Learning To "Fight Fair" Can Save Your Marriage
I remember a wife once saying to me, "If, while on your honeymoon, you don't have at least one moment when you don't look over at your husband and say to yourself, 'What the hell is wrong with this guy?', you probably aren't taking your marriage very seriously yet." While I do personally know some couples who had wonderful-drama-free honeymoons, I totally get her point. When two people sign up to share a name (sometimes), bed and bills, that can bring about a kind of intimacy that is beautiful—and also quite taxing. After all, you didn't marry your clone; you married someone you love who is their own person. This means, at some point, you and they are not always going to see eye to eye. That's just the way it is.
From money, family and time-management issues to intimacy expectations and learning how to prioritize kids, work, other relationships and rules to help the house to run smoothly, challenges are going to transpire. The butting of the heads is going to come up. The key is learning how to fight fair. And here are a few tips for how to do just that.
Get the Word “Fight” Out of Your Mind
When it comes to marriage, I've shared before that I'm not a fan of the word "vulnerable" being used between long-term couples. Vulnerable speaks to making oneself susceptible to being attacked. Instead, I prefer the word "dependent" which speaks to relying on someone for support and aid.
OK, so when it comes to spouses disagreeing, I don't care for the word "fight" either. Fighting is battling. Fighting is contending. Fighting is war. And if you go into a disagreement with your partner with a "this is war" mentality, there are bound to be some wounds along the way.
This doesn't mean that I'm someone who thinks that it's unhealthy to not agree and express why. In fact, whenever a couple tells me that they never disagree, I tend to give them major side-eye (even if it's only in my mind) because that usually means someone either isn't being their 100 percent genuine self or they are internalizing their true thoughts and emotions. All I'm saying is "arguing" (to present reasons for or against a thing) is a much healthier and productive word. So, in the quest to always "fight fair" with your spouse, it's a really good idea to try and pull the word "fight" out of it.
Choose a Time When You’re Not Already at Your Limit
Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine who was tired and drained. I chuckled at least three times in our conversation because, while she's normally the half-glass-full kind of person, on this particular day, she was taking no prisoners. Twitter was pissing her off. Emails were pissing her off. Her daughter's dirty room was pissing her off. The dogs were pissing her off. Pretty much everything was pissing her off. So, when her husband called to run something by her real quick, she snapped at him, hung up and then went on to talk about how he was getting on her last nerve too.
"Did you get any rest last night?" I asked. She took a couple of deep breaths and then explained that she tossed and turned all night and had to be up early that next morning. "I'm exhausted and over it," she admitted.
When you know that you are already "spent", that is absolutely the wrong time to have a long conversation with your spouse; especially if you know there's a pretty good chance that there will be some bumps in the road while you're having it. When we're worn out or already stressed to the limit, we're overly sensitive, easily triggered and, let's be honest, oftentimes looking for someone to take our frustrations out on. So, when you know you're not your best self—or even close—wait until you've taken a nap, had a meal, worked out, meditated…done something to take the edge off. That way, you can go into your conversation with a clear mind and your spouse won't automatically feel like they need to go on the defensive…which almost always makes things so much bigger than they actually have to be.
Make Sure That Your Partner Feels Heard and Respected
Ruth Bell Graham once said that the first duty of love is to listen. While that might seem mad simplistic, there is so much wisdom in that resolve. I mean, I don't know about you, but in the top 10 of times when I feel the most disrespected, it's when someone is 1) cutting me off while I'm talking; 2) misinterpreting what I'm saying and/or 3) not validating my thoughts and feelings simply because they aren't the same as theirs. For whatever the reason, God wired us to not feel truly connected to people unless they are willing to hear us out, process what we say and then give a thoughtful/beneficial response. If you want your conversation with your partner to be a progressive one, make sure that you are intentional about hearing them all the way out, that you honor what they say, and that you require that they do the same thing for you.
Let “Last Word Syndrome” Go
If you Google "last word syndrome", something that you'll notice a lot of articles agree on is the fact that the person who always feels the need to get the last word in is 1) typically an egomaniac and 2) somehow, in their mind, believing that so long as they get the final statement in, somehow they've won. Listen, if you live long enough on this planet, you realize that winning an argument isn't usually all that it's cracked up to be. No money is earned. Sometimes no resolution has come about. All you get is the bragging rights of trumping someone else and that "win" is really short-lived.
