Your December 2021 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Expansion
On December 4th, the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius will carry the energy of your typical New Moon - times 100. Fresh starts and new beginnings as they relate to the things that expand your consciousness are featured by this transit. Now is a great time to explore yoga, make long-distance travel plans, or check things off of your bucket list that will lead to a deeper and more fully rounded you.
The Full Moon in Gemini taking place on December 18th will bring closure to ongoing conversations. In astrology, the Full Moon is a period of reckoning, manifestation, and culmination. Gemini is a sign representing duality and communication. Expect any pending contracts and agreements to be completed at this time. On the following day, Venus will move into retrograde in Capricorn. Venus Retrograde is not a time to move forward or to begin anything new.
Instead, use this time to pause and reflect on your romantic relationships, beauty regimens that you may want to update in the near future, and the way you approach money! If you send or receive a “hey big head” text at this time don’t be surprised. You are likely to revisit - or to be revisited by ghosts of relationships past! Chiron turns direct for the first time since mid-July on December 19th. Any issues that you’ve been in denial about or sweeping under the rug will have to be dealt with now, no matter how painful or inconvenient.
On December 21st, the Sun enters Capricorn, shining a light on the way we collectively approach work, business, tradition, structure, and rules. On December 24th, Saturn in Aquarius forms its third and final square to Uranus in Taurus. Look back at what occurred in your life around the time of the first two squares that took place on February 17th and June 14th. They will clue you in to what you can expect during this month’s square.
Collectively, the events that this transit will create tension in our desire for freedom and our need for stability.
Jupiter will enter Pisces on the 28th, closing out 2021. This phase will usher us into an era that highlights the need for intuition, introspection, philanthropy, selflessness, sensitivity, and deep spirituality.
Here’s what you can expect for your zodiac sign in December.
Aries
AriesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleWelcome to a better and bolder you this month, Aries! The New Moon Total Solar Eclipse taking place on December 4th will highlight your 9th house of expansion, luck, and higher consciousness. Expect new beginnings as it relates to anything that will broaden your horizons intellectually and physically. You may finally begin planning that dream getaway, enroll in college courses, or begin exploring a new discipline like psychology or philosophy. The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th will bring closure to any ongoing negotiations or discussions that you may have been experiencing since mid-June. You may receive or upgrade a tech item or receive insights and closure as it relates to a matter dealing with your siblings or neighbors.
Chiron heads direct in your sign on the 19th for the first time since July. Unhealed wounds as it relates to how you look or are perceived by others may be triggered in the coming weeks. Acknowledge your insecurities now so that they can be released and healed permanently. Venus heads backward in Capricorn on the 19th of this month where it will remain until late January. During this time, any career progress that you’ve made since early November may begin to stall. Now is an excellent time to focus on your work, but don’t expect to receive accolades for your actions until Venus retrograde ends on January 29th.
On the 24th, Saturn in your 11th house of friendships will form a tense aspect with Uranus in your 2nd house of value and self-worth. Do you feel like a friend has been taking you for granted? Have you outgrown your friend group and feel that you no longer share the same interests or values? Have your relationships with your work colleagues been a little tense this year? Look back at the events that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year. They will clue you into what you can expect during this time.
Finally, on the 28th of the month, Jupiter enters your 12th house where it will remain for much of 2022. This marks the beginning of what will be an incredibly introspective 12 months for you. Take this time to reflect, and introspect. Begin a meditation, yoga, reiki or spiritual bath regimen that will serve you well for the remainder of this year into next year. Get ready for a deeper, more intuitive you, Aries!
Taurus
TaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThings are about to get pretty intense for you, Taurus! The New Moon Total Solar Eclipse taking place on the 4th of this month will illuminate your 8th house. Look out for new beginnings as it relates to sex, death, investments, and other people’s money. This month’s Full Moon takes place in Gemini on December 18th. Any matters relating to the things that you value, your sense of self-worth, and what makes you feel safe and secure, financially and otherwise, will reach a boiling point in order to be permanently resolved.
Chiron heads out of retrograde motion on the 19th, forcing you to address any deep subconscious wounds and unhealed trauma that you may have been negatively impacting your life and your relationships. This is an excellent time to engage in shadow work. Acknowledge and address the sides of yourself and any negative past experiences that you usually try to deny. Venus heads backward on the 19th in your 9th house. You are likely to find that new habits you’ve embarked on early last month will temporarily come to halt. Perhaps the pandemic is getting in the way of your upcoming college courses or travel plans.
