

Married at First Sight, boy. Every season, I say that I'm not gonna watch another one. However, I've shared before that the last pastor that I've ever had is Pastor Cal (life is a trip, ain't it?). Plus, this season, Ryan is someone who went to a church that I used to attend back in the day. So yep—got reeled back into the constant "wall hitting" of the show…again (who does some interesting recaps is The Bald and the Beautiful podcast). Because of that, I have witnessed, firsthand, the colossal mess that is Chris and Paige. Let me tell it, Chris definitely needs to be on Lifetime…just not that particular show. Yet…I digress.
Anyway, as I've read articles, blogs and a certain amount of social media comments about Chris and Paige's marriage, one thing that has triggered me a bit is how often I've seen folks call Paige "stupid" for trying to make her marriage work. While I will say that if you have traditional views about marriage (or if you take the Bible even halfway seriously when it comes to what it says about marriage…and divorce; I Corinthians 7 is a bit of a heavy hitter), taking the social experiment route may be a bullet that you should dodge (literally). Still, I do appreciate that Paige didn't treat Chris like some random or even a boyfriend. She viewed him as what he was/is—her husband. She took her vows seriously and tried to honor them. And, at the time that I'm writing this, she handled things with a lot of grace. Some might even say a miraculous level of it.
At the same time, that doesn't mean there weren't some profound learning moments, right? Even when I watched Paige speak on her own thoughts of herself not too long ago, she said that (not paraphrased) she realized that she needed to have a healthier perspective on relationships. And indeed, a lot of us have the same hindsight kind of wisdom. Right? Hmph. Speaking of wisdom, someone on Black Twitter said this:
That tweet? It's one for the ages because, although most of us don't choose to get into toxic situations (I say "most" because some folks who are addicted to drama do; that's another article for another time), the reality is, as one of my all-time favorite quotes reveals, "Everywhere you go, there you are." And so, whether you're just coming out of something unhealthy or you're someone who constantly gets into these kinds of relational dynamics, let's take a moment to stop looking at the person that we've been with as the sole issue and takeaway. In order to avoid toxic relationships in the future (or to end the one that you're currently in), it's essential that we put a mirror up to see what it can show us about ourselves. Let's do that today.
Do You Suck at Setting (and Keeping) Boundaries?
One of the main roles of a parent is to teach a child how to cultivate healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, because our first introduction to toxicity was our relatives, we never learned how to set good limits. What are some signs that you really could stand to improve in this particular area? Do you speak up for yourself, not just when you're not treated right but when you don't want to do something? Are you the only one who's doing the giving in your relationships? Are you a passive aggressive kind of person (you use it as a form of control or a way to get attention because you don't know how to ask directly)? Do you meet others' needs to the extent of not meeting your own? Do you "fall in love" quickly (more on that in a bit)?
While these examples merely touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to exploring if you set good limits for yourself, they are a great way to set the tone for where we're going with this piece because, the reality is, no matter how much you love, care for or desire to be with someone, it shouldn't be to the extent of not loving and caring for yourself and/or desiring to be in something that will bring out the absolute best in you. In other words, if you're prone to let a guy just say and do…whatever, that's not even a little bit good.
A healthy relationship encourages and supports mutual self-respect. If you're lacking that, something is off. Way off.
Are You Codependent?
In the article, "How To Stop Being 'Ms. Fix It' In Your Relationships", something that I touch on is codependency. So, how do you know if you're a codependent kind of person? People pleasers are oftentimes codependent. People who aren't clear on what their personal wants and needs are tend to be codependent. Those with a low sense of self-worth are usually codependent (at least on some level). Folks who are highly dependent on others (almost like a child) are typically codependent. Those who become whatever any given person wants them to be are sho 'nuf codependent. Needy people are codependent. Those who will stay in half-assed relationships because they are afraid of being alone? They too lean towards being pretty codependent.
The thing about codependent individuals is narcissists can see them from a mile away, almost like prey. Because narcissists are pretty charming individuals (more times than not), they will initially make a people pleaser (for example) feel like them doing any and everything for the narcissist is merely a sign that they care when really the codependent person has simply signed up for being used—a lot and often. You can't really know how to be in a good relationship until you know what you want out of one. Otherwise, an unhealthy person will take the reins and literally run all over you. If there's a part of you that wonders if this is your struggle, there are several online codependency tests/assessments that you can take. One of them is right here.
