On paper, I had every Black woman's dream. A six-figure salary. A flashy career in entertainment. But what most didn't realize is that I was severely burnt out. Corporate America had me working 70-hour work weeks, on average. I was juggling this while raising two small children. And as if that wasn't impossible enough, I was (and am!) an empath. I peep everything, intuitively pick up on vibes and easily absorb other people's energy and intentions.
Fast-paced environments that require lots of social interaction are extremely taxing for empaths and introverts, and that was my life for 10-12 hours each day! Every day, I constantly brushed off racist and sexist microaggressions, executed high-stakes presentations (despite being shy), schmoozed with celebrities and took on all of the last-minute, high-pressure projects needed to overcompensate for the deep insecurity that I felt inside about being a Black introvert.
Looking back, I was a train wreck waiting to happen. And happen it did.
At the height of my career, my once statement-making hair started to fall out in clumps. Then, the stomach issues, joint pain and random food allergies set in. Imagine being a young Black woman trying to convince your doctor that you're struggling with all of these random symptoms? Good luck!
Life has a funny way of forcing you to slow down when you refuse to slow down by choice; I was finally diagnosed with lupus and had to resign from my job. My doctor told me that my condition was likely triggered by my stressful lifestyle. Without realizing it, ignoring my true nature made me sick.
Although it was a hard pill to swallow at first, I recognize now that diamonds are forged through fire. Being diagnosed with lupus led to my spiritual awakening. If I hadn't gone through this crisis and discovered my passion for the metaphysical, my self-acceptance journey would have never begun. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Despite society making Black women feel like we need to constantly display super-human strength and resilience, I am proud to be an empath. My experiences have taught me to respect my deep intuition and my need for a quieter, more introspective lifestyle. These are some of my favorite metaphysical practices as an empath that keep me healthy, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
1.Crystal Healing
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According to Harper's Bazaar, crystal healing is a type of alternative therapy that involves using gemstones to bring balance to your life and mind. Healing crystals have been referenced in the Bible, by ancient philosophers, and were frequently used as healing and protective talismans in ancient civilizations like Egypt, Greece and Japan.
Each crystal emits a unique energy pattern and frequency. Carrying these crystals influences your own personal frequency and the quality of your aura in very specific ways.
Rose Quartz crystals are purported to attract love. Citrine is rumored to attract wealth. My personal favorite is Black Tourmaline. I never leave my house without it. It is highly protective and resistant to negative energy. It shields you from taking on the energy of your surroundings and the people around you - an absolute must-have for empaths, introverts, and highly sensitive people.
2.Acupuncture
According to PopSugar.com, acupuncture is the "placing of acupuncture needles at certain acupuncture points to treat a variety of ailments and pain, which are rooted in the blockage of energy." I have used acupuncture consistently over the past five years and for me it has significantly reduced bloating and joint pain and has improved my digestion. It has also promoted deeper sleep, reduced stress, and tons of other benefits that I swear by. I always feel incredibly refreshed and sleep deeply following my acupuncture treatments and try to schedule these in at least 1-2 times a month.
3.Mindfulness
ShutterstockAccording to MayoClinic.org, mindfulness is "a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment." The key to practicing mindfulness successfully is through allowing ourselves to be "fully present, aware of where we are and what we're doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed" by what's going on around us.
I practice mindfulness by taking a phone-free walk for at least 30 minutes each day and turning on my senses so that I can fully take in and appreciate all that is going on around me. Limiting your time on social media, turning off your phone, and doing one thing at a time (like eating with the TV off) are other ways to incorporate mindfulness into your life.
4.Astrology
Astrology is "the study of the influence that distant cosmic objects, usually stars and planets, have on human lives." Astrology boasts lots of legendary followers including Psychologist Carl Jung, Hippocrates, and bank tycoon J.P. Morgan who famously said, "Millionaires don't follow Astrology. Billionaires do."
