Your December 2021 Monthly Horoscopes Are All About Expansion
On December 4th, the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius will carry the energy of your typical New Moon - times 100. Fresh starts and new beginnings as they relate to the things that expand your consciousness are featured by this transit. Now is a great time to explore yoga, make long-distance travel plans, or check things off of your bucket list that will lead to a deeper and more fully rounded you.
The Full Moon in Gemini taking place on December 18th will bring closure to ongoing conversations. In astrology, the Full Moon is a period of reckoning, manifestation, and culmination. Gemini is a sign representing duality and communication. Expect any pending contracts and agreements to be completed at this time. On the following day, Venus will move into retrograde in Capricorn. Venus Retrograde is not a time to move forward or to begin anything new.
Instead, use this time to pause and reflect on your romantic relationships, beauty regimens that you may want to update in the near future, and the way you approach money! If you send or receive a “hey big head” text at this time don’t be surprised. You are likely to revisit - or to be revisited by ghosts of relationships past! Chiron turns direct for the first time since mid-July on December 19th. Any issues that you’ve been in denial about or sweeping under the rug will have to be dealt with now, no matter how painful or inconvenient.
On December 21st, the Sun enters Capricorn, shining a light on the way we collectively approach work, business, tradition, structure, and rules. On December 24th, Saturn in Aquarius forms its third and final square to Uranus in Taurus. Look back at what occurred in your life around the time of the first two squares that took place on February 17th and June 14th. They will clue you in to what you can expect during this month’s square.
Collectively, the events that this transit will create tension in our desire for freedom and our need for stability.
Jupiter will enter Pisces on the 28th, closing out 2021. This phase will usher us into an era that highlights the need for intuition, introspection, philanthropy, selflessness, sensitivity, and deep spirituality.
Here’s what you can expect for your zodiac sign in December.
Aries
AriesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleWelcome to a better and bolder you this month, Aries! The New Moon Total Solar Eclipse taking place on December 4th will highlight your 9th house of expansion, luck, and higher consciousness. Expect new beginnings as it relates to anything that will broaden your horizons intellectually and physically. You may finally begin planning that dream getaway, enroll in college courses, or begin exploring a new discipline like psychology or philosophy. The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th will bring closure to any ongoing negotiations or discussions that you may have been experiencing since mid-June. You may receive or upgrade a tech item or receive insights and closure as it relates to a matter dealing with your siblings or neighbors.
Chiron heads direct in your sign on the 19th for the first time since July. Unhealed wounds as it relates to how you look or are perceived by others may be triggered in the coming weeks. Acknowledge your insecurities now so that they can be released and healed permanently. Venus heads backward in Capricorn on the 19th of this month where it will remain until late January. During this time, any career progress that you’ve made since early November may begin to stall. Now is an excellent time to focus on your work, but don’t expect to receive accolades for your actions until Venus retrograde ends on January 29th.
On the 24th, Saturn in your 11th house of friendships will form a tense aspect with Uranus in your 2nd house of value and self-worth. Do you feel like a friend has been taking you for granted? Have you outgrown your friend group and feel that you no longer share the same interests or values? Have your relationships with your work colleagues been a little tense this year? Look back at the events that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year. They will clue you into what you can expect during this time.
Finally, on the 28th of the month, Jupiter enters your 12th house where it will remain for much of 2022. This marks the beginning of what will be an incredibly introspective 12 months for you. Take this time to reflect, and introspect. Begin a meditation, yoga, reiki or spiritual bath regimen that will serve you well for the remainder of this year into next year. Get ready for a deeper, more intuitive you, Aries!
Taurus
TaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThings are about to get pretty intense for you, Taurus! The New Moon Total Solar Eclipse taking place on the 4th of this month will illuminate your 8th house. Look out for new beginnings as it relates to sex, death, investments, and other people’s money. This month’s Full Moon takes place in Gemini on December 18th. Any matters relating to the things that you value, your sense of self-worth, and what makes you feel safe and secure, financially and otherwise, will reach a boiling point in order to be permanently resolved.
Chiron heads out of retrograde motion on the 19th, forcing you to address any deep subconscious wounds and unhealed trauma that you may have been negatively impacting your life and your relationships. This is an excellent time to engage in shadow work. Acknowledge and address the sides of yourself and any negative past experiences that you usually try to deny. Venus heads backward on the 19th in your 9th house. You are likely to find that new habits you’ve embarked on early last month will temporarily come to halt. Perhaps the pandemic is getting in the way of your upcoming college courses or travel plans.
