Does minimizing your "manhood" maximize your parenthood?
Peter Gunz's daughter, Whitney, recently had a chat with father Gunz on his constant baby making and asked him to cut it out- literally.
We all know how men feel about their *cough* ego. On a recent episode of Love and Hip Hop: New York, rapper Peter Gunz met with his eldest daughter for drinks and well...let's just say the conversation took a rather invasive turn.
According to Whitney, she feels that father Panky means well, but may not realize that it is physically and emotionally impossible to be there for all 10 of his kids (from six different women)- resulting in no one having the "Gunz," for much too long, since he is constantly roaming.
The conversation turned into an emotional one that literally left Peter sick to his stomach. Whitney asked her dad:
"You have such a good heart and I know you don't mean [to hurt people]. Maybe you have a problem where you can't be with one person. You're a really lovable guy, even I can't stay mad at you. But you have to make a decision though. You can't keep this going on, it's not fair. Have you considered a vasectomy?"
The look on Peter's face literally said it all:
Whitney went on to tell Peter that if he can't make the decision for himself, to consider making it for his loved ones:
"I feel like if you can't make a decision for you, for Tara or for Amina, you should make a different for your kids. And any woman should respect that."
Peter revealed later in the confessional that although his daughter's request for him to get a vasectomy made him feel ashamed and tearful, that Whitney may have had a point:
"Hearing my daughter say 'vasectomy' made me want to throw up. I gotta be honest with you, it made me feel like less of a man. But maybe she's right."
Yikes! This just brought a whole new meaning to cock-block.
For those who don't know, a "vasectomy" is the surgical cutting and sealing of part of each vas deferens (the tubes that carry a man's sperm from his testicles to the seminal vesicles). It's usually used as a means of sterilization.
Even Houston rapper Slim Thug spoke on the issue after willingly undergoing a vasectomy himself. Who could forget back in 2012 when a then 31-year-old Slim tweeted out, hashtags and all, "#NoNewKids #NoMoreBabyMamas" after his surgery, proudly boasting about having "ice packs on the balls" and all post-op. At the time, Slim was three kids deep with three different women, and expressed how he felt he was doing the biggest injustice to the kids by spreading his seeds all over.
"I don’t think it’s right, I don’t think it’s good to have a baby and not be with the father. That’s part of the biggest problem. My mother, she took care of me, but she was working seven days-a-week, 12 hours-a-day. That was a struggle, I seen how much she struggled and it was so hard coming up. I don’t even know who my daddy is. I don’t like that. I think a kid deserves both his parents. That’s why I think if you ain’t gonna be with somebody, you don’t need to have a kid with him. Even though I got three baby mamas…. it’s working out. But it ain’t right."
Slim also applied the same logic for such aggressive forms of birth control by expressing his support of abortions, if done "timely" enough:
“I think abortion is necessary on some occasions. People be against it, but people don’t deal with the real life situations some people deal with. I ain’t saying wait three or four months. If it’s immediate, it’s like birth control to me.”
Strong opinion, but he is speaking his truth. There may be some controversy behind Slim's logic, but no one can deny that his intentions are good, regardless if his logic may be faulty. It's similar to the same argument Peter, 47, gave wife Amina when he pleaded and convinced her to get an abortion for the sake of having too many kids already. Although she went through with it, she got pregnant again months afterwards.
(L) Tara Wallace Pregnancy Pic from Feb 2016 (R) Amina Pregnancy Pic from February 2016
It appears that one of the biggest flaws with Peter "loving them all," (even in his most recent situation with Amina and Tara and the five kids between them, Peter admits says he is guilty of "currently being in love with two women,") is that there aren't enough hours or time in the day to truly give anyone, from your kids to the women you are with. Even the richest dad can't place themselves in two-three-SIX places at once. And we're not even counting his children's children who would probably like to see their grandfather on occasion. Even worse is that aside from the kids' being left short, the women involved are also very hurt by Peter's actions, which we're sure doesn't make it easier to cope with co-parenting.
Just earlier this month when Peter stopped by The Breakfast Club, he was asked how the lesser-known mother of his children feel about his incessant need to procreate with different women, to which Gunz replied that they are less than proud to have him as a parent:
"Cthagod: Are your other baby mamas embarrassed you?Peter: Absolutely! I mean, they love me but, here is the thing, I can't go thru the mall, the movies or anything without people asking me for a picture. But on the internet, I'm the most hated person in the world. And my baby mothers, they look at what people are saying and they feed off that.The mother of my kids, if I said who they were or what they did, they'd kill me."
Ouch! Peter did, however, admit that he all of his children's mothers are well-to-do enough to provide for their child(ren) and not place him on child support, especially considering that he was barely getting by before the show.
Overall, watching Whitney plead with Peter to be "less of a man" in order to be more of a dad was tough. I recall once speaking to a friend who said he loves kid and prays to one day have six- but all from his wife. He admitted that he feels all children are a blessing but it would be a disservice to them to have them in different homes. At the end of day, even a stable household with a few kids is hard to maintain, hence "middle child syndrome," so imagine several homes with 10!