Whether you believe in astrology or not, science has shown that the phases of the moon and planets have a profound effect on humanity, especially those who are already highly sensitive by nature. I notice that I am particularly tense and wound up during the full and new moon phases when lunar energy is super charged. Knowing my astrological placements and transits have also been extremely helpful and incredibly accurate in determining my energy patterns and experiences in the days and weeks ahead.
5.Feng Shui
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According to Invaluable.com, feng shui, "often referred to as the art of placement" is, in the simplest of terms, "about positioning different elements to optimize 'Chi,' or energy in your environment." It is based on the belief that your environment has a direct effect on your mood and experiences.
I am so fascinated by feng shui and have noticed that when I follow its basic practices, like making sure my living space is clear and clutter-free so that energy can freely move, my mood, productivity and energy levels are instantly elevated. Notice how you feel immediately uplifted after cleaning your room? Having clutter and clothes around can be extremely draining to empaths and highly sensitive people.
6.Reiki
According to Reiki.org, "Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by 'laying on hands' and is based on the idea that an unseen 'life force energy' flows through us and is what causes us to be alive."
When our "life force energy" is low, we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of feeling happy and healthy.
Reiki for me has been like therapy. The advice and energy that I receive from my Reiki practitioner is holistic and makes me keenly aware of the patterns and imbalances in my life. I try to schedule in a session at least once a month.
7.Taking Spiritual Moon Baths
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Rooted in ancient Ayurvedic practice, moon bathing is the act of tapping into the powerful energy of the moon to promote optimal physical and emotional health. There are a number of ways to tap into the energy of the moon - my favorite way is through my bi-weekly Moon Bath Regimen, i.e. taking a healing bath with crystals, essential oils, herb botanicals and a variety of sea salts.
When I take my baths, I use formulas that are specifically targeted to what's going on in my life at the time. I use Ylang ylang and Rose quartz if I need to boost feelings of acceptance and love for myself or to reconnect romantically with my partner. I use Green Aventurine and Eucalyptus essential oil if I'm feeling stagnant and unmotivated. Rhodonite is my go-to if I'm going through a tense situation like a break-up, or difficult work project. This practice has helped me so much that I created a company out of it.
Of all of my metaphysical and ritual self-care practices, moon baths are by far the most fulfilling and effective for me. I schedule them in twice monthly during the New Moon and Full Moon phases - with additional baths whenever I am feeling particularly heightened or over-stimulated. I view my ritual moon baths as much-needed alone time where I'm able to manifest positive vibes and experiences in my life.
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When I write my next book (that’s currently slated for release in June of 2024; just in time for a big milestone), I’m going to share some of the things that personally caused me to go through the ending of some friendships. For now, I’m going to share a big one: friendship infidelity.
Yeah, I know — oftentimes, whenever the word “infidelity” is used, the main (if not only) thing that comes up in people’s minds is someone cheating on their partner. However, if you’ve read my content for a while now, you already know that an “occupational hazard” of mine is the fact that, as a writer, I’m pretty word-literal. Therefore, when it comes to infidelity, I’m aware that it’s got more than one meaning. And when it comes to friendship (or so-called friendships — check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One”), yes, there is a definition that totally applies. Let’s discuss.
What Does Infidelity Literally Mean?
GiphyIn order for this to “scratch any itch” that you might have about this particular topic, let’s get into the definition of infidelity that I was referring to. While yes, the most popular one is “marital disloyalty; adultery” (one day, we’ll have to talk about how the Bible doesn’t define adultery in the way that folks think it does (check out Matthew 19 sometime), another definition is “unfaithfulness; disloyalty.” While we’re at it, let me share a few synonyms for the word too: betrayal, falseness, inconstancy (bookmark that), deceit, double-dealing, fraud, breach of trust, violation, dishonesty, and false-heartedness.