Do You Live in a Fantasy World?
A series that I used to watch back in the day was a show called The Client List (Jennifer Love Hewitt, Loretta Devine). If you're not familiar with it, it's a series that was based on a movie that was based on a true story about a massage spa that provided happy endings to high-end clientele; eventually, they got busted by the cops and it turned into national news. Anyway, when some of the patrons would get caught up and think that "it" was more than it was, the massagers would say, "It's a fantasy. Not a fairy tale." Hmph. To tell you the truth, I really wish folks would let go of both. A fairy tale is a story told to children or something that is misleading. That's why, when I hear women say, "I'm living for the fairy tale", more often than not, I roll my eyes. For now, let's deal with fantasies, though.
By definition, a fantasy is "imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained". Is it wrong to imagine, wish or daydream? No. At the same time, focus on what comes after "especially". Something that is unrestrained is something that is out of control. There are a lot of people who end up in absolutely ridiculous relational situations or they are taken advantage of to the utmost extreme and it's all because they live in a fantasy world. Rather than deal with reality—the truth and facts about a matter—they allow their imagination to convince them that things are—or will be—the way they want them to be rather than what they are.
I think this is a lot of what happened with Chris and Paige. The show. The wedding. Whatever Paige told herself about the show and the wedding, got her to focus on her wants more than Chris's actions. And, if you've been watching, you know how that all played out.
Whenever I think of a fantasy, a mirage often comes to mind. When people are parched in the dessert, sometimes their mind can play tricks on them and cause them to think that a pool of water is right ahead when nothing is actually there—that's how badly they want to be quenched. People who live in fantasy worlds can be very similar to this. Ben Franklin once said, "If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins." When it comes to not letting what you fantasize about "him" and your relationship getting out of control, no greater words have been spoken.
Do You Not Take Time to Heal Between Relationships?
As a marriage life coach, I think it's pretty close to insane that some people will date other people while they are separated (contrary to popular actions, separated is not divorced). Then, if they do decide to go ahead and end their marriage, they turn around and get married again, to another person, within a short period of time. When you read that back, what about that sounds like a wise thing to do? What about that doesn't sound like they are using someone else to get over their spouse or issues within the marriage? Lawd. No wonder the divorce rate only continues to go higher with every marriage (it's 67 percent for second marriages and 73 percent for the third go-around).
Remember when I said that everywhere you go, there you are? I personally believe that a huge reason why second- and third-time marriages fail so often is because a lot of people will end a marriage, thinking that it was only their spouse's fault. So, they never make the time to do some serious self-work. They don't own up to their own mistakes. They don't try and figure out how to become a better individual. Shoot, they don't even ponder if marriage is the best thing for them—now or ever. They just treat marriage like break-ups and go from person to person without really taking the time out to heal.
I don't care what the cause for a divorce or end of a romantic relationship is—there is some time that needs to be taken out to process, grieve and heal oneself before moving forward. A healed person has reconciled issues so that there is some level of peace. A healed person doesn't hold any resentment or bitterness. A healed person isn't afraid of being alone. A healed person looks back on their relationship and what it's taught them and uses words like "restored" and "improved". A healed person is whole.
It really is, probably an epidemic, the amount of folks who don't make the time to heal before getting involved with another individual. Yet don't let "the norm" keep you from being the exception in this way. Healed people are better in relationships—point blank and period. If you're constantly in toxic relationships, be honest with yourself if not taking out the time to heal could be why.
Are You a Love Addict?
Whew. Back when I first started writing for this platform, an article that got published was "6 Signs You're A Love Addict". Remember how I said earlier that one sign of sucking at establishing personal boundaries is you fall in love quickly? That alone is not healthy because, just think about it. Do you call someone "friend" in under three months (if you do, check out "Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'")? Don't you need some time to get to know a person, to watch their character and patterns, to go through some things with them before you honor them with that kind of title and role in your life? Same thing should go with romantic relationships. No doubt about it.
