If there’s one thing that none of us can avoid (because we’re technically doing it right at this second), it’s aging. When it comes to longevity and having time to accomplish more things, that’s a blessing. The flip side to this coin is a lot of things that we took for granted in our 20s, we have to become proactive about continuing in our 30s, 40s, and beyond — one of those things is taking really good care of our skin and hair so that we don’t end up looking older than we are…or should. Because as much as I know, we like to say that “Black doesn’t crack,” having more melanin doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that things like our diet can’t still jack us up.
How is that? The reality is, with every year that blow candles out on our birthday cake, we lose nutrients. Along with that, an uptick in oxidative stress transpires. The combination of both of these things can lead to not only our organs aging but us aging on the outside, too.
One way to prevent this from happening is to spend less time in drive-thrus (processed foods actually age our cells). Another is to take a vitamin supplement that is high in vitamins A, B12, and C, calcium, fiber, iron, and protein (since these are the nutrients that aging bodies reportedly need most). Still, another is to check out the following 12 foods — ones that are good for you on a myriad of levels and ones that can keep your skin and hair at a place where people will constantly be asking you if you’re 5-10 years younger than you actually are.
1. Papaya
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If you want to get a good source of vitamin C into your system on a daily basis, without taking a supplement, snack on some papaya; it’s got well over 100 percent of that nutrient in it, along with a solid amount of antioxidants, fiber, vitamin C, folate and potassium. That’s probably why it’s been linked to being highly beneficial as it relates to strengthening your heart, improving digestion, and fighting bodily inflammation. Also, if you’re looking for a fruit that can help to keep prostate cancer at bay for your bae, this fruit will help to take care of that as well as give both of you an immunity boost at the same time.
As far as your skin goes, between the vitamin C and organic compound lycopene that papaya contains, your skin will experience fewer free radicals that can lead to fine lines and wrinkles. Papaya also has properties that can help to deeply moisturize your skin and clear up the kind of hyperpigmentation that is oftentimes associated with getting older.
2. Blueberries
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If being regular is a struggle for you, blueberries are a sweet way to change that. The reason why is it contains over three grams of fiber per serving. It’s also the type of berry that has vitamin C, K, and manganese in it. Your body will also adore this fruit because it’s able to do everything from regulate your blood sugar levels and keep your eyesight in good shape to protect your muscles from experiencing extensive damage while you work out and keep your blood pressure right where it needs to be. Something else that’s awesome about blueberries is they’re good for maintaining your memory and cognitive function (two things we all care about as we get older).
When it comes to fighting signs of aging on the external tip, blueberries are great at fighting against damaging UV rays and other skin pollutants. Not only that, but blueberries improve blood circulation to your skin. They can give the collagen levels in your system a much-needed boost, and some studies say that they help with naturally treating eczema and psoriasis, too.
3. Turmeric
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Something that I’ve personally been getting more and more into is golden milk (check out “Why You Really Should Be Drinking Golden Milk”). Why is that relevant to this article? Because one of the main ingredients in it is turmeric. Turmeric is a spice that, when it contains the compound known as curcumin, can help to fight inflammation, soothe symptoms that are related to arthritis, reduce exercise-induced muscle discomfort, decrease anxiety and depression, speed up the healing process of respiratory infections, and even help to treat certain types of allergies.
Since dark circles underneath the eyes can oftentimes come with getting older, turmeric is effective in that department because it contains properties that can naturally help to brighten up your skin.
4. Black Rice
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Some backstory on black rice: it’s rice that used to only be consumed by wealthy folks; for everyone else, it was “forbidden.” Chile, that reason alone should make you want to run out and get some as soon as possible (elitist be damned)! Anyway, black rice (which is also known as purple rice) gets its color from anthocyanin; it’s a pigment that has a ton of antioxidants in it — so, we can start there when it comes to why black rice is so good for you.
As far as the antioxidants are concerned, they are the kind that are anti-inflammatory, antioxidant, and anticancer, all of which are highly beneficial. People who are looking to lose weight in a gluten-free way will appreciate this kind of rice. It’s also another food that’s good for maintaining your vision.
Black rice also contains iron, and iron not only helps to keep your skin healthy, but it also can help to prevent hair loss as you get older, those are two solid reasons why it made this particular anti-aging list.
5. Tomatoes
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Tomatoes are a fruit that has a good amount of fiber, folate, calcium, magnesium, vitamin C, and plant compounds in them. If you want to keep your heart in good shape and cancer at bay while also fighting the early signs of dementia, adding them to your diet is a really smart move.
Something else that tomatoes have in them is what’s known as chlorogenic acid. Since it helps your body to produce collagen and collagen can definitely help to slow down the appearance of aging, if you want your hair, skin, and nails to look bright and youthful, cutting some tomatoes into your salad tonight is, without question, a very smart decision.
6. Honey
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You know what one of my favorite facts about honey is? It’s one of the very few foods that never goes bad. Not ever. The reason why is because it's hygroscopic which means it has barely any moisture or bacteria in it, so it’s incapable of expiring. Pretty cool, right? And what a sweet food it is, literally; one that is high in antioxidants and has potent anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, and antidiabetic properties. One that, believe it or not, helps with stabilizing your blood sugar levels. One that helps to suppress coughing (especially in young children). One that supports your gut, serves as an all-natural antidepressant and can even help you to shed a few pounds. One that can also improve your quality of sleep.
