The beginning of the month invites us to clean up the messy areas of our lives just in time for the change of seasons. You may be confronted by your own habits and compulsions that contribute to the disarray. With curiosity and compassion, you can create new patterns that are more supportive of your well-being. Restoring balance to your life is the key to experiencing more peace, joy, and satisfaction in your life. For more about your September 2021 horoscopes, check out what's in store for your zodiac sign this month:
Aries
AriesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with a New Moon on the 6th inviting you to commit to a new routine that will support a better work-life balance. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio helping you attract support from an unexpected resource. You'd be surprised by who's been watching you put in all of that hard work. When Mars shifts into Libra on the 14th, be mindful of how you approach your relationships. Partnerships can be tested during this time if you're not considerate of the other person's needs.
Compromise isn't such a bad thing when everyone gets to win, Aries.
The Full Moon on the 20th is the perfect time to wrap up karmic cycles that are holding you back from reaching the next level in life. Cut out the dead weight and be open to the new experiences that await. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra, making this a good time to adjust your boundaries where necessary and to renegotiate any contracts that aren't suiting your needs. If you're getting into any new contracts, try to do so before Mercury goes Retrograde on the 27th.
Taurus
TaurusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleA harmonious New Moon on the 6th gets September started off on the right foot for you, Taurus. Make some time for pleasure, romance, and play as much as you make time for achieving your goals. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio, helping you get a little closer to others.
Let your guards down and allow those closest to you to experience your tenderness.
When Mars enters Libra on the 14th, you're motivated to create more balance in your daily routine and physical body. The Full Moon on the 20th illuminates the intentions of those around you, helping you to clarify who you need to keep close and who should be loved from a distance. When the Sun shifts into Libra on the 22nd, consider practices that can benefit your mental and physical wellness--such as breath work, meditation, yoga, or spending a little more time in nature. On the 27th, Mercury goes Retrograde which could invite you to revisit a health regimen or routine that you've benefited from previously.
Gemini
GeminiLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe New moon on the 6th brings your attention to matters of family and home, Gemini. Be mindful of tension arising due to a lack of balance between household responsibilities and work. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio which could have you garnering the attention of some hidden enemies that don't enjoy seeing how successful you've been in the workplace. Protect your energy with prayer, spiritual baths, or some Black Obsidian to ward off the evil eye. When Mars enters Libra on the 14th, it's time to have some fun! You've been all work and no play.
Be more intentional about doing something for pleasure.
The Full Moon on the 20th is challenging you to find the balance between you-time, your career goals, and the needs of your family. You can't fill anyone from an empty cup so don't feel guilty for taking a step back from all of your various responsibilities--even if just for a day. On the 22nd, the Sun shifts into Libra revitalizing your inner child and your desire to create. Go to an art museum, write a song, hit up Hobby Lobby--do all of the things that your creative genius needs to feel life isn't just about adulting. On the 27th, your ruling planet, Mercury, goes Retrograde, making this a good time to tie up loose ends on a project you've been procrastinating on.
Cancer
CancerLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with a harmonious New Moon on the 6th encouraging you to be a little kinder to yourself, Cancer. Oftentimes, we're our own worst critic. Seek to see yourself through the eyes of the person who loves you most. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio inviting you to open up to the creative and sexual healing available to you through self-pleasure or an intimate connection with another soul. When Mars enters Libra, you could find yourself in the midst of some family drama with you being chosen as the mediator (what's new?).
Protect your peace and allow other people to fight their own battles.
The Full Moon on the 20th sets you up for a spiritually transcendental experience that reminds you of just how limitless, powerful, and magical you truly are. On the 22nd, the Sun shifts into Libra encouraging you to get your home prepared for the change of seasons on the horizon. Decorating your space for Spooky Season can be just what you need to help you feel more grounded. On the 27th, Mercury goes Retrograde making this a good time to revisit plans about relocating, buying/selling a home, and family planning.
