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Thinking About Going Condom-Free? Read This Before You Do.
A couple of weekends ago, I caught up with some friends from back in the day. Because most of the people in my world know that I write about sex and relationships a lot, it never fails that the topic of sex is gonna come up in some shape, form, or fashion. And while my threshold is actually pretty high when it comes to how graphic things can get (check out “Working For A Porn Ministry Got Me Over Watching Porn”), if there’s one thing that will definitely get me going (and not in the way that you think), it’s when people talk about engaging in casual sex…without a condom.
For those of you that that doesn’t apply to, it might surprise you how many folks actually get down that way. How many exactly? Reportedly, only one-third of men and one-fourth of women consistently use rubbers, and hell, some research says that as much as 42 percent of men don’t use them from start to finish (SMDH) — which, in some ways, can defeat the point of having one on at all.
And why does all of this irk me so much? For one thing, I used to be a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit organization, and almost every time one of my “daughters” (which is what I called them) would tell me how they got pregnant, “Liking it raw” (or their boyfriend preferring it that way) would always come up in the conversation.
Listen, back in the day, I had PLENTY of unprotected sex (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners” and “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), so by no means am I saying that I don’t get where the mindset comes from. I’ve been there. I’m just saying that it literally took blood, sweat, tears, and a long bout of abstinence to get free from the psyche that unprotected sex requires way more forethought, discussion, and serious consideration than a lot of people are choosing to do these days.
So, here’s my contribution — my “beauty for ashes,” so to speak. If, for whatever reason, you’re contemplating going without a condom in this season, please consider all of what is said here, share it with your potential partner, and have a long and serious conversation. ‘Cause, if I can spare you a lot of what I went through (because I couldn’t find an article like this one) — I most certainly will.
Let’s Recap What Condoms Are Designed to Do
I’m pretty sure that you took some sort of sex education in school (right?), so it’s not like you don’t know what I’m about to say on some level. However, when you sit and ponder the fact that nearly half of the pregnancies within this country are unplanned (the United States is about the highest one to have this finding, by the way) and that of the 20 different types of STIs/STDs that exist, 1 in 5 Americans currently have one — yes, it’s critically important that we revisit what condoms are created to do.
That said, another word for condom is prophylactic, and it literally means “a course of action intended to prevent disease”. Well, since condoms arethe only (current) form of birth control that can prevent pregnancyand STIs/STDs, yes, it’s important to take them very seriously — they can literally keep you from the life-altering experience of having a pregnancy you don’t want or aren’t prepared for, and they can prevent infections of which some have a cure while others (currently) do not. So, aside from the only 100 percent surefire way to avoid either of these things (which would be abstinence), the next best method is going to be a condom; no wiggle room.
And that alone should make you have at least one box of them in your house…somewhere.
Yet let’s keep going.
Yes, Fluid Bonding Is a Very Real Thing
I’m not gonna go too deep on this, yet it really does floor (and slightly trigger) me whenever I hear people say that sex is nothing more than a physical experience. Do you really think that something that can totally alter your life — hell, something that helps to create life — is nothing more than a physical release?
How is that even remotely possible when there are plenty of articles out in cyberspace that say things like sex can light up different parts of your brain, relieve depression, improve your memory, literally put you into a trance, and, thanks (or sometimes “no thanks” — LOL) bond you to someone, just from the help of the oxytocin boost that comes with it alone? And don’t even get me on what sperm can do (in a good way — check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm”). I promise you, science couldn’t care less if you think that sex is inconsequential. It knows otherwise — and when you decide to not use condoms, fluid bonding is something that definitely comes into play.
If you’re not exactly familiar with the term, fluid bonding is what happens when people have “barrier-less sex.” To be honest with you, even if you just kiss or participate in oral sex without intercourse, by definition, some fluid bonding has taken place. Yet ain’t nobody is out here getting pregnant from kissing or giving (or getting) head (you can get an STI/STD from oral sex, though…please don’t forget that) — that comes solely from sexual intercourse.
