I’ve Always Wanted Kids, But Now I’m Not Sure It's Safe
There are many things from my childhood that I thought I wanted: a spouse, a college degree, a job. With age, I’ve realized I don't want them anymore (though my bills insist otherwise!). One of the few things that have persisted and even grown over the years is my desire to have kids.
In recent years, I’ve committed myself to the idea of having as many as six kids, with the hopes of adopting the majority of them. But two – if the Lord had allowed me – I would physically birth myself. I’ve dreamt of a house full of bustling noise that only a mother can be endeared by, in between spurts of annoyance. I’ve dreamt of recitals and soccer practices and a chorus of laughter and cuddles. I’ve longed for the days when tiny hands would grasp for me while trying to form the word “mom” in its fledgling mouth.
So it broke my heart recently when I realized that that dream might never come to fruition. With the recent news that the Supreme Court of the United States intends to overturn Roe v. Wade, it brought attention to all the other reproductive injustices that continue to rage on in this country. From the recent baby formula shortage to the ongoing maternity death rates that disproportionately impact Black women, to gun violence and climate change and state-sanctioned violence and and and…
I’m not alone. When I asked on Twitter how many people who were once interested in having kids considered no longer pursuing parenthood because of systemic factors, I was overwhelmed with the immediate and strong responses that poured into my DMs. Many people echoed my sentiments about fearing the death rates for pregnant Black women, the pandemic, and other societal issues. One respondent, a 29-year-old woman, said that she was apathetic about the idea of having kids. “The older I get and look at the blazing dumpster fire that is our planet,” she says, “the idea of bringing children into it is more and more repelling.”
Another respondent, a 41-year-old woman, says that while she already has kids, she doesn’t want anymore because “this world is WILD…I have two already and the way these last two years and a half years have drug me through the mud and made me struggle is incalculable,” she says. “From homeschooling to having to live in various states of constant quarantine because my youngest is unable to be vaccinated because he's a whole baby and then the rise of openly racist and terrified white fantasists,” are all reasons she’s uninterested in bringing any more children into the world.
Despite not wanting to have their own children, others expressed their desires to still be a part of a community or a village that’s committed to raising the children in their lives. “I’m a full spectrum doula, so being able to bring life into this world is still a possibility for me just from a different lens,” says 27-year-old Rach Junard, who said they are on the fence about having their own kids. “I’ll do everything I can to make sure everyone in my community is taken care of. Having kids just may look a little different for me.”
Whether I’ll have kids is still a decision I haven’t completely landed on. And it’s a decision I broach delicately, especially since these conversations can veer quickly into eugenics or ecofascist logic about population control and who “deserves” to have kids and who shouldn’t. So, I want to be precise: there’s zero shame in anyone who decides to bring a child into this world. Starting a family can be a treasured joy for many people to experience. But because of the compounding systems of oppression that continue to rage on, that joy is often sullied into something ugly and traumatic for many marginalized people– including me.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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