Leo
LeoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month kicks off with a New Moon on the 6th inviting you to get serious about your finances. After a lavish birthday season, it's time to reel in the spending and get yourself back on a budget, Leo. Consider new ways of expanding your income to support the extravagant lifestyle you want to live. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio which has you feeling stretched thin between your family's expectations and what you want for yourself.
When Mars enters Libra on the 14th, you're feeling extra spicy so you shouldn't have a hard time speaking up for your needs and asserting your boundaries.
The Full Moon on the 20th can be an emotional time for you. Stock up on plenty of Kleenex and red wine to see you through it. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra, making this a good time to hit the books or scour the internet for information on a hobby or project that you want to perfect. Try not to overdo it on the caffeine. Your thirst for knowledge needs to be balanced with time to eat and rest as well. On the 27th, Mercury goes Retrograde which could have you revisiting an old conversation or tying up loose ends on a project.
Virgo
VirgoLaci Jordan for xoNecoleSeptember kicks off with a New Moon in your sign on the 6th inviting you to make a wish for what you want to manifest in this next year. Dream big and watch how the Universe matches your energy in magical ways. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio drawing lots of attention your way. Intense connections can form during this transit that help you and others feel seen on a much deeper level, Virgo.
When Mars enters Libra on the 14th, you're focused on solidifying new contracts that will ultimately increase your earning potential.
The Full Moon on the 20th can result in the end of a contract with a client, employer, or partnership but trust that this only creates space for an opportunity or person that is more in alignment with you. On the 22nd, the Sun enters Libra which is revitalizing your self-esteem and reinforcing just how amazing you are. A readjustment of your personal, and financial, boundaries may be necessary in response to this growing recognition of your value. On the 27th, Mercury goes Retrograde so be prepared to revisit some existing agreements and to renegotiate a contract. It's important that you get everything on the table so everything can move forward seamlessly once Mercury goes direct next month.
Libra
LibraLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with a New Moon inviting you to cut out anything that is draining your life force so you can enter into your new year feeling light and refreshed. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio, encouraging you to redefine your relationship values. If your connections have been a little too surface level, you could be craving something deeper. Look within yourself to see how you've been reinforcing relationships that don't provide you with the intimacy you need. On the 14th, Mars shifts into your sign which makes it easier for you to assert yourself and your boundaries.
It's time to take ownership of the world that you are weaving, Libra.
The Full Moon on the 20th is a good time to detox from anything (and anyone) that is weighing you down. Striking a balance between your need for self-care and your responsibilities comes into focus during this time. Your birthday season officially begins when the Sun shifts into your sign on the 22nd, providing you with a much-needed boost of energy. When Mercury goes Retrograde on the 27th, life slows down for the next few weeks giving you a chance to reflect on recent changes and decisions you've made to wrap up certain cycles in your life.
Scorpio
ScorpioLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe New Moon on the 6th invites you to expand your social network, Scorpio. Get outside of your comfort zone and meet some new people that inspire you to grow. On the 10th, Venus enters your sign, making you a magnet for good fortune, divine opportunities, and a whole lot of love. Open your heart to receive all of the blessings available to you. When Mars shifts into Libra on the 14th, your energy levels may be waning.
Get plenty of rest during this transit and be mindful of repressed anger that has more of a tendency to pop out when you're not taking good care of yourself.
The Full Moon on the 20th is a supportive time for revealing a creative project or indulging in some pleasure. Romance is in the air, making this the perfect date night. On the 22nd, the Sun joins Mars which is kicking up the aggression (and possibly some violent dreams). Take note of what your subconscious may be trying to communicate to you. Energy leaks will become all the more apparent during this transit, especially when Mercury goes Retrograde on the 27th. Given the more introspective nature of this transit, you'll be able to gain more clarity into the root of any anger, resentment, or depletion.
Sagittarius
SagittariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month brings your attention to your career goals, which may be shifting with this New Moon on the 6th. As much as it's nice to make money, you may find yourself considering how you can be of service to others through the work that you offer to the world. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio which could have you attracting some intense connections that may be borderline toxic. You can't save everybody (or really anyone for that matter).
