November is going to be a month that sheds light on the things lurking underneath the surface of all of our lives. With Scorpio Season remaining in effect for much of the month until the 21st, trust that your inner investigative nature is likely to make an appearance!
This will be an introspective and transformational period where many of us will be focused on growing and healing. The period surrounding the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th in particular is ideal for shadow work or to engage in reflective and meditative practices like crystal healing, reiki, yoga or taking spiritual baths.
A Full Moon partial lunar eclipse will take place on November 19th in the sign of Taurus. Look out for urgent revelations and sudden conclusions relating to the balancing of your needs and the desires of those close to you.
Here's what you can expect for your sign in November:
Aries
AriesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleSince Scorpio season began on October 23rd, you may have found yourself paying increased attention to matters related to sex, death, inheritance, or investments. Experiences and people related to this, or to all things taboo and hidden under the surface, have been highlighted for your awareness and reflection for the majority of this month. Adding to the intensity that this month will bring for you is the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th, illuminating a transformational area of your chart. Expect positive new experiences and beginnings with a lover, or financially. They are likely to positively transform your perspective and approach to life.
The following day, Venus will light up the area in your chart ruling your profession. Your money-making abilities are likely to be boosted for a full four months until this cycle ends in early March 2022. Secure that bag, Aries! Use this opportunity to ask for a raise, or to otherwise make upward moves in your career! Later in the month on November 19th, someone, something, or a situation that has been getting in the way of you feeling like your best self is likely to eclipse out of your life. Or you may decide to take steps toward ending a toxic relationship or leaving an unhealthy environment in the three days preceding and following the 19th.
It is likely to be an emotional time for you so take a moment to reflect and recharge. Whoever or whatever exits your life at this time wasn't meant to remain for the long haul. After the heavy energy and experiences during the week of the 19th, you may feel like getting away when the Sun enters your house of travel, expansion, and exploration on the 21st. Embrace the bolder and more daring energy that's entering your life now while you have a chance! When the Sun leaves Sagittarius and enters Capricorn at the end of December, it will be time to put your career hat back on.
Taurus
TaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe sun has been illuminating the area in your chart ruling partnerships and marriage since late October. Are you thinking about taking things to the next level with your significant other? Or are you reflecting on whether or not you should call it quits? New relationships (or a fresh start in an existing relationship) are likely to occur on or around November 4th, when the New Moon in Scorpio breathes new life into your serious partnerships. The following day, on November 5th, Venus enters your 9th house adding a sense of beauty, good fortune, and enhancement to the area of your chart ruling travel, expansion, bold moves, and new experiences. You are going to enjoy this period, which will last for four months until early March. Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone Taurus!
Whatever bold moves you make now are likely to work in your favor. Use this period to expand your horizons.
Learn something new or explore a new locale. The full moon taking place on November 19th will feature a partial lunar eclipse. This period will be one of self-awareness and self-actualization for you. You may have been in the dark when it comes to an aspect of yourself that hasn't been serving your relationships or higher self. You are likely to have a slight epiphany about something you have been in denial about or that was kept hidden from you. When the sun enters Sagittarius and your 8th house on the 21st, you will notice an energy shift on a focus towards sex and investments.
Sex will take on a healing and deeply transformational slant during this period, a perfect phase for exploring sexual healing modalities like tantric sex, tantric self-pleasure, or something more intense like BDSM. That would be an excellent phase to work on balancing your root chakra.
Gemini
GeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe Sun has been illuminating your 6th house since late October, emphasizing your focus on health, work, and daily habits. Your focus on these areas will likely continue until the Sun enters Sagittarius and your 7th house on the 21st when your attention will shift to how you can contribute your newly revitalized self to the improvement of your close relationships. Strengthening your focus on this area will be the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th. The period surrounding the 5th of the month is an ideal time to begin a new daily habit that will benefit your health or your work. Can you squeeze in a quick HIIT workout between Zoom meetings? What about a walking meditation during your lunch break? Have you been curious about starting a Keto diet? Now is a great opportunity to embark on a new beginning as it relates to your health and exercise habits.
