"In the name of Jesus, I bind and rebuke the spirit of depression, loneliness, self-doubt, worry, suicide, and frustration."
Whew, chile! After all of that praying and tarrying in the Spirit, sweating, oil rubbing and slinging, doing the ugly cry, calling down fire from heaven, and finally that hug -- that sweet hug of comfort -- we leave the altar with swollen eyes, a damp Kleenex and confidence that that prayer was IT! We are finally free from depression and suicidal thoughts.
But are we really?
You see, sis, I'm going to tell you something very important about depression that your Pastor or ministry leader will not tell you. And not because they forgot or don't want to tell you, but simply because they either do not have personal experience with depression, they do and have not yet received help for it, or they have the mentality that prayer and being around the saints is a good resolve for depression.
So, here's the truth:
Depression doesn't go away...ever.
OK, now that we have that out the way, let's talk.
For my Black girls who have considered suicide as a result of depression, mental illness can cripple your lifestyle socially, physically, and spiritually if you do not reach for help beyond prayer. Although the prior statement may seem like doom, let this one inspire you: There is hope. Life does get better.
You can believe in your Higher Power out loud and cope successfully with depression. How do I know? Because I live this life every day. And I've come to realize that yes, asking God to help me with my depression and suicidal tendencies has helped me tremendously. But only because I coupled that prayer with practical actions. Faith without action won't work...come on Church!
As a Black woman and minister, I have realized five important things about coping with depression:
- I can be a believer and still be depressed...and that is OK. Really honey, it is.
- I can get help to deal and cope with depression in a productive and positive manner from people and/or organizations that are not faith-based. If one more person tells me to just pray about it...chile.
- Activating my faith to cope with depression requires me to actually get up, get out, and start doing something about it. Joining a support group with like-minded individuals is LIFE! Creating a positive environment within my personal space (sage, lavender, sandalwood, anyone?) helps with your mood.
- Negative thoughts that creep into your mind when you are out living your best life will happen because depression does not go away. However, you have the power to change your thoughts to something positive.
- Choosing to use medicine your medical provider recommends is OK! If it helps you, use it and yes, you can still believe in your Higher Power and pray, girlfriend!
So, how are you going to live your life? Suffer in silence or thrive out loud? I choose the latter.
If you or someone you know is currently experiencing dark or suicidal thoughts, know that there is hope. Call the 24/7 free National Suicidal Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can find additional resources here.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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