talk affirming" that definitely doesn't get the level of credit that it very much so deserves.
5. Keep Some Baby Wipes Nearby
Spontaneity in sex is always a good thing. That said, if you happen to be a bit of a germaphobe but making the time to take a shower feels like it would ruin the mood, keep some baby wipes nearby. They're convenient and able to "clean up" whatever needs it in a pinch. A brand that is good for your vagina and the environment, actually isn't baby wipes but disposable ones. They're called GoodWipes Flushable Down There Rosewater Cleansing Wipes. You can get a box for under five bucks.
6. Cop a Waterproof Blanket
If you're someone who loves sex but hates the clean up of it all, something that you might want to consider investing in is a waterproof blanket. If you put one of those underneath you and your partner, you'll be able to enjoy the comfort of a regular blanket while being able to simply wipe off any of the fluids that get onto it once you're, well, done. (You can find some of these by going to your favorite search engine and putting "waterproof blanket" in the search field.)
7. Bring a Chair into the Mix
I'm in my 40s, so it's actually kind of funny to hear the people, who I knew when we were both in our 20s, talk about how, while the drive for sex is still well and good, their back isn't as "youthful" as it used to be. If that is something you are able to nod your head in agreement about, when's the last time you had sex in a chair? Not only is it a great way for your partner to get some of the spine support that he needs but you can oftentimes get deeper penetration this way too. At first, I was going to try and explain in words how to try a few new positions that involve a chair, but sharing pics is more effective. Plus, I was tickled that there's actually a site out in cyberspace called Christian Friendly Sex Positions (hilarious) that features some. Anyway, you can see over 40 different ways to have sex in a chair there, here.
8. Add Some Coconut Oil and Honey
If you or your partner are someone who struggles with chafing during sex, something that you might want to do is bring some coconut oil into the mix. If you both apply it to your genitalia and inner thighs, it can significantly decrease the amount of uncomfortable friction that you might usually experience.
To make this an even more delightful hack, add a teaspoon of honey to every three tablespoons of coconut oil. Zap the mixture in the microwave for 15 minutes and then apply. Things will not only be wetter, but tastier too (if you know what I mean).
9. Spray Your Sheets with Casimiroa Edulis
Putting pretty much any essential oil (that doesn't have menthol in it like peppermint or eucalyptus do) on your sheets is going to make for a pretty sexy evening. But Casimiroa Edulis (also known as white sapote) is dope because it's able to increase your partner's sex drive, improve the quality of his semen and hinder premature ejaculation. If you're wondering what it smells like, a lot of people compare the fruit itself to a combination of a peach and banana. As far as where you can get some, I'll admit that it takes a little bit of doing. But Now Foods features a love blend that has Casimiroa Edulis as one of its main ingredients. You can cop a bottle of it here. Oh, and sites like Top Tropical and even Etsy sell the fruit.
10. Maintain Eye Contact
If you're someone who really does prefer to have sex in the dark, here's a reason to at least consider putting a blue or red light bulb into one of your lamps. If you want to feel emotionally closer and more connected to your partner during sex, eye contact is a surefire way to do that. I've actually had several of my male friends and clients tell me that when a man never wants a woman in a sexual position to where he has to look at her for a long period of time, it's usually because he wants to have sex "at" her rather than with her (meaning, it's more about getting off than being intimate with her). Besides, eye contact during sex helps for both people's walls to come way down. And when you feel naked, on all levels, with your partner, that helps to cultivate a level of trust and security that makes you far more open to exploring all ways to bring forth mutual sexual pleasure.
11. Give Your Partner a Pre-Prostate Exam (Kinda)
Probably, until the end of time, there will be debates on whether or not the G-spot (on a man or woman) is a "real" thing. What I will say is when I found out where mine was supposedly located and I gave it a test run, some doors of pleasure opened up for me that I hadn't ever experienced before. Several of the fellas in my life say the same thing about when their prostate is ever so gently massaged. Basically, a prostate is a walnut-sized gland that is right between a man's bladder and rectum. When you touch it, it can create an extra level of pressure and pleasure that is hard for them to describe. If you're down to do a little experimenting, you can click here for tips on where exactly to find your partner's prostate and how to massage it in a way that will make him not forget you. Ever.