You may even find yourself making a new connection with a coworker as your mind shifts to adding more structure to your work, your diet, and your health. The highlight of November for you will take place on or around November 5th when Venus shines beams onto your 8th house of sex, investments, and other people's money for a full FOUR months. Don't be surprised if you receive a sudden unexpected windfall, or if you embark on a journey of sexual healing that transforms you on a mental, emotional, and physical level.
At the end of the month on November 19th, a partial lunar eclipse will take place in the area of your chart that rules hidden enemies and your subconscious mind. Pay attention to any insights you receive from your intuition or gut feelings during this period of time, especially as they relate to frenemies. When Sagittarius season begins on the 21st, carve out some time to strengthen your bond with your significant other or business partner.
Cancer
CancerLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe Sun has been lighting up your 5th house of fun, flirtation, creativity, and recreation since Scorpio season started on October 23rd. Enjoy three more weeks of good times, enhanced artistic abilities, and increased opportunities for flirting! Lean into this by tapping into your inner child. You know how the saying about all work and no play goes! Take this time to have fun before the Sun enters your house of well-being and work on the 21st, at which time you'll find yourself having to take on more of a structured approach to life. The New Moon taking place on November 5th will further illuminate this area of your chart; you may pick up a new hobby, create something, or lock down a cutie for cuffing season!
This is an ideal time for working on your sacral chakra or carrying orange and yellow crystals.
The most exciting news for you this month is an extended visit from Venus to your seventh house of long-term relationships, marriage, and business partnerships - and she's bringing blessings and positive vibes with her! Expect a boost of good fortune when it comes to your relationships. What starts out as a fun flirtation early this month may end up standing the test of time over the next several months. Are you already in a serious relationship? Don't be surprised if things reach a higher level of intimacy over the next four months.
At the end of the month on November 19th, a partial lunar eclipse takes place in the area of your chart ruling your social circle. Take it that there's something you didn't previously know about someone in your friend group. You may receive an epiphany and this may be an emotional time for you. Whatever realizations you make now are unlikely to be fully revealed or resolved until the Taurus solar eclipse in April 2022. Tread cautiously and take time for yourself!
Leo
LeoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleIt's time to get your house in order Leo! Prepare for a month that focuses on foundations of all kinds, especially as they pertain to your home, your job, your health, and your family. The New Moon taking place on the 5th will emphasize your focus on family and living arrangements. Are you moving to a new place in the three days immediately preceding and following this new moon? Do you plan on taking on a caregiving role soon for a friend or loved one? Getting a new roommate? Welcoming a new member to the family?
Rest assured that you have blessings on your side. Now is an ideal time to rearrange your home or to invest in some decor that will breathe fresh life into your crib. Your new living or family arrangements are likely to be beneficial or to otherwise work out in your favor. Venus will shine lucky beams into all endeavors relating to your health, daily habits, and work for the next four months, beginning on November 5th! Have you been thinking about picking up a new workout routine or diet? Now is the time to start - you are likely to receive impressive results from it that will be evident by the time this cycle ends in March 2022.
Despite all of the positive vibes from the Sun and Venus, keep an eye out for a partial lunar eclipse taking place in the area ruling your career. Take it that you may be in the dark as it relates to something going on at work or in your professional field. Whatever it is is unlikely to be revealed until April 2022.
Virgo
VirgoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleExpect to spend more time with your siblings this month, Virgo. Whether it's in person or virtually, this month's focus will be on your communication with siblings, neighbors, your use of (and purchasing of) technology, and short local trips. This is a favorable time for short road trips or purchasing new gadgets. The great news for the month is when Venus lights up the area in your chart ruling friendships, fun, and creative endeavors.
