If you’ve spent any type of time at all on TikTok or Instagram this year, I’d be floored if you didn’t come across the Morgan Stanley study that says that by 2030 (yes, almost five years from now which is very close), 40 percent of women in this country will be both single and without children. The reasons? More women are delaying marriage and having a family, and/or they are prioritizing their careers over being a wife and/or a parent.
As a woman who is, yes, single and childless (and is also counting the days untilmenopause is in full swing), I gave all of this some real thought as it relates to my own life. Being that I was pregnant four times (and terminated each time) in the 90s and also being that I haven’t been pregnant since, I’ve definitely asked myself, more than once, if that was all intentional, whether I realized it back then or not. What I mean by that is, were my in-my-20s decisions about thinking that I would have children later, or could it be that I never really wanted to have kids in the first place?
Honestly, I’m still somewhat figuring all of that out, although I will say that I don’t watch baby commercials and bawl, nor do I find myself wanting to run out and make a baby as a last-ditch effort before the “shop” closes down. I’ve got two goddaughters who are their own handful (because I take the role very seriously — check out “What You Should Think About Before Agreeing To Become A Godparent”), a bevy of love nieces and nephews, and I used to mentor teen moms.
Plus, I’m a doula, so I get to hold babies quite a bit. And although I will admit that I wish I had been more…spiritually responsible when it comes to my past pregnancies and I do sometimes wish that my father had a bloodline that would continue after I am gone, for the most part, I really am at peace, even as I’m still putting some pieces together. Yes, some women can bask in their womanhood, adore kids, and also not want children and — get this — be totally okay with that.
I’m just one example. Below, are 10 other women who, for different reasons and conclusions, have also made the ultimate decision to not become a mother — and, at the end of the day, they don’t regret it at all.
*Middle names are always used in my interviews so that people can speak freely*
Women Share Why They Decided Not to Have Kids (And Don't Regret It)
Giphy1. Allison. 37. Dating.
“I don’t know why folks think that not liking kids means that we don’t have a heart or something. When I say that, I mean that I think that children need to be raised by people who adore having them around and don’t just tolerate them or enjoy them when the mood hits. I know a lot of people who weren’t raised like that. I think that kids are cute and smarter than a lot of adults if you really listen to them.
"I just don’t like them enough to have them in the day-to-day of my life, for the rest of my life. A couple of hours or a weekend of babysitting are good. More than that, no ma’am. If that makes me evil to everyone, I’ll live. It’s better than having them and then raising them like they are always getting on your nerves. I’d call out names, but I want to keep my anonymity here.”
2. Evelyn. 41. Married for Three Years.
“This is my second marriage. The reason why my first one ended is because my husband wanted kids, and I was on the fence. Really, I wasn’t on the fence; I just loved him and I said whatever I needed to, to get married. That wasn’t fair to him or to me because all I ended up doing was wasting each other’s precious time. He’s now remarried with a baby and one on the way and couldn’t be happier.
"I’m now married to a man with children in college, and I’m thrilled too. I’m just not someone who looked at my adult life and saw children in it — not in a ‘mommy’ way. I have always wanted to do other things with my life and I enjoy now having a partner who feels the same way.”
Giphy3. Alessia. 35. Engaged.
“I ended two pregnancies in my past: one was in college, and another was in my mid-20s. At the time, I thought that it just wasn’t the right time for me. But then I noticed that when I shared my abortion stories with others, and they were talking about all of the PTSD and regret that they had surrounding their own terminations, I realized that I don’t think that there will ever be a ‘right time.’
"My fiancé has a child, and I love him, and I don’t mind becoming a stepmom. But there is nothing about me that wants to get pregnant or have a child around full-time. He doesn’t want any more kids either, to the point where he has already had a vasectomy, so it’s turned out perfectly.”
4. Paxtone. 51. Married for 16 Years.
“My husband and I knew that we were meant for each other on our second date — the fact that we got married four months later and have been married for almost 17 years now proves it! One of the things that made it crystal clear to us both is that neither of us wanted to have children. Children are expensive, and we preferred to put that money towards seeing the world, saving up for retirement — and also helping our siblings with their children.
