OK, so here's a totally random yet pretty interesting question. The last time that you found yourself talking to someone on the phone and hearing yourself say, "Whew, I'm just so tired" or "I could really use some rest", did you ever take a moment to think what you actually meant by that? While on the surface, this might seem like a very "duh" inquiry, the reality is, when it comes to fatigue, as a wise person once said, chile, there are levels to this.
For example, two definitions of the word "rest" are "to refresh oneself, as by sleeping, lying down, or relaxing" and "to relieve weariness by cessation of exertion or labor". Then there's the phrase "at rest" which means "free from worry; tranquil". As if that's not enough to ponder, there are also all of the types of rest (as heard in this viral TED talk by Saundra Dalton-Smith) that your mind, body, soul—or perhaps all three—are longing for.
That last part? That is what I want to encourage you to take a couple of moments to really think deep and hard about today. As I go through 10 different types of rest that we all tend to need at various points and times in our lives, reflect on which one resonates with you the most, right at this very moment. Because there is no way that you can get fully refreshed and replenished unless you know what area of your life needs the rest…the most.
1. Physical Rest
Let's tackle what is probably the most obvious kind of rest that we find ourselves in need of—physical rest. Physical rest is all about getting 6-8 hours of sleep and/or slowing down because your body is physically drained. What are some clear indications that this is the type of rest that you actually need? On the sleep deprivation tip, if you are moody; you can't focus or concentrate; your libido is low; you are suddenly gaining weight; your memory is foggy or it seems like you're sick more than usual (due to a weakened immunity)—these are all indications that you are probably not getting as many hours of sleep as you should. But what if you are catching regular zzz's and you still feel sore, achy or just totally drained? That could mean that you are pushing your body too hard when you're working out or that you're simply not giving yourself time to just…chill.
If you can relate to any of this, the best thing that you can do is 1) make sleep a top priority and/or 2) take a couple of days to do nothing but just relax. Perhaps rather than a strenuous exercise routine, opt for some yoga or taking a stroll through your neighborhood. Also, a nice soak in the tub to soothe your muscles and joints couldn't hurt either. Bottom line, never feel like so much is going on that you can't afford to give yourself the physical rest that your body needs and, quite frankly, deserves. On the physical tip, rest is always paramount.
2. Mental Rest
OK, so how do you know when the rest that you actually need is not really physical but mental? That's a good question. Some clear indicators that a mental health day is in order is if you're anxious or worried to the point where you're not able to concentrate. Another indication that you might be in the need for a mental break is if you find yourself losing your temper a lot quicker than usual (yes, that means that you are being a pop-off) or, while you can't exactly put your finger on it, you feel disconnected from your life. What I mean by that is, things that typically matter a lot to you, right now, you don't too much care because you simply do not have the mental energy to hone in and focus.
If any of this resonates with you on some level, you're not going to do yourself (or anyone else) much good if you keep trying to push past your mental fatigue. One of the best things that you can do is A) take a day off so that you can rest and recharge and/or B) make an appointment with a therapist, counselor or life coach so that they can help you get to the root of what may be stressing you. Our minds are constantly working, so there are definitely times when it needs to get off of the roller coaster ride. If you are going through anything that I just shared, that is your cue to get some much-needed mental rest in.
3. Emotional Rest
A dictionary definition of emotion is a state of consciousness. If you were to look up the dictionary definition for the word "heart", one of the things it would say is "center of emotions". That's one of the reasons why I'm not a fan of "following your heart" (follow your emotions?! Emotions change all of the time; besides, the Bible speaks against following your heart as well—Jeremiah 17:9-10), yet I am a fan of the Scripture, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23—AMPC) For the record, guarding your heart does not mean building a symbolic barbed-wire fence around it. Guarding your heart just means that you acknowledge that your emotions are a part of who you are and it's important to watch how people, places, things and ideas influence it.
So, how do you know if it is past time for you to get some emotional rest? If you're sadder than usual. If you are restless when you try to sleep. If you feel numb (you're not really up or down). If you feel hopeless, confused or frustrated but you can't pinpoint the cause of why you feel this way. If you lack any sense of motivation. While all of this could point signs to low-key depression, before speaking with a physician or therapist, try reading articles that include signs that you're a people-pleaser, a love addict, you need to set better boundaries, or you're someone who is always preparing a man for another relationship and the pattern is devastating you. If any of this resonates with you, do some journaling in order to gain some clarity. Also, make sure to really listen to how you're feeling about the things that you are discovering about the root cause of your emotional discomfort.
While again, I'm not a "follow your heart" kind of person, I do believe that our feelings are emotional thermometers in the sense that they alert us to what we want, need or lack. As you discover more of what those things may be, express it to those you hold dear. Oftentimes, a person who needs emotional rest is simply someone who needs to be loved on a little bit more; they need a moment to receive some of what they so willingly give.