The reason why a lot of people get caught up in love addiction (oftentimes, without even realizing it), is they think they are simply someone who has a lot of love to give. This is why they move so fast and push so hard when, usually the actual issue is there is such a void in their life that they are giving in the hopes that someone will come and "fill their cup", so that they don't have to deal with internalized pain and fear. Something that can help a love addict to work through a lot of their stuff is a little self-love journaling (check out "Self-Love Journaling & Why You Should Be Doing It"). Something else that I recommend is coming up.
Listen, addictions are things that have gotten so out of balance that they've become super unhealthy; love addiction fits that bill. Nothing great comes out of addictive tendencies. If you sense that you are a love addict, get some help from a professional. It can help you to put love—and relationships—into their proper perspective.
Have You Never Gone to Therapy Before?
Semi-recently, while doing an interview, someone asked me why I personally thought that there was such a stigma—even still—about Black people going to therapy. I believe a lot of it has to do with church culture. Folks can have some bona fide issues or addictions and yet will partake in, what I call, "altar call therapy"—you know, going down to the altar for prayer, believing that is all that they need. For instance, I know someone who was diagnosed bipolar and refused to take their medication. For years, they were doing all kinds of destructive and even suicidal stuff, yet they refused to see a professional under the guise of "they went to the altar about it".
I'm a bible follower. I also believe that church has its place. Know what else? When the Bible says, "The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise" (Proverbs 12:15—NKJV), I wholeheartedly believe that reputable therapists, counselors and coaches fall in with that. The reality is, an altar call may help us to recognize that we've got an issue/problem and restore our faith in finding the strength to address it; however, make no mistake that some things call for a straight up series of therapy sessions.
If you keep making destructive choices and all you've been doing is "praying it away", please consider booking an appointment with a therapist. They are trained to look at things from an "outside in" perspective. And that? That could literally save your life (even if it's just the quality of your life) in the long run.
Are You Looking for Someone to Love You More than You Love You?
I have always found it interesting how much some people want to pushback on the saying, "You are what you attract." If you're one of 'em, here's a way to look at it. If you've ever been involved with someone who treated you like trash, have you ever processed what drew you to them in the first place and then, what caused you to stay? See, a lot of the times, when we hear that we are what we attract, we think that means, for instance, if they are a liar and a commitment-phobe then we must be too. Eh, that's not always or automatically the case. The bigger point is if you really loved yourself, do you think that you would be able to spot red flags sooner and definitely would end things quicker, once you saw what that person was all about?
To me, learning about what it means to truly love someone is a constant mission. Based on what I know about love at this stage of my life, aside from my late fiancé, I believe I've loved four men over the course of my lifetime. And you know what? The crap that I tolerated from all four—on different levels and in different ways—you couldn't pay me to entertain now. Not even a lil' bit. The reason why is because I love myself more. The reason why I did take their stuff at the time was because 1) I loved them more than I loved myself (there goes that codependency thing) and 2) I wanted them to love me more than I loved me.
At the time, that's what I thought love was about—if I give you all of the love in the world, you will recompense me by loving me so much whether or not I love myself enough will cease to be an issue. That's not the way love works, though. A healthy relationship happens when two people, who have a healthy understanding of self-love, reflect that soundness back to one another in a relationship—a relationship that is full of nothing but good things because love existed…way before they met each other. It existed because they loved themselves first.
Toxic relationships are hard. Very much so. The only thing harder is to not use them to see what you need to learn about yourself so that you don't have to experience things the hard way anymore. Sis, you deserve to be in something that is the very opposite of toxic and working on yourself is the key to making that happen. Please, from the bottom of my heart, make sure that you do.
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Laterras R. Whitfield On What He Wants In A 'Future Wifey' & Redefining Masculinity
In this week's episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker chopped it up with Laterras R. Whitfield, host of the Dear Future Wifey podcast, for a raw and revealing conversation about personal growth, faith, and the search for love in a way that resonates.
Laterras Whitfield Believes Men Should Pursue, Not Persuade
“Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest”
Whitfield is a big advocate of a man’s role in going confidently for the woman he wants. “Men should pursue, not persuade, and women should present, not pursue,” he said. He’s open to meeting women on social media but isn’t a fan of bold approaches. “Don’t shoot your shot at me. … Let me know you exist, and I’ll do the rest.”