The S on your chest doesn't stand for "Superwoman"--it stands for Sagittarius. Let people handle their own problems.
On the 14th, Mars shifts into Libra bringing your focus to your friendships. Any imbalances will be harder to ignore which could have you pulling back or seeking connection elsewhere. The Full Moon on the 20th gives you an opportunity to make peace with your more vulnerable side that may not have been nurtured in your childhood. On the 22nd, the Sun shifts into Libra, motivating you to collaborate with like-minded people that can help you bring your vision into reality. The month wraps up with Mercury going Retrograde, giving you a chance to breathe new life into an old dream.
Capricorn
CapricornLaci Jordan for xoNecoleSeptember begins on an optimistic note with you looking to expand your horizons around the New Moon on the 6th. Going back to school, committing to a new spiritual practice, or traveling overseas may be on your to-do list. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio which helps you deepen your connections with your friends, Capricorn. Be mindful of possessive and controlling energies that can put a damper on the good vibes. When Mars shifts into Libra on the 14th, you're feeling the pressure to make some major boss moves.
Securing contracts, sponsorships, and other partnerships will be a key to your success.
The Full Moon on the 20th heightens your ability to communicate with the spiritual realm. Pay close attention to your dreams. Your ancestors and guides have something they want to communicate to you (and possibly through you). When the Sun shifts into Libra on the 22nd, your motivation to build your legacy needs to be tempered if someone else is involved. You could be coming off even more bossy than usual. Everyone moves at a different pace. Try to lead by example, not by force. On the 27th, Mercury goes Retrograde, giving you a chance to revise any existing contracts and agreements. Read the fine print before getting into any new partnerships during the Retrograde.
Aquarius
AquariusLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe beginning of the month is a bit more introspective for you with the New Moon on the 6th, Aquarius. Spend some time in self-reflection by journaling or catching up with your therapist. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio which supports you in conquering your to-do list regarding your career goals. As distracting as the energies may be around you, you're locked into achieving your goals and putting the rest of the world on pause for a bit.
When Mars shifts into Libra on 14th, your wanderlust is gnawing at you to take a break--at least for a pre-Mercury Retrograde vacation.
The Full Moon on the 20th provides you with some miraculous financial breakthroughs that you've been praying for. Treat this blessing as the gift that it is before you go on a shopping spree. Save some money and pay off some of your debt first. On the 22nd, the Sun shifts into Libra, making this a good time to go back to school, sign up for a workshop, or reconnect with your spiritual practice. The month wraps up with Mercury going Retrograde on the 27th, giving you a chance to revisit a former practice or study that brought balance to your life.
Pisces
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecoleThe month begins with a New Moon on the 6th encouraging you to (re)establish your boundaries based upon your changing needs and desires. Understand that your boundaries are just as fluid as you are and will routinely need to be communicated to those around you, Pisces. On the 10th, Venus enters Scorpio helping you dive deeper into your spiritual studies and practices. This is an extremely regenerative time for you requiring solitude for you to fully tap into the benefits. When Mars shifts into Libra on the 14th, you're diving deep to explore the root of any imbalances in your life--particularly within your relationships.
Any repetitive patterns and lessons you're experiencing may need another unbiased perspective. Talking through it with a therapist can glean insight into your blindspots.
The Full Moon on the 20th takes place in your sign, liberating you from the confines of expectations from others. It's time to take back control of your life by letting go of the unnecessary stress and pressure that comes with trying to make everyone happy. That's not your job. Happiness is an inside job. Hand that responsibility back over to who it belongs to. The Sun shifts into Libra on the 22nd, helping you strike a balance within any financial partnerships you're a part of. Keep a close eye on your budget and spending habits to become more fiscally responsible. The month wraps up with Mercury going Retrograde, helping you clear out some karma regarding intimacy and connection to others.
Featured image by Laci Jordan for xoNecole
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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