12. Get into Some Femoral Action
Remember when I shouted out the coconut oil and honey a couple of points up? Another way that the blend can come in handy is if you and your partner are down for a little femoral action. If you're not familiar with what that is, it's when a man uses his penis to caress your inner thighs without actually penetrating you. Why the heck would you wanna do that? It's actually a great way to build up excitement and for him to increase his stamina, so that by the time intercourse actually takes place, you both are so revved up that a simultaneous orgasm is almost a given!
13. Have Your Partner Make “Cunnilingus Circles”
Clitoral hoods are important. So important, in fact, that I actually wrote an entire article devoted to that little part of our anatomy (check out "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). And since our clitoris and clitoral hood have leading roles in how often we orgasm and how intensely we are able to climax whenever we do, I'm always down for finding "clit hacks" to increase sexual pleasure.
Well, Men's Health featured a study of over 1,000 women with 3 out of 4 ladies saying that, whenever a man uses his tongue or even his fingers to draw tiny circles around their clitoral area, that is a guaranteed way to get them off. If you've never tried it that way before, 75 percent of women say that you should. It definitely couldn't hurt. Quite the opposite, in fact.
14. Try a New Position. Often.
Here's something that's a trip. According to some sex experts, there are only six actual sex positions. The missionary, the cowgirl, the reverse cowgirl, doggy style, spooning and standing. Anything else is basically a variation of those. While that may be true, I look it this little discovery like ice cream flavors. Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry might be the classics, but vanilla bean, rocky road and strawberry cheesecake can make those flavors good AF. Same thing with sex positions. If you want to bring more variety into your sex life, get out of the traditional sex and try a new variation, at least every third time you and yours come (and cum) together. If you need some inspiration, Kinkly is a site that actually features dozens of different sex positions ranked by type, mobility and what part of your body it will excite the most. How cool is that? Check it out here.
15. Kiss As You Cum
Some people hate to kiss. Personally, I'm not one of those individuals, but I do think that sharing your mouth with someone else is pretty damn intimate and something that we shouldn't be out here just randomly doing (check out "Before You Lean In For Another Kiss, Read This."). But when you do find that person who you want to slob down (LOL), try and be intentional about doing it, right as you're about to have an orgasm. Kissing is intense. The oxytocin that is shared with your partner can make you feel closer to them. And there's something about tongues touching during a climax that is—whew! NEXT LEVEL, chile! Kissing while coming is truly one of the best sex hacks that there is. Enjoy every single moment, sis.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- Is Closure Sex Good? Should I Have Sex With My Ex? - xoNecole ... ›
- Why Make-up Sex Is So Good - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- There's A Six Minute Rule To Better Sex - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 10 Hacks To Get Your Marriage Back On Track - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (email@example.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Take Our 2-Minute Wellness Quiz To Up Your Self-Care Game!
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
Want to discover where you are on your wellness journey? You don't have to look far. In partnership with European Wax Center, we're bringing you a customized wellness quiz to help you up your wellness game. Answer our short series of questions to figure out which type of wellness lover you are, what you need to bring more balance into your life, and then go deeper by shopping products geared towards clearing your mind, healing your body, and soothing your spirit.
Ready to get whole? Take our quiz now!
Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'
Recently, while in an interview, someone asked me if I think that men and women can be just friends. I didn’t even hesitate to answer; my response was immediate, “Absolutely.” What I followed that up with is what intrigued them — “Life has taught me that not a lot of male/female dynamics are ‘platonic’, though.” When they asked me to expound, the interview ended up taking a whole ‘nother turn.
As a writer who really pays attention to word meanings, something that can be a bit frustrating about our culture is the fact that based on whatever is popular at the time, folks will just up and change the original definitions of words to suit a particular agenda or whim — and the word “platonic” 1000 percent fits into this category. And perhaps that’s why we seem to continue to go in circles about whether or not people of the opposite sex can (and should) be friends and what that even can (and should) look like.
Let’s talk about it for a bit. Because as a word-literal type of individual, while again, I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends, at the same time, I think it’s about as rare as a red diamond to truly find yourself in a friendship that is…platonic.
It’s Time (More) Folks Knew What ‘Platonic’ LITERALLY MeansGiphy
So, let’s do first things first — let’s define what it literally means for something to be platonic. If you go to your favorite search engine and put something along the lines of “What does platonic mean?”, the first thing that you’re (probably) going to see is a ton of dictionary definitions that say something along the lines of “of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex” (Merriam-Webster), “designating or of a relationship, or love, between a man and a woman that is purely spiritual or intellectual and without sexual activity” (Your Dictionary) and, my personal favorite, “purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of different sexes” (Dictionary). Yeah, bookmark that last one; I’ll be circling back.
