Quantcast
It Took Me 18 Years To Finally Grieve My Miscarriage
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

It Took Me 18 Years To Finally Grieve My Miscarriage

Motherhood

One of the hardest things I had to do was reveal to my oldest son that I had a miscarriage at the age of 14 before I had him at 17.


We were having another one of our talks, and I felt it was time I opened up fully about my experiences as a teenager to help him be more mindful about taking that leap so soon.

In the midst of our conversation and me revealing the secret of my miscarriage, I found myself fighting back tears as my son searched my face for answers. All that could come out of his mouth was, "Dang Momma, you've been through a lot."

i.gifer.com

As I reflected, he was right. At that moment, the car ride couldn't seem longer as we rode in silence the rest of the way. I couldn't wait until we got home, so I could close myself off in my room and finally cry.

While I cried tears that were long overdue, I started to talk myself out of crying about it because it had been 18 years since it happened. I had other miscarriages (one that almost cost me my life) and even abortions, but I was numb to feeling anything about any of them. But for some reason, the 14-year-old girl in me still mourned and the wound it left still hurt me, even after all of these years. The day after the talk with my son, I realized why. I never allowed myself to grieve my first miscarriage, and I was still trying to prevent myself from doing so.

The day my parents found out I was pregnant is still a moment in my past that sends chills through my body.

Within a week of us discovering this newfound revelation, I began bleeding. My parents took me to the hospital, and the staff told me that they couldn't tell if I was just threatening a miscarriage or actually having one, so they sent me home bedridden. About an hour after I was home, I went to the restroom and felt a clump come out of me and there it was—my fetus floating in the toilet. It looked like a big blood clot. I remember standing over the toilet paralyzed. I couldn't stop staring at it, but instead of crying about it, I felt like it was the end of the distance between me and my dad even though he wasn't ecstatic that I had to endure a miscarriage.

i.gifer.com

At 14 years old, I thought I had no right to cry about the child I lost, and that mentality caused me to be insensitive and unsympathetic to miscarriages as a whole. I had no feelings towards my other miscarriages or when I heard about other women having miscarriages, and that was hard for me to admit. In fact, black women have a higher risk of miscarriage than white women. Failed pregnancies usually occur due to environmental or product exposure, previous health vulnerabilities like anemia, or genetic mechanisms that happen during the fetal development stage. And since the hospital told me miscarriages were normal, it didn't register in my brain that there was human inside of me.

Now, here I am, 18 years later, finally trying to allow myself to grieve and accept that I actually lost a human being, even though the reason behind it is uncertain.

In order to deal with the unknown, I just cling to the affirmation that it was what God thought was best for me. This idea makes the grieving process even harder because I'm a person who likes definite answers, but I must now accept the fact I may never know. So, how can I grieve?

In all honesty, I've been involved in a three-step grieving process for 18 years, and realize now that I have been stuck in the first two steps.

1. Shock/Denial

I've been in shock ever since I had to flush my fetus down the toilet and tried to only see it as a regular blood clot.

2. Guilt

I felt guilty because I drunk white distilled vinegar right before I took the pregnancy test because I heard it would make you have a miscarriage (a truth I hate to reveal), and I hoped the vinegar would work a miracle and change those two lines to one. I wanted the baby gone, but I was naïve about the term and process of a miscarriage. Even now, I still feel guilty when I admit that one detail, and I'm working on trying to let it go.

Related: What Not to Say to A Woman Who Has Just Had A Miscarriage

3. Acceptance

The last stage I'm striving to get to is Acceptance. It's time I accept that it happened, stop blaming myself, God isn't to blame either, and remind myself it's OK to cry about it and feel the hurt. Accepting the hurt has been difficult for me, but I know it's the only way I can truly heal from it. My goal is to not rush myself through the process or be too hard on myself about getting over it. We live in a world now where we like to just act like it's easy to get over things and move on, and it's definitely not that simple.

If you are dealing with a miscarriage or have dealt with a miscarriage and are wondering if it's okay to grieve, my answer is yes. Even if it takes you 18 years to do it.

Also, do not be afraid to talk about it with others who have been through it or who can give empathy just by being an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry.

Featured image by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash

Halle Bailey Talks 'The Little Mermaid' Backlash & Having A Forever Best Friend In Sister Chloe

Halle Bailey won our hearts alongside her sister Chloe when their cover of Beyoncé’s “Pretty Hurts” went viral when they were just teenagers, and from there they have become Grammy-nominated artists as the group Chloe x Halle thanks to albums like Ungodly Hour and The Kids Are Alright. Now, their fans have more to look forward to as Halle will be starring as the Disney princess Ariel in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
The Power Couples In The Zodiac & Your Money Match Based On Astrology

When it comes to power couples in the zodiac, there are instant matches that make for love and financial compatibility. Some zodiac signs work better together than others, and considering financial challenges tends to make or break relationships--finding your money match is important. Not only that but there are certain signs in the zodiac that can enhance your financial world, just by being in it. Planetary energy in certain areas of your birth chart can provide higher success rates and opportunities, and compatibility energy varies by degree.

Keep reading...Show less
The Do's & Don'ts Of Having Sex On The Beach

I’ve never actually tasted a 'Sex on the Beach,' but I certainly have imagined doing it. In fact, I’ve had a lot of sex fantasies, but this remains to be one at the top of my list. However, I continue to harbor some fear because it seems that beach sex is no easy feat.

Keep reading...Show less
The Evolution Of Serena Williams

It is like witnessing magic when you watch an athlete do what they do best. To see a mere human soar in the air over to the other side of a bar or to witness someone run at a speed quicker than a human thought. A basketball player defying gravity just to get a ball into a hoop. A ballerina turning their body into a top, spinning and spinning without fatigue.

Keep reading...Show less
Lori Harvey On Dating With A Purpose & Not Compromising Her Peace For Anyone

Lori Harvey’s dating life has consistently been a hot topic on social media and now the model is shedding light on some of her dating do’s and don’ts. In an episode of Bumble’s new “Luv2SeeIt” content series, the SKN by LH founder sat down with the series' director, producer, and host Teyana Taylor and disclosed some quote-worthy thoughts on dating and relationships.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Former Beyoncé Dancer Deja Riley On Changing Her Career For Her Mental Health

Former Beyoncé Dancer Deja Riley On Changing Her Career For Her Mental Health

"I felt like I was not enough. And my mental health is important. So when I started feeling that way, I knew that it was time to shift."

Latest Posts