"We’ve helped to put a couple of nieces and nephews through college and put a down payment on a home for another. Don’t underestimate uncles and aunts who don’t have kids. They can bless in ways you never saw coming.”
Giphy5. Lakelynn. 43. Separated.
“When my soon-to-be ex-husband first told me that he wanted a house filled with children, I should’ve ended the relationship then. He told me that when we were dating and I thought he was so perfect that I talked myself into what I knew I didn’t want: to be a mother. I think the universe agreed with me because I was never able to get pregnant during the first four years, and then we tried IVF and still weren’t successful.
"Now he’s drained, I’m resentful, and we both feel like a lot of time was wasted. He still wants children, I don’t and I don’t want to keep ignoring what is screaming in our faces — that I shouldn’t force what my gut doesn’t desire and he shouldn’t have to make the kind of sacrifice to go without. Love isn’t always enough.”
6. Skye. 48. Dating.
“Some won’t want to hear this, but I don’t respect people who think that older kids should help them raise their younger kids. Children are not continuous babysitters, and they need to have a childhood. I know because I was the second-to-oldest child in a family of six, and there were a lot of things that I missed out on doing because I needed to stay home and watch my brothers and sisters.
"When it was time for me to go to college, I couldn’t wait to leave and never looked back. I decided after graduation that I didn’t want any children, not because I don’t like kids, but I would rather have the freedom that comes from being an auntie than a mom. I was basically a second mom while growing up. Girl, I am so over that.”
Giphy7. Carlee. 45. Divorced.
“My decision to not have kids may be different than other women. I once did, but after three miscarriages, I emotionally don’t have the strength or even the interest to keep trying. Now that it’s been seven years since my last miscarriage, I realize that I don’t want to adopt either. Sometimes you’re conditioned to focus on only one part of what makes you a woman that when you put it aside, you learn more about yourself.
"Motherhood is beautiful, and it’s not all that makes a woman a woman. I’m not sure if I had birthed any of my children if I would’ve ever realized that.”
8. Ona. 37. Married for Five Years.
“Two things that I always thought were really cute for anyone but me are kids and pets. Sure, they’re adorable and fun to play with, but when everyone goes home, you’ve got to do some real work, and it never lets up. How do I know? My girlfriends constantly tell me! I’d rather be, what I call [a] ‘relief auntie’ for a few hours than a mother 24/7. It’s just not me, my husband is the same way. Parenting enriches your life in one way. Not parenting does in another.”
Giphy9. Kiera. 44. Dating.
“I’m too selfish for children — in a good way. What I mean is, I think if you know that you don’t want to devote your life to your children, you absolutely shouldn’t have them. I know parents who are too self-absorbed to be raising kids and that’s unfair to their kids. There has always been a part of me that knew that I didn’t want to put a child first, and so I have either been on the pill and used condoms or had an IUD for years now. You have no idea how thrilled I am that I’m seeing signs of menopause coming.
"I live my life for me, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Be embarrassed if you have kids and you still think that you come first.”
10. Xane. 50. Single.
“I never want to get married, and so, I never want to have kids. I know that some women see being a mom differently, but I come from a single mom, and I think that children need both of their parents. Since a hubby has never been a desire for me, children aren’t an option either. I think it’s sad that some people think that is sad. I live a very full and enjoyable single life, and not once have I wished that a kid was a part of it.
"Hell, when I hit menopause, I threw a party like it was a birthday one! I like being a poster child — hell, billboard — for being a happy single woman. If you want to be a mom — great. If I don’t want to be a mom, also great. Right?”
____
Absolutely right, my dear. Indeed, something that’s so beautiful about being a woman is there are many ways to be one. And as far as children go, you can “birth” other things like dreams and ideas too — never forget that.
If you’re a woman who has never really wanted to have kids, please know that I penned this with you in mind. As you can see, you are not alone, and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or quiet about.
In fact, pat yourself on the back for knowing what you want — and don’t want. You’re more ahead of the game than you might think, sis. Hmph. Promise you that.
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images
- I'm A Black Mother Who Adopted White Kids, Here's Why ›
- No Baby, No Problem: Why It's OK To Not Want Children ›
- I Got My Tubes Tied At 30 Because I Always Knew I Didn't Want Children ›
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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