Use this period of time to focus on picking up new hobbies, tapping into your creative side, or embracing your fun, flirtatious side.
Better yet, combine the two! Sign up for a few art or dance classes. Online dating will also be especially fruitful during this phase. On the 19th, a full moon partial lunar eclipse will take place in your house of expansion. Are you itching to make bold new moves, or to set up travel plans? Take your time, and make sure you cross your t's and dot your i's before booking that flight. Lunar eclipses conceal. Take it that you may be in the dark about something you were looking forward to boldly embarking on.
When the Sun enters Sagittarius and your 4th house on the 21st, your focus will naturally shift to matters relating to your family, your foundation, and your home. Use that time to take care of any loose cracks in your house or in your family relationships before they get out of hand!
Libra
LibraLaci Jordan for xoNecoleNovember will shed new light on your sense of self-worth and more tangibly, your financial worth. You are likely to find yourself re-evaluating the yardsticks and other people to which you compare yourself and your successes. This is the perfect time to embark on new activities and experiences geared toward boosting your self-esteem, finances, and sense of worth. This is especially true with the New Moon in Scorpio illuminating this area of your chart on the 5th of the month. Any new jobs, side hustles, or self-esteem boosting endeavors are favored during the three days preceding and three days following this phase.
The highlight of the month for you will be when Venus lights up your 4th house of family, home, and real estate. Expect good fortune and blessings as it relates to those areas and for the entire four months that Venus will remain in that area of your chart. Keep your eye on a partial lunar eclipse taking place in your 8th house of sex, transformation, death, and other people's money. Lunar eclipses conceal, and with this partial lunar eclipse occurring in your area of things lurking underneath the surface, take it that you are in the dark about something related to your investments and sex life. Whatever it is won't be revealed until April 2022, so be sure to vet any potential sexual partners or investment opportunities with a fine-tooth comb.
Sagittarius season arrives on the 21st, shining beams on the area of your chart ruling siblings, technology, short-distance travel, and neighbors. You are likely to purchase and/or receive gadgets for Christmas and to spend increased quality time with your siblings and neighbors. These experiences will be especially meaningful and beneficial for you during this time. Short distance travel is emphasized this month through to December 21st for you specifically.
Of all the signs, you are among those most likely to be embarking on an above-average amount of short-distance travel for the holidays so buckle up!
Scorpio
ScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecoleNow's your time to shine, Scorpio! You are likely to receive increased attention now through to the end of the month when the Sun enters your second house of value and self-worth. This is particularly true on the 4th when the New Moon in Scorpio lights up your first house of self - you are likely to receive a level of recognition for something you've been diligently working behind the scenes on. Take credit where it's due Scorpio - you deserve it!
A special treat for you will begin on the 5th of the month when Venus enters the area of your chart ruling your relationship with siblings, neighbors, technology, and short-distance travel. Venus will remain here for four months during which you are likely to see a boost in these areas of your life. Whether you plan on speaking at a conference, starting a blog, establishing a social media presence, or diving into online dating, expect increased communication during this phase - it will work to your benefit financially and/or romantically!
Be wary, however, of a partial lunar eclipse occurring in your house of partnerships and marriage. You may be in the dark about an issue as it relates to your spouse or business partner. Whatever it is will come to light during April 2022's solar eclipse, so hold tight!
Sagittarius
SagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleWhat has your intuition been trying to tell you for the past week or so, Sagittarius? Whatever gut feelings you have been experiencing since the 23rd of October are likely to continue through to the end of this month. Pay close attention to them, because whatever messages you receive during this period of time are likely to be extremely valuable for you. This is particularly true during the period surrounding the New Moon on the 4th and the partial lunar eclipse on the 19th.
New Moons are a period of new revelations and experiences whereas Full Moons are a period of culmination and conclusions.