Venus retrograde is not a time to embark on anything new. Instead, take a moment to reflect on when and how you’d like to go about expanding your physical and mental horizons.
On the 21st, the Sun enters Capricorn, lighting up the area ruling luck and expansion in your chart. Don’t shy away from pondering on any bold moves at the end of this month, Taurus, but don’t make them until after January 29th, otherwise, you are likely to experience inconvenient setbacks! Saturn will square Uranus for the last time this year on the 24th. Expect to experience tension in the way you present yourself publicly and your career reputation. Make your IG private, especially if you are interviewing. Now is not the time to assert your individuality at work. Be extra careful of keeping your social personality separate from your work persona now.
If you feel like your career path doesn’t really align with who you are as an individual, issues will be brought to the forefront for you to reflect and ponder on now. Look back to the events that took place during the Saturn-Uranus squares in February and June of this year for a sense of what you can expect during this time. You’re going to receive a preview of what will be a bustling year for you socially, Taurus! Expect your social connections and friendships to grow beginning on the 28th of this month into the majority of 2022. Cheers to a popular new you, Taurus!
Gemini
GeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecoleAre you looking to get booed up, Gemini? Love is likely to find you around the 4th of this month when the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse lights up the area in your chart dealing with long-term partners and relationships. Get ready to take romance to the next level! The Full Moon takes place in your sign on the 18th. Have you been contemplating a new look, persona, or how you choose to present yourself to the public? This is likely to be solidified now. Maybe you have finally decided to debut a new look or to refine your social media presence in some way. If so, the stars are on your side at this time.
Chiron heads direct on the 19th in your house of friendships. Any sensitive issues related to your social circle may crop up now. No matter how uncomfortable or painful, they will be brought to light in the coming weeks in order to be resolved. Venus goes retrograde on the 19th in your house of sex, death, and other people’s money. Don’t embark on any new investments now if you can help it, Gemini! Your sex life may take a backseat to more pressing issues between now and January 29th.
Take this time to properly vet any and all prospective sex partners so that you don’t experience any regrets later! Expect old lovers to come out of the woodwork now as well - if they do, enjoy it while it lasts. They are likely to head back out of the picture once Venus heads direct again. On the 21st, the Sun will light up this area of your chart as well, shuffling up any feelings of deep sexual desire. Get ready for the intensity to be dialed up, Gemini! December 24th ushers in the third and final Saturn-Uranus square, creating tension in your urge to make bold moves, and your desire to self-isolate and introspect.
Look to the events during the first two Saturn-Uranus squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year for clues as to what you can expect at the end of this month. On a positive note, Jupiter is going to bless you with career luck beginning on the 28th and into much of 2022. Expect bigger and better opportunities when it comes to your job. Promotions or a new, higher-paying job are in the cards for you over the next 12 months, Gemini!
Cancer
CancerLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to embark on a new health journey, Cancer! The New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius offers the perfect opportunity to start a fresh new diet or exercise regimen. The Full Moon on the 18th will illuminate your house of subconscious and hidden feelings. Trust your intuition and gut instincts now. Any hunches or revelations you experience at this time are likely to have deeper significance than you may initially realize.
Chiron goes direct on the 19th in the area of your chart ruling your career. Job insecurities are likely to crop up now and in the coming weeks. Venus goes retrograde on the same day which may temporarily stall any relationship progress as well. If so, don’t take it to heart. If you or your boo have seemed a bit distracted lately, give it space. Things will return to normal and will receive an extra boost to boot when Venus heads direct on January 29th.
The Sun will light up this same house two days later indicating that you will spend a lot of mental energy on your relationship. Even if you are forced to be temporarily apart or to hold off on taking things to the next level, your relationship will remain on your mind. But worry not! You will get creative in remaining connected. Single? Take this time to scratch up your Tinder profile. How can you make yourself a more desirable partner? Reflect on that during this period.
Saturn will form a tense aspect with Uranus for the third and final time this year, creating friction between your lover and a friend. Or perhaps there will be an issue with yourself and your friend’s lover. Does a friend owe you money? You may finally decide it’s time for them to come up out of those pockets! Whatever pops up now is the result of a deeper, ongoing issue that will need to be resolved at this time.
Jupiter enters your 9th house of expansion, giving you a double whammy of luck, boldness, and blessings as you expand your horizons and gain newfound courage to try bigger and better experiences than what you’ve been used to.