I'll actually raise my hand in this case and confess that I used to be the kind of person who needed to get the last word in most of the time. A part of it was because I didn't feel very heard in my own home while growing up (because the adults made sure they always got the last word...hmm). A part of it is because I like to debate. And, a part of it is because I didn't realize how much I was exhausting others—until they told me.
Look, if you're someone who is addicted to getting the last word in, don't assume that just because your spouse "lets you" that you are a forensics debate team champion or something. 7 times out of 10, they are probably just sick of verbally sparing with you, so they've probably checked out of the conversation. That doesn't mean you've won. That means they're done listening to you. Let that marinate for a moment. What could possibly be good about that?
Take Responsibility Where It Applies to You. Require Accountability Where It Applies to Them.
While I can't even begin to speak for all married couples, I will say that, when it comes to the ones that I have worked with, one of the biggest breakdowns in communication comes from someone deflecting when they don't want to take responsibility for their actions (or lack thereof) and/or someone not wanting to be held accountable for theirs. I don't know what in the world makes us think that the whole "You do it too" defense in an argument is mature, let alone helpful, but it is indeed what a lot of us do, isn't it? Rather than taking the time to think about what we may have done to cause drama or dissension, we'd prefer the other party to take all of the heat and all of the blame. The problem with that is, rarely is something ever ALL one person's fault or problem. Plus, never wanting to own what is yours prevents real resolution from happening in the long run.
It's grown folks who see where they need to take full responsibility for their words or actions. Equally as grown are the people who are willing to be held accountable wherever accountability applies. And, I think we all can agree that marriage is definitely for grown people. So, make sure you take this point, especially, into your discussions with your partner. Things can get resolved much quicker if/when you do.
Be Solutions-Oriented
Wanna know the difference between someone who wants to find a solution to an argument or issue vs. someone who simply wants to be right? The solutions-oriented person isn't going to invest a whole lot of time and energy into going back and forth. They are going to want to present their side, hear the other person's side, and find a way to meet in the middle so that they can move on to the next. Meanwhile, the "right guy" will drag disagreements on for hours, days and weeks even, so long as they feel like the end result is them getting their way. Which one sounds like a mature adult? Which one sounds childish AF?
If you want to, not only "fight fair" with your spouse, but also make the "fight" worth your while, it's important to take a solutions-oriented approach. Define the actual problem. Express your feelings while not forgetting the role that logic, facts and truth need to be factored in as well (because our feelings aren't always based on any of these things). Be as clear as you can in stating your case while being open-minded to what your partner has to say. Watch your tone and body language (encourage them to do the same). Avoid saying or doing things that will ultimately only cause more problems. Make peace the ultimate goal. Do this and not only will you slowly yet surely learn how to master fighting fair, but you'll look up and realize that you and yours are fighting a lot less too. And how awesome is that?
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
A Simple Guide To Angel Investing For Black Women To Thrive
Two years ago, Hannah Bronfman, heiress, social media influencer, entrepreneur, and author of Do What Feels Good, shared her IVF, pregnancy, and motherhood journey with xoNecole, but she's also shared her experience with another amazing journey: becoming a passionate angel investor.
Last month, via her TikTok, she shared that she has invested in more than 70 companies in the past five years, and that angel investing “sits at the intersection of basically everything I do.”
@hannahbronfman Angel Investing Pt 2. Turning Obstacles into Opportunities #startup #investing #finance #business #womeninbusiness #entrepreneur #angelinvestor #blackgirlmagic #cpg #startuptalk
She continued with details on how she once co-founded a venture and faced challenges with getting funding. “I had a difficult time fundraising and was met with all the ‘isms,’ so I just wanted an opportunity to share those learnings with other founders,” she added in the video. (Her Beautified app would eventually get $1.2 million in seed funding and give StyleSeat some tough competition.)
“It was notable that a young Black female started a beauty tech company back in 2013 and the world wasn’t ready for it. And the world isn’t ready for more people of color in the venture capital world. So I’m here to just use my platform to open doors and share knowledge.”
This month, she dropped more jewels, schooling her more than 100,000 TikTok followers about what it takes for a business to qualify for angel investment and highlighting Topicals, a mega-successful skincare company co-founded by Olamide Olowe, the youngest Black woman ever to raise $10 million in funding. The company is one that Bronfman has invested in. (Oh, by the way, other investors in Topicals include Gabrielle Union, Kelly Rowland, entrepreneur and former Netflix exec Bozoma Saint John, and Yvonne Orji.)
@hannahbronfman The topic is Topical 👏🏽👏🏽 @TOPICALS @Olamide Ayomikun Olowe #startup #investing #finance #business #womeninbusiness #entrepreneur #angelinvestor #startuptalk #cpg #blackgirlmagic #skincare #beauty
Some of you might be reading all of this—heiress, Hollywood’s Black Elite, and millions of dollars—and saying to yourself, “Well, that’s for rich folk,” and you’d be somewhat right. The average net worth of an angel is $1 million (or at least $200,000 in annual salary). On top of that, Black and Brown women founders often face unique struggles when it comes to getting funding for their businesses, including biases associated with race and sex, and make up a small drop in the bucket when compared with the funding successes of startup entrepreneurs getting millions of dollars from their affluent white-male (and very well-connected) peers to make their entrepreneurial dreams come true. And even many of the Black women-led exceptions get funding from celebrity friends or other well-connected links to big money.
But there are indeed everyday professionals, entrepreneurs, and activists seeking to balance the playing field when it comes to investing in the ideas and startups of Black and Brown women, and they're rallying together to create opportunities for others to join them.
This is where some of us can do our part to get involved, put our money where our mouths are, and fund the next billion-dollar Black-owned empire (while building our own generational wealth off the dividends). Let’s get into a few basics of angel investing:
First Off, What Is Angel Investing?
Well, it’s not to be confused with family and friends donating money to help you make your side hustle the main one. Angel investing involves a savvy and committed investor—taking a high risk and expecting a high gain—who goes into a legal agreement to offer funds for the upstart and/or growth of a new business, particularly when the founder can’t get a traditional loan or funding by other means. The practice was made infamous by Broadway producers who relied on “angels” to support and fund their productions.
There’s typically an expectation of equity or the value of an investor’s stake in the company. Also, angels are more likely to invest in a great idea, unlike a venture capitalist firm, which requires a business to be a proven hit in the market (among other things). Forbes reports that oftentimes, angels invest after a startup company’s initial investment and before they need larger sums from venues like venture capitalists.
Today, angel investing has become a powerful method for funding Black and Brown women-led businesses since these enterprises have seen a decline and are often shut out when it comes to venture capital funding. Angel investing is a great way for everyday citizens to put their dollars behind a business they see is viable, has a solid business plan, has an actual market to serve, and can offer something in a way that solves a problem. (In Topical’s case, for example, had all of those elements in its favor when it launched in 2020, offering inclusive science-based solutions for common skin issues like eczema and featuring everyday models in their ads, embracing imperfections and normalizing depictions of a diverse range of natural aesthetics relatable to the masses.)
Who Can Become An Angel Investor?
While the net worth of the average angel investor is quite high, the minimum amount someone can invest in a company as an angel can vary (like this woman, who started with a $7,000 investment in NasaClip, a company founded by a savvy Black woman ER physician.)
And while accreditation is encouraged (and sometimes required based on some platform’s requirements related to income and other factors), it’s not a legal requirement for an individual to be an angel investor. Everyday professionals, philanthropists, and entrepreneurs, basically classified as non-accredited) get involved via angel investment groups, equity crowdfunding, or angel networks. Some groups have membership fees, while others bring together like-minded women who want to support one another in researching, vetting, and investing in promising budding businesses.
Source: Pexels
Look into networking events, pitch competitions, bootcamps, or courses offered by organizations and platforms like the Institute for Entrepreneurial Leadership, Black Women Talk Tech, Pipeline Angels. AfroTech, The Black Enterprise Disruptors Summit, Level, or Black Girl Ventures.
With angel investing, the risks are high—which these types of investors are often well aware of—and there are challenges and pitfalls, but if you have the disposable income to offer, and you're willing to do lots of networking, conduct lots of research (on groups, investment platforms, and the companies), and commit to intentional, strategic planning of how often and how much you're willing to invest, angel investing is a great way to build wealth while supporting the growth and survival of Black and Brown businesses.
And who knows, maybe you can gather your network and their coins and create an angel investment support group or firm yourself. With Black women’s buying power still standing strong at $1.5 trillion and a collective move to support women entrepreneurs through actual schmoney, a change is certainly on the horizon.
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Featured image via Pexels