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It Took Me 18 Years To Finally Grieve My Miscarriage
One of the hardest things I had to do was reveal to my oldest son that I had a miscarriage at the age of 14 before I had him at 17.
We were having another one of our talks, and I felt it was time I opened up fully about my experiences as a teenager to help him be more mindful about taking that leap so soon.
In the midst of our conversation and me revealing the secret of my miscarriage, I found myself fighting back tears as my son searched my face for answers. All that could come out of his mouth was, "Dang Momma, you've been through a lot."
As I reflected, he was right. At that moment, the car ride couldn't seem longer as we rode in silence the rest of the way. I couldn't wait until we got home, so I could close myself off in my room and finally cry.
While I cried tears that were long overdue, I started to talk myself out of crying about it because it had been 18 years since it happened. I had other miscarriages (one that almost cost me my life) and even abortions, but I was numb to feeling anything about any of them. But for some reason, the 14-year-old girl in me still mourned and the wound it left still hurt me, even after all of these years. The day after the talk with my son, I realized why. I never allowed myself to grieve my first miscarriage, and I was still trying to prevent myself from doing so.
The day my parents found out I was pregnant is still a moment in my past that sends chills through my body.
Within a week of us discovering this newfound revelation, I began bleeding. My parents took me to the hospital, and the staff told me that they couldn't tell if I was just threatening a miscarriage or actually having one, so they sent me home bedridden. About an hour after I was home, I went to the restroom and felt a clump come out of me and there it was—my fetus floating in the toilet. It looked like a big blood clot. I remember standing over the toilet paralyzed. I couldn't stop staring at it, but instead of crying about it, I felt like it was the end of the distance between me and my dad even though he wasn't ecstatic that I had to endure a miscarriage.
At 14 years old, I thought I had no right to cry about the child I lost, and that mentality caused me to be insensitive and unsympathetic to miscarriages as a whole. I had no feelings towards my other miscarriages or when I heard about other women having miscarriages, and that was hard for me to admit. In fact, black women have a higher risk of miscarriage than white women. Failed pregnancies usually occur due to environmental or product exposure, previous health vulnerabilities like anemia, or genetic mechanisms that happen during the fetal development stage. And since the hospital told me miscarriages were normal, it didn't register in my brain that there was human inside of me.
Now, here I am, 18 years later, finally trying to allow myself to grieve and accept that I actually lost a human being, even though the reason behind it is uncertain.
In order to deal with the unknown, I just cling to the affirmation that it was what God thought was best for me. This idea makes the grieving process even harder because I'm a person who likes definite answers, but I must now accept the fact I may never know. So, how can I grieve?
In all honesty, I've been involved in a three-step grieving process for 18 years, and realize now that I have been stuck in the first two steps.
1. Shock/Denial
I've been in shock ever since I had to flush my fetus down the toilet and tried to only see it as a regular blood clot.
2. Guilt
I felt guilty because I drunk white distilled vinegar right before I took the pregnancy test because I heard it would make you have a miscarriage (a truth I hate to reveal), and I hoped the vinegar would work a miracle and change those two lines to one. I wanted the baby gone, but I was naïve about the term and process of a miscarriage. Even now, I still feel guilty when I admit that one detail, and I'm working on trying to let it go.
Related: What Not to Say to A Woman Who Has Just Had A Miscarriage
3. Acceptance
The last stage I'm striving to get to is Acceptance. It's time I accept that it happened, stop blaming myself, God isn't to blame either, and remind myself it's OK to cry about it and feel the hurt. Accepting the hurt has been difficult for me, but I know it's the only way I can truly heal from it. My goal is to not rush myself through the process or be too hard on myself about getting over it. We live in a world now where we like to just act like it's easy to get over things and move on, and it's definitely not that simple.
If you are dealing with a miscarriage or have dealt with a miscarriage and are wondering if it's okay to grieve, my answer is yes. Even if it takes you 18 years to do it.
Also, do not be afraid to talk about it with others who have been through it or who can give empathy just by being an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry.
Featured image by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
- What Not to Say to A Woman Who Has Just Had A Miscarriage ... ›
- Comforting Someone Who Has Had A Miscarriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Stages of Grief That Commonly Follow a Miscarriage ›
- Unpregnant: The silent, secret grief of miscarriage - The Globe and ... ›
- Miscarriage: The loneliest grief of all | The Independent ›
- Emotional Aftermath of Miscarriage ›
- Grief issues special to miscarriage – Miscarriage Support NZ ›
- Miscarriage Grief Is Real — Seleni Institute ›
- Miscarriage And The 12-Week Rule: Carrying Grief Alone – ›
- The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage - The New York Times ›
- After a Miscarriage: Surviving Emotionally ›
- 13 Things To Know About Grief After Miscarriage or Loss ›
Besides being a devoted mother of two boys, PacePoetry is a known performance poet, author, Reading and Writing professor, open mic host, and brand influencer from Houston, TX, who prides herself in being open and completely transparent with her audience through her writing, performances, and speaking because she believes that someone needs to hear her story to help them learn and walk in their purpose as well. Follow her on social @pacepoetry.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."