Don't be surprised if a hunch you have around the 4th is confirmed during the period surrounding the Full Moon in Scorpio taking place on the 19th. But don't boldly act on your hunches yet, Sag! Lunar eclipses conceal - whatever hunches you receive may only be partially true, with the rest to be revealed on or around late April 2022. The best news of the month for you? Venus enters your house of finances, self-esteem, self-worth, and beauty.
The period between now and March 2022 will be a literal glow-up for you! Tap into this energy by investing in your finances, your appearance, and in building any skills that will boost how valuable you are in the workspace and from a romantic perspective. All the introspective work that you do now will feed the highlight of the year for you which will be your birthday phase beginning on the 21st.
Do the inner work now, during the first three weeks of the month, so that your outer self can begin to shine when Sag season begins at the end of the month!
Capricorn
CapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecoleSure, you're the boss chick of the zodiac. But you don't need to keep your work hat on all the time, Capricorn! As the hardest working sign in the zodiac, I am personally giving you permission to shift your focus from your career into your social life. Believe it or not, investing in yourself socially will not only boost your friendships but can also have beneficial effects on your career and overall health. Don't neglect that opportunity this month, Cap!
This is especially true during the period surrounding the New Moon in Scorpio taking place on November 4th. You may embark on a new friendship that will prove extremely valuable to you. This will become especially apparent six months from now during the Full Moon in Scorpio taking place in April 2022. The highlight of the month for you will take place on the 5th when November enters your first house of self and appearance. Venus will remain there for the next four months.
You are likely to find yourself focused on your physical appearance and the way in which you present yourself to others. Both will be enhanced and will become more refined and attractive! Expect increased attention during this period; people will take notice of you and are likely to respond to you favorably. Invest in a new wardrobe, schedule cosmetic treatments, or take a public speaking course to ensure you are presenting yourself in a way that accurately reflects who you are.
A partial lunar eclipse is taking place in your house of children, creativity, fun, and recreational sex. Lunar eclipses conceal. If you're a parent, pay close attention to your children. If you're single and mingling, make sure you thoroughly vet a potential lover before meeting up in person or having sex. If something is hidden now, it is not likely to be fully revealed until April 2022.
Aquarius
AquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleYou've been on a journey of expansion and knowledge-building, Aquarius! Now's the time to apply all that you've learned and experienced to your profession. The New Moon in Scorpio taking place on the 4th is likely to provide an opportunity to enhance your career. If you are interviewing, applying for, or starting a new gig in the days preceding and following this new moon, your endeavors are likely to go well. Venus enters your house of introspection and intuition on the 19th and will remain here for the next four months. Looking for love? It will come, as long as you do the inner work first! Take moon ritual baths, get reiki, focus on your yoga practice, and/or meditate regularly.
When you shift your focus to the love of self, you will attract love from others without even realizing it.
The period between now and March 2022 is ideal for engaging in shadow work. Dig deep into who you are - flaws and all. Acknowledge and accept all aspects of yourself, even the parts you may be ashamed of or in denial about. You are not perfect, but you are worthy of love. And you can't love another until you love yourself first. This period is intended to remind you of that.
Keep an eye on a partial lunar eclipse taking place in the area ruling your family and home. You may be partially in the dark about something relating to your family, home, or real estate. Hold off on making any major decisions, like purchasing a home or selecting a new roommate, during the week of the 19th.
Pisces
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGo big or go home this month Pisces! November offers a rare opportunity to live boldly as the Sun and the New Moon in Scorpio lights up the area of your chart ruling travel, expansion, knowledge, and enlightenment. You may find that the travel bug bites you really hard this month with you biting the bullet and booking that vacay you've been putting off all year. Not in a position to travel? You are likely to find opportunities to expand your horizons within the confines of your neighborhood, whether it's through visits to museums or signing up for some courses.