Venus retrograde is not a time to embark on anything new. Instead, take a moment to reflect on when and how you’d like to go about expanding your physical and mental horizons.
On the 21st, the Sun enters Capricorn, lighting up the area ruling luck and expansion in your chart. Don’t shy away from pondering on any bold moves at the end of this month, Taurus, but don’t make them until after January 29th, otherwise, you are likely to experience inconvenient setbacks! Saturn will square Uranus for the last time this year on the 24th. Expect to experience tension in the way you present yourself publicly and your career reputation. Make your IG private, especially if you are interviewing. Now is not the time to assert your individuality at work. Be extra careful of keeping your social personality separate from your work persona now.
If you feel like your career path doesn’t really align with who you are as an individual, issues will be brought to the forefront for you to reflect and ponder on now. Look back to the events that took place during the Saturn-Uranus squares in February and June of this year for a sense of what you can expect during this time. You’re going to receive a preview of what will be a bustling year for you socially, Taurus! Expect your social connections and friendships to grow beginning on the 28th of this month into the majority of 2022. Cheers to a popular new you, Taurus!
Gemini
GeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecoleAre you looking to get booed up, Gemini? Love is likely to find you around the 4th of this month when the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse lights up the area in your chart dealing with long-term partners and relationships. Get ready to take romance to the next level! The Full Moon takes place in your sign on the 18th. Have you been contemplating a new look, persona, or how you choose to present yourself to the public? This is likely to be solidified now. Maybe you have finally decided to debut a new look or to refine your social media presence in some way. If so, the stars are on your side at this time.
Chiron heads direct on the 19th in your house of friendships. Any sensitive issues related to your social circle may crop up now. No matter how uncomfortable or painful, they will be brought to light in the coming weeks in order to be resolved. Venus goes retrograde on the 19th in your house of sex, death, and other people’s money. Don’t embark on any new investments now if you can help it, Gemini! Your sex life may take a backseat to more pressing issues between now and January 29th.
Take this time to properly vet any and all prospective sex partners so that you don’t experience any regrets later! Expect old lovers to come out of the woodwork now as well - if they do, enjoy it while it lasts. They are likely to head back out of the picture once Venus heads direct again. On the 21st, the Sun will light up this area of your chart as well, shuffling up any feelings of deep sexual desire. Get ready for the intensity to be dialed up, Gemini! December 24th ushers in the third and final Saturn-Uranus square, creating tension in your urge to make bold moves, and your desire to self-isolate and introspect.
Look to the events during the first two Saturn-Uranus squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year for clues as to what you can expect at the end of this month. On a positive note, Jupiter is going to bless you with career luck beginning on the 28th and into much of 2022. Expect bigger and better opportunities when it comes to your job. Promotions or a new, higher-paying job are in the cards for you over the next 12 months, Gemini!
Cancer
CancerLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to embark on a new health journey, Cancer! The New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius offers the perfect opportunity to start a fresh new diet or exercise regimen. The Full Moon on the 18th will illuminate your house of subconscious and hidden feelings. Trust your intuition and gut instincts now. Any hunches or revelations you experience at this time are likely to have deeper significance than you may initially realize.
Chiron goes direct on the 19th in the area of your chart ruling your career. Job insecurities are likely to crop up now and in the coming weeks. Venus goes retrograde on the same day which may temporarily stall any relationship progress as well. If so, don’t take it to heart. If you or your boo have seemed a bit distracted lately, give it space. Things will return to normal and will receive an extra boost to boot when Venus heads direct on January 29th.
The Sun will light up this same house two days later indicating that you will spend a lot of mental energy on your relationship. Even if you are forced to be temporarily apart or to hold off on taking things to the next level, your relationship will remain on your mind. But worry not! You will get creative in remaining connected. Single? Take this time to scratch up your Tinder profile. How can you make yourself a more desirable partner? Reflect on that during this period.
Saturn will form a tense aspect with Uranus for the third and final time this year, creating friction between your lover and a friend. Or perhaps there will be an issue with yourself and your friend’s lover. Does a friend owe you money? You may finally decide it’s time for them to come up out of those pockets! Whatever pops up now is the result of a deeper, ongoing issue that will need to be resolved at this time.
Jupiter enters your 9th house of expansion, giving you a double whammy of luck, boldness, and blessings as you expand your horizons and gain newfound courage to try bigger and better experiences than what you’ve been used to.