His ideal woman?
“She has to be a woman of God… I judge a woman by how her friends see her… and most importantly, how she treats my kids.”
Infidelity, Redemption, and the Power of Self-Control
“Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer”
Once unfaithful in his previous marriage, Whitfield has since transformed his perspective on masculinity. “Being disciplined is the most beautiful thing you can offer. That’s what true masculinity is to me now.” He has also committed to abstinence, choosing self-control as a defining trait of manhood.
Whitfield’s journey is one of redemption, purpose, and faith—something that speaks to women who value emotional intelligence, accountability, and the power of transformation.
Rewriting the Narrative Around Black Masculinity
What masculinity, legacy, and healing mean to Whitfield today
“My dad taught me what not to be [as a man] and my mom taught me what she needed [in a man],” Whitfield said. While his father wasn’t abusive, he wasn’t emotionally or affectionately present. “Since I didn’t see it, I never got it either… I would look at my dad and say, ‘I want to be a better father.’ ”
Adoption had always been on his spirit, influenced by TV shows like Different Strokes and Punky Brewster. This mindset led him to take in his nephew as his son after a powerful dream confirmed what he already felt in his heart.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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If there is a piece of consistent sex-related advice that I give people who are considering going the distance in their relationship, it’s this: “Don’t go for someone who is simply good in bed; you’d be far better off choosing someone who actually enjoys sex.” Why do I say that? Because I’ve been doing this couples-work thing long enough to know that there are a lot — and, I mean A LOT — of people who like to manipulate or weaponize sex in order to get something that they want…and then, once they get it, suddenly sex is not a priority anymore.
One day, I might really get into just how actually evil that is (because sex is never supposed to be a bribe in a relationship). For now, though, I want to talk about how motives reveal oh so very much when it comes to physical (and even emotional) intimacy. Hmph. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes on the topic of motives: “People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs, and motives.” An author by the name of Thomas Mann said that, and indeed it does because, when you are doing something merely to get your way, that is a form of manipulation or control.
On the other hand, when you’re doing it merely for the holistic pleasure of doing so — that is when you are experiencing intimacy in the way that it was intended to be.
So, when it comes to your personal motive for sex, what is it really all about?
What Are You Really Hoping to Get Out of Sex?
When It Comes to Your ‘What’, You Always Need to Know Your WHY
Oh, I’ve got some more motives quotes for you. Psychologist Albert Ellis once said, “People have motives and thoughts of which they are unaware.” Author Paul David Trip once said, “We rarely do anything with one single motive.” It’s pretty ironic that actor Chris Noth (because if you know, you know) once said, “Since women ask me about male motives all the time, I can offer a bit of advice. If you feel like you're going to get hurt, then you shouldn't be there in the first place. That's the way I look at relationships.”
Now, before I attempt to build on these quotes, let’s first look at a very basic definition of motive:
Motive: a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious
Did you catch that? Oftentimes, when someone is moving based on a motive, the reason is hidden. Is it just me or does that sound semi-sneaky or opportunistic, right off the bat? Interestingly enough, some synonyms for motive include grounds, basis and root. All of those words make me think of the foundation of something. So, since we are talking about sex, specifically, today — before you decide to sleep with someone, you really should ask yourself what your foundational reason is and, if you’re choosing not to share it with said-partner…why is that?
Pick Your Top 3 Motives, Then Reflect
Let’s keep going. Some other synonyms for motive include aim; emotion; idea; impulse; intent; motivation; passion; rationale; occasion; incentive; consideration, and inspiration. Aight, so here’s another thing to ponder — out of these 12 words, select your top three that “connect the dots” as it relates to your motive (or motives). It could be that you feel passion for him, your intent is to show him that and, since you’ve been dating for a hot minute, you think that it’s the right occasion. In this case, what’s shady or opportunistic about that?
If that is indeed your motive, it would fall less into the “hidden” category and more in the “not obvious” once you really thought it through. On the other hand, if it’s more like you aim to have sex, because your rationale is to get some sort of incentive out of it — do you see how that’s totally different? And if indeed that is the case, WHY do you think that is okay?