This is a sneak peek into what will be quite an adventurous 2022 for you, Cancer! Whether you decide to travel more, gain new experiences, or expand your knowledge in some way, you are likely to take a less conservative approach to life than you have previously. Get ready for a bold new you!
Leo
LeoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleAll work and no play make Leo a dull girl! This month will show you that more than ever. December 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will illuminate your house of dating, soulmates, sex, creativity, and fun. The three days leading up to and proceeding this New Moon is the perfect time to swipe right on Tinder and meet up with a new cutie - taking into account any and all safety precautions of course! Not on the market? Expect a boost in creativity, your artistry, or to give a new sex toy a fun whirl! Now’s the time to express yourself in a fun and authentic way, you’re certainly going to feel the urge and spark to!
The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th brings a culmination or epiphany to an issue related to a friend. Perhaps you find a solution to a problem your friend has been dealing with, or you decide to have a heart-to-heart in order to finally address the elephant in the room of a matter that has been affecting your friendship. Chiron heads direct for the first time since July on the 19th. Any wounds that you’ve experienced relating to religious upbringing and moral conditioning will be brought to a head now.
Venus goes retrograde the same day, slowing down the progress you’ve made on new health habits. Has your weight loss hit a plateau since early last month? Don’t lose hope. Keep at it. Progress will more than likely resume when Venus turns direct on the 29th of next month. The Sun will light up this same area of your chart two days later, giving you the extra boost to patiently deal with any health setbacks. December 24th brings the third and final Saturn-Uranus square, creating tension between your career and your long-term partner. Has work been getting in the way of time spent with your partner? Are you contemplating whether to relocate, with or without your boo?
Whatever issues came to a head during the first two squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year are likely to come up again for resolution and conclusion. On December 28th, Jupiter will begin its journey to expand your 8th house of sex, transformation, death, and other people’s money. Expect to reflect on matters relating to investments, inheritance, new lovers, and mortality beginning now and into much of next year. Sex that you experience over the next several months is likely to be intense and transformative. Get ready for a sexy new you this year and beyond, Leo!
Virgo
VirgoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleYour foundation and what you call home are about to shift, Virgo! Make room for new beginnings on the 4th as it relates to your family or living arrangement when the New Moon Total Solar Eclipse lights up that area in your chart. The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th will bring career matters to a culmination. Whether you finally receive well-deserved recognition, decide to make a career change, or decide that you actually aren’t happy with your career, you are likely to experience a sudden revelation when it comes to this area of your life.
The following day, Chiron heads direct in your house of sex, other people’s money, death, and investments. Any sensitive issues relating to the death of a loved one, your own mortality, the way you engage in sex, or anything else is likely to be exacerbated. This will feel uncomfortable and you will feel triggered, but these issues need to be addressed so that you can finally heal and move on from them.
Allow yourself to experience this pain so that you can release it and so that it doesn’t manifest in heartbreak, emotional turmoil, or ill health down the line. This is the crux of what shadow work is all about. Engage in it now.
Venus heads retrograde in your house of fun, sex, dating, creativity. You may notice a bit of a slow down in these areas of your life in comparison to the boost you received early last month up until now. Whatever setbacks you experience will resolve themselves by the time Venus turns direct on January 29th. Now is a time to study, reflect on and read up on all of the ways you’d like to enhance your creative expression. December 24th brings the third and final Saturn-Uranus square of the year, creating tension between your job and your daily habits. Are you feeling boxed in at work? Do you feel like your daily responsibilities are preventing you from living life to the fullest? Are you living to work instead of working to live?
This frustration is likely to come to a head for you now and you may find that you are not able to tolerate feeling so restricted by your job or lifestyle any longer. Look back to the events of the first two Saturn-Uranus squares (in mid-February and mid-June) for a sense of what’s to come! Get ready for a period of new love, partnerships, and serious relationships, Virgo! Jupiter enters your 7th house on December 28th and will bring relationship blessings now into much of next year. If you’ve been looking to take intimacy to the next level, now’s your chance, Virgo!
Libra
LibraLaci Jordan for xoNecoleDecember 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will light up your 3rd house of siblings, communication, technology, and short-distance travel. Your inclination to put the past in the past and to let bygones be bygones regarding any lingering sibling issues is likely. Expect to wrap up negotiations, contracts, or legal agreements now. On a fun note, you may also get a new gadget or decide to spruce up your social media presence around this time. Chiron heads direct on the 19th in your house of long-term relationships.