If you choose to expand your awareness in some way this month Pisces, don't be surprised if you find your social circle expanding as a result! Venus is entering your house of friendships on the 19th where it will remain for a full four months. Enjoy a larger social circle and newfound popularity through to March 2022! Have you been experiencing any issues with your neighbors, siblings, or with technology? Don't aim to make any major or permanent decisions relating to those during the three days leading up to and following the lunar eclipse taking place on the 19th. Take time and watch how you communicate with your siblings and neighbors during this time.
Lunar eclipses conceal. Whatever is hidden relating to those things is unlikely to be fully resolved until April 2022. Overall, this will be an expansive month for you, Pisces! The knowledge and connections that you make from your new experiences over the next several weeks are likely to create a confident new you that could potentially aid your career growth during Sagittarius season and beyond.
For more about zodiac signs, horoscopes, and astrology, check out xoNecole's Horoscopes section here.
Featured image by Laci Jordan/xoNecole
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Being a bridesmaid. In some ways, I don’t know if there’s a tighter line to walk than being happy for a friend who has found her bae for life while you’re trying to figure out if and when your own time will come.
Well, since June, September and October (which are all steadily on their way) continue to be the most popular months for jumping the broom — if you are a lot like Corina (Javicia’s character in the movie) and you’re wondering if you’re gonna be purchasing bridesmaids dresses for others without a wedding gown for yourself for the rest of your life, here are a few things that I certainly hope you will keep in mind — things that I hope will cause you to see being a bridesmaid in the best light possible.
1. Bridesmaids Are “Marriage Cheerleaders.” That’s a Dope Thing.
GiphyIf you’re in a relationship that looks like it’s headed towards marriage, please check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry.'” As a marriage life coach, a marriage registry is actually something that I recommend engaged couples to have because it’s all about cultivating a support team for various areas of your marriage — and y’all, that’s basically what bridesmaids are. They’re not just a group of women who look cute in a dress at a wedding; they are individuals who have agreed to stand by a bride’s side as she shifts into becoming a wife.
Hmph. Don’t get me started on why, when it comes to selecting bridesmaids, it really shouldn’t be about your history with them so much as the relationship that they have with you and your soon-to-be husband in the present because, if they can’t have your marriage’s back, they really should be in the audience (if they are there at all).
For now, in order to stay on topic, I’ll just say that the best way to look at the role of a bridesmaid is to compare them to a cheerleader. Cheerleaders are individuals who are there to encourage teams in an enthusiastic and optimistic kind of way. And honestly, when someone you care about asks you to serve in this capacity on their wedding day, it’s an honor because they trust that you are happy for them, that you are in agreement with their decision and that you will keep them inspired and motivated well beyond the day that they say, “I do.”
And people who are in this type of head and heart space for someone else? How could good karma not come their way? Because when you know how to be thrilled for other people’s blessings, the universe finds a way of rewarding you for your selflessness.
Let’s keep going.
2. Weddings Ain’t Marriages. Marriages Ain’t Weddings. A Bride and Wife Are Not (Exactly) the Same.
GiphyHow many times have I said, somewhere, that while big expensive weddings ain’t personally my thing, if that’s what folks want to do, I certainly ain’t gonna knock it because, once the wedding day is over, that’s when the real work — which I prefer to see as maintenance (check out “Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.”) — truly begins. Sadly, when it comes to this, some folks don’t have a clue.
Whew, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a woman that a bride is a bride for a day — a wife, though? That’s a whole ‘nother set of responsibilities entirely (which I will elaborate on in just a sec).
My point here? If you’re someone who has a collection of bridesmaid dresses in your closet and the question, “When is it going to be my turn?” is getting louder and louder in your head with every ceremony that you participate in — remember that what you are witnessing is an elaborate party that deserves to be a little over the top. After all, it’s a celebration of the decision that two people made to spend the rest of their lives together.
At the same time, though, never forget that the wedding day itself only lasts for a few hours and, once the festivities are over and they come back from their honeymoon, real life sets in. This means that what you need to really ask yourself is 1) are you caught up in the hype of the wedding, and 2) have you really thought about what is required to make a marriage work — and last. Because chile, although (and thankfully) most of the wives in my space do not regret getting married (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”), what easily 80 percent of them have told me is that they seriously underestimated what the day-to-day of marriage entails.