Okay, so now do you see how it is totally appropriate to use the word “infidelity” in the realm of friendship if someone has been unfaithful or disloyal to you in any of these ways (that inconstancy one is a mutha!)? Do you also get that there is a huge possibility that, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, there are times when you’ve committed some form of infidelity when it comes to one or more of the friends in your life?
Because be real — have you never breached their trust? Have you always been consistent? To violate is to treat someone or something with disrespect. Have you never done that before? Only your ego would tell you that you’ve been a perfect friend — and the ego lies.
That said and with the meanings of a different kind of infidelity established, let’s now talk about how to approach this type of experience…because it ain’t easy.
When It Comes to Faithfulness in Your Friendships, What Should Your Expectations Be?
GiphyAs far as having my own accounts, I don’t do social media (still trying to decide if I will, a little bit, around my book release) — and it has been peace, wonderful peace, to live that way. This means that it’s pretty rare that I’ll read comments via any of the platforms I write for (also peaceful). Oh, but a few years ago, when I penned “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other,” I did tiptoe out a bit, and boy, some folks were disgruntled with me, chile. I was called petty, problematic, and a host of other stuff.
Uh-huh first, I don’t get how you can be mad at me about what works for me and my life (being controlling manifests in all sorts of cryptic ways) and secondly, time and experience have taught me that it’s a boundary that has served me extremely well. One of the reasons is that, since friendship infidelity is a very real thing, my lines not crossing helps to keep people from betraying my confidence or double-dealing in a way that may not even be intentional.
An example? Say that I have two friends and I tell one of them something in confidence. Then she tells the other friend, assuming that I already had because she thought that the other friend and I had similar discussions. This would be a non-issue if I hadn’t brought them together in the first place.
Another example is, one of my closest friends has some people who I like a lot who live in Nashville (my friend doesn’t). Sometimes, when she comes into town, we’ll all hang out. I don’t do it outside of that, though, because there are things that she shares with me about them on occasion (from a getting a different perspective to make certain decisions angle; especially since I’m a life coach) that I don’t want to make her or them feel awkward about (even if it’s just due to somewhat of a shift in my energy). Plus, everyone just needs to have their own people. This ain’t high school; everyone doesn’t have to be in the same cliques.
If one of my friends wants to vent about me…I don’t care if/when they are talking to someone who I don’t even know…because I’m not friends with that person… because I don’t expect anything from a complete stranger. So again, this type of boundary has served me extremely well over the years — and my friends agree. It has made “faithfulness” so much easier for all parties involved because again, lines don’t cross and things don’t get messy.
Okay. I’ll give you one more example that has to do with one of my male friends and his personal friendship-related preference. Due to his high-profile profession, he doesn’t like to be discussed at all, not even casually (really). He doesn’t want me to bring his name up and, when someone else does, he prefers that I keep the conversation down to an absolute minimum, no matter what the topic is. For him, it works for his close friendships to be somewhat private, so that people don’t know who they can go to in order to get in touch with him or to receive any intel that he hasn’t directly shared — professionally or personally.
Some people may call that “paranoid.” For him, it’s safe to move that way. And so, as his friend, it’s not my job to try and talk him out of his standard. If I value our friendship, I simply need to honor his request — plain and simple. To do otherwise would be an act of unfaithfulness (especially if I agreed to what he asked me to do and then switched up on him).
So, when it comes to you, what are your expectations? What do you need — actually require — of your own friends? Have you stated those things? Because you should never assume that your definition of what a friend should be is exactly the same as someone else’s. Next, have you made it abundantly clear to them that if those expectations are not honored, you will feel some level of betrayal? If you haven’t, you should because, although most of us can agree that a partner sleeping with someone other than their own spouse is a form of infidelity, friendship infidelity isn’t quite so black and white.
If you want your friend(s) to be faithful — “true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.,” “steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant” — you need to be upfront with them about what they are vowing to do…what you want them to be constant in? Because, again, how you might roll as a friend may be something different to/for them.
