There are a billion-and-one things that fascinate me about sex and human nature. Today, I'm gonna take on something that's probably on my top 20 list—how couples feel about sex immediately following an argument. In the sessions that I have with husbands and wives, it's about a 50/50 split between the ones (usually the wives) who want to do anything in the world but have sex with their partner vs. those who are more turned on than ever after a disagreement.
When I ask the ones who aren't interested why that is the case, they usually say something along the lines of sex is a way to feel close to their partner and, after an argument, the last place they want to be is up under their spouse. But when I ask the couples who almost see arguing like an aphrodisiac, well, they say a lot of what I researched on the topic; stuff that I'm about to share with you in a just a sec.
If you and/or your partner are someone who finds sex following a fight—not a fight fight but a war of words—to be erotic AF and a part of you has always wondered why, here's what science has to say about the matter.
What Physically Makes Us Want to Have Sex After an Argument?
Your man sends you a text while you're at work that automatically rubs you the wrong way. You immediately respond. 15 minutes later, he hits you back with a two-word reply that only irritates you further. You call and he pushes you to voicemail, so you decide to handle it when you get home because now, he's got you all distracted and you need to complete the project that you're working on. He hits you up while you're in traffic, says something that triggers you and now it's on. You're both in a full-on argument. As ridiculous as you know that it is, you hang up while he's in mid-sentence. You're pissed. Lord knows you are. But there's also a part of you that can't get ripping his clothes off as soon as possible off of your mind. What's really going on?
Whenever we get angry, there are four (main) things that usually transpire. We get an adrenaline rush; our heart rate increases; interestingly enough, our cortisol (our natural stress hormone) levels decrease, and our testosterone levels elevate. Guess the other time when these same things happen? During sexual activity, including sexual arousal.
OK, so not to totally derail us from the matter at hand, but perhaps now it makes better sense why some murders (that are featured on shows like Fatal Attraction or Snapped) are considered to be "passion killings". People may love—or think that they love—their victim, they might wholeheartedly believe that their violence is an act of passion but really, it's rooted in anger. Not passion. Anger. But, if you only listen to what your body is telling you, it can be hard to tell the difference.
This is why make-up sex is cool, but it isn't something that should be solely relied on to handle an issue or fix a problem. Your horniness may be a normal physical reaction to the intensity of your situation, but if you're not careful, you could still be seething with anger once the orgasm is over and you have time to think some more about what made you so angry in the first place. This means you're not really at a place of resolve. And yeah, that's not good.
In fact, one clinical psychologist finds the whole get-it-on-after-an-argument pattern to be something that could potentially cause more harm than good. Here's why he says that.
Did You Know That Make-Up Sex Is Similar to a Hardcore Drug Addiction?
Several years back, HuffPost published an article with a pretty jarring title to it—"Make-Up Sex Is Like Cocaine Addiction, Says Clinical Psychologist". In it, the clinical psychologist goes on to share that because arguing doesn't make us feel good, we naturally want to find something to "flip the switch" to change things into a more positive direction. For a lot of us, the quickest and easiest way to do that is to have sex.
And just what does that have to do with snorting a line of coke? Well, in the Health article "8 Ways Sex Affects Your Brain", peep what the title of its second point is—"Sex Is Like a Drug". Something that point says is the intense pleasure that we feel due to sexual activity is, in part, because of the dopamine release that transpires. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter within our brain that "rewards" us with feel-good emotions. Other than sex, guess when else dopamine creeps up? When folks are high on some type of drug.
The article even went on to basically confirm what the clinical psychologist said. It shared that while the high from climaxing and the high from being on coke are not identical, they do trigger the same parts of the brain, resulting in similar effects (so does caffeine, nicotine and chocolate, by the way; just on a less intense level).
Y'all, I totally get this too because, back in my sexin' days, I had no problem admitting when I was a-dick-ted to someone. No matter how often they pissed me off, no matter how many Bat signals that seemed to flash over my bed to alert me that my relationship (or situationship) with them definitely had a shelf life, it seemed like the more upset with them I got, the more I wanted them and the better the sex would be. Now I know why.
Is Sex After an Argument Automatically a Bad Thing?
With all of this info now in your psyche, you might be wondering if the whole sex-after-an-argument move is a bad—or even toxic—one. If I had to give a firm "yes" or "no", I'd go with no. But if I was able to immediately follow that up with a sentence, I would also say, "Just make sure that it's not a cycle or a way to avoid actually dealing with the reason why you and yours were fighting in the first place." Especially if you are married or are planning to get married.
The reason why I say that is because, while sex is hands down one of the best ways to connect with your partner, let's be real—animals have sex and it's not for the purpose of "emotionally connecting". Folks engage sex workers and they're not trying to get closer to them either. So no, to automatically assume that sex is what will bring you and your partner together, every time, on a mental, emotional and spiritual level, is a really big assumption.
One that could end up being a great disillusion; especially if you're doing it right after a disagreement. The only way to really be sure that it's all good between the two of you is to talk things out; to not get so used to the high-then-relaxed feeling that sex brings that you ignore the underlying issues at hand.
If you ignore this lil' heads up, you could look up, two or even 10 years from now, and end up calling it quits anyway. Why? Because while the sex may still be good, you're also still arguing about the same stuff that you've always been.
I don't know about you, but I think the greatest takeaway for me is that our bodies shouldn't be trusted to solely dictate how we respond or react to our partner, even if our bodies are aroused by them. So, the next time your man gets under your skin or a full-on argument goes down and you feel like it's totally turning you on, take a few steps back to see if it's horniness or anger that you're actually feeling. And, since sex is a lot like a drug, "sober up" a little before doing anything, one way or another.
Passionate sex is hot. But sex in anger can really ride a fine line between erotic and toxic. Make sure to keep that in mind, the next time you're about to partake in sex immediately following an argument, OK? Cool.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight.
The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship
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RELATED
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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