You may encounter a painful but healing discussion with your partner in the coming days and weeks. Whatever relationship issues you have been trying to sweep under the rug will come to the forefront. Address them now, as uncomfortable as it will be so that you can finally release and heal from them. Venus also heads retrograde from the 19th until January 29th. Now is not the ideal time to move, purchase a new home or make any major decisions as it relates to your living or family arrangements. Whatever new decisions you make now will experience delays and setbacks.
Instead, take this time to deeply reflect on any upcoming decisions that need to be made relating to your family and home so that you can hit the ground running and move forward when Venus heads direct late next month. Although you won’t necessarily be able to move forward on any plans, family, and home will be on the forefront of your mind as Sun enters this area of your chart on the 21st to remain until late January. You will be spending a lot of time and energy on looking for a new place, house hunting, family planning, deciding to expand your family, moving in with your boo, or splitting up altogether.
Saturn and Uranus form its third and final square, creating tension in the way you approach sex and relationships. Are you experiencing an unfulfilling sex life? You may decide that something needs to finally be done about it. Do you feel as if you have to suppress your individuality and your creative expression? Are you looking for opportunities to channel your artistry into your business or side hustle? The relationship between your sexual or creative expression and the way you use it to earn money will transform. Look back to the events of the first two Saturn-Uranus squares in mid-February and mid-June of this year for a hint of what’s to come.
Jupiter enters Pisces on the 28th to remain there for much of 2022, expanding the area in your chart relating to work and health habits. Any new diets, workout regimens, or health habits that you engage in now will positively affect your work and your overall health in a significant way. Here’s to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilled you, Libra!
Scorpio
ScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to dial up the fun and intensity, Scorpio! The December 4th New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius promises fresh new beginnings in financial opportunities and in the things that boost your self-esteem and make you feel valued and secure. The Full Moon in Gemini taking place on the 18th will bring a culmination point to your thoughts on mortality and the way you approach sex, other people’s money, and transformative experiences.
Chiron heads direct in Aries the following day. Any wounds or unresolved issues relating to your coworkers or your approach to eating, working out, or daily responsibilities will need to be addressed now. For example, if going to the gym has been a sore spot for you, or if you have an unhealthy relationship with food, you will be faced with and forced to address and reckon with these issues now, as uncomfortable as they may feel.
Venus heads retrograde on the same day, stalling any progress made in contracts, negotiations, or communication. Have you been investing in your social media presence? You may notice that your social media following growth is starting to slow down. Sun enters this house in two days further intensifying your focus on these matters. Take this time to plan out and revise how you approach these matters instead of embarking on anything new. Strengthen what you’ve already started early last month. Keep at it. Momentum will build back up when Venus goes direct on the 29th of next month.
On the 24th, Saturn forms a tense angle to Uranus, creating friction between your family and your partner. Look back to the events of mid-February and mid-June for a preview of what to expect during this time. When Jupiter enters your 5th house of dating, recreational sex, creative expression, and fun on the 28th, expect a flirtier new you that will carry you into much of 2022. Spruce up that Tinder profile now Scorpio, you’re in for a fun and fulfilling ride starting now and into the majority of next year!
Sagittarius
SagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleOn December 4th, a New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will light up your personality, persona and public image. This is an ideal time to debut a new look! The Full Moon in Gemini on December 18th will bring a relationship matter to a culmination. Whether you decide to take things to the next level with your boo or to split up altogether, the status of your relationship is likely to shift for better or for worse. Childhood wounds are highlighted the following day, on the 19th. Did you deal with trauma growing up that hasn’t been properly resolved? Expect to pay more attention to these matters in the coming weeks.
Seek counseling, begin journaling, or confide in a trusted person so that you can finally begin to heal any childhood experiences that are standing in the way of a healthy view of yourself or your healthy relationships and self-expression. On the same day, Venus heads backward in your 2nd house of finances, value, and self-esteem. Any progress you made in these areas since Venus first entered this area of your chart on November 5th is likely to slow down or stall for a bit.
Not all hope is lost Sagittarius! The Sun will enter this same area of your chart on the 21st. You will spend extra time and energy fine-tuning your finances and your relationships with the things that you value and that make you feel good about yourself. All the work that you do now and all the time spent here will not be in vain. You will enjoy the fruits of your labor in a month’s time when Venus heads direct again.
Saturn and Uranus will form its third and final square for the year on the 24th. Be mindful of your email, virtual and in-person communications with coworkers. You may not come across in the way that you intend and it can create more problems than it’s worth. Slow down before hitting send on that email and be extra tactful in the way you work through any workplace issues. Look back to the Saturn-Uranus squares of mid-February and mid-June for a hint at what’s to come so that you can properly handle it.