Come to think of it, love languages in friendships is a good example of this. One of my close friends is a quality time person; I’m not. On the other hand, I am a words of affirmation person; she isn’t. She used to think that it was a given that I should want to hang out at least once a month and I used to get irritated that she wasn’t big on words. When we had a talk about our individual expectations, we found a “middle ground” and that made things so much easier…on both sides. Indeed, in order to be faithful (or unfaithful), you first gotta know what you’ve agreed to be faithful to. It’s not fair to expect someone to honor you and what you bring to a friendship if you’re not communicating your expectations on the front end.
So, what should your expectations in your friendships be? That, I can’t answer for you, because even when it comes to across-the-board traits like support, availability, and communication, honestly, even those are gonna manifest differently for different people.
All I’m saying is make sure that you share what your expectations are as you listen to theirs as well. That way, you both can move forward in your friendship knowing what you have mutually agreed to actually be faithful to.
What Should You Do If a Friend “Cheats on You”?
GiphyOkay, so what if, after you have established what you need/expect from your friend, they are unfaithful or disloyal? That’s kind of a loaded question because there are a lot of different ways that this box can get checked. For instance, I once had a friend who kept trying to put me in touch with someone who I knew was unsafe (on a lot of levels). She kept asking and I kept telling her “no.” One day, she called me and then handed that person the phone — she was disloyal because she dishonored my boundary.
Back in the day, I used to write devotionals and I shared the story (sans her name) in it. All of a sudden, she thought that she was the victim (gaslighting friends are something else). So wait — you put me in harm’s way and I need to apologize to you for it? If her identity was obvious (I didn’t even say “she”), I get it — it wasn’t. She just felt guilty and didn’t want to take accountability. As a result, she weaponized our friendship by going ghost for like a year and then tried to come back as if nothing had ever happened. Chile.
For me, there was no coming back. The way she handled that, on a few different levels, was emotionally draining and I honestly didn’t have the stamina for it. So, I ended the relationship officially. Years later, we saw each other and made our peace. I’m fine with it being just that (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”).
That’s kind of an extreme example. Still, the reason why I brought it up is because I wanted you to see how I handled one form of friendship infidelity: I thought about what happened, I pondered what I was getting (and not getting) from the friendship, I thought about how she handles things when she is in the wrong and I focused on what would be the benefits and challenges of keeping her in my life. The conclusion that I came to is I care enough about her that we’re not rolling our eyes in the mall or sucking our teeth whenever one of our names comes up to the other yet I don’t want her to continue walking closely to me in my journey. I’m good.
For you, it might be a bit different. What if one of your friends betrays you in some way? Is it fair to take a “one-and-done” approach? I dunno. Is that how you would want your friends to handle you? Do you want to feel like, no matter what, after you make one mistake (or poor choice; not everything is a mistake…some things are intentional), there’s no coming back? If so, you might not want to have relationships at all because humans are fallible, INCLUDING YOU. You might as well settle in with that fact now or you’re about to be triggered, irritated, or angry for most of your life, chile.
What Should You Do If YOU’RE the One Who Cheats?
GiphyOver the weekend, I watched a movie where a woman cheated during a long-distance relationship and then claimed that her boyfriend was “punishing her” because he wasn’t over it a month later. The first thing that came to my mind? A lack of accountability. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that if the shoe had been on the other foot, she wouldn’t be all rainbows and sunshine four weeks later…either.
Being that I grew up in an environment (pretty much everywhere, including church) where folks absolutely sucked at taking personal responsibility for their actions without trying to make excuses, using justifications, deflecting, or gaslighting, I am almost violent about making sure that I don’t follow suit. And because I’ve had times when I’ve violated someone’s boundaries (I used to be more controlling than I should’ve ever been) and/or betrayed their trust (just because I’m basically an open book, that doesn’t mean that I should assume that everyone is the same way) — I’ve had to learn how to take full ownership for my actions. Then, if the person is open to accepting my apology, I would take things up a notch by making amends (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made”).