How did you feel about Whitney's conversation with her dad last night? Do you agree that having so many women and families can ruin the chances of even the nicest man being a good dad due to time and availability?
Watch the moment below:
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Know what this means to me? When it comes to the topic of relationships, we have to be careful about making gross generalizations. And, when it comes to long-term dynamics, a commitment-phobe can be a man or a woman. Most definitely so.
Back in the day, I wrote, “5 Reasons Why You KEEP Attracting Commitment-Phobes” for the platform, in hopes that as many women as possible could avoid investing their heart, time, energy, and body parts to men who run from commitments like they are the plague. However, if you read enough of my content, you know that when it comes to having healthy, happy, and thriving relationships, I believe that everyone can get it as far as personal accountability goes.
So today, let’s look at commitment issues from a different angle. Below, I’m going to share seven signs that you — or one of your girlfriends — could be a commitment-phobe whether you’re in denial or you’re seeking confirmation. I won’t lie; there might be a few “ouch” moments along the way, yet if it can help you to break the habit and get closer to your future man, I think it’ll ultimately be worth it.
1. Your Expectations Are Unrealistic As All Get Out
GiphyTwo people that set themselves up to be consistently disappointed are the ones who think you should never expect anything out of life and the ones who have expectations that are so unrealistic they are damn near unattainable. The first folks? They are typically coming from a place of protecting themselves from pain. That’s why they say that they subscribe to life mottos like, “If you never expect anything, you won’t ever be disappointed.” Lord. How dark is that? Expecting something is literally having something to look forward to, and if your life doesn’t consist of any of that, you’re going to find yourself leaning on the side of cynicism at best, and negativity at worst — and that is no way to live a satisfying life.
The second? Low-key, these types of individuals oftentimes fall into the commitment-phobe category because…just think about it: If your expectations are super unrealistic, you can always say that it’s not that you didn’t want a relationship, you simply did not find someone who checked off everything on that 10-page list of yours. SMDH. Yeah, commitment-phobes are good for meeting a really great guy and then ending the relationship after they find out that he makes $60K while they make $40K or not giving a guy a chance because he’s 5’10” when they are 5’5” (only 15 percent of men are 6’ or over, by the way).
It’s not really about having high standards; it’s about building up walls and calling them standards so that no one will catch on to what’s really going on with them.
2. You’re Constantly Moving the Bar
GiphyThe ever-moving goalpost; this is how a true commitment-phobe gets down. First, you want someone who is really nice — oh, but not too nice. Then you want someone who is romantic — oh, but not someone who comes off as clingy or needy because that seems “sassy” (I really need some of y’all to look that word up; I promise it doesn’t mean what social media implies that it does). First, your love language is quality time — yet he’s on the quiet side and so now it’s words of affirmation. No wonder guys find themselves frustrated; like Issa once told Molly on Insecure (the episode when Lawrence found out that Issa cheated on him with Daniel…that really was a great show), “You’re impossible to please” — and so, guys tap out…because they don’t know what else to do.
Commitment-phobes tend to be this way because a commitment requires them to stand firm on some things, and since the thought of that makes them uncomfortable, they’re constantly shifting their definition of what makes them happy and what will cause them to actually settle down with someone.
I like soccer. Whenever I watch it, I enjoy the focus and flexibility of the person trying to get the ball into the goal. They have to learn how to make that happen — and that requires real time, effort, and skill. At the same time, it’s ridiculous to blame them if the goal is always moving around; that would be the goal’s issue, not theirs. I hope you got where I was going with that little analogy.
3. Your Last Long-Term Relationship Was…Hell, When Was It?
GiphyWhen it comes to this particular point, I’m not speaking of those who have intentionally taken themselves out of the dating game. I’m talking about people who are out here actively dating (or actively doing…something…LOL), and it hasn’t led to anything even remotely serious or long-term. If this is the box that you can check when it comes to this article, why is that the case? Are you someone who doesn’t really like dates to go beyond the initial 1-3? Do you only see dating as a recreational activity? Does the thought of letting someone actually get to know more than the “top layers” of you make you feel emotionally claustrophobic?
Maybe it’s something deeper like your last real relationship was an absolute trainwreck, and the thought of getting into another frightens you, makes you want to throw up, or both. Maybe, like one of my clients once told me, you never saw a long-term commitment modeled to you while growing up, so the concept is completely foreign in your mind. Perhaps you’ve had so many bitter people in your life that you automatically equate a relationship with a headache.
Whatever the reason may be, if you’re in your 30s or older and it’s been years since you’ve had something solid, more times than not, that’s another sign of being a commitment-phobe. What I will say is, when it comes to this one, it’s a good idea to do some real pondering because your reason determines what approach you should take to change it (if you want to change it). Some folks need to date with more intention. Others need to go to therapy and do some healing. A ton of folks should take social media breaks and get some mentors who are happily married/committed.
Anyway, there’s no way that I could write an article like this and not bring up this point. If it struck a nerve, ask yourself…why that is the case.