Keeping this in mind (and please do), where does the word “platonic” actually come from? From what I’ve researched, the philosopher Plato once penned something entitled “Symposium.” In it, he addressed the topic of two people sharing the kind of love that is free of any type of sensual desire; one that is based on divine love alone. An author from the 1800s broke it down this way: “Platonic love meant ideal sympathy; it now means the love of a sentimental young gentleman for a woman he cannot or will not marry.” A write-up on Merriam-Webster’s site stated that, “The term platonic was initially used to mock non-sexual relationships, as it was considered ridiculous to separate love and sex, but eventually this connotation faded away leaving us with today's notion of close friendships.” Yeah, we used to live in a culture where love and sex were not separated. Hmph, that’s another article for another time, though (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”).
Anyway, as with many things (especially in our culture), the word “platonic” is kind of used in “broad strokes” these days (bromances, female friendships, etc.). However, because there continues to be this forever discussion — and oftentimes debate — about whether or not men and women can be “just friends,” I’m going to tackle this topic strictly from that angle — from the place where platonic actually originated.
Yes, Men and Women Can Be Just Friends. But…Giphy
At this stage in my life, I’m pretty sure that I have more male friends than female ones. There are layers of reasons why, yet I think a huge one is because I like the balance that masculinity brings to my femininity (especially as I'm learning to embrace different aspects of my femininity, intentionally, even more). And while every single one of my male friends is respectful and is a super safe space in my world on every single level that I can imagine (and have been for years now), there are probably only a couple who I would say 100 percent qualify as being…trulyplatonic.
Why would I say that? Well, I’ll illustrate this point with something that one of my male friends once said to me. He’s super cute. He can sing his ass off (and definitely has one of my favorite speaking voices). People see us out together often and some have told us that they assume that we’ve had something going on at some point. Anyway, after hearing someone share their theory about us, I told it to him.
Me: “I told him, ‘He’s my brother. We would never mess around.'”
My Friend: “Correction, you are like a sister. You are not my sister, though. Under the right conditions, you could still get it.”
When I shared that exchange with another male friend of mine, he basically cosigned on the sentiment: “Shellie, I have never approached you like that because I really respect you. I want to be good for you for the rest of our lives.” (That reminds me: check out, “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” when you get a chance.)
Then I went to one more guy homie and ran both statements by him: “Girl, yeah. If I didn’t want to keep you in my life long-term, I would’ve tried to holla a long time ago!” And he and I have been friends for almost 20 years at this point. When did he get around to telling me this? Eh, maybe two years ago. LOL.
So, my takeaway from all of these “for real?!” exchanges is, even though men and women can be just friends, there is a certain level of intention, self-control, and ability to see into the future (on some level) that must go into account — because, just because something more-than-friends-like may not have gone down, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a “dormant seed” lying around somewhere…whether it’s one-sided or on both sides of the friendship dynamic.
As you can see, I just provided you with three instances where the male friends in my life, we’ve had nothing sexual or even physically intimate beyond a hug when we greet each other in nature — although things aren’t exactly platonic if there is some sort of attraction or sexual/romantic curiosity that simply never got explored. Because again, according to Plato, a platonic relationship is free from all of that kind of…tension — or possibilities. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
And now you probably get why I entitled this article in the way that I did…right? I mean, just think about it — out of your male friendships, where is there NO sensual desire or dormant romantic interest…on your side and/or on his? If you’re not sure about “his”…have you ever asked him? Or them? Because again, once I really let the definition of platonic sink in, I think maybe two guys in my life totally fit the bill.
This brings me to my next point.
Are You Platonic? Or Are You Friend-Zoning?Giphy
Now that you know that probably 70 percent of the people you know (both online and off) have been using the true meaning of platonic all the way wrong, let’s go about deeper: when it comes to your friendships with men, are they genuinely platonic or…is it more like you’re friend-zoning them?
A few years ago, I penned an article on the topic entitled, “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.” If you’re skimming this on your lunch break, I’ll summarize friend-zoning as knowing that a guy has so-much-more-than-platonic feelings for you yet because you basically want to keep the benefits of the friendship or even his emotions around, you will string him along on some level.
Personally, I can’t stand friend-zoning. I think it’s selfish, with some sprinkles of manipulation and wasting someone’s time. Don’t agree? How would you feel if a guy was friend-zoning you? (Yeah…exactly.)
