We Teach Female Entrepreneurs How To Succeed In Their Investment Pitch
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Vivian's, Sasha's, and Dr. Tracy's (founders of Flourish Media Conference) story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
Black women are extremely excluded from the investment world.
Grossly.
In fact, the numbers have dropped. When we started hosting our annual conference four years ago, women saw 5 percent of business funding—if that. Now, depending on the report, that number is less than 1 percent. These numbers have been stagnant, and backing women has suddenly become trendy with big businesses hosting pitch competitions, awarding 6-figure checks for photo opportunities that tell a glorious story about female support and blah blah blah, *insert supportive stats here*
But make no mistake about it, scaling a business takes real money.
We created a safe space for women to come learn about best practices in excelling as an entrepreneur, all while placing you in front of investors. We packed it up, created avenues, and decided to have the conversation.
This is when Flourish Media Conference was born.
Photo Courtesy of Flourish Media Conference
Here's why: as a team, we have attended more than 100 conferences, but never quite felt like panelists were speaking to us. There was always something missing—whether it be speakers that understand the struggle of a female entrepreneur, being of color in spaces that we don't already exist, brands that focus on the needs of people of color, or successful unconventional young entrepreneurs speaking on trials and tribulations of reverse ageism.
We wanted to create a space that didn't have the fluff. We wanted people to attend our conferences and leave with actual action steps, relationships, or tangible items to propel their entrepreneurial journey. We're not here to be your beauty guru. We're here to tell you how many times we fell on our asses before learning how to be a player in the game.
And we strengthen your tenacity along the way.
If you had access to $15 million in capital, what would you do? How would you pitch? How would you invest? How would you position yourself to be successful?
That's what FMC is all about.
They say that good things come in threes, right? Here's each of our advice on how to be the ultimate entrepreneur in a world where we aren't often acknowledged:
Sasha | @iamsashar
Becoming an entrepreneur was always in my cards growing up. Both my parents were entrepreneurs, as was the majority of my family, so getting a job was never in the forefront of my mind. I also grew up in a strict Haitian household where all we did was Leglise, l'ecole ak lekay (translation: church, school and home). My parents only asked me to get good grades, be a servant of God, and go to college. Given that, I had the opportunity to be in the art club, run for student government, learn to sew, and really find myself creatively. Looking back now I was a minipreneur preparing myself for the life I have now.
I made my way into the creative world as a clothing designer and hair stylist in Miami after I graduated from Florida International University, until I decided to refocus and give back to my country of Haiti. My vision with all the businesses I have, was to move the female agenda forward.
We assembled Flourish Media Co. after finding a void in the black female entrepreneurial space. Vivian was starting her second company I came on board to help her with branding. Our contacts list from years and years of work made funding dollars available and we began introducing female, small business owners to willing investors. We knew that we wanted attendees to get the best information we had to offer. We knew we wanted to highlight using media to grow a business.
But our first year had no mercy on us and I am pretty sure I cried a lot.
We went into it like this will be great, we can totally do this ourselves! ...but very quickly learned building a team and learning how to delegate tasks would save us a lot of mental breakdowns when someone brings you kelly green balloons and not forest green balloons (I had a level 50 meltdown that day haha).
Eventually, we got into the swing of things, and became influencers in the industry. Now, my only goal is to pay it forward in every avenue that I have access to—and even those that I don't.
My most significant lessons in entrepreneurship:
- Build a team you trust. You can't do it all by yourself.
- Don't do things that make you unhappy. It drives my business partners crazy but I will politely excuse myself from situations that disturb my energy.
- Be flexible! You can always have a plan but sometimes the plan needs to change for the better. I am never so planted on an idea that I can't hear what God is telling me.
- And while competition is healthy, collaboration is key.
I'll see you ladies at the top.
Vivian | @vivianolo
I have a fantastic relationship with money. I just understand it. I understand that money is our way of saying 'thank you' for a job well-done. I knew that, even when I was underpaid and stressed out over bills.