If you’re not sure what an "amends" is, basically, when you’ve done something that has offended someone or caused them some type of harm if you’re truly remorseful, it’s not enough to flippantly toss a “my bad” in their direction. No, when you really get the magnitude of what has transpired — and if you want to restore the damage that was caused — you need to be intentional about doing something that will help with the healing process. This can happen with a simple, “What can I do to make things better?” People who apologize and then ask something along those lines show that they really get what they did; not only that but they are displaying that they want to humble themselves enough to help the person they hurt to “recover” in any way that they can.
So, if you are the one who was unfaithful or disloyal — own it, address it, apologize (without any unnecessary extra-ness, make amends, and then give your friend space to heal…however they need to do so. Infidelity hurts in any kind of relationship dynamic yet when two people — BOTH INDIVIDUALS — really want to make things work, they can come back from it. Oftentimes better than they were before.
How to Heal from Friendship Infidelity
GiphyIt really can’t be said enough that humans are fallible. In fact, it is my belief, that if more of us said that as a mantra, five times a day, we’d probably be a lot more merciful than we tend to be. Because since none of us are perfect — INCLUDING OURSELVES — it really is pretty ridiculous to expect to be in relationships with folks and have them never disappoint you (where they do that at?!). The reality is sometimes a friend may be disloyal — not in a malicious or redundant kind of way (another message, another time) but just…they didn’t meet your requirements, they hurt your feelings (even if not intentionally) or they simply made a poor decision. Just like you have before — and at some point, will again.
Yes, it can hurt; trust me, I’ve been there. At the same time, you can heal from the pain and your friendship can survive too. The key is to really process the character of your friend, the track record of your friend, and if the benefits far outweigh the challenges with them. If everything is on the upswing, talk to your friend about how you are feeling, pay close attention to how they respond (if there is remorse, compassion, and patience), and then make the decision that you want to move forward. And then move in a way that shows that you’ve learned from it all.
For instance, say that you told one of your friends something in confidence and they repeated it. After getting context, if it was reckless chatter, healing begins with forgiving them, them trying to make things right and then you easing into sharing anything else. No, it’s not about keeping the door shut forever — it’s more like, telling them something that you don’t really mind if it gets out. If it does, although that’s not a big deal, you will now see that yapping is a pattern for them and so, although you like having them in your life, being a “confidant space” is not where they need to be — at least not for quite some time.
And what if, in your opinion, there is no coming back from friendship infidelity? How do you heal from that? Well, you need to grieve it like you would grieve anything else. Go through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The key is to not stay stuck; especially in anger. Because really, how is that gonna help or change anything?
I’ve gone through some acts of extreme infidelity that took me a while to move to acceptance — really accepting that it happened and fully accepting that I had to let the relationship go. Yet once I got there, healing was waiting for me. Because I wasn’t beating myself up trying to read someone else’s mind or motive or exhausting myself by wishing things were different. No one can change the past. Even accepting that can restore you to some pretty unexpected levels.
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This is the kind of topic that I really could write an entire book about. For now, I just hope that this article provides some clarity that, if you wonder if unfaithfulness is a real thing as far as friendship is concerned, it most certainly is. It’s also not automatically unforgivable either.
Last example: I’ve got a friend of decades who prioritized a woman that he barely knew over our friendship. Meaning, she was threatened by me being around and so he did whatever to make her happy even at the expense of what we agreed to do and be to each other, as friends. Friendship infidelity. He has since apologized and I told him what I am a firm believer in: the apology needs to breathe. I need to take some time, he needs to take some time and, in time, either we will still see value in our dynamic or, because an apology was made and then accepted, peace will always remain between us.
Infidelity is something that none of us want to experience — oh, but we probably will. When it comes to your friendships, perhaps you’ve got a (better) grasp on how to handle it.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. Live long enough, chile, for better or for worse, you will know about both. I can almost guarantee it.
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