Capricorn
CapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecoleDecember 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will illuminate your 12th house of intuition and introspection. Use this time to meditate, reflect, journal, or simply spend time in solitude. Whatever insights, hunches, or gut feelings you receive during this time will be spot on. Tune in. The Full moon in Gemini on December 18th will find you deciding to finally move full steam ahead on that new diet or workout regimen that you’ve been considering. When Chiron heads direct the following day, wounds relating to your family and home will be brought up now in order to be addressed and resolved for good. As uncomfortable or painful as this experience may be, it’s necessary in order for you to pave the way for a healthier new beginning.
The same day, on the 19th, Venus will go retrograde on your sign. Have you been contemplating a new look, plastic surgery, getting botox or fillers, or new hair color? You’re going to want to hold off on those until Venus heads direct again on the 29th of next month. Otherwise, things may not go according to your vision and you are likely to experience serious regrets and setbacks! Ready for the spotlight? The Sun enters your sign on the 21st.
Although you won’t be able to move forward on making any new moves in the way that you appear or present yourself to others, you can still expect the spotlight to be on you in some form or fashion until late next month. Shine on Capricorn - just don’t do anything new for now! Saturn and Uranus will form their third and final square on the 24th of December, replicating themes experienced during the first two squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June of this year.
How has your sex life (or lack thereof) been affecting your self-esteem? Do you feel like you are able to express who you are sexually and otherwise? Does your dating life feel stable? These are all matters you are going to be faced with during this time. Jupiter enters your 3rd house of communication on the 28th to remain there for the majority of next year. Get ready for your writing, social media presence, public speaking, and general communication opportunities to begin ramping up this year, Cap!
Aquarius
AquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to get more social, Aquarius! December 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in Sagittarius will breathe life into your friendships. The Full Moon on December 18th will illuminate your 5th house. Expect an epiphany regarding the way you approach dating, children, sex, recreation, and creative expression. Any insecurities relating to the way you communicate with others and your sibling relationships will come to a head for you when Chiron heads direct on the 19th.
When the Sun enters your 12th house of subconscious, reflection, and intuition two days later on the 21st, expect that you will want to spend more time alone, introspecting on your past and upcoming life decisions. Get in tune with yourself and your emotions by engaging in a solo yoga practice, meditation, or a spiritual bath regimen.
Saturn will form a tense angle to Uranus on the 24th, creating friction between yourself and your family. They may take issue with the way that you present yourself to the public, or you are likely to find yourself at odds with your family due to a strongly held belief. These issues will echo any incidents faced during the first two Saturn-Uranus squares that took place in mid-February and mid-June.
On a positive note, expect a boost in your finances and self-esteem when Jupiter enters your 2nd house of value and self-worth on the 28th to remain for much of next year. 2022 will be prime time for you to go after that bag, Aquarius!
Pisces
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleGet ready to make boss moves, Pisces! December 4th’s New Moon Total Solar Eclipse will light up the area of your chart that rules your career. Don’t be surprised if a new job opportunity, a promotion, or new responsibilities and roles crop up at work now! The Full Moon in Gemini on the 18th will bring home and family matters to a head now for closure and resolution. When Chiron heads direct in your 2nd house on the 19th, wounds relating to your self-esteem will be brought to light so that you can come to terms with and finally heal them.
As uncomfortable as this will be, it will pave the way for a better, more confident, and self-assured you. Venus heads retrograde on the 19th and will remain that way until the 29th of next month. You are likely to experience challenges and setbacks in being able to physically spend time with your friends. Don’t worry! You’ll find creative ways to remain connected. Whether it’s through Zoom calls or social media status updates, you can rest assured that your circle will remain tight until it begins to grow again after Venus heads direct again in late January.
December 24th brings a tense square between Saturn and Uranus that will bring you strong gut feelings and spiritual downloads. Pay attention to any messages you receive on social media or via email at this time, they will clue you into information you may need to know at this time. On a positive note, Jupiter enters your sign at the end of the month - get ready to shine, Pisces! Jupiter is going to bestow you with blessings and luck. You will be viewed in an extremely positive light beginning now and for the majority of next year.
Expect to make excellent impressions with higher-ups at work. Engagement, marriage, a higher title, and a better living arrangement may also be in the cards for you. Please note that Jupiter expands, if you don’t want to gain weight, keep those celebratory treats to a minimum and plan to spend a lot more time in the gym this year! Either way, expect a major glow-up in 2022, Pisces!