This is a sneak peek into what will be quite an adventurous 2022 for you, Cancer! Whether you decide to travel more, gain new experiences, or expand your knowledge in some way, you are likely to take a less conservative approach to life than you have previously. Get ready for a bold new you!
Leo
LeoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleAll work and no play make Leo a dull girl! This month will show you that more than ever. December 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will illuminate your house of dating, soulmates, sex, creativity, and fun. The three days leading up to and proceeding this New Moon is the perfect time to swipe right on Tinder and meet up with a new cutie - taking into account any and all safety precautions of course! Not on the market? Expect a boost in creativity, your artistry, or to give a new sex toy a fun whirl! Now’s the time to express yourself in a fun and authentic way, you’re certainly going to feel the urge and spark to!
The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th brings a culmination or epiphany to an issue related to a friend. Perhaps you find a solution to a problem your friend has been dealing with, or you decide to have a heart-to-heart in order to finally address the elephant in the room of a matter that has been affecting your friendship. Chiron heads direct for the first time since July on the 19th. Any wounds that you’ve experienced relating to religious upbringing and moral conditioning will be brought to a head now.
Venus goes retrograde the same day, slowing down the progress you’ve made on new health habits. Has your weight loss hit a plateau since early last month? Don’t lose hope. Keep at it. Progress will more than likely resume when Venus turns direct on the 29th of next month. The Sun will light up this same area of your chart two days later, giving you the extra boost to patiently deal with any health setbacks. December 24th brings the third and final Saturn-Uranus square, creating tension between your career and your long-term partner. Has work been getting in the way of time spent with your partner? Are you contemplating whether to relocate, with or without your boo?
Whatever issues came to a head during the first two squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year are likely to come up again for resolution and conclusion. On December 28th, Jupiter will begin its journey to expand your 8th house of sex, transformation, death, and other people’s money. Expect to reflect on matters relating to investments, inheritance, new lovers, and mortality beginning now and into much of next year. Sex that you experience over the next several months is likely to be intense and transformative. Get ready for a sexy new you this year and beyond, Leo!
Virgo
VirgoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleYour foundation and what you call home are about to shift, Virgo! Make room for new beginnings on the 4th as it relates to your family or living arrangement when the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse lights up that area in your chart. The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th will bring career matters to a culmination. Whether you finally receive well-deserved recognition, decide to make a career change, or decide that you actually aren’t happy with your career, you are likely to experience a sudden revelation when it comes to this area of your life.
The following day, Chiron heads direct in your house of sex, other people’s money, death, and investments. Any sensitive issues relating to the death of a loved one, your own mortality, the way you engage in sex, or anything else is likely to be exacerbated. This will feel uncomfortable and you will feel triggered, but these issues need to be addressed so that you can finally heal and move on from them.
Allow yourself to experience this pain so that you can release it and so that it doesn’t manifest in heartbreak, emotional turmoil, or ill health down the line. This is the crux of what shadow work is all about. Engage in it now.
Venus heads retrograde in your house of fun, sex, dating, creativity. You may notice a bit of a slow down in these areas of your life in comparison to the boost you received early last month up until now. Whatever setbacks you experience will resolve themselves by the time Venus turns direct on January 29th. Now is a time to study, reflect on and read up on all of the ways you’d like to enhance your creative expression. December 24th brings the third and final Saturn-Uranus square of the year, creating tension between your job and your daily habits. Are you feeling boxed in at work? Do you feel like your daily responsibilities are preventing you from living life to the fullest? Are you living to work instead of working to live?
This frustration is likely to come to a head for you now and you may find that you are not able to tolerate feeling so restricted by your job or lifestyle any longer. Look back to the events of the first two Saturn-Uranus squares (in mid-February and mid-June) for a sense of what’s to come! Get ready for a period of new love, partnerships, and serious relationships, Virgo! Jupiter enters your 7th house on December 28th and will bring relationship blessings now into much of next year. If you’ve been looking to take intimacy to the next level, now’s your chance, Virgo!
Libra
LibraLaci Jordan for xoNecoleDecember 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will light up your 3rd house of siblings, communication, technology, and short-distance travel. Your inclination to put the past in the past and to let bygones be bygones regarding any lingering sibling issues is likely. Expect to wrap up negotiations, contracts, or legal agreements now. On a fun note, you may also get a new gadget or decide to spruce up your social media presence around this time. Chiron heads direct on the 19th in your house of long-term relationships.
