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You Just Started Dating Him. So, Why Is The Break-Up So Devastating?
Listen, I'll be the first to stand up and say that when it comes to getting over an ex, I might just hold one of the longest "titles" ever. I mean, getting fully over my first took a couple of decades (no joke. Check out "Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour" and "Why Running Into Your Ex Can Be The Best Thing Ever"). But if there's something that I've noticed, is becoming a pandemic of the heart these days, it's women who struggle with getting over someone they've only been seeing for a short amount of time. Since I know that "short" is relative, let me just say that I'm referring to folks who've only been on a few dates with someone or it's only been a couple of months since they've been hanging out with them on a more intentional level. More and more, women are contacting me about how a potential relationship has ended and they are 1000 percent torn up about it. That concerns me because hearts are precious and no man, who you've only known for a hot-skip-and-jump amount of time, should earn your pain and grief. He really shouldn't.
If you know all of this in theory, but you still find yourself being damn near close to devastated whenever something new comes to a close, here are some questions that just might help you get down to the root of why that very well might be the case.
Can You Honestly Say That You Healed from Your Previous Relationship?
Lord. If there's one word that I've seen, perhaps more than any other this year, it's "normalize". That said, when I think about the top 10 things I would like to see normalized, "denial transference" would most certainly top the list. What is that? It's my way of describing what happens when someone, who doesn't do well at being alone, goes from one relationship to another, thinking that the new situation will fill their voids and/or heal them. Instead, what typically happens, is they take their pain, drama, and baggage from the old person into their new dynamic. And because they didn't properly heal from the first relationship, they end up being way too intense, way too pressuring—way too everything which ends up costing them their new relationship too (because healthy people like to be with other healthy people).
And since healing wasn't a priority before the new thing that they got into, sometimes that person ends up grieving it way more than they logically should. It's not because the new relationship was so impacting that they can't let it go—it's because they now have to deal with the pain of the former relationship, compounded with the rejection of the new one. It's not a case of the new relationship being "such a big deal"; it's more like they've never realized that they have a tendency to partake in "denial transference"—they deny that they are transferring the unresolved emotions of one relationship into another, all because they move too damn fast.
So yeah, if you've only been seeing someone for a few weeks or months, it's over (or heading towards being that way), and you feel like it's about as heart-wrenching as the break-up you had with an ex of a couple of years, ask yourself if you're someone who tends to be a denial transference person or a rebounder. Everyone needs time and space to process the end of one relationship before hopping into another. Otherwise, it's hard to tell if you are properly seeing each situation clearly without merging them together. And emotional mergers can oftentimes turn into big ass accidents with a good amount of wreckage as a direct result.
Did You Have Sex Way Too Soon?
This is perhaps the greatest pun that wasn't intended, but when it comes to deciding when it's too soon to have sex, it literally is different strokes for different folks. Based on your religious upbringing, your personal preference, your take on the purpose of sex, etc.—all of these things play a direct role in why some people engage sooner than others. What I will say is everyone, regardless of their value system and perspective on sexuality, needs to factor in that oxytocin is a natural hormone that is literally one hell of a drug. That's why, more times than not, I'm like, "Yeah…OK" when someone who had sex with an individual, within a month of meeting them, is talking about how "in love" they are.
While it can happen (John Legend and Chrissy Teigen say that is a part of their journey), that is a HUGE GAMBLE. The reason why I say that is oftentimes, what people fail to factor in, is the fact that oxytocin is triggered during kissing, cuddling and orgasms and oxytocin is designed to bond you to the person you have sex with. So "duh" and "of course", you're gonna feel like you're into them after doing-the-do.
A wise person once said that insanity is doing the same thing while expecting a different result. If you're quick to engage in casual sex, without processing that you are setting yourself up to give your heart with your parts, try dating without that level of intimacy for a while. The right guy won't mind, plus it could reveal to you if sex too soon is why you have a hard time getting over (or past) men you really don't know all that well.
Have You Ever Taken a Love Addiction Quiz Before?