This all needs to go on record because, knowing that a guy wants to “take it there” with you (whether sexually or romantically), you not full-on addressing it and/or giving him just enough hope to take you out, listen to all of your stories about other men and give you the attention that you need knowing that he doesn’t have a shot in hell — that is NOT a platonic friendship and honestly, you’re not being a good friend at all. Friends protect each other’s hearts, not abuse them.
A platonic friendship means that you both have no interest in each other and, as Plato put it, while you may have a strong and solid bond, it’s spiritual love that connects you. And what exactly does that mean? Spiritual love also deserves its own article yet the gist would be that you recognize there is a purpose in your friendship yet it’s about wanting what’s best for one another and even helping each other to get there.
For instance, a platonic friend of yours may know that you desire to be married one day, so he has no problem setting you up with a good guy in his life. And if things go well, he would have no problem standing up as your own best man (without feeling like he’s dying inside) because he never saw you beyond anything but a friend. A guy in the friend zone doesn’t move like this; he likes you too much to help you move on with someone else. See the difference?
Why Relationships Should Start Off As NON-PLATONIC FriendshipsGiphy
Before I end this with some tips on how to properly care for the few platonic friendships you may actually have, since the use of the word may require a bit of mental reprogramming, I do think we should also address that if you’ve got a good guy in your life, who right now is a friend and either you’ve never thought of him in that way or the topic has never come up — he’s someone that you may not want to brush off.
What I mean by that is, it’s one thing for there to be absolutely no interest in someone vs. never considering it before — and the reason why you might want to give it some thought is because, ask any healthy married couple who’s been together for more than five years and I’ll bet you my next rent check that they will say that the best relationships are birthed out of friendship (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”).
Yeah, just because you’ve filed someone in the “I see him as a good guy” category, that doesn’t automatically mean that y’all’s friendship is platonic. For instance, I have a male friend who is fine and I adore on many levels yet the reason why it would never work on my end is because there are certain relational standards that I have that he does not meet. However, don’t get it twisted — I’ve considered him because, on so many levels, we “fit.” So, the mere fact that I ever seriously thought about him on that level means that we are “good friends” yet it’s not exactly platonic.
I’m not free of potential sensual desire…I just choose not to act on it. Yet because I get the value of having friendship as the foundation for my own future marriage (should life play out that way), I am wise enough to know that I would’ve been a fool to not at least…ponder him and the possibilities.
So yeah, if there is a male friend in your life that the thought of dating or having sex with him doesn’t make you want to throw up in your mouth, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s not a classic platonic dynamic — and you might want to consider if it could/should go to the next level — if not immediately, eventually. Because there’s a pretty good chance that if you are thinking that way, he probably is as well.
Protect Your Genuine Platonic Friendship(s) At All CostsGiphy
Let me end this with how one of my platonic friendships rolls. We both think that the other is attractive yet neither of us is attracted. We both give each other opposite-sex insights. We both have said that the mere thought of dating each other makes our noses turn up like there’s an odor in the air. And even when I try to imagine us together, my mind goes blank. I love, love, LOVE this man — oh, but it is absolutely nothing more than platonic — and he feels the same way. It’s as close to familial love without being blood relationships. It’s a rare dynamic and that is what makes it so special. There is definitely a spiritual type of love there; no more, no less.
If you’ve got someone in your life who you feel the same way about (again, it’s got to be mutual; he must feel that way too), you’ve got a gem of a situation going on because there is nothing like having the kind of friendship where you and a guy can hang out, exchange perspectives and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company, knowing that’s all it is and will ever be. Things will never get weird. No one’s feelings are gonna get hurt (from the whole friend-zoning thing). You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can just be.
And that’s why I’m all for platonic friendships. And listen, if you’re blessed enough to have even one in your lifetime, be fiercely protective of it. Don’t take it for granted. Nurture it in a way that your male friend needs (because it probably won’t be the exact same as your female friendships). Y’all, platonic friendships are so bomb because, if it’s honored and protected correctly, it’s the one male friend that you can probably keep for life because even your romantic partner will not find it to be a (true) threat — hell, they honestly could probably end up becoming (some level of) friends with your platonic homie as well.
I hope that I broke this all down enough to where, when you decide to use a word to describe your opposite-sex friendships, perhaps you will pause and ask yourself, “Wait, is this a platonic friend or a good or close friend?” Because the clearer you are on the differences, the easier it will be to know how to maintain your friendship — and feel about your friend. Feel me? Cool.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images