4. Intimacy Is Only Surface Layer with/for You
GiphyWhere in the world does time go? I can’t believe that it was almost four years ago when I penned, “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?” for the platform. When I was discussing this very topic with a woman I know who can relate to the people who are featured in it, she was quick to admit that although she likes having as much sex as possible, she tries to avoid kissing at all costs because it’s “too intimate.” Lawd, this reminds me of yet another Insecure episode when Tiffany basically said to Issa (as all of the ladies were discussing giving head) that she found it wild that while Issa thought that putting a penis in her mouth was too intimate, putting a penis in her vagina…wasn’t (chile).
Expanding on Tiff’s point, a lot of commitment-phobes are just like this; only, they feel this way about their heart (and to a certain extent, their time)…not so much their mouth.
They don’t want to cuddle — it’s too intimate. They don’t want to spend the night — it’s too intimate. The minute that their sex partner wants to forego sex and talk, they feel insulted, rejected, wonder about his sexuality, and then use one of these as a reason to end the sexuationship. Or — and please really peep this one — they only really enjoy sex if they are tipsy or high. That’s because being not-fully-sober is also a type of wall; being sober means being totally present, and for a lot of commitment-phobes, that’s the last thing that they want to be.
Or it comes another way. Sex or not, there are certain topics that are totally off limits: childhood, past relationships, vulnerabilities, and fears. To them, they think that you are trying to get too close, and so they will either gaslight you into feeling like you are being nosy or invasive when the reality is they don’t like any genuine emotional familiarity; so, you can either chill and keep it fun and games or move on to someone else.
5. You Avoid Making Plans at All Costs
GiphyAlthough I mostly work with married couples, there are quite a few singles who also cross my path. And you know what? You’d be amazed how many of them are women who don’t like to be “locked in” to long-term plans. What I mean by that is, they will start dating a guy, and a good couple of months of steady communication and interaction in, he will ask if they want to take a trip over the summer or make plans for a particular holiday, and they will immediately take the “we’ll see” approach.
When I ask them if they see any red flags with ole’ boy, the answer is “no.” Then they come with some, “I just don’t want to feel pressured when I don’t know what the future will bring.” Girl, it’s not a marriage proposal; it’s a weekend at a resort, or he wants to not be overbilled for reservations on Valentine’s Day so…what’s really going on?
I’ll tell you: Commitment-phobes hate things like plans and schedules because that means they have to be held accountable and keep their word — and that’s two things that they are not very good at; no, not at all. The thing that’s wild about this particular point is, that if you asked their friends and family about it, they would tell you that they can totally relate to your frustration because they are just as unpredictable and fickle with them.
Yeah, that’s another interesting thing about commitment-phobes: sometimes the waters run deep; other times, they are just reckless with other people’s time because they haven’t had any real consequences for their negligence…yet. As they get older, that tends to change, though. Wisdom teaches their circle that wasting time on commitment-phobes is pretty damn foolish.
6. You Make Excuses for Pretty Much Everything
GiphyGeorge Washington Carver once said, “Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who have a habit of making excuses.” The interesting thing about excuses is why we all have a general concept of what the word means, peep an actual definition: “a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense”. Okay, so you know what this means, right? More times than not, if you’re trying to come up with an excuse about something, chances are, you did something wrong. And commitment-phobes? They are fluent in excuses-speak.
Excuses for why they disappointed you. Excuses for why they hurt your feelings. Excuses for why they "can’t" be (which really ends up being "won’t" in many instances) what you need in a relationship. Excuses for not returning calls, responding to texts, or breaking dates at the last minute. Excuses for why they just keep on making more excuses. As a direct result, as Mr. Washington so eloquently stated, it leads to failure — including in relationships. Because so long as all you do is make excuses, you don’t really focus on changing your behavior.
And when it comes to relationships, that just keeps you in the pattern of interactions with people who don’t ever really get around to going the distance.
7. Self-Sabotage Is Basically Your Middle Name
GiphyListen, I’m not saying that once you meet someone you really like, it can be a bit “scary” because…what if you go all in and it doesn’t work out? I get it. At the same time, though, it’s one thing to think that way — it’s another thing to become obsessed with that type of mindset to the point where you ruin everything all by yourself. That, my dear, is a form of self-sabotage, and it runs rampant when it comes to commitment-phobes.
So how can you know if self-sabotage is something you do indeed struggle with?
- You’re a poor communicator
- You make mountains out of molehills
- You’re dismissive of your partner’s needs
- You are emotionally erratic
- You’re entitled and/or ungrateful
- You nitpick at every little thing
- You gaslight — a lot
- You’re a serial dater
- You hate the idea of being sexually exclusive
- You keep finding a billion reasons to not settle down
Oh, there are more yet, as I wind this down, I think these 10 signs are enough to give you the overall gist. Bottom line with all of this is, a commitment is about devoting yourself to someone in both word and deed. And the actions above? They hinder that from being a true possibility, especially long-term.
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Was this the most comfortable article? Of course not. It wasn’t meant to be. What I can assure you is if you commit to taking it seriously, you can break free from being a commitment-phobe and learn to embrace what it looks and feels like to be truly and fully committed to someone…as they do the same thing to/for/with you. Amen? Selah.
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Featured image by Layla Bird/Getty Images
