Need A Mental Health Day? Here's How To Ask For One
Can I be honest real quick? I'm sick and tired of society holding a "superwoman" complex on women of color (especially Black women). While yes, we are multifaceted, strong, and fearless, we also experience moments of vulnerability, confusion, and anxiety. Because of the superwoman complex that the world has placed upon on us, sometimes it makes it difficult for us to ask for what we need, because a "superwoman" doesn't need help, right?
Wrong.
Oftentimes as the minority in the office and in spaces where men (and people that don't look like us) are the majority, we never want to appear weak or inadequate - especially when we are in positions of power. However, it's time out for us feeling like we have to be a superwoman every day, and suppressing our feelings. Sis, when you're really strong, courageous, and fearless, you understand the power in being honest and asking for what you want and need. And sometimes the exact thing that you need is a personal day off for the sake of your sanity and mental state. It doesn't matter how high up the corporate ladder you are, or how lit your job title is, we all need a break (or two or three), and that's OK. It's normal, sis.
Recently, we spoke with several fearless women that are leaders in their own space. Here are their thoughts on how you can communicate when you're not at 100%, how you can ask for a mental health day, and if you're in a leadership role, how they've communicated and asked for their own mental health day when needed.
How To Ask For A Mental Health Day Off From Work
For Employees: Asking For A Mental Health Day Off From Work
Duanecia Evans, Chief of Staff for Teach For America DC Region
Photo by Kenny Bundy
"One thing that has worked for me and people I manage is building an intentional space for me to talk about not only how projects are progressing, but how energized or drained they are with specific pieces of work. When it comes to having your needs at work met, take the driver's seat.
"Normalize talking about how projects, tasks, and even teammates who are landing with you. If you have a weekly or bi-weekly check-in with your manager, add a section that supports you talking about what's on your plate and how you're feeling about it. So often we get caught up in the 'doing'.
"Some practical prompts that you can include to keep things constructive include:
- This week, (example) about this project energized me, but (example) about this project drained me.
- I enjoy working with (teammate) but would like to roleplay a difficult conversation I have to have with them about (problem that came up), can we make some time for this?"
Christa Clarke, Project Manager at Baylor College of Medicine
Courtesy of Christa Clarke
"If my direct report needs to request a mental health day or two, I don't require much. I prefer to receive advance notice so that I can adjust my responsibilities accordingly and minimize the impact of their absence. Also, I appreciate them getting their house in order beforehand. For example, reschedule your meetings in advance, block your calendar, delegate important or time-sensitive tasks to others, etc.
"However, I understand advance notice isn't always possible. We don't give advance notice for physical illness! I don't need all the specific details of why. When I have a general understanding of what is going on, how it's been impacting your work, and ways I can support you, I'm empowered to be a better boss who can effectively support you before and after your return."
Jasmine Farrar, HR Business Partner, Manager at Netflix
Courtesy of Jasmine Farrar
"In my experience as an HR Business Partner, there is often an underlying assumption that we are not to be leveraged as trusted advisors for employees at all levels; however, this couldn't be the furthest from the truth. HR Business Partners (HRBPs) are stewards of company culture, liaisons between organizational leadership and individual contributors, and advocates for all employees.
"I prefer that employees feel comfortable coming to me about any issues that may arise and that I present myself as accessible and approachable to help foster that dialogue."
For Managers: Asking For A Mental Health Day Off From Work
Duanecia Evans, Chief of Staff for Teach For America DC Region
Photo by Kenny Bundy
"As a Senior leader, it is often hard to feel like taking some time for self won't lead to more work when I return. Recently, I learned the power of a vacation memo.
"Ahead of asking for some mental health days, I prepare a vacation memo that I send to my manager, people I am on projects with and sometimes external partners. The memo gives those I'm working with a clear sense of the status of projects and who they can contact while I am away. I brief my assistant and manager on the memo, as they are typically the points of contact while I'm out, and then I go ahead and take my time off.
"The vacation memo strategy not only supports clarity of workflow but also eases my anxiety so I can fully unplug. I recognize that I am a key player in the work, there is no way for me to continue to be if I am not well."
Christa Clarke, Project Manager at Baylor College of Medicine
Courtesy of Christa Clarke
"I am an advocate for mental wellness in the workplace. I meditate in my office, often placing a sign on my door that reads, 'Meditation in progress. Do not disturb.' I've also requested mental health days when needed. Unfortunately, no matter how much I'm an advocate for mental health in the workplace, many of us may not be lucky to have bosses or work at a company that is open to the idea of mental health days. Therefore, it is important to understand the workplace culture in which you work before asking for a mental health day.
"At a previous company, I didn't believe requesting a mental health day would be respected. On days where I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, I'd just call in sick. No detailed explanation was given. It is our right to be able to use our sick days without probing questions. So, don't be afraid to do so.
"In another workplace, I maintained a great, transparent relationship with my boss. We openly discussed our stressors and mental state, and have even left the workplace for mental health breaks to grab an ice cream or a treat. When I need to request a mental health day, I simply make sure my workhouse is in order. I inform my boss that I need to take a day or two to work on my mental wellness.
"Sometimes, my mental health day is working remote to change my environment. Other times, I am unplugging."
Jasmine Farrar, HR Business Partner, Manager at Netflix
Courtesy of Jasmine Farrar
"With respect to mental health in the workplace, it's so important to understand that we cannot operate at our fullest capacity if we aren't taking care of ourselves from an emotional, spiritual, and physiological standpoint. We usually don't hesitate to share when we are sick or in need of time off to attend to a doctor's appointment. These types of conversations should extend to mental fitness as well. Company cultures may differ in terms of the level of transparency or candor amongst managers and employees but the concept of needing a mental health day should not be foreign.
"When I think of all the things that are going on in the world around us, especially with respect to people of color, we owe it to ourselves to ensure that we are continuously engaging in self-care practices.
"My best advice for employees and leaders are to work on building authentic relationships so that when conversations like these arise, they feel more natural. Leaders, check-in with your employees from time to time and move beyond status updates and project deliverables in one-on-one meetings. It's OK to ask how folks are doing. How can I help support you? Many times, the work environment is predicated upon the leadership style and they should help to model and reinforce the importance of overall well-being."
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Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published November 20, 2019
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Brittani Hunter is a proud PVAMU alumni and the founder of The Mogul Millennial, a business and career platform for Black Millennials. Meet Brittani on Twitter and on the Gram at @BrittaniLHunter and @mogulmillennial.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images