To further drive this point home, I actually asked five wives to share with me what they think is the difference between being a bride and being a wife.
Wife #1:“It’s selfish to think that your wedding day should be all about you and not your groom — but let’s be real: guys don’t really care about that stuff, and so a lot of the focus is on you, as the bride. If you think that’s what marriage is about, it can make you entitled and selfish. Then, when it’s all over and it’s time to be a wife, you will think that you still should be served all of the time without doing much work. You have to do daily work — every day of your life.”
Wife #2:“If I could do it over, I would have cut back on the wedding planner and put more money into longer premarital counseling because two one-hour sessions ain’t gonna cut it. Brides are hyper-focused on one day without really thinking about what follows. You need some therapy to get your mind right, because when I tell you that marriage will throw you all the way off if you’re not prepared? You have no idea.”
Wife #3:“I have single friends who say that they think they are missing out because they aren’t married. I love my husband and wouldn’t change a thing, but single people are crazy to think that there aren’t some perks to being single. Don’t let that big dress and diamond fool you. If you’re a good wife, you’ve earned them and you will have days and nights when you miss not being single anymore.”
Wife #4:“Being a bride is a fantasy. Being a wife is reality. I don’t have a better way to put it because who dresses up, gets gifts, and dances every single day? As a wife, what you do do every day is compromise, negotiate, and get challenged to become a better person. If you’re not ready for that, keep hanging out on rooftop bars with your single friends. I’m dead serious.”
Wife #5:“A bride is someone who lets the world know that she wants to be a wife. A wife is someone who puts that intent into action. The thing about a bride is she’s that for one day, but a wife has to keep showing up every day of her life for the rest of her life. It’s rewarding, but it takes more out of you than people think. People who envy wedding days usually want the attention, not the commitment.”
This comes from people who have lived it. So yeah, if you’re someone who fantasizes of becoming a wife one day, make sure that you ask yourself if you’re merging bride and wife together without really thinking about the sacrifices that wives make — because, as you can see, there are many, chile.
3. Every Relational Status Has Pros…and Concessions
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard someone say that you shouldn’t get too invested in the relationship goals that you see on social media. The main reason why is because most IG posts show you the good times without also sharing the blood, sweat, and tears that were required to make those times possible. Hmph. Not to mention the fact that every single relational status has its own pros and extreme compromises — and when it comes to compromising, when you’re married, because two people are involved, that is definitely the case.
I mean, as a single person, just think about it — you can take a trip without running it by someone else; you can spend money without consulting another person; you can make both little and large decisions without seeing how someone else feels about it; you can move without worrying about how it will directly affect another individual; you don’t have to divide your personal time unless you absolutely want to; there aren’t people who you have to be around, simply to make another person happy, and you don’t have to “meet in the middle” when it comes to certain values, goals or even traditions.
Listen, back when I wrote articles like, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” I did it to remind as many people as I possibly can that as a marriage life coach, I will be the first to say that a healthy marriage is all kinds of awesome; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that being single ain’t super bomb too.
It’s all in how you choose to look at things. How are you?
4. Envy Is Love’s Enemy (Across the Board)
GiphyAlthough there’s no solid data on the percentage of bridesmaids who are jealous or envious of the bride on her big day, trust and believe that there is plenty of content out in cyberspace that addresses it. One forum that I checked out talked about a bride who had to deal with a bridesmaid who told her that she was jealous about not being selected to be the maid of honor.
An article featured the story of three friends (who honestly seemed low-key toxic prior to the wedding) who refused to be happy for the bride during her four-day wedding event. Another forum talked about a sister who was so consumed with wanting to be engaged that she was flippantly dismissive about her sister’s upcoming nuptials.
Ugh. Ugh to all of this because, although it’s understandable that you may want something that someone else has (we all do sometimes, if we’re gonna be completely real about it), one of the ugliest things about jealousy (the fear of losing what you have) and envy (being caught up in what someone else has) is they cause you to put all of the focus on you…even when it is completely the wrong place and wrong time to do so.
Since a single person doesn’t have a husband, what I am going to focus on (most) for this point is envy; especially since even the Good Book tells us that love doesn’t do that (I Corinthians 13:4).
Symptoms of being an envious person?
- You either don’t know how to or refuse to celebrate others
- You’re hypercritical of other people’s choices or decisions
- You spread false information in order to cause discord or confusion about other folks
- You give disingenuous or backhanded compliments
- You try to downplay the goodness and success of other people
All of this is pretty ugly, right? Hmph, no wonder the Bible says that envy can’t be present wherever love is. All of this actually reminds me of a quote that says something along the lines of “Envy is counting someone else’s blessings more than your own.” It also reminds me of a 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17) which tells us not to covet, which not only means “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others,” it also means “to wish for, especially eagerly.”
What’s a trip about coveting is that while it can mean that you want someone else’s groom (please don’t), it can also mean that you are so eager that you end up making reckless decisions, all because you envy what someone else has, in general. Listen, I’ve had a wife say to me before that the loneliest night in bed as a single woman beats a bad marriage any day. Again, as someone who has worked with married couples for well over 20 years at this point, I couldn’t agree more.
Don’t envy. It gets you absolutely nowhere…good.
5. Everyone’s Love Story Is Unique. Do Not Compare.
GiphyThere’s a Black-owned T-shirt and sweatshirt company called Lake + Prosper that features two tees that I think amplify my final point exquisitely well. One says, “My goal is to outdo me, not y’all,” and the other says, “own lane. own race. own pace.” At the end of the day, what both of these remind us all to do is not compare ourselves to others — this includes when it comes to our love story.
See, what else you’ve also got to keep in mind is when it comes to each person’s romantic relationship journey, there are SO MANY FACTORS that come into play — including timing. And timing is something that you really don’t have any control over (other than making sure that you do what you know needs to be done). And that’s why comparing the brides whose weddings you’ve been in to your own situation is, well, it reminds me of a quote on comparing by Iyanla Vanzant that I like a lot: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
She ain’t lyin’ either because many mental health experts are quick to say that comparing yourself to other people is not only counterproductive but basically futile because it evokes negativity, causes you to feel inadequate, can make you want to beat yourself up, triggers feelings of resentment and it can make you put unrealistic pressure and expectations on yourself.
And gee—how is that good for your relationship with your soon-to-be married friends, how does that improve your relationship with your own self and also, how does that prepare you for the relationship that you will have with the love of your life…when everything that is necessary aligns and says that the time is right? IT. DOESN’T.
In an article that I once read on comparing, the author said something that is oh so very right: “By comparing ourselves to others we’re negating our own road and demanding that the past be different than what it was. The demands we place on ourselves to be like those we’re comparing ourselves may sometimes be motivations for change, however they are more likely to lead to feelings of diminished self-worth.”
Bottom line, as tempting as it may be sometimes, comparing works against you, not for you. Choose to celebrate, not compare.
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Listen, being sick and tired of always being on the side of the bride instead of being beside your own groom can be human sometimes. I won’t take that away from you. Just make sure that you choose to keep certain facts in perspective: that just because it’s not your turn, that doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming; that negative feelings keep you further from what you desire, and that every person you care about who gets married before you deserves all of the love, encouragement and joy from you that they should reciprocate when your time comes. Stay positive. It’s good karma.
That said, instead of hating the thought of wearing another bridesmaid dress, determine to be fly as ever.
It’s one day closer to what you ultimately desire for yourself.
And a reminder that it can happen.
When and how it should.
Amen? Amen.
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