So, why is fluid bonding an intentional act for people? It’s convenient. It can make sex feel more pleasurable (especially for the guy). It’s a way to connect with someone with “nothing in the way” (so to speak). Ideally, when you’re married or in a very serious long-term commitment, it’s the ideal kind of sex to have because you and your partner are fully sharing yourself with one another on a physical level; it cultivates an uncanny and somewhat indescribable experience.
In my opinion, fluid bonding is a beautiful and sacred kind of thing — a thing that shouldn’t be taken lightly or casually by any stretch of the imagination because, while it can make you feel as close as you physically can with someone else if you and your partner are not on very solid footing, the backend of the experience could be potentially devastating.
This brings me to my next point.
What Is the Integrity Level of Your Partner?
Not too long ago, someone asked me in an interview about what I thought was the greatest cause of breakdowns in (romantic) relationships. The very first thing that came out of my mouth was “a lack of integrity.” The way people will make commitments and just break them…make promises, and not keep them…assure people one day that they are “in it” and then emotionally rationalize their way out of it the next. It takes character to have integrity. A lot of people simply lack in that area.
And just what is integrity? Dictionaries define it as being “adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.” Some signs that you have integrity include doing what you say you’re going to do, taking responsibility for your actions, being empathetic, putting the needs of others first (within reason, of course), and having humility.
Okay, so keeping all of this in mind, when it comes to the person you’re considering having “raw sex” with, are they a beacon of integrity? And let me just say this — if you haven’t known them for very long, there’s no way that you can quickly say “yes.” Integrity is something that has to be evaluated after going through some things with an individual.
You’ve got to be able to provide instances of when they followed through on their word, owned up when they did something wrong, and when they chose to put you first. If instances of these actions do not immediately come to mind, you most certainly should wait before you take the risk (on some level, unprotected sex is almost always a risk) of participating in an act that could totally alter your life…if you’re not careful.
Yeah, integrity has to be highly prioritized when it comes to having sex without a condom. No debates here. Not a one.
Even If He’s Had a Vasectomy, Keep This in Mind…
Speaking of risks, what if your partner has had a vasectomy? Off the rip, let me just tell you that I’ve been in this working with married couples thing for quite some time now, and you’d be surprised how much infidelity can go up for some once a man has been “snipped.” Amazing how, even though a vasectomy can prevent pregnancy, folks will be out here, literally all willy-nilly and acting like it can stop a sexually transmitted infection or disease. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Not only that but although it is rare, something known as recanalization (the process of restoring flow to or reuniting an interrupted channel of a bodily tube such as a blood vessel or vas deferens) can happen up to seven years after a vasectomy has taken place. So, you know what that means, right? Yes, there is a slight possibility that your partner can still get you pregnant, even if he has gone “under the knife.”
How much of a chance? From what I’ve checked out, it’s somewhere around 1-2 pregnancies per 1,000 within the first year of a man having the procedure done; after five years, it goes to between 2-10 per 1,000. So, while vasectomies are one of the best things going as far as avoiding pregnancies are concerned, there is still a risk of conceiving — not to mention that vasectomies have NOTHING to do with preventing STIs/STDs. Just something else to take special note of.
Condom-Free Feels GREAT. Now What Else You Got?
There’s a married couple I know who are totally against going on the pill (or doing any form of birth control that deals with the wife putting significant amounts of hormones in her system). I’ve studied what the pill (and other kinds of birth control) can do and so, while I totally get where they are coming from, when they told me that they were using condoms, my immediate response was, “Y’all are married and having ‘college sex’? Whew-whee.” College sex is how I describe protected sex because, if there is EVER a time when you need to wrap up, it’s on a college campus, chile. Anyway, when the wife decided to tie and burn her tubes, you could see the pure joy on her husband’s face. After years of using rubbers, now he could go condom-free — and they both said that it made sex so much more enjoyable.
As a doula, it’s another message for another time how a lot of women say that they are able to “get bucker” after their tubes are tied, they have gone through menopause, or their man has gotten a vasectomy because, when you know you can’t get pregnant anymore (and you don’t want to), raw sex is nothing to worry about. Also, it’s not like women can’t tell the difference between not using a condom and using one (I recently read a LinkedIn article entitled, “Women Don’t Like How Condoms Feel Any More Than Men Do”).