Sex Is Not A Transaction — It’s An Exchange
I’m telling you, if there is one thing that I damn near loathe is how transactional sex sounds these days: “Unless you’re going to pay my bills, I’m not going to give you any.” What in the world? Listen, I don’t care how unpopular the opinion may be, sometimes — hell, oftentimes — the truth isn’t popular and the truth about copulation is IT IS AN EVEN EXCHANGE. No one should be paying you for it. He got pleasure, you got pleasure. Over and out. And if that isn’t happening, either there is more communication that needs to be going on (which is just one of the reasons why I’m not a fan of faking orgasms) or there is something “off” when it comes to you and your partner.
Whatever the case may be, before engaging in physical intimacy with someone, it’s beyond wise to spend some time getting really honest with yourself about what your motives truly are — because how we start something oftentimes sets the tone for the experience overall. Indeed, motives are a lot like cause and effect — they play a significantly profound role in determining the outcome of matters.
Real Compatibility Includes Mutual Motives
Sexual Compatibility Includes Having Mutual Motives
Okay, so now that we’ve discussed motives, in general — say that your motives are pure (and you are being really honest with yourself about that). You’re not hiding anything because there is nothing to hide. You simply feel so connected to someone that you are motivated and inspired to take things to another level.
Well, that’s where author Lebo Grand and something that he once said comes in: “Sensuality is the purest motive that exists on earth.” When something is sensual, it gratifies the senses. When something is sensual, it arouses the appetite — and yes, when you want to be intimate with someone, simply because you want to get closer to them, there is something that is very sweet, very sincere and even pure — in the sense of being authentic and real — about that.
If that is your motive, share that with your partner. If that is also his motive, then it’s time to get into what the mutual motives of what a healthy sexual relationship should be: pleasure, joy and satisfaction. Y’all, something else that messes many couples up is there is so much focus on what they want to get out of sex that they fail to fully tune in and tap into their partner — and that is unfortunate. You know why? Because it has been both my experience as well as my observation that when both people are totally invested in making sure that their partner is sexually satisfied both individuals end up feeling gratified and quenched. Yeah, a selfish motive rarely brings contentment like a selfless one does — and you can take that to the bank!
And that is why, although I think that sexual compatibility is important, you’d be amazed how much clear communication, patience and selflessness can “get you there” if sex seems awkward at first. Again, if the motives are right, goodness can come from it, even if it takes a bit of time and effort to get there.
When Your Sexual Motives Shift, Say Something
If Your Motives Shift, You Need to Speak Up
Final point. It is the Greek philosopher Heraclitus who once said, “Change is the only constant in life” and this applies to every aspect of it — including sex. That said, some of you may recall back when I wrote an article entitled, “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go.” The wife who I featured in that piece, we were recently talking about it and how she remains 10 toes down about the fact that a “big one” ain’t all it’s cracked up to be if the man who owns it is attached to a huge ego and not much else.
When I asked her to reflect on how much of her dissatisfaction was — and kinda still is — about him vs. who she now is as a person, she admitted that so much of who she is has changed from when they first got together. She’s older and so her hormones have shifted. She has spiritually evolved and so a profound emotional connection is more desired. She knows herself better and so she has some sexual needs that she never had before. And so, her motives have shifted from pretty much just having a good time (only) to longing for something…deeper.
This isn’t abnormal; many people go through this. Thing is, instead of being forthcoming with their partner, they would rather have them pick up on hints or, even worse, attempt to read their mind. Yeah, that’s not how effective communication works, y’all — if your motives for sex have changed, you’ve got to say something. Otherwise, you’re going to end up frustrated or unfulfilled…and honestly, your partner probably will too because if you are different and you don’t share it, eventually there will be a “disconnect” (and not just in the bedroom).
____
As I bring this to a close, take a moment to circle back to the first motive quote that I shared in the intro (“People’s behavior makes sense when you think about it in terms of goals, needs and motives.”). Whatever your sex life is like right now, what are your goals, needs and motives? What are his?
Figure that out and you’ll better understand where you’re at and, if you don’t like it, how to get to where you want to be.
It all begins with the right motives, sis. It really and truly does.
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