Wanna feel old real quick…or at least ponder how fast time flies? In two years, the trilogy known asFifty Shades of Grey will be a whopping 10 years old. What in the world? I’ll admit, had it not been for an organization that I was working with at the time asking me to watch it (or was it suffer through? It’s a coin toss most days) so that I could talk about it on their podcast, I’d probably remain clueless about a lot of its content to this day.
That doesn’t mean I didn’t catch how much of a phenomenon it was for so many women at the time, though; especially white ones. Kinda wild how many ladies said that they hated the entire concept of submission, and yet they were all down to take it up about 10 notches with a certain Christian Grey…oh, but I digress.
Anyway, because you couldn’t go to really any website for a while without the topic of the book series or films coming up, I do remember that many sex experts decided to use all of the hype as an opportunity to get women to feel more comfortable with tapping into their sexual fantasies in order to intensify their sexual experiences. And that’s just what we’re gonna touch on today.
If orgasms are (currently) difficult for you or they aren’t as consistent as you would like (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”) one thing could help you to hit your goal — yep, fantasizing more. I’ll explain.
Never Underestimate Your Biggest Sex Organ
GiphyIsn’t it wild that, when it comes to looking for sex hacks that will help to improve our sex lives, the first thing that we usually think about is ways to stimulate our genitalia when the reality is that we should be prioritizing a part of the body that is much farther north than that? Even though I’m pretty sure that most of you have at least heard somewhere before that your biggest sex organ is your brain, how much do you focus on that fact in order to ultimately improve your sex life?
Maybe it’s because, although that point makes sense on the surface, you need a bit more intel on why that is actually the case. The reality is, there are several reasons. For one thing, when you have sex, it impacts your brain on a myriad of levels. It triggers a wealth of feel-good hormones. It lowers your stress and anxiety levels. It “turns on” different parts of your brain (females especially). It helps to treat depression. It even improves your cognitive function as you get older.
That alone is the reason why so many sex experts don’t find sex to be as “easily casual” as our culture would like to portray. For instance, I once read an article that featured an interview with a chief scientific adviser for Match.com (at least she was at the time the article was published). Her name is Helen Fisher, and she said that the way dopamine affects your brain during sex…let’s just say that it’s so powerful that she says (and I quote), “It’s not casual because when you have sex with somebody, and it’s pleasurable, it drives up the dopamine system in the brain. That can push you over the threshold into falling in love.”
Now, it’s another message for another time, what Albert Einstein once said about “falling in love” (“Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”) because loving someone follows a series of steps and choices. However, I think you get her overall point.
Just like oxytocin is considered to be a “love hormone” (a hormone that bonds you to another person during intimacy), dopamine ain’t nothin’ to play with either. And since science is pretty much unavoidable when it comes to sex, what all of this confirms (I could’ve given you more examples, but for the sake of time and space…) is your brain is all up in your sex life, like it or not.
And since your brain plays such a pivotal, powerful, and intricate role in intimacy, it makes all of the sense in the world why your fantasies would, too.
No, Your Fantasies Shouldn’t Bother You
GiphyA professor by the name of Mason Cooley once said, “Fantasy mirrors desire. Imagination reshapes it.” Filmmaker Guillermo del Toro once said, “There is art and beauty and power in the primal images of fantasy.” Author Nancy Friday once said, “Fantasy isn’t something that you run out of.” And just what is a fantasy? Probably the most basic way to define it is it’s your imagination when there are very little, if any, restraints put on it.
And when it comes to sexual fantasies, in general, what are some of the most popular ones?
- Voyeurism (watching people)
- Exhibitionism (being watched)
- Sex in public
- Role-playing
- Super over-the-top romantic sex
For the record, these are some of the most common ones, although publications like Women’s Health share many more (they have 30 of ‘em) that are pretty common too (you can check their list out here).
That said, if you can relate to any of these and a part of you is embarrassed, uncomfortable, or flat-out worried about when your mind has gone, most sex experts say that you shouldn’t be — especially when it comes to the five that I specifically mentioned. Just because you think up something, that doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to act it out; again, fantasies are simply something that helps to fuel your imagination.
Fantasizing can also help to prevent boredom in the bedroom and even “trigger” your body to become more aroused and ready for coitus. And we all know that the more aroused we are before sex even transpires, the more likely it will be that sex will end with a “bang!” (pun intended and not intended…LOL). And that’s exactly why fantasizing can totally help you out in the orgasm department.
What You Should Do About Your Sexual Fantasies
GiphySo, now that you hopefully feel more at ease about the sexual fantasies that you’ve been having, how can you incorporate them into your sex life so that you can have more pleasurable and satisfying sex with your partner?
Share some of your fantasies with your partner and encourage them to do the same. Again, the greatest sex organ is your brain, so if you want to build trust and a stronger connection with the person who you’re having sex with, let them deeper inside of your thoughts. It will make you feel less vulnerable as you boost your own sexual self-confidence. Plus, it will help them to learn more about you. Don’t forget to let them do the same thing…for the same reasons.
Remember that fantasies are just that. I remember an episode of King of Queens where Doug shared with Carrie some of the women he fantasized about — random folks like her nail tech or one of his mom’s friends, and she damn near lost it. For the record, fantasizing about someone and lusting for them to the point of desiring them and then wanting to act on it can sometimes be a fine line (based on how strong your relationship is), yet more times than not, folks don’t even want to go through the steps make their fantasies come true. Why?
Well, for one thing, they don’t want to ruin what they have with their partner, and two — getting to know the person on that type of level would literally ruin the fantasy. Besides, don’t be out here acting like you haven’t thought about what it would be like to have sex with someone else. Besides, again, actually, hearing about each other’s thoughts in this way can also build trust because, if you both know and don’t spazz out, that makes it easier to share other innermost thoughts, needs, and ideas.
Create a “safe word.” As we end this, back to the movie that I referenced in the intro. If you did happen to stomach one or all three parts of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, you probably remember that Christian and Anastasia came up with safe words — these were words to let each other know when things were going from sexy to uncomfortable. That said, say that you want to actually try having sex in a movie theater or participating in some form of BDSM (which is also another popular fantasy), and you end up wanting to stop at some point. A safe word lets your partner know to immediately halt things so that you can process if you want to catch your breath and keep going or stop altogether.
_____
If you’ve read my content on here long and consistently enough, you know that it’s pretty normal for me to throw in a song for good measure. Today, “push play” on the throwback from Intro, “Come Inside.” Why? Well, there’s a part in there where the lead singer says, “I'm thinking about you/The last time we made love/And I fantasize/So many things that I dream of.” Let the song get you in the mood (‘cause if it won’t, I don’t know what will), pull out your phone, text your man a fantasy, ask him to share one in return, and I’d bet my next paycheck that it will already get you well on your way to some, let’s call them “heightened experiences”. #wink
Use your brain to tap into your sexual imagination.
Let it fuel the ride to some mind-blowing orgasms.
At the end of the day, that’s what sexual fantasies are designed to (ultimately) do, sis.
Enjoy…ENJOY.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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