You may encounter a painful but healing discussion with your partner in the coming days and weeks. Whatever relationship issues you have been trying to sweep under the rug will come to the forefront. Address them now, as uncomfortable as it will be so that you can finally release and heal from them. Venus also heads retrograde from the 19th until January 29th. Now is not the ideal time to move, purchase a new home or make any major decisions as it relates to your living or family arrangements. Whatever new decisions you make now will experience delays and setbacks.
Instead, take this time to deeply reflect on any upcoming decisions that need to be made relating to your family and home so that you can hit the ground running and move forward when Venus heads direct late next month. Although you won’t necessarily be able to move forward on any plans, family, and home will be on the forefront of your mind as Sun enters this area of your chart on the 21st to remain until late January. You will be spending a lot of time and energy on looking for a new place, house hunting, family planning, deciding to expand your family, moving in with your boo, or splitting up altogether.
Saturn and Uranus form its third and final square, creating tension in the way you approach sex and relationships. Are you experiencing an unfulfilling sex life? You may decide that something needs to finally be done about it. Do you feel as if you have to suppress your individuality and your creative expression? Are you looking for opportunities to channel your artistry into your business or side hustle? The relationship between your sexual or creative expression and the way you use it to earn money will transform. Look back to the events of the first two Saturn-Uranus squares in mid-February and mid-June of this year for a hint of what’s to come.
Jupiter enters Pisces on the 28th to remain there for much of 2022, expanding the area in your chart relating to work and health habits. Any new diets, workout regimens, or health habits that you engage in now will positively affect your work and your overall health in a significant way. Here’s to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilled you, Libra!
Scorpio
ScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to dial up the fun and intensity, Scorpio! The December 4th New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius promises fresh new beginnings in financial opportunities and in the things that boost your self-esteem and make you feel valued and secure. The Full Moon in Gemini taking place on the 18th will bring a culmination point to your thoughts on mortality and the way you approach sex, other people’s money, and transformative experiences.
Chiron heads direct in Aries the following day. Any wounds or unresolved issues relating to your coworkers or your approach to eating, working out, or daily responsibilities will need to be addressed now. For example, if going to the gym has been a sore spot for you, or if you have an unhealthy relationship with food, you will be faced with and forced to address and reckon with these issues now, as uncomfortable as they may feel.
Venus heads retrograde on the same day, stalling any progress made in contracts, negotiations, or communication. Have you been investing in your social media presence? You may notice that your social media following growth is starting to slow down. Sun enters this house in two days further intensifying your focus on these matters. Take this time to plan out and revise how you approach these matters instead of embarking on anything new. Strengthen what you’ve already started early last month. Keep at it. Momentum will build back up when Venus goes direct on the 29th of next month.
On the 24th, Saturn forms a tense angle to Uranus, creating friction between your family and your partner. Look back to the events of mid-February and mid-June for a preview of what to expect during this time. When Jupiter enters your 5th house of dating, recreational sex, creative expression, and fun on the 28th, expect a flirtier new you that will carry you into much of 2022. Spruce up that Tinder profile now Scorpio, you’re in for a fun and fulfilling ride starting now and into the majority of next year!
Sagittarius
SagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleOn December 4th, a New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will light up your personality, persona and public image. This is an ideal time to debut a new look! The Full Moon in Gemini on December 18th will bring a relationship matter to a culmination. Whether you decide to take things to the next level with your boo or to split up altogether, the status of your relationship is likely to shift for better or for worse. Childhood wounds are highlighted the following day, on the 19th. Did you deal with trauma growing up that hasn’t been properly resolved? Expect to pay more attention to these matters in the coming weeks.
Seek counseling, begin journaling, or confide in a trusted person so that you can finally begin to heal any childhood experiences that are standing in the way of a healthy view of yourself or your healthy relationships and self-expression. On the same day, Venus heads backward in your 2nd house of finances, value, and self-esteem. Any progress you made in these areas since Venus first entered this area of your chart on November 5th is likely to slow down or stall for a bit.
Not all hope is lost Sagittarius! The Sun will enter this same area of your chart on the 21st. You will spend extra time and energy fine-tuning your finances and your relationships with the things that you value and that make you feel good about yourself. All the work that you do now and all the time spent here will not be in vain. You will enjoy the fruits of your labor in a month’s time when Venus heads direct again.
Saturn and Uranus will form its third and final square for the year on the 24th. Be mindful of your email, virtual and in-person communications with coworkers. You may not come across in the way that you intend and it can create more problems than it’s worth. Slow down before hitting send on that email and be extra tactful in the way you work through any workplace issues. Look back to the Saturn-Uranus squares of mid-February and mid-June for a hint at what’s to come so that you can properly handle it.