Traditional career planning gave me the chance to work on fantastic projects with Disney Corporation, The Wall Street Journal, Miami International Airport, Coldwell Banker Residential Real Estate and the Miami Heat. My career put me in rooms with CEOs of major banks, high profile real estate professionals, and celebrities. I quickly learned that profitable business systems are transferable. Ask me and I'll certainly tell you all about it.
I grew up surrounded by safe choices in non-traditional environments. Both of my parents are immigrants who joined the United States military. My father is from Nigeria. My mother is from Panama. I was born in Germany. An exotic origin story to say the least. I attended 8 different schools in 4 different states, collecting friends along the way. Despite moving around often, my parents went out of their way to build structure for myself and my brothers. My parents encouraged me to try new things which built my confidence. They taught me to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
But creating a business went against everything I grew up seeing. My parents are first-generation Americans, US military veterans, and teachers. They believed in me, but they didn't have any advice to give me about running a business. I had to go out and find mentors.
Finding a group of like-minded people to bounce ideas [off of] makes all the difference for me. I highly recommend it.
Yet, even with success, I can always remember thinking, what if no one shows up?
My most significant lessons in entrepreneurship:
- Content is king and time management is vital. If you've never done an event it's easy to let ego get in your way. You might think you need to be flashy, have celebrity speakers, and fancy gift bags but that's a lie. Your people will find you.
- Get clear on why you're bringing people together and express that clearly. Those people who want what you're offering will show up.
- If you want to go fast, go alone but if you want to go far, get a team. There are so many lessons to learn along the way. I find that I enjoy the journey because I have a strong support team.
- I cannot express how much you need a sales plan. The hardest part about producing any event, is putting people in the seats. Don't forget that part.
Ladies, it's our responsibility to take care of all women. It's your responsibility too.
Dr. Tracy | tracytimberlake
My concept of entrepreneurship was pretty skewed. In college, two of my professors specifically told me I should start my own business. But that sounded like sales, yuck! It wasn't until I started my YouTube channel that I realized how much money I could make just by being myself. When I realized that, I was super duper sold.
I grew up in a single-parent household (my father was a career military man and died in service when I was 7). My mom is from the Philippines, and we were very middle class. So, growing up, I had this interesting middle class mindset upbringing, but always had this seed of a desire to become something more.
I think I knew very early on—maybe 6 or 7–that I'd probably do something different with my life. I had no clue what that was because everything I was exposed to was the contrary. Its funny, because 15 years ago, I thought I'd be in some high rise C-suite running things and telling people what to do. Now I get to do that, just from my bed and in yoga pants.
Over time, my passion has developed, sustained, and nurtured FMC. And what I love most is we empower, but in a real tangible way.
We make sure our attendees leave with more than fluffy fluff fluff motivational talks. We want them to feel like they are ready, not just in theory, but in practice.
And that's exactly what they get.
Because I frequently have to go from one thing to the next, I invest very heavily in high-level support. Coaches, mentors, etc. I believe in the power of coaching (otherwise I wouldn't be one). I've had coaches all my life—from athletics, to academics to singing and music. This season of my life is no different.
And what Sasha does on our team to bring to life to the FMC experience, and what Vivian does to ensure we have the right partners to make it all happen—it's really phenomenal. They are geniuses.
And together we've figured out how to pay it all forward.
My most significant lessons in entrepreneurship:
- Successful entrepreneurship is really a science. There's lots of moving parts, lots of formulas, lots of trial and error. And mindset matters more than anything.
- Start before you're ready. Don't have a website? Put words on a page and a PayPal link at the bottom. Make it better over time. And build as you go!
- Consistency compounds! So, keep going, don't waste potential.
- Be scared of complacency. I'm always moving, and always expanding and always trying to figure out how to push to the next level so that I can serve as many people as possible. It's always a conversation in my head that says "Well that sounds scary, I don't want to do it." But the higher version is of myself answers back with a resounding, "If you're scared then that means you definitely need to do it!" Growth solves everything. So, that is always the goal.
Your goals are where success lies. The success is where the work is.
Remember that, ladies.
To keep up with the FMC team, you may check their website and Instagram for updates. Also, to sign up for early-bird access to their upcoming 2021 conference, click here.
Featured image by courtesy of Flourish Media Conference
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Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images