A couple of years ago, I wrote "6 Signs You're A Love Addict" for the site. If you're skimming through this article and you'd like a quick definition of what a love addict is, it's basically someone who is so desirous for a relationship that they will overlook red flags, numb themselves to emotional pain and neglect, and/or create chick flicks and fantasies in their mind—all in the effort to feel "loved" by someone else.
Mind you, this isn't as simple as falling for someone and getting your heart broken a couple of times. No, a love addict has a pattern of choosing people who they put on pedestals while they typically receive very little affirming, reciprocity, or even respect in return—and they keep repeating this pattern over and over…and over again, usually until they seek therapy for their addiction.
If you really let what I just said sink in, it probably makes perfect sense how a love addict would be absolutely devastated after only seeing someone for a short period of time. It's because they probably said to themselves, after the first or second date mind you, that he was "the one". Then they started treating him as such, only to realize the pressure of moving too fast too soon sabotaged the connection or worse, caused them to realize that they were in their love story all by themselves, all along.
While it's perfectly normal to be disappointed when something that shows real potential doesn't work out, it's not exactly healthy to be so distraught that you feel like you're going through a divorce or something. If what I just said makes absolutely no sense to you, because that is typically how you feel, whether a relationship is new or not, do yourself a favor and check out LoveAddict.org's 40 questions to ask yourself to see if you are truly a love addict or not. If more than half check out, a therapist, counselor or relationship coach may be what you need in order to find balance, where matters of the heart are concerned. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But it is something to take seriously and get help for. Love addiction can be just as traumatizing as any other addiction. Please don't take it lightly.
Have You Never Learned the Art of Non-Exclusive Dating?
Interestingly enough, it was actually around this time last year when I wrote, "Single-Minded: So, What If You Like Dating But DON'T Desire Marriage?". Since less people are getting married (and having less sex; we'll have to deal with the sex part in another article), it's important to also put on record that, just because people may not want "for better or for worse" for the rest of their lives, with the same person, that doesn't mean they don't desire companionship; it also doesn't mean that they aren't deserving of it.
Accepting this reality—especially if you grew up in the Church or have a family that's always pressuring you to start a family—can be difficult. So difficult that you might have programmed yourself into thinking that if you're not exclusively seeing someone, almost right off the bat, it's a colossal waste of time. Personally, I think that is a super false hot take.
While, on one hand, if you are the type of person who "dates to marry" (meaning, the only purpose that you see in dating is to find the person to jump the broom with), I get why you might not want to get into non-exclusive situations. Yet, on the flip side of that, something that can teach you a lot about who you are and what you really want in a relationship, still while having a good time and meeting new people along the way, is non-exclusive dating. No one is saying you've got to sleep with every guy you go out with (please don't). But since you're single…why not live like you are? Interact with a few folks. Enjoy different kinds of experiences with different types of people. Learn how not to "act married" with folks who aren't anywhere close to being your husband.
Learning the art of just dating is something that can help you to learn how to engage others without putting your entire mind, heart and soul into the mix. It's something that can show you how to not take everything so seriously, to live in the moment and simply have a good time. You're single. You should.
Did He End It for the Same Reasons Other Guys Have?
Yeah. If there's one question that only someone with a huge sense of humility (which is a superpower, by the way) is quick to answer, it's this one. In fact, something that I tell my clients, when we have our first session is, anyone who is quick to say what they need to work on as a person as opposed to running down the list of their partner's flaws—that is someone who is self-aware and has a far greater chance at their relationship healing and succeeding than the one who thinks things would automatically get better, so long as their partner improved and not them (SMDH).
When it comes to our exes, whether we like it or not, we've got to accept that the one thing they all have in common is…well, us. And so sometimes, when a relationship ends, what makes it especially painful is we oftentimes hear the guy say something similar that we've already heard from some other dude (or dudes) before. And when that's the case, the "trauma" isn't so much about "losing" the person as it is realizing that if we don't get a handle on our issues or flaws, we will just keep making the same choices and/or selecting the same kind of person and/or wasting our time.
That's why, it can only benefit you to ask yourself, "Am I hurt because this relationship is over or because I'm sick and tired of hearing about myself, just in different forms of human beings?" If the answer is Column B, the good news is you can take some time to do some real soul-searching and, if need be, habit-breaking. That way, when you are ready to date again, you can be confident that you'll be doing it…differently.