Dermatologists sing the praises of honey because it not only is a great spot treatment for breakouts and a proven way to treat skin conditions like psoriasis, but also deeply moisturizes and removes dead skin cells — it’s a way to keep your skin looking young and radiant without applying chemicals that come with a lot of popular commercial brands.
(A few years back, I actually wrote several beauty benefits that come with manuka honey. Check out “Manuka Honey Is The Ultimate Beauty Find” when you’ve got a sec.)
7. Almonds
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Next to cashews, almonds are probably my favorite kind of nut. If you’re a vegetarian or vegan, you can get a ton of protein from these bad boys. They’re a good source of vitamin E as well. A lot of people who work out snack on almonds because of their ability to build muscle fibers. Almonds are also dope because they can protect against cell damage, raise your good cholesterol levels, lower your blood pressure, and get some prebiotics into your system.
As I was doing some reading and research on how almonds are helpful as it specifically relates to slowing down the appearance of aging, an organization called the Almond Board of California shared that new research has revealed that almonds have the ability to smooth out the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles while also improving your skin tone over time. The more you know, the more you freakin’ know.
8. Extra Virgin Olive Oil
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At the end of the day, extra virgin olive oil is the kind of olive oil that is the least processed; this means that you can get the most nutrients out of it. And what that means is, if you’re someone who likes to cook with it, you can feel confident about the fact that you are being proactive about preventing heart disease and strokes, reducing your type 2 diabetes risk, and treating rheumatoid arthritis. Extra virgin olive oil also has a lot of antibacterial properties in it too.
Since skin experts credit this type of oil with being a great hydrator, fighting against any environmental damage, and also slowing down premature aging (due to the vitamins A, D, K, and E that it has), the more extra virgin olive oil that you consume, the better.
9. Fatty Fish
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If there’s one food that I think I could eat, almost on a daily basis, it’s salmon. It’s quick to fix. It’s pretty filling. And I like the taste. And I definitely feel good about eating it since I know that salmon is a huge source of potassium while also containing a good amount of protein, omega-3 fatty acids, selenium, antioxidants, vitamin D (which a lot of us could stand to get more into our bodies) and even some vitamin B12. Other fatty fish like swordfish, tuna, trout, anchovies, and Atlantic mackerel also have similar nutrients in them that can assist with cognitive development, helping to heal asthma in young children, protecting your memory abilities, and reducing the chances of being diagnosed with breast cancer.
As far as aging goes, many fatty fish have a compound in them called astaxanthin. Science says that it aids in preventing wrinkles, adding elasticity to your skin, and preventing cell damage to your skin — all things that can make you look older faster.
10. Basil
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Basil is a member of the mint family and, as someone who really likes to cook, I enjoy it because it makes for some hellified pesto. Aside from that, it helps to reduce oxidative stress, regulate your blood sugar, prevent respiratory and urinary infections, reduce the effects of memory loss, increase mental alertness, keep your arteries open — and a host of other things. Yeah, basil really is that one. In fact, if you’re pregnant and battling morning sickness, basil also has a reputation for treating nausea and vomiting. Plus, it can boost your immunity, protect your liver, and reduce your stress levels.
If one of the things that you are trying to avoid about aging or you’re currently experiencing is premature graying, basil is also an all-natural treatment for that. Applied topically, some say that it can help to rejuvenate hair follicles to prevent thinning hair as well.
11. White Tea
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If you’ve ever wondered where white tea gets its name from, apparently, the Camellia sinensis plant that it comes from has small white hairs on it (hmm…). Anyway, it’s good for you because it has a lot of plant-based antioxidants in it; ones that can fight off free radicals, help you to lose weight, aid in preventing heart disease and cancer, and even give pushback to insulin resistance. Some other cool things about this kind of tea are it can help to strengthen your bones (which can become more fragile after menopause) and improve your cognitive function.
On the aging tip, teeth age (check out “Teeth Do Age. This Is What You Can Do About It.”) and, as I’ve already mentioned, hair has the potential to become thinner (which could be due to hormonal shifts and/or genetics). The properties of white tea can help to prevent both of these things from causing you to look older due to both of these factors.
12. Dark Chocolate
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How wonderful is dark chocolate? Check out “12 Ways Dark Chocolate Can Benefit Your Body From Head To Toe” and count the ways. As I wind this up, I’ll just add to the article by saying that the more your skin is protected from sun damage, the more that it has more blood flowing to it, and the less that it experiences stress, the better off it will be. Just make sure that the chocolate is not your favorite candy bar. Word on the street is, that in order to get all of what dark chocolate has to offer, you might want the kind of bar that is made up of no less than 75 percent cacao.
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And now that you know how to slow down the aging cycle, which foods are you gonna treat yourself to when you get off work? All of these? All delicious. All nutritious. All anti-aging. Enjoy, sis. Enjoy!
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2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
GIF by Kim's ConvenienceGiphyWhereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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