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I thought my friendships in my thirties would look like an episode of Girlfriendsor Living Single. That we’d be meeting up, getting drinks at a sexy local bar, having dinner together in each other's homes, and taking trips like the Housewives shows we’d watched since we were teenagers. My reality has been the polar opposite of that. My friendships have changed drastically and for a while, I felt like I was on my own.
In my mid-twenties, I started going to therapy, started a business that took off, and I started setting boundaries about how I wanted to be treated as a person. From there some friendships changed drastically, for better and worse. Friends who couldn’t understand or accept the new me were removed, and drifted off, and then there were beautiful changes that put distance between my friends and me. My best friend married and had children young, college friends moved away, job offers took other friends across the country, and I found myself face to face with a form of loneliness that I’d never experienced.
In my thirties, I started asking myself questions about what my friendships would look like, if these changes in dynamics would just be my new normal, or if I would find a new set of girlfriends that I could do life with.
Don’t get me wrong, do my friends call me? Yes. Do they check on me? Yes. Are they cheering the loudest for me with every win? Absolutely, but I also can’t tell you the last time we met up for drinks or if we’ve ever taken the girls' trip we’ve been talking about for the past decade. For some time, I thought perhaps this was the trade-off for choosing a different path, not being able to have friends in this phase of life, or that at some point I’d create a new friend group, and while I pray for the latter, discussions with women who were experiencing similar shifts showed me that we all are no longer relatable in some way to your friends.
Whether you’re the friend who got married early, embarked on a healing journey, started a thriving business, moved away from your small town, or are at a low point in life and can’t relate because you’re the friend struggling - we’re all experiencing some form of a shift in our friendships. Digger deeper into this subject matter with women from all across the country, I’ve discovered that we are not alone and we are all experiencing loneliness and transition.
1.There is a need for friends who get that life is a juggling act.
"I've always been obsessed with the idea of sisterhood. My mom is one of 10 children five boys, five girls so I had a lot of aunts that were around growing up. My mom had the same two best friends since she was like in high school in her early 20s, so I just thought like oh I'm gonna go to college and you know I'm gonna find these lifelong friends. I joined a sorority and other organizations where friendship and companionship was at the helm of that and I think you know fast forward to me graduating college, and starting life as an adult away from a lot of those friendships that I created, I realized adulthood is extremely lonely.
"Navigating friendships in your 20s versus your 30s is like comparing apples and oranges, seriously. In my 20s, it was all about exploration – career, relationships, you name it. We were all on different paths, some searching for love, others for adventure, and a few just figuring out what they wanted. I was right there with them, soaking up every moment of freedom and self-discovery. I don’t think that exploration stops in your 30’s but the tools you need and the paths you need to take are a lot clearer.
"Personally, things shifted fast for me in my 30s. I welcomed a child, got engaged, and suddenly, priorities were rearranged quicker than you can say 'adulting.' Self-awareness kicked in, and I realized I needed friends who were on the same page – willing to grow, heal, and understand the complexities of life. Nowadays, it's all about quality over quantity. I've trimmed down my circle to those who bring joy, understanding, and, most importantly, reciprocity. Yeah, it was tough saying goodbye to some old friends, but it had to be done for my own peace of mind.
"In this crazy world where time is the most precious commodity, I'm all about spending it with those who uplift and support me – friends who get that life's a juggling act and offer grace when needed."
- Leticia Owens, 34, Las Vegas, Nevada
2.There is a maturity that either brings friends together or takes them apart.
"As someone who has traversed most of my thirties now, what I’ve really seen from 30 to almost 38 is the cycling of friendships that can sometimes happen when people have different commitments to their own personal growth. I think some of the friendships that I have chosen to leave behind in my earlier thirties were a result of that person not pulling their weight in the relationship from the perspective of not even seeing how their behavior plays a role in the dynamic and how hurtful it might be.
"Some people come to that at a young age and even in their twenties, but some people take longer. There’s an emotional and relational maturity that either brings people together or brings about separation. Your thirties can bring about a lot of changes to friendships, marriage, children, helping your parents if they’re older and now need assistance financially, all of the other relationships have an impact on our relationships."
- Allie, 38, California
3.There's a knowing that motherhood changes how you maintain and make connections.
"I was a new mother at 21, trying to figure out my relationship, navigate a career, and figure out my life so I had to adjust quickly. In my twenties, I partied hard and at one point with the clothes that I had on the day before to make sure I got dressed up at work. I enjoyed my life and when I decided I was gonna be a mom and wife, I didn’t think about if I was gonna miss this life, it was like time to shift gears. I was clubbing because I was tryna run from shit. I don’t have a life that I have to run from anymore.