Going without condoms can intensify the sensitivity of genital-to-genital contact, and it can sometimes make sex feel more comfortable (if rubbers are something that irritates you on some level), too.
Still, when you factor in the risks that come with not using a condom, if you’re thinking about going that route, Imma need you to have more reasons than “It feels better.” I’ve had unwanted pregnancies. I’ve had chlamydia before (and it was actually dormant in my system for a couple of years; a bout of mono and strep “activated” it).
Did the unprotected sex that led to all of that feel amazing? Sure. Was it worth all of the drama and trauma? ABSOLUTELY NOT. So, that’s the next thing to really sit in — what other reason, other than how it feels, is a good enough one to keep the condoms in your nightstand?
Going Condom-Less Doesn’t (Automatically or Necessarily) Make You “Special”
I promise you that I have absolutely no idea how I missed Black & Sexy TV’sChef Julian series when it originally aired. Oh, but I have enjoyed it since and refer to it often these days (Courtney Burrell is a cutie, and it’s been dope to see Javicia Leslie soar). That said, the reason why I’m bringing the show up in relation to this particular topic is because there’s an episode (here) where (count ‘em) three of Julian’s (played by Burrell) women got together because his ex, Mo (played by Leslie) wanted to know if she was the only one who he was having condomless sex with. Something that Wendy (played by Khalilah Joi) said definitely came back to mind as I was laying this article out: “She wanted to make sure she was special.”
Hmph. I used to fall for that line of thinking back in the day. My first? I don’t think we ever used a condom, and yet the number of women who I found out he was having sex with while we were together on the back end? Chile…CHILE. While I was out here thinking that us being unprotected meant that I too was “special,” really, he was the one benefitting because he knew that I was too deep in to even consider sleeping with someone else. That line of thinking led to my first pregnancy and abortion, a lot of heartache, and sometimes low-key paranoia about my health status.
Besides, when you really stop to think about it, the women he was wearing a condom with are probably who he cared more about if we’re gonna stop romanticizing the whole “special” thing. I say that because, while he was protecting himself, he was also protecting them — I was the one who was out here all vulnerable. So yeah, while I might have been “special” from the angle of “being set apart,” I wasn’t really special when it comes to him doing what some synonyms of the word are — doing what was “proper,” “appropriate” and treating me in an “extraordinary” way by going above and beyond to make sure that I would remain healthy and safe.
So sis, if a part of you is thinking about going without a condom because you think that it will make sex with your partner special — it can if you’ve already fully taken into account all of what I’ve already said. Beyond that, please don’t romanticize the word. Watch that episode that I linked and really give “being special” some serious thought and consideration. Thank me later.
Keep in Mind That Condom Quality Keeps Improving
Final point. If there are two things that have improved, considerably so, over time, it’s (period) pads and condoms. And although, in a perfect world, we’d all probably like to avoid both of them — in this world, we, in fact, need them.
When it comes to condoms, specifically, the internet has plenty of referrals for condoms that feel like your partner is barely wearing anything at all (like Men’s Health’s “The 15 Best Condoms for Pleasure, Tested by Sex Experts”). I’ve done my own unofficial interviewing on the topic, and one brand that keeps coming up is Kimono MicroThin Condoms. If you add to that an article that I penned for the platform a while back (check out “10 Ways To Make Using A Condom So Much More Pleasurable”), I’m pretty sure that you and your partner can find a rubber alternative that can be almost as good as using nothing at all. And you can have peace of mind by using it.
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Listen, you’re grown. You’re gonna do what you want to do. I just hope that the time that you put into reading all of this helped you to (further) see that going condom-free shouldn’t be a flippant decision. Please put some real thought into it — physically, emotionally, and relationally. If there was ever a time when the saying, “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” would most certainly apply, it would be when it comes to how you approach sex. Including when it comes to whether or not you’re gonna use a rubber.
Choose wisely. On the front end, please. You won’t regret it. Ever.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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