Capricorn
CapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecoleDecember 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will illuminate your 12th house of intuition and introspection. Use this time to meditate, reflect, journal, or simply spend time in solitude. Whatever insights, hunches, or gut feelings you receive during this time will be spot on. Tune in. The Full moon in Gemini on December 18th will find you deciding to finally move full steam ahead on that new diet or workout regimen that you’ve been considering. When Chiron heads direct the following day, wounds relating to your family and home will be brought up now in order to be addressed and resolved for good. As uncomfortable or painful as this experience may be, it’s necessary in order for you to pave the way for a healthier new beginning.
The same day, on the 19th, Venus will go retrograde on your sign. Have you been contemplating a new look, plastic surgery, getting botox or fillers, or new hair color? You’re going to want to hold off on those until Venus heads direct again on the 29th of next month. Otherwise, things may not go according to your vision and you are likely to experience serious regrets and setbacks! Ready for the spotlight? The Sun enters your sign on the 21st.
Although you won’t be able to move forward on making any new moves in the way that you appear or present yourself to others, you can still expect the spotlight to be on you in some form or fashion until late next month. Shine on Capricorn - just don’t do anything new for now! Saturn and Uranus will form their third and final square on the 24th of December, replicating themes experienced during the first two squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year.
How has your sex life (or lack thereof) been affecting your self-esteem? Do you feel like you are able to express who you are sexually and otherwise? Does your dating life feel stable? These are all matters you are going to be faced with during this time. Jupiter enters your 3rd house of communication on the 28th to remain there for the majority of next year. Get ready for your writing, social media presence, public speaking, and general communication opportunities to begin ramping up this year, Cap!
Aquarius
AquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to get more social, Aquarius! December 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius will breathe life into your friendships. The Full Moon on December 18th will illuminate your 5th house. Expect an epiphany regarding the way you approach dating, children, sex, recreation, and creative expression. Any insecurities relating to the way you communicate with others and your sibling relationships will come to a head for you when Chiron heads direct on the 19th.
When the Sun enters your 12th house of subconscious, reflection, and intuition two days later on the 21st, expect that you will want to spend more time alone, introspecting on your past and upcoming life decisions. Get in tune with yourself and your emotions by engaging in a solo yoga practice, meditation, or a spiritual bath regimen.
Saturn will form a tense angle to Uranus on the 24th, creating friction between yourself and your family. They may take issue with the way that you present yourself to the public, or you are likely to find yourself at odds with your family due to a strongly held belief. These issues will echo any incidents faced during the first two Saturn-Uranus squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June.
On a positive note, expect a boost in your finances and self-esteem when Jupiter enters your 2nd house of value and self-worth on the 28th to remain for much of next year. 2022 will be prime time for you to go after that bag, Aquarius!
Pisces
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to make boss moves, Pisces! December 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will light up the area of your chart that rules your career. Don’t be surprised if a new job opportunity, a promotion, or new responsibilities and roles crop up at work now! The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th will bring home and family matters to a head now for closure and resolution. When Chiron heads direct in your 2nd house on the 19th, wounds relating to your self-esteem will be brought to light so that you can come to terms with and finally heal them.
As uncomfortable as this will be, it will pave the way for a better, more confident, and self-assured you. Venus heads retrograde on the 19th and will remain that way until the 29th of next month. You are likely to experience challenges and setbacks in being able to physically spend time with your friends. Don’t worry! You’ll find creative ways to remain connected. Whether it’s through Zoom calls or social media status updates, you can rest assured that your circle will remain tight until it begins to grow again after Venus heads direct again in late January.
December 24th brings a tense square between Saturn and Uranus that will bring you strong gut feelings and spiritual downloads. Pay attention to any messages you receive on social media or via email at this time, they will clue you into information you may need to know at this time. On a positive note, Jupiter enters your sign at the end of the month - get ready to shine, Pisces! Jupiter is going to bestow you with blessings and luck. You will be viewed in an extremely positive light beginning now and for the majority of next year.
Expect to make excellent impressions with higher-ups at work. Engagement, marriage, a higher title, and a better living arrangement may also be in the cards for you. Please note that Jupiter expands, if you don’t want to gain weight, keep those celebratory treats to a minimum and plan to spend a lot more time in the gym this year! Either way, expect a major glow-up in 2022, Pisces!
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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