4. Spiritual Rest
I was born into a faith that observes the Seventh-Day Sabbath (I talk about it more in the article, "What To Do When You Don't Know How To Chill Out"). This means that from Friday at sunset thru Saturday at sunset, I'm chillin'. My friends know that unless it's an emergency, I preferred not to be called on the phone, I have no plans for when I'll get out of bed and, I do no work and, a lot of the focus is my own spiritual health and well-being. I think about things that I can do to better my spirit, how I can be more giving to humanity and I ponder the areas where I could stand to evolve in my relationship with the Most High. While I am no longer a part of the denomination that introduced me to the gift of sabbath-keeping, it is one thing that I am truly thankful for and will honor for the rest of my life. There really is nothing like taking out a day, every week, to focus on how to spiritually grow and mature.
For those of you who consider Sunday to be your day of rest, I have a question for you about that—how much rest do you actually get? Waking up early to go to church, only to come home and eat and get ready for another Monday…that doesn't sound much like resting to me. Listen, this isn't about getting into the theological and Scriptural reasons why the Sabbath is still relevant, even now. I just want to encourage you to ask yourself if spiritual rest is even on your radar; if you really do set aside regular time for prayer, meditation and getting closer to your Creator. The reason why I wrote articles for the site like, "Here's Exactly How To Start Protecting Your Spirit", "I've Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul" and "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?" is because, well, it's like a wise person once said, "You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." Since your soul is the essence of your being, if you don't make time to nurture it, you're gonna struggle with fully being at rest with the rest of who you are.
5. Social Rest
This kind of rest is something that introverts and ambiverts tend to get on a pretty consistent basis. But if you're someone who gets a lot of your energy from being around other people (which is a surface-level definition of what it means to be an extrovert), this particular point is especially for you. People are great and none of us were designed to be an island. But if you find yourself in a space where you feel like you can't even hear your own thoughts, "thanks" to the constant chatter, advice and perspectives of others, that is a telling sign that you need some social rest. Another clear indicator is, whether you are an extrovert, introvert or ambivert, you are always esteemed as being "the strong one" (you might wanna read "Check In On Your Strong Friend: 4 Signs Your Friend Is Going Through Depression") in your relationships.
If you can relate to these points, social rest is about putting your phone on silent, not hanging out with your peeps and really just enjoying some time by yourself. It could be for a day, a weekend or even a couple of weeks. Social rest isn't about ostracizing yourself. It's about taking a moment to love on yourself, rejuvenate yourself and enjoy your own company without an audience. Everyone deserves that. No matter how "typically outgoing" they might be.
6. Financial Rest
Not too long ago, I read a survey that said as much as 72 percent of Americans find themselves to be stressed out over money. What's really a trip about that is, it's a study that took place back in 2014. Can you imagine how folks are feeling in 2020 amidst this pandemic? Lord have mercy—literally.
So, how in the world can you get financial rest? There are a couple of angles that you can take. Something that I've been getting into the habit of doing more and more is paying bills ahead of their due date. Sometimes, even when it's something as simple as my car insurance or water bill, there is nothing like the sigh of relief that comes over me when the bill pops up in the mail (or my email) and I see a credit listed. Something else that can help you to become financially "free from worry" is to downsize a bit.
Do you need cable? Does your cell phone plan have more features than are actually necessary? How often are you gonna wear those new pair of shoes that you've been eyeing? Putting yourself into the position of having more money in your savings account than items all over your home can give you a sense of financial rest that you never knew you needed.
7. Creative Rest
While I get that not everyone falls into the classic definition of being a creative, at the same time, I wholeheartedly believe that since we are all made in the image of the Creator, we all are capable of creating on some level. Our approach to our career path might be innovative. How we love others might be super original. If you conceived and birthed a child, you are sho 'nuf creative. And, if you're someone who knows that you are in your purpose and fulfilling your true calling, that is another indication of how you are living out your best life creatively. That said, creating can take a lot out of a person. In fact, that's why I wrote the article, "How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'" once upon a time.
Listen, I'll be the first one to raise my hand in this class and say that, when you know that you are actively doing what you were sent here to do (this includes knowing that you are loving who you were made to love because love is at the core of creativity), it can be hard to "get off of the clock"—that doesn't mean it isn't necessary, though. Creative rest includes taking vacations (whether that's alone, with your significant other or even just spending a weekend away from your kids every once in a while). It means intentionally setting aside time to NOT work on that manuscript, record that album, design that outfit, cultivate that company or whatever other idea that has you so excited (and perhaps even consumed).