"As you start to evolve in your life and then your relationships shift, you wanna still keep the connection but at some point, for different friends, you don’t evolve with them. But at times making new friends is just as hard so you’d rather stay stagnant with the people that are already there. It’s not as easy. Then you’re making friends with moms because your kids want to have playdates so you’re entering into a dynamic with this person for your kids, not because it’s a genuine connection.
"I also think that it’s ironic because the same feelings that your single friends are having about not being able to have fun with you, that feeling of emptiness there is twofold. I’m a mom but I’m a person first. I’m now married with three kids and now my friends are having children too so I’m watching my friends struggle with motherhood and they don’t always come to me for advice. But as they evolve as mothers they have a level of understanding for the shit that I went through.
"Granted I sacrificed to be a young mother, but I was also able to excel in my career and go back to school with the help of my husband. He's an amazing dad and partner and with him, I know I know if I drop the ball, he’s catching it."
- Tania, 31, New Jersey
4.There is a coming into yourself that causes you to release what no longer aligns.
"Friendships change because you begin to come into yourself. You begin to understand that you're an individual that has your own needs, values, likes, wants, etc. and those friendships that were cultivated in high school and college are often no longer aligned with who you want to be. And unfortunately what happens is that we start to break away from the old versions of ourselves and what the people who love us expected us to be.
"My relationships started to change when I stopped pleasing people and I asked myself if was I still friends with this person based on the length of time that we’ve been friends, rather than was this person in alignment with what I wanted out of life."
- Brittany, 31, New York City
5.There is a need for more grace as you grow and evolve.
"We don’t extend enough grace to our friends and I feel we need to remember to. Sometimes we extend more grace to a toxic person we are 'dating' than the friend who is there to pick the pieces up after that person exits stage left. It has been great for me thus far and that’s only because my friends and I respect each other and I mean respect where we are in life i.e. marriage, kids careers, etc, and respect that our time and what we dedicate our time to may not always be to each other physically but we show up mentally and spiritually through prayer and sometimes FaceTime or phone calls.
'If you are expecting your friendships to be the same [as] they were when you were in your 20s or teenagers it shows that you're not pushing each other to grow and evolve."
- Dasia Brown, 34, New Jersey
6.There is a change in how and when you connect due to availability and changes in priorities.
"Just this weekend I shared a post that said I am not the club friend anymore I am the spa friend, the brunch friend, the travel friend. Overall I know that part of friendships is connecting on social outings and when those no longer align if there isn’t real substance to the friendship it can start to fade. Another thing is how in our 30s, life starts really life-ing and our availability and priorities change, making it a little more challenging in how and when we connect.
"I’m grateful for friends who give each other grace but [I] will add [that] my immediate friend group no one is a mom yet. My mom friends are way more limited and it’s understandable but I’ve noticed the change from once becoming a mom and how things become one-sided in willingness to understand their needs. I think the solid friends try their best to show up or at least be fully present in the 15 minutes they do have to spare."
- Delila, 37, New York City
7.There is less hanging out and the concept of what makes a good friend shifts.
"Friendships change in your thirties for many reasons. Priorities, time, money, comparing lives, extremely different lifestyles. I’m a great friend so all mine love me… but I’m also not hanging out like I did 5-10 years ago."
- Destiny, 35, Delaware
8.There are challenges when no one is on the same journey at the same time.
"One of the biggest challenges is when people are settling into their careers, getting married, having kids, and no one is going to be on the same journey at the same time. You might have a friend that’s already married with kids, and you might be career-driven and single. You want to go out to happy hour and your friend with kids gotta see if your friend with the husband and the kids is available.
"In that same vein, that friend might also have mom friends that want to go on playdates and are more available to hang out with each other because they are able to do stuff together with the kids, but if you’re on two different paths it’s definitely a challenge."
- Quadira, 30, New Jersey
9.There is a release of friendships that might be holding you back.
"Based on my personal experience the lives of friends - Black women; either verge or diverge based on a major event. For example, your bestie becomes a teen mom in college, someone’s career takes off drastically compared to the others, someone couples or marries younger, or someone adopts a new faith or becomes stronger in their faith. Someone starts to heal generational trauma via therapy. A friend picks up an alcohol or drug abuse problem. Someone suffers a profound loss. I mean the list goes on. And depending on where each friend is in their life those things can make or break a friendship.
"You may even stray and try to come back and strengthen the bond but ultimately what happens to us is often a feeling of 'this happened to me and such and such wasn’t even there forreal.' Or after you/they have a major event see some unhealthy traits that have always existed and you ignored for the sake of friendship but where you are going in life won’t allow you to ignore it any longer.
"I just turned 38 and about 3/4 years ago I had a nagging feeling that it was time to shed a 20-plus-year friendship. I avoided it so long, we fell out twice in a huge way and I, being avoidant, put off the difficult conversation and ignored so much until I couldn’t. We were like sisters and the aftermath was much more than I could have expected but I’ve never felt lighter and more free and I think in your thirties you realize time is of the essence and the things you’ve accepted no longer suit you. Initially, we think of romantic relationships but sometimes it’s the platonic friendship that is what’s holding you back."
- Sydney, 38, Ohio
10.There is a realization that no investment to the friendship is too big or too small.
"I think friendships and relationships change in our thirties because most of us enter an elevated era of prioritization and a different style of communication. This is especially true if you have a partner. Even more so with children. Marriage is an investment. Children are an investment. Friendships are too and it’s easier to invest into people who get that sometimes you can only deposit a penny… sometimes you might be in the red and other times it’s emotional payday. So you hang out with more moms or parents. More married friends, etc.
"Your single friends also stop checking in as much and inviting you places. So you feel like you can relate less, as I’m sure they feel the same. You can’t communicate as often and at length because of work or family or life. And not everyone gets that. As your life evolves, your expectations change, and what you’re able to give changes too. When friends are in different places, they can’t always understand those changes and those relationships become unsustainable. There are so many things, but mostly life happens."
- Denisse, 34, Mississippi
11.There is a hyperfocus on family, career, and love.
"I think the dynamics do change even before you hit 30. I would say late 20s, even maybe early if people went through anything like I did with my friend group from high school. Think about it: we are trying to navigate what we want to do with our lives concerning career, and love, and discover who we are, and what God put us on this Earth for, and a lot of us really aren’t taught what friendships look like as adults because some of our parents don’t have friends who come over all the time, who feel like a part of the community.
"It’s a hyper-focus on family and career and love. School doesn’t help either cause nothing really prepares you for how you nurture friendships long distance, what happens when you realize you and a friend are no longer aligned (they were a season vs. forever), or envy jumps out when you start doing what they perceive as better than some of them."
- Cydney, 33, North Carolina
12.There is a change in how you prioritize friendships that is dictated by major life shifts.
"I’m like one of the last in my friend group in Copenhagen to have kids - and I feel like that just shifted so much for us/our group when everybody started having kids. More difficult to make plans, weekends are very different. But now that I have Naya [my child] it obviously makes sense.
"I feel like there is just so much that’s shifting in our thirties, whether career, serious boyfriends or marriage, kids, moving out of town, etc. Like life gets serious somehow lol and it’s challenging to prioritize your friendships in the same way you could in your twenties! I have a girlfriend back home who used to live just a block away and we’d always like go grocery shopping together and watch movies in bed and have sleepovers etc, and I honestly miss that so much."
- Caroline, 33, Denmark
13.There is acceptance that everyone can't maintain a long-distance friendship.
"For me, one friendship dynamic changed by me moving and the person I was tight with was unable to support a long-distance friendship. It went from twice a week at least two hours of calls to 10-minute check-ins every few weeks."
- Januarie, 34, Michigan
14.There is a tendency for hesitation when making new friends.
"I experienced a friendship breakup when I turned 30 after 12 years. It has caused me to be hesitant with making new friends and categorize people for being in my life for specific reasons instead of being 'deep connections' kind of friend."
- Kiara, 33, Ohio
15.There is knowledge that friendships are inconvenient and that the right friends will show up and show out for you.
"As a disclaimer, I’m antisocial. In my thirties I’ve noticed I’ve changed some random hard rules I’ve always had for the sake of maintaining my friendships. I’ve been taking more trips, I’ve been driving distances of up to two hours to grab lunch if they’re near. Like a light randomly clicked like these people are very important to me my silly 'boundaries' will cause more harm than good. I can look up and we’re so distant or I’m attending a funeral. Like if nothing is physically stopping me from showing up then it’s up!
"Also, I have realized and been practicing the appreciation aspect for them. I’m a married mom of two. The people have taken planes and trains to celebrate me. Their accomplishments aren’t always marriage and kids and I'm gonna appreciate it too even if they don’t make a big deal of it."
- Lala, 31, New York City
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