Do You Always Tend to Leap Before You Look?
To thine own self be true. The reason why I write articles like, "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist", "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", "14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners", "Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe." and "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom" is because, it's really important to know who you are, what you need, and the kind of relationship that you are looking for, before getting involved, on any level, with another individual. If you don't, it can be really easy to become a relational chameleon—you know, someone who is more concerned with being what someone else wants/desires, to the point where you put yourself on the backburner and, quite possibly, end up losing yourself once the relationship ends. Why? Because you were more concerned with being with somebody than being your authentic self and letting the chips fall where they may.
What I mean by that is, if you make being in a relationship more important than getting the kind of relationship that you truly want, the first guy who wants to be with you, you'll accommodate him more than yourself. As a result, should he leave, you'll feel lost because it was more about having someone than being with the right person. Make sense?
The reason why we look down before jumping into a pool is so we can make sure that the water will "catch" us. Being discerning while you are in the beginning stages of a relationship—which includes asking the questions you really want the answers to, taking your time, not revealing everything about you until he's earned that information—is just as wise.
There's nothing wrong with meeting a guy and hoping that it will work out. But if it's only been a short amount of time, it doesn't and that damn near destroys you—I doubt it has much to do with him. Look within to see why those kinds of situationships are able to rattle you so much and so hard. I promise you that the more you focus on you in those moments, the more you'll realize that it was about you—NOT HIM—all along. And the truly wonderful thing about that is you can always fix/heal/change/love on yourself. Amen? Amen.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Actor Jessie T. Usher reveals his secrets for maintaining his physical appearance while filming Amazon Prime's The Boys.
The series, which spans four seasons, follows vigilantes as they battle corrupt superheroes. In The Boys, Usher portrays Reggie Franklin, also known as A-Train, a superhero with incredible speed.
During a recent Men's Health magazine interview, the 32-year-old spoke about his diet and workout regimens. These routines help Usher stay in shape for the show's stunt work, which involves intense cardio to match his character's super-speed abilities.
In the discussion, he revealed his workout regimen consists of resistance training and cardio. On rest days, the Shaft star incorporates yoga and stretching into his routine.Jessie On What He Eats In a Day
Regarding his diet, Usher shared he typically eats three meals daily with minimal variations. He begins each day by hydrating and waiting an hour or two before breakfast. On production days for The Boys, Usher opts for eggs with herbs and seasonings, accompanied by fruit.
The Dangerous Lies actor keeps it light for lunch with protein-rich options like quinoa bowls or salads with lentils, chicken, and vegetables from CAVA. Dinner is his heartiest meal, featuring chicken and fish (particularly sea bass or salmon), after which he refrains from eating for the rest of the night.
Usher focuses on protein intake for all his meals rather than counting macro calories to support muscle growth. He boosts his protein with peanut butter shakes. While maintaining a disciplined diet, The Almost Christmas star allows himself occasional indulgences like Funyuns or Nutter Butters. To round out his health regimen, Usher takes daily vitamins.
Jessie On His Diet And Workout Routine For "The Boys"
When asked about adjusting his diet or workout routine for his role in The Boys, Usher explained that his health-conscious lifestyle eliminates the need for significant changes.
“Honestly, no. Because by the time I got to The Boys I was already health conscious. Very much aware of what I was putting in my body and how,” he said.
Regarding his workouts, Usher revealed he tailors his routines to include more diverse cardio exercises. This approach ensures he's physically prepared for the scenes he shoots for the show.
“A day of working out for The Boys is a little bit different. I feel like I added more variations of cardio work,” he stated. “When [you’re shooting] you just have no idea what they’re about to throw at you. I just want to be ready for all of those challenges, especially the cardio things. I just wanted to have the endurance to be able to get through whatever type of scene that I would possibly be shooting.”
Season four of The Boys is now streaming on Amazon Prime.
Everything ‘The Boys’ Star Jessie T Usher Eats In a Day | Eat Like | Men's Health
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Feature image by Phillip Faraone/Getty Images for Paramount Pictures