Remember what I said about the Seventh-Day Sabbath earlier? Another reason why I am a Sabbath observer is because, according to the Bible, God rested on the Sabbath Day (Genesis 2:1-3). Since the Master Creator takes moments when He looks at all He's done, calls it good and then rests, as one of His very creations, who am I not to take His lead and do the same? Your creations will wait on their creator to tell them what to do (or do next). Step away from them from time to time so that you can give your all and best to them.
8. Electronic Rest
What in the world is "electronic rest"? Anything that requires a plug (or battery) in order for you to use it, sometimes you need to go without those items, whether it's your smartphone, your laptop, your television or anything else that's electronic. The reality is there really is such a thing as sensory overload because electronic devices provide us with constant information, sometimes to the point where we end up feeling totally overwhelmed. For instance, have you ever wondered if you're a social media addict? Some indications that you very well may be is if you are unable to complete other tasks because you're constantly checking your social media accounts; you can't imagine going one day without turning your notifications off; you are consumed with how many likes or comments you get on your posts; you freak out when your favorite platform goes down; you are overly preoccupied with criticism or praise and/or you refuse to turn off your phone before retiring at night.
When I wrote the article, "8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.", some points that I mentioned include the fact that always looking at devices can affect your vision, your level of calm and even the quality of your relationships (I know a spouse who, because of their cell phone addiction, they are having less sex with their partner because they are on their phone all hours of the night). If you just read any of this and felt like I was talking to you directly, do your entire self a favor and take a social media break. While you're at it, how about reading a book instead of watching anything on the tube? And as much as you may dig music (same here), try going without that (including in your car) for 24-48 hours as well. Sometimes the best thing that we can do for ourselves is embrace silence and what it brings to us. In order to do that, all of the plugged-in-background-noise has to go.
9. Sensual Rest
If you're an unmarried person reading this, I already know that most people aren't gonna be abstinent for as long as I've been (which is going on 14 years now). But if you happen to be someone who reads articles on our site like, "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner" and you're totally shaking your head because, words cannot express, just how much you can relate, or you checked out "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom" before and you get it in theory but you never really hit the mark of establishing the kind of sexual boundaries that you need, a season of abstinence might be exactly what the doctor ordered.
It wasn't until I scaled back from my sexual partners (check out "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners") that I was able to see the patterns that I had set and why I was oftentimes totally depleted in my relationships or situationships. It was my long season of abstinence that has helped me to gain a greater sense of self-confidence and clarity about what I want, need and deserve beyond a great sex partner. I doubt I would've gotten to that place without, well…going without.
While we're here, I must say that sex in marriage is of the utmost importance (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important", "10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do" and "10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life"). I will add that if you are currently in a sexless marriage, unless you're physically unable to connect in this way, it's usually a flag that something is very awry in your relationship. Still, there are seasons of sex that most couples go through. If you find that you and your partner don't seem to connect well other than in the bedroom (also check out "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"), it could mean that one or both of you are relying on sex to mask other issues. This means you're abusing sex on some level and taking some time to do things like sex journal, date and emotionally connect can help you to repair the areas where you're weary and currently struggling. That way, once you do come back together on a sexual/sensual level, the sex can be even better than it was before!
10. “Being” Rest
And finally, what the heck is "being rest"? Someone once said that we are not humans "doing", we are humans being. If there is one thing that 2020 has done, it has revealed what humanity is truly capable of, both good and bad. Taking all of that in can be overwhelming. So, when I say that sometimes, it's cool to get some "human being rest"—remove yourself from the guilt of not being able to solve everyone's problems, fund all of humanity's crises or do more than what you are literally capable of. It's OK—encouraged even—to tell yourself sometimes, "I did the best that I can with what I've got. What I can't control, I won't even try to do" and then having a glass of wine while watching the sunset. Honestly, if you work to perfect this kind of rest, all of the others will automatically follow suit because being rest is about knowing your limits and not pushing past them. Rest well, sis.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up. We drop xoNecole events and special opportunities into our Tribe first.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- What Your Skin Needs When You're Stressed AF ›
- About To Break Down? Here Are 7 Signs You Need A Mental Health ... ›
- Boost Energy Levels When Tired Fatigue - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs You Need A Mental Health Day - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Exhausted all the time? 7 types of rest you need - More to mum ›
- The 7 Types of Rest You Need to Actually Feel Recharged | Shine ›
- There are 7 types of rest—this quiz reveals which you need | Well+ ... ›
- You May Need 7 Different Kinds of Rest ›
- Beyond Sleep: The 3 Types of Rest You Need to (Fully) Recover ›
- Improve your mental health by finding out what rest